Chapter III
by Meg Kenobi
afirmation@aol.com
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I'd be writing Year 6, not fan fiction. Obviously I do not own Harry Potter or any of its respective trademarks. No infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.
Author's Note: I'm baaack. All right, in this chapter, I was considering having Snape bring his girlfriend, Mary Sue. But here's my quandary: have we writers gotten so frustrated with Mary Sue that our parodies are getting as lame as Mary Sue herself? I shall debate this as I write chapter IV. Otherwise, enjoy the madness and feel free to leave any suggestions for further havoc in your review. Thanks to all who've read and reviewed!!! ((Again, sorry for the short chapter, but AP English is a living hell and leaves me no time for fan fiction.)) ---
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom III: Enter the Circus
"Welcome, Greasy Git," Snape read out loud. Charming. The banners were Black's doing, no doubt. He wished the school term had begun. Then he could deduct points from Gryffindor out of spite. Severus stood in the anteroom of Grimmauld Place, feeling angry and absolutely absurd. He had needed to travel through muggle means in order not to be followed or magically traced. Needless to say he was in muggle garb, a subject he had never quite understood. He got the impression from the laughing muggles he'd seen on his way over that the olive skirt and magenta dress shirt really didn't match. Color coordination wasn't Severus' strong point; there was something to be said for wearing all black. There again, he wondered if maybe muggle men simply didn't wear skirts. He decided to duck into the bathroom and change.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Sirius was busy with a roll of muggle duct tape. He had physically forced Kreacher into a roasting pan and was trying to affix the lid with the tape.
"Why are you struggling?!" he hissed. "This'll be over in a minute. This hurts me more than it hurts you--well, no, okay, it'll definitely hurt you more, but I have to cook something special for Snape."
The lid in place, Sirius made for the stove with the howling pan.
"Stop it, Sirius," Lupin said softly but affirmatively. Sirius gave a sexy little pout, but Lupin's eyes bore into him, unrelenting. With a sigh of resignation, Black turned and shoved the pan on the counter.
"I'm bored," Sirius whined pitifully.
"Well, we can't have that," Lupin sighed, remembering all the things Black had felt compelled to do out of boredom. Setting Kreacher on fire, drinking an entire bottle of hot sauce, piercing his own nipples. . . Lupin shuddered at his friend's stupidity. There was of course the time Black had removed Snape's underpants in front of the school--that had done wonders for the rumors going around that the two were gay. Lupin mentally noted that you couldn't forget the time James and Sirius had made a seven foot tall replica of the Taj Mahal out of mashed potatoes in the Gryffindor common room or the time they had enchanted the school kitchen's house elves into performing the Nutcracker ballet. As memories of past acts of madness came roaring back to Remus, he seized Sirius by the elbow and hauled him away from the kitchen of stoves and sharp, pointy things. The two entered the adjacent room just in time to see Snape entering from the other direction.
"Finally coming out of the closet, are we Snivellus?"
"I see your perceptions are as sharp as ever, Black. That's not a closet and you're still improperly using collective pronouns."
"What's a pronoun?" Black hissed to Lupin, who was forcefully trying to push Black up the stairs and away from Snape.
"You're not so high and mighty without James to watch your back, are you Black?" Black turned on his heel.
"You didn't." He stalked towards Snape, whipping his wand out of a pocket. "There's only one way to settle this, Snivellus."
"A duel."
"No. Staring contest." For a moment, Severus deluded himself into thinking Black had finally mastered the art of sarcasm. Bloody hell, it wasn't sarcasm. Black was serious, standing there staring incessantly at Snape. And for the more childish parts of him, Severus found himself staring back. Lupin collapsed on the stairs. He knew this could take a while.
Three hours later, Lupin had fallen asleep on the staircase. Staring contests were odious enough among muggles and underaged wizards. However, when "mature" wizards started hexing their own eyes open . . . Sometimes these events could go on for weeks. Moony stirred awake and glanced at the clock and then to the two competing wizards. Just when Lupine had resigned to being fated to spend his summer refereeing a staring match, a strange thing happened.
