Author: selphiealmasy8
Pairing: Snape/Lily
Synopsis: The events following Snape's worst memory seen from Lily's point of view.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters. They belong to J.K. Rowling,
as if everyone didn't already know.
Smile
Lily ran into the girl's washroom, rushing past Moaning Myrtle, who seemed quite perturbed about being so rudely ignored. The girl ran into an empty stall as she heard the ghost start in on some rant decrying her mistreatment. Lily Evans had come to the girl's toilets to be alone and she did not feel up to soothing Myrtle's wounded feelings. She had her own wounds to attend to.
Leaning against the cubicle wall, Lily closed her eyes and started to cry, letting the tears she had tried to contain now run freely.
He had called her a Mudblood. She had tried to help him and the ungrateful boy had repayed her by calling her a Mudblood. She had only wanted to help Severus Snape, Lily thought to herself. She had witnessed the cruelty of James Potter and Sirius Black towards the boy and she could not just stand by and let them do it. James Potter was an idiot; A total Narcissus who was so full of himself that it made her constantly choose not to attend Quidditch matches because he was there. He'd always wink at her when he passed by and she found herself having to restrain herself from using a hex on him and making him fall off of his broomstick. That he had had the gall to try to make Snape apologize, that he even for one moment considered himself to be better than Severus Snape, was a joke.
If was all Potter and Black's fault Lily told herself. If they hadn't started the whole thing Snape would never have insulted her. He usually ignored her anyway, although, when he did notice her he did seem to dislike her. Blaming Potter did help her in some small way, but it couldn't completely erase the pain she felt remembering Snape's words. She had been called names before but Lily finally admitted to herself that it hurt even more this time because of the feelings she had for the boy.
She didn't know why she liked him.
He wasn't as handsome as some of the other boys at Hogwarts; boys who looked at her with none of the loathing that Snape seemed to reserve for her. She could have her pick of any teenage male in the whole school but the only one that interested her was clear in his distaste of her.
It had all started sometime in the first year Lily realized with a sigh. After she had first received the invitation to come to the wizardry school and been told that she was a witch. A whole new world had been opened for her then. Things she had feared were only make-believe and fantasy were suddenly proven to be real. Magic was no longer only a word but a power coursing through her veins. A gift and a blessing being granted to her for reasons she could not truly understand but was tremendously grateful for. She had made many friends in those beginning days at Hogwarts but she had realized that still some kids remained distant from her. She was aware of her difference though she initially didn't truly comprehend why.
In time it was revealed to her.
Her parents were Muggles and in the eyes of those children born of parents who were witches or wizards she was nothing more than a mutt. Mudblood was the term they called her kind, and though she tried to ignore it, the taunt still hurt not because it was an insult to herself but rather because it was an insult to the parents whom she loved so much.
There were many of her schoolmates who didn't care if she came from a Muggle family. James Potter was one of these. He was handsome and popular and Lily became immediately aware of the attraction he felt for her when he tried to kiss her after flying lessons. She had fought him off, pushing him away and running off. She did not like the boy. His arrogance upset her and his treatment of other Hogwarts students disturbed her.
One of these students had been a boy named Severus Snape. Snape was a skinny boy with a sallow sour complexion and greasy black hair. He had a hooked nose and often Lily heard her friends or other girls her age make fun of the boy's appearance. When they wished to rate the boys in order of attractiveness Sirius Black and James Potter were always used as the highest and most complimented. Even though they were still young, the girls could predict they would both be gorgeous while Snape was at the utmost bottom. None of the other girls, Lily knew, expected Snape to improve with age. When her friends wished to tease or disgust each other she often heard them say, "I heard Snivellus has a crush on you." This always won cries of horror and dread from everyone except her.
There had been something about Severus Snape that had won her attention even then. Maybe, Lily knew, she had sensed that the boy's own difference had in a way matched her own. Maybe it was simply because he stuck out so sorely as if everyone believed he didn't belong there. Snape didn't fit in and Lilly felt that even the boy knew this.
Sometimes she found herself staring at Snape. He was not aware of this. Though often he wore an expression as blank as a plain sheet of parchment, there were times when there was a sad lost look which would cross his face. This was so at odds with the cold, reserved manner that he usually adopted that Lily had found herself staring at the boy more and more.
She never once had seen him smile. The summer had come and Lily went home. She was so happy to be home and with her family again that she did not think of Snape at all during this time. It was only when school started again and she saw him in the Great Hall that Lily remembered the boy.
They had shared several classes and Lily once again started her ritual of casting unseen glances at the sullen and distant boy. He followed the same pattern as before: usually apathetic. Sometimes, on a rare occasion, like when an exam was near, he appeared excited or anxious. And still sometimes Lily caught a look of pure loneliness or sadness on Snape's face.
As she stole looks at the boy, Lily often found a feeling that she was being watched as well creep over her. She would raise her head and find James Potter staring at her, always ready to offer her what he probably considered to be his best smile. She always returned it with a smirk.
One day Lily was awarded for her constant vigil of Severus Snape with the odd and strangely touching sight of a smile on his moody face. He had just received a paper back from the teacher in the Defence Against the Dark Arts class. Lily had caught a glimpse of some word of praise scribbled on the paper and had watched Snape's face as he read the teachers comment. So many things she had long before considered to be only fantasy had since she entered Hogwarts proven to be real. As she had looked at the smile on Snape's suddenly handsome face, she once again felt the wonder she had felt when she had seen a picture of a unicorn while she had sat on the family couch, long before she had known that she was a witch. It was something new and wonderful like seeing the wings of an angel.
