DISCLAIMER: Red Dwarf and related stuff belong to Grant & Naylor Productions, none of it belongs to me.
Lister was lying on his bed, bored. He was reading a comic he had read about a thousand times, because he had also read his other comics a thousand times, and this one seemed like a good choice to waste a few hours with. It had been a boring fews days, and everyone dealt with the boredom differently. Cat was busy designing and making some new suits, and Kryten was
catching up with the laundry. Rimmer was in the shared quarters with Lister, arranging his record collection with the help of a skutter.
"Careful, careful, don't drop it." Rimmer eyed the skutter with anxiety. These were priceless, absolutely unique.
Lister's mind wandered as he stared at the page. Alphabetical record collections. Typical Rimmer thing really. Everything nicely ordered away, spotless and clean, like Rimmer imagined he was himself. A thought occurred to him suddenly. "Hey Rimmer, can I ask you something? It's serious."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Lister, but there's no such thing as Santa Claus." Rimmer replied, not taking his eye of the priceless Hammond Organ album the skutter was moving around.
Lister sighed. Same thing every time. No wonder they couldn't get along. "I'm serious. This is a serious question." He paused and when Rimmer didn't reply, he continued. "Why are you arranging your record collection in alphabetical order? You're not telling me it wasn't like already, are ya?"
"It was alphabetically ordered by artist, yes, but not by title. I want it ordered by title. Put that one in between those two." He pointed at an empty spot, and the skutter missed by about an inch, messing up the order completely. "Worthless metal gimboids." Rimmer muttered. "Was that your serious question, Lister, or would you like to discuss some philosophy with me over tea and biscuits?"
Lister turned on his side, to look at him. "I have got another question, actually. And it is a rather serious one. Why is it that you never take your astronavigation exam anymore? Or study for 'em? You used to be obsessed with the smegging thing, and now you never mention 'em anymore. Why is that?"
Rimmer looked up from the skutter for a moment, in thought. There was no way he would tell Lister the truth. He'd just have to think of a reasonable sounding reason to satisfy his bored bunkmate. "Well, I'm a hologram, remember? Can't touch a smegging thing, let alone the books I need to study, or the pen and paper to make my exam."
"Holly's made audiobooks of all the books on Red Dwarf, she told me a while ago. She did it in the three million years I was in stasis, to pass the time. She must've done the astronavigation books as well, you can study with those. Just not in here. And she can probably make some pen and paper for you, or you can do an oral, just tell her the answers to the questions, no paper involved." Lister was proud at his quick thinking here. He wasn't lying about the audiobooks either, there were plenty around. "C'mon man, tell me the truth."
Okay, he's called your bluff here. Think of another reason why. "Alright then, let's assume I can work with the audiobooks and that I can take the exam. When am I going to study? We're running a giantic mining ship with a crew of four and we constantly get into all sorts of problems. I wouldn't have the time."
He was just making excuses again, Lister knew it. "Holly runs the ship, Rimmer, and there's plenty of completely problem-free time aboard this vessel, I should know, I've wasted enough of it."
Rimmer told the skutter to take a break, and turned to face Lister. So far, no good. He had to get a bit closer to the truth now and he hated it. "Let's face it. Even if I study and even if some miracle happens and I pass, there's no point in being an admiral. I'm already the highest rank aboard this ship, and it's gotten me smeg-all. You don't obey me, Cat obeys no one and Kryten obeys you over me because you're alive. No rank is going to change that, so why bother?"
Rimmer did have a point there, Lister had to admit it. "We don't obey you 'cause you don't have any good plans. And Cat, well, you know what cats are like. Call their name and they walk off. Pet them and you get a claw in your face. It's that you were always so obsessed with becoming an officer, I'm just really surprised it disappeared like that."
Rimmer was silent for a while. "It wasn't really my obsession to begin with. It was always my father's." He paused and looked at Lister. He already knew what his father was like, he didn't look surprised. "He had wanted to become an officer. He had wanted to climb that ziggurat. But he couldn't, so he wanted us to do it instead. So I tried. Had to make him proud. Him and mother, naturally." He sighed, and sat down on his bed. "Only reason I kept trying, really. But now they're dead. The whole Rimmer family is dead. I can't make them proud of me anymore, so there's no point."
Lister remained silent. Rimmer really had some serious issues, and it wasn't the first time Lister regretted there not being an psychiatrist on board. "You know something Rimmer?" He leaned over to look at the hologram below. "You could always try to make yourself proud of you."