The door adjoining the kitchen to the common room was slowly inching open and a roasting pan shuffling in. Snape was being strangely oblivious about the whole event of the duct taped pan lurching forward a few centimeters at a time. When the pan landed directly between Black and Snape, however, both broke their concentration and looked down.
"What sort of spell--?" Snape began aimlessly.
"It's not a spell. Sirius stuck the house elf in there."
"The perhaps we should release it."
"No," Black cut in. "Let's follow him." The three men were somewhat beyond their better senses and set off after the moving pan. At an agonizingly slow pace, they followed the trapped house elf out of the common room, down the hall, into a closet and through what appeared to be a dog flap in the back of the closet. After wriggling through the small opening, Lupin and Black--Snape had grown bored--found themselves in what seemed to be another of Kreacher's store holds. In fact, no sooner had they entered then the pan holding Kreacher began to throw itself at the floor repeatedly until the tape tore loose and the disoriented elf spilled on to the floor below.
Kreacher took no notice of the two strangers in his odd little fortress. Rather, he picked up a knife from the table and began to chant what was apparently a voodoo curse intermixed with the lyrics of the "Macerena." Kreacher then began to launch himself at what had once been a portrait of Sirius, but now the canvas was ripped and shredded nearly beyond recognition. This didn't seem to deter Kreacher in the least, but rather the house elf tore and stabbed the painting with unprecedented fury. A startled Sirius backed up slowly and began to crawl back into the closet, Lupin pushing him in a panic. The two ran from the room and collapsed into chairs in the common room.
"That was the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen," Black laughed.
"You've never seen Tonks naked twice in the same week."
"I've seen you naked."
"Yeah, but you liked it." Black shrugged guiltily.
"What's that noise?" Black asked, looking to the ceiling and changing the topic. *********
Hermione couldn't find her copy of Hogwarts: A History in days. She had wanted to memorize the entire text this summer, but now it had taken missing. Hermione wandered through the upstairs rooms, wondering if Kreacher might have placed the book somewhere strange. As Hermione let herself into the room the twins were sharing, she noticed that the hatch to the attic had been pulled open and a ladder propped inside. Hermione supposed Kreacher might have carried the book up there, and so she climbed the ladder into the attic.
What Hermione saw really didn't surprise her. A complex but none to sturdy looking system of pulleys had been rigged from the ceiling. Many ropes hung off the system and some of these lead to Fred and George, decked out in harnesses and hardhats. The other ropes lead to Ginny, who appeared to be spotting the whole activity.
"What in Merlin's name are you doing?" Hermione moaned. The twins and Ginny looked at her in surprise.
"We discovered a closed off dumbwaiter passage in the wall of the dining room where they've been having the Order of the Phoenix meetings."
"So you're going to what? Repel on down?"
"They might have guarded that room against every conceivable spying spell, but they never expected some good ol' fashion spelunking," Fred beamed with pride, apparently missing Hermione's sarcasm.
"You don't know the first thing about caving or that equipment," Hermione sighed.
"Nope," affirmed George, tugging at the clip on his harness, apparently trying to test its strength. "But that's never stopped us before. Ready, Fred? Let's test this thing."
"I'm not watching this," Hermione sighed. "Ginny, if they start to fall--drop 'em. Don't risk your safety for this stupidity." With that, she turned, climbed back down the ladder, and headed to her room.
Hermione opened her door to the most disturbing sight of her life.
********
Moony and Black heard a blood curdling scream coming from the floor above them Black looked quizzically at his friend.
"Don't look at me. It wasn't my fault this time, mate," Lupin muttered.
At that moment, Hermione tore down the steps, cheeks flushed.
"I . . . just saw . . . the most . . . horrible thing!" she sobbed.
"Was it Kreacher's fault?" Black asked, rising at the chance to punish the house elf.
"No, not . . . him. Professor Snape. He was . . . he was . . . he was TAP DANCING!" Hermione bawled from the emotional trauma of it all.
