Chapter 6
I ran into the backyard, running, screaming for Mommy and Dad.
"Mom! Dad! Come quick!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, running as fast as I could over to the pool. The water had been disturbed, and I couldn't see Brian at all. Dear God, where was he?!
Mommy and Daddy finally came running out of the house.
"June . . . what's going on?" Daddy asked so calmly, I thought that this was all a dream.
"Brian! He. . . " I pointed to the pool, and there he was, lying face up, his eyes staring at the sky, his arms spread wide. I screamed and ran to the side of the pool and grabbed his thick wrist and pulled him over to me.
"Brian, wake up," I whispered, dragging him onto the pool deck. Dad and Mom ran to my side. I tried to lay him vertically, but there was something on his ankle. A rope. My heart jumped into my throat and I felt sick to my stomach.
There was a rope swing attached to a branch on the old great oak tree that stood in the backyard. Daddy took it off of Brian's ankle and started to perform CPR, and Mommy stroked his precious head of hair. I pulled out my phone, which I had conveniently and called an ambulance. They were here 5 minutes. Brian coughed and we all expected that he would become conscious, but his breathing stopped again, and the paramedics took over in the ambulance. Mommy and Daddy rode along, and I followed in my car.
Once they had arrived, they rushed him into the ER and we had to wait in the hallway, waiting for the doctor's words. I kept replaying the whole scene over and over in my head, seeing his blue face in the water, the rope tied around his ankle. All that I could think of was that this was all of my fault. If I could have watched him, played with him, it could have been prevented. It all could have been stopped!
As if Mom could read my thoughts, she rubbed my shoulder. "It wasn't your fault June. It's all of my fault. I let him play around the pool unsupervised with his toys and his boats, and that damned rope swing. . . "
"Don't go putting the blame on yourselves," Daddy snapped. "We all thought that he was smart enough not to play on the swing, or near the pool at all. Last I saw, he was in the field, playing with his toys." I shook my head and buried my face in my hands and trembled. Mommy rubbed my shoulders, and Daddy paced outside of Brian's room.
It seemed like almost an hour before the door opened and the doctor looked up. We all looked up in unison, hoping that he was not the bearer of bad news. His footsteps thundered in my ears; all of the commotion around us stopped. He stopped in front us, sighed, and placed his hands behind his back.
"Yes?" Dad asked impatiently.
"We did all that we could. I'm sorry. He had weak lungs," The doctor said. Daddy's knees folded and he was on the ground, sobbing hysterically.
When Brian was born, he was a few weeks premature and he was on life support for the first three months. The doctors recommended that he shouldn't swim much and not hurt himself too much.
I couldn't contain my tears either. It seemed now all of my days were full of crying and tears. All the pain I had felt were the tears that had spilled from my eyes. I ran over to Dad; Father or not, and hugged him so tightly and cried with him.
Brian was gone. He was never to return. The little brother that I had cherished, enjoyed being around, was gone. And he wasn't even my biological brother! I sobbed also because of that; Mommy and Dad didn't have any children now at all.
Finally, what seemed like hours of crying and holding and hugging, we left the hospital and ventured home.
I ran up to my room immediately; I wanted to write in my journal and write to April. I picked up the notebook first, and wrote April a very lengthy letter.
April-
I feel absolutely horrible. I was about to write you, and then something awful happened. It occurred so quickly, I'm still in shock.
Brian was outside playing in the backyard, and I was up in my room, and I heard him scream, so I ran down to the backyard, and there he was, in the pool, drowned!
Tears formed in my eyes, and I tried not to ruin the page, so I looked away as tears dripped down my cheeks.
We took him to the hospital and they tried to save him, but his lungs were too weak, and he had drowned. We have a rope swing in the backyard, and he played on it, and his ankle got caught and he couldn't get out.
We just arrived home from the hospital. I don't know what my parents are doing right now, but I know that I'm still crying. He wasn't even my real brother, but I loved him so much April. I don't know what to do!
It seems my life is going down the drain. Finding out about my adoption, my dark ways for a day, and now Brian. April, I don't know what to do! I need to get away, far away from here and forget my troubles, if it were only that easy.
I signed the letter and threw the notebook down angrily and sobbed into my pillow for a few minutes, then recorded the horrible day down in my journal.