Lister was lying on his bed, bored. He was reading a comic he had read about a thousand times, because he had also read his other comics a thousand times, and this one seemed like a good choice to waste a few hours with. It had been a boring fews days, and everyone dealt with the boredom differently. Cat was busy designing and making some new suits, and Kryten was
catching up with the laundry. Rimmer was in the shared quarters with Lister, arranging his record collection with the help of a skutter.
"Careful, careful, don't drop it." Rimmer eyed the skutter with anxiety. These were priceless, absolutely unique.
Lister's mind wandered as he stared at the page. Alphabetical record collections. Typical Rimmer thing really. Everything nicely ordered away, spotless and clean, like Rimmer imagined he was himself. A thought occurred to him suddenly. "Hey Rimmer, can I ask you something? It's serious."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Lister, but there's no such thing as Santa Claus." Rimmer replied, not taking his eye of the priceless Hammond Organ album the skutter was moving around.
Lister sighed. Same thing every time. No wonder they couldn't get along. "I'm serious. This is a serious question." He paused and when Rimmer didn't reply, he continued. "Why are you arranging your record collection in alphabetical order? You're not telling me it wasn't like already, are ya?"
"It was alphabetically ordered by artist, yes, but not by title. I want it ordered by title. Put that one in between those two." He pointed at an empty spot, and the skutter missed by about an inch, messing up the order completely. "Worthless metal gimboids." Rimmer muttered. "Was that your serious question, Lister, or would you like to discuss some philosophy with me over tea and biscuits?"
Lister turned on his side, to look at him. "I have got another question, actually. And it is a rather serious one. Why is it that you never take your astronavigation exam anymore? Or study for 'em? You used to be obsessed with the smegging thing, and now you never mention 'em anymore. Why is that?"
Rimmer looked up from the skutter for a moment, in thought. There was no way he would tell Lister the truth. He'd just have to think of a reasonable sounding reason to satisfy his bored bunkmate. "Well, I'm a hologram, remember? Can't touch a smegging thing, let alone the books I need to study, or the pen and paper to make my exam."
"Holly's made audiobooks of all the books on Red Dwarf, she told me a while ago. She did it in the three million years I was in stasis, to pass the time. She must've done the astronavigation books as well, you can study with those. Just not in here. And she can probably make some pen and paper for you, or you can do an oral, just tell her the answers to the questions, no paper involved." Lister was proud at his quick thinking here. He wasn't lying about the audiobooks either, there were plenty around. "C'mon man, tell me the truth."
Okay, he's called your bluff here. Think of another reason why. "Alright then, let's assume I can work with the audiobooks and that I can take the exam. When am I going to study? We're running a giantic mining ship with a crew of four and we constantly get into all sorts of problems. I wouldn't have the time."
He was just making excuses again, Lister knew it. "Holly runs the ship, Rimmer, and there's plenty of completely problem-free time aboard this vessel, I should know, I've wasted enough of it."
Rimmer told the skutter to take a break, and turned to face Lister. So far, no good. He had to get a bit closer to the truth now and he hated it. "Let's face it. Even if I study and even if some miracle happens and I pass, there's no point in being an admiral. I'm already the highest rank aboard this ship, and it's gotten me smeg-all. You don't obey me, Cat obeys no one and Kryten obeys you over me because you're alive. No rank is going to change that, so why bother?"
Rimmer did have a point there, Lister had to admit it. "We don't obey you 'cause you don't have any good plans. And Cat, well, you know what cats are like. Call their name and they walk off. Pet them and you get a claw in your face. It's that you were always so obsessed with becoming an officer, I'm just really surprised it disappeared like that."
Rimmer was silent for a while. "It wasn't really my obsession to begin with. It was always my father's." He paused and looked at Lister. He already knew what his father was like, he didn't look surprised. "He had wanted to become an officer. He had wanted to climb that ziggurat. But he couldn't, so he wanted us to do it instead. So I tried. Had to make him proud. Him and mother, naturally." He sighed, and sat down on his bed. "Only reason I kept trying, really. But now they're dead. The whole Rimmer family is dead. I can't make them proud of me anymore, so there's no point."
Lister remained silent. Rimmer really had some serious issues, and it wasn't the first time Lister regretted there not being an psychiatrist on board. "You know something Rimmer?" He leaned over to look at the hologram below. "You could always try to make yourself proud of you."