That smile haunted her for days afterwards. She could not get it out of her head.
When she returned to her home that summer she had found her thoughts returning more and more to the awkward Slytherin boy. At first it unnerved her. Gradually, she comforted herself by believing that what she felt for Snape was the same feeling she felt for a stray dog on the street; kicked and scared by the treatment it had received and couldn't understand why. Petunia had always laughed at creatures like that while Lily's heart had ached. She had wanted nothing more than to hold the poor animal in her arms and whisper to it words of consolation.
The Summer over, it was time to head to Hogwarts once more. Things were changing. James Potter made it plain to Lily that he fancied her but than he had always been honest about how he felt. Her friends were all jealous and could not understand why she continually rejected one of the most popular and handsome boys in the school: the best Quidditch player Hogwarts had ever seen. She just shrugged her shoulders. Potter was a jerk she answered and she found it hard to believe that he could find enough love in his heart for anybody except himself. Having been rejected so often, James intensified the wrath he felt for Snape and Lily wondered somewhat guiltily if she was in some way responsible for this. Meanwhile, her secret watch of Snape had resumed but with a certain hesitation that she had not felt before. She battled with her emotions and felt disappointed that she had yet to see him smile again. Once, while she had stared at him, Snape had turned and through the curtains of his greasy black hair she had seen his eyes meet hers. Her heart had jumped within her chest and she had quickly looked away.
Years passed at Hogwarts and it seemed that everything yet nothing changed. Students were falling in and out of love. Hearts were breaking at lightening speed and being mended with equal haste, whether by the heartbreaker themselves or a third party.
Lily stayed out of such entanglements. It seemed both foolish and hopelessly beautiful to her and she tried to keep her mind entirely from the question of love altogether.
Her least favorite subject quickly became Divination. She grew tired of James repeatedly and loudly asking the stars, cards, tea leaves or whatever else method was being taught if she would eventually give him her heart. Staring at each different item used for predicting the future, Lily would shiver and meditate on whom would be brave or stupid enough to want to know the future. It would be a terrible thing to know the death that awaited you or if whomever you loved would never return your feelings.
Feeling new tears course down her face, Lily tried to fight them off but failed miserably. Her heart racing, she heard the bathroom door open. Someone else had come in. Wiping the tears from her face, Lily took a deep breath. When what must have been at least three minutes had passed and she hadn't heard any other sound, Lily began to doubt that anyone else had entered the room at all or that maybe Myrtle was only playing some sort of game. Still, she felt better than she had and she could not stay in the girl's bathroom all day.
As she left the cubicle, she saw the person who was waiting silently by the sink. The fact that it was a boy was secondary to the fact that it was Severus Snape.
Staring into his eyes, Lily could tell that he had, like her, been crying. She felt the hate and anger she had felt towards him melt away and become suddenly replaced by that damned feeling of wanting to comfort him.
"I'm sorry," Snape whispered, his voice thick and like silk, echoing throughout the room.
Knowing he wasn't apologizing for being in the girl's bathroom, Lily felt a warmness course throughout her body.
"It's all right," she answered.
A flush stole across Snape's face, coloring his usually pale complexion. "Thank you," he mumbled and then fled from the room.
Lily stood there for many seconds, motionless.
"Well look at you! Your cheeks are all red!"
Lily turned to find Myrtle looking at her, a wicked glint in her eyes. Lily looked quickly at the ground.
"I wonder what the other girls will say when I tell them that you and Snivellus were in here together," Myrtle teased.
Lily looked at the ghost her cheeks turning darker. She left the washroom and did not look back.
Whether Myrtle had told anyone about her encounter with Severus Snape in the girl's washroom or not Lily never found out. No one said anything to her about it so she believed that the ghost had kept quiet for whatever reasons she alone knew.
Or maybe simply no one had believed her.
The animosity between James and Snape worsened. Whatever had happened after she had left, plus all that had happened before, had only strengthened the hate the two boys kept for one another.
Snape seemed to ignore her as he always had and Lily felt a certain emptiness crawl into her soul. It refused to disappear until the day before Summer holidays began, when in the Great Hall, hoping to steal one last look at the boy she tried so desperately to hate but couldn't, she turned to find Snape staring at her. There eyes held onto the gaze for what felt like an eternity to Lily Evans but which ended too soon when Dumbledore finished his speech and Snape looked suddenly away.
As the other students filed out of the Hall, anxious to return to their homes, Lily realized that she and Snape were the last two students in the entire room. Snape seemed to be waiting behind as if he was in no hurry to leave; as if home was a word that meant little to him. The tension Lily felt was so thick that she would have wagered she could cut it with her wand.
She knew she had one more thing to do at Hogwarts before she left.
Walking up to the boy, her footsteps echoing in the Great Hall as Snape's voice had done in the washroom, Lily felt herself growing very shy. When she was at Snape's side she softly placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I called you Snivellus," she whispered before she turned and walked out of the hall, unaware that had she turned it would have been the second time she would have seen Severus Snape smile.