Disclaimer: If I were J.K. Rowling, I'd be writing Year 6, not fan fiction. Obviously I do not own Harry Potter or any of its respective trademarks. No infringement is intended and no profit is made from this work.
Author's Note: I'm baaack. All right, in this chapter, I was considering having Snape bring his girlfriend, Mary Sue. But here's my quandary: have we writers gotten so frustrated with Mary Sue that our parodies are getting as lame as Mary Sue herself? I shall debate this as I write chapter IV. Otherwise, enjoy the madness and feel free to leave any suggestions for further havoc in your review. Thanks to all who've read and reviewed!!! ((Again, sorry for the short chapter, but AP English is a living hell and leaves me no time for fan fiction.)) ---
The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom III: Enter the Circus
"Welcome, Greasy Git," Snape read out loud. Charming. The banners were Black's doing, no doubt. He wished the school term had begun. Then he could deduct points from Gryffindor out of spite. Severus stood in the anteroom of Grimmauld Place, feeling angry and absolutely absurd. He had needed to travel through muggle means in order not to be followed or magically traced. Needless to say he was in muggle garb, a subject he had never quite understood. He got the impression from the laughing muggles he'd seen on his way over that the olive skirt and magenta dress shirt really didn't match. Color coordination wasn't Severus' strong point; there was something to be said for wearing all black. There again, he wondered if maybe muggle men simply didn't wear skirts. He decided to duck into the bathroom and change.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Sirius was busy with a roll of muggle duct tape. He had physically forced Kreacher into a roasting pan and was trying to affix the lid with the tape.
"Why are you struggling?!" he hissed. "This'll be over in a minute. This hurts me more than it hurts you--well, no, okay, it'll definitely hurt you more, but I have to cook something special for Snape."
The lid in place, Sirius made for the stove with the howling pan.
"Stop it, Sirius," Lupin said softly but affirmatively. Sirius gave a sexy little pout, but Lupin's eyes bore into him, unrelenting. With a sigh of resignation, Black turned and shoved the pan on the counter.
"I'm bored," Sirius whined pitifully.
"Well, we can't have that," Lupin sighed, remembering all the things Black had felt compelled to do out of boredom. Setting Kreacher on fire, drinking an entire bottle of hot sauce, piercing his own nipples. . . Lupin shuddered at his friend's stupidity. There was of course the time Black had removed Snape's underpants in front of the school--that had done wonders for the rumors going around that the two were gay. Lupin mentally noted that you couldn't forget the time James and Sirius had made a seven foot tall replica of the Taj Mahal out of mashed potatoes in the Gryffindor common room or the time they had enchanted the school kitchen's house elves into performing the Nutcracker ballet. As memories of past acts of madness came roaring back to Remus, he seized Sirius by the elbow and hauled him away from the kitchen of stoves and sharp, pointy things. The two entered the adjacent room just in time to see Snape entering from the other direction.
"Finally coming out of the closet, are we Snivellus?"
"I see your perceptions are as sharp as ever, Black. That's not a closet and you're still improperly using collective pronouns."
"What's a pronoun?" Black hissed to Lupin, who was forcefully trying to push Black up the stairs and away from Snape.
"You're not so high and mighty without James to watch your back, are you Black?" Black turned on his heel.
"You didn't." He stalked towards Snape, whipping his wand out of a pocket. "There's only one way to settle this, Snivellus."
"A duel."
"No. Staring contest." For a moment, Severus deluded himself into thinking Black had finally mastered the art of sarcasm. Bloody hell, it wasn't sarcasm. Black was serious, standing there staring incessantly at Snape. And for the more childish parts of him, Severus found himself staring back. Lupin collapsed on the stairs. He knew this could take a while.
Three hours later, Lupin had fallen asleep on the staircase. Staring contests were odious enough among muggles and underaged wizards. However, when "mature" wizards started hexing their own eyes open . . . Sometimes these events could go on for weeks. Moony stirred awake and glanced at the clock and then to the two competing wizards. Just when Lupine had resigned to being fated to spend his summer refereeing a staring match, a strange thing happened.
The door adjoining the kitchen to the common room was slowly inching open and a roasting pan shuffling in. Snape was being strangely oblivious about the whole event of the duct taped pan lurching forward a few centimeters at a time. When the pan landed directly between Black and Snape, however, both broke their concentration and looked down.
"What sort of spell--?" Snape began aimlessly.
"It's not a spell. Sirius stuck the house elf in there."
"The perhaps we should release it."
"No," Black cut in. "Let's follow him." The three men were somewhat beyond their better senses and set off after the moving pan. At an agonizingly slow pace, they followed the trapped house elf out of the common room, down the hall, into a closet and through what appeared to be a dog flap in the back of the closet. After wriggling through the small opening, Lupin and Black--Snape had grown bored--found themselves in what seemed to be another of Kreacher's store holds. In fact, no sooner had they entered then the pan holding Kreacher began to throw itself at the floor repeatedly until the tape tore loose and the disoriented elf spilled on to the floor below.
Kreacher took no notice of the two strangers in his odd little fortress. Rather, he picked up a knife from the table and began to chant what was apparently a voodoo curse intermixed with the lyrics of the "Macerena." Kreacher then began to launch himself at what had once been a portrait of Sirius, but now the canvas was ripped and shredded nearly beyond recognition. This didn't seem to deter Kreacher in the least, but rather the house elf tore and stabbed the painting with unprecedented fury. A startled Sirius backed up slowly and began to crawl back into the closet, Lupin pushing him in a panic. The two ran from the room and collapsed into chairs in the common room.
"That was the single most disturbing thing I've ever seen," Black laughed.
"You've never seen Tonks naked twice in the same week."
"I've seen you naked."
"Yeah, but you liked it." Black shrugged guiltily.
"What's that noise?" Black asked, looking to the ceiling and changing the topic. *********
Hermione couldn't find her copy of Hogwarts: A History in days. She had wanted to memorize the entire text this summer, but now it had taken missing. Hermione wandered through the upstairs rooms, wondering if Kreacher might have placed the book somewhere strange. As Hermione let herself into the room the twins were sharing, she noticed that the hatch to the attic had been pulled open and a ladder propped inside. Hermione supposed Kreacher might have carried the book up there, and so she climbed the ladder into the attic.
What Hermione saw really didn't surprise her. A complex but none to sturdy looking system of pulleys had been rigged from the ceiling. Many ropes hung off the system and some of these lead to Fred and George, decked out in harnesses and hardhats. The other ropes lead to Ginny, who appeared to be spotting the whole activity.
"What in Merlin's name are you doing?" Hermione moaned. The twins and Ginny looked at her in surprise.
"We discovered a closed off dumbwaiter passage in the wall of the dining room where they've been having the Order of the Phoenix meetings."
"So you're going to what? Repel on down?"
"They might have guarded that room against every conceivable spying spell, but they never expected some good ol' fashion spelunking," Fred beamed with pride, apparently missing Hermione's sarcasm.
"You don't know the first thing about caving or that equipment," Hermione sighed.
"Nope," affirmed George, tugging at the clip on his harness, apparently trying to test its strength. "But that's never stopped us before. Ready, Fred? Let's test this thing."
"I'm not watching this," Hermione sighed. "Ginny, if they start to fall--drop 'em. Don't risk your safety for this stupidity." With that, she turned, climbed back down the ladder, and headed to her room.
Hermione opened her door to the most disturbing sight of her life.
********
Moony and Black heard a blood curdling scream coming from the floor above them Black looked quizzically at his friend.
"Don't look at me. It wasn't my fault this time, mate," Lupin muttered.
At that moment, Hermione tore down the steps, cheeks flushed.
"I . . . just saw . . . the most . . . horrible thing!" she sobbed.
"Was it Kreacher's fault?" Black asked, rising at the chance to punish the house elf.
"No, not . . . him. Professor Snape. He was . . . he was . . . he was TAP DANCING!" Hermione bawled from the emotional trauma of it all.