Afterwards, I changed into my pajamas and stayed in bed all day, glimpsing at our family portrait that sat on my dresser. It seemed to be the most valuable thing at the time. Not my car, my jewelry, or my education mattered as much as my family did.
I grabbed the frame and held in close to me, stroking Brian's gold hair, smiling back at him. I remembered the day that the portrait was taken.
We had arrived slightly late, and the photographer was mad. We had to pick up Brian from school, and his teacher had held him back a few minutes after the bell. We were all wearing blue college sweaters with a white polo shirt underneath. I had my hair cut that day and it fell on my shoulders neatly. We all pasted smiles on our faces, and he took a few good frames. Brian kept making funny faces at the photographer, and that's why my smile looked so wide.
Tears flooded over my eyes just thinking about it. I never would have a happy moment, ever again, without Brian. We were a family, torn apart, and inside, it felt like it had been like this for years. I had no biological mother or father, and the parents that I had . . . of course I loved them to death, but thinking about what they had kept at me still boiled inside of me. How they kept that secret so long, it was beyond me.
I needed to get away, I thought, sitting up and reaching for the letter. I stuffed it into an envelope and licked it shut, then ran downstairs to mail it. I wanted her advice as soon as possible, and I wanted to know what she thought.
My life was now dependent on other people. I wasn't stable enough to handle it myself, and so I burden other people with it. I wanted to confide in someone, and tell them all of my fears and how I felt, and all of that, but nobody would even look at me. Andrew sure wasn't going to after what had happened, and I couldn't count on Cassie and Lilly, therefore I had no one to go to. I could go to my parents, I thought for a moment, then shook my head. They would just tell me that I'm being too dramatic, and things weren't as bad as they seemed.
My father had once told me, "If you didn't find happiness in your own backyard, you haven't found happiness ever." I had happiness. I was living the life that some of my schoolmates dreamed about, and it was slowly slipping down the drain. Now, my backyard was ruined; Brian was dead, I gave myself away to a boy I really didn't even care that much, and I had made friends with two scoundrels.
My heart literally ached. I wanted to heal all the damaged my heart had suffered, but I realized the wounds were too deep to ever be refilled; even if I got older and forgot about my horrid past, there would still be the scars.
Funeral arrangements were made for Brian immediately when Daddy returned home. They were set for next week, and Mom's job was to call relatives and friends and tell them the news. I could hear their screams all the way from upstairs. Screams of terror, anger, disappointment, and every time I heard that, I cringed inside. I had known all along that it was my fault for Brian's tragic death, and no matter how hard I tried to forget that, it would still linger in my mind.
A few days after, family and friends started to arrived before the actual funeral. Mother made me stand by the front door and greet whoever entered, which was painful to see the pain in their own eyes. My Aunt Elizabeth and my Uncle George came along to stay with us, along with the children Mary, who was 10, and Lee, who was 20. They stayed in the guest room next to mine, and Mary was always coming inside of my room looking for someone to play with.
"Not now Mary, I'm not feeling well," I told her, and Lee walked into the room. Lee was 6 feet tall and had platinum blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes.
"Go on Mary, you heard her," he barked, and she scampered out of the room to go find Aunt Elizabeth.
"Thank you," I whispered to him and he smiled warmly.
"I live with her, I know what its like," he muttered, sitting on the edge of my bed. I was sitting at my desk, fiddling with old letters that April was writing to me. I was expecting her letter any day now. "Are you OK, June?"
I shrugged. "I guess. Things haven't really been on the upside for me lately."
"I know, Brian's death is pretty devastating." I scoffed. If only he knew what else was wrong, I thought. At that moment, I was debating whether or not to tell him that I was truly adopted. I wondered about it for a moment, and then Mom knocked on my door.
"You have a letter from April," she announced and handed it to me. I squealed with delight and ripped it open.
"Who's April?" Lee asked, peering over my shoulder.
"She's my si-My best friend," I lied. "She moved away from here and she writes to me often," I added. I thought that it was better that Lee and the whole family didn't know about my adoption. Some things were better kept secret. I unfolded the letter open, and started to read. Lee had left and shut the door behind him. I couldn't stop the tears of happiness that gushed out of my eyes.
June-
That's so horrible. I really am sorry. I wish I could have gotten to know your brother; he sounded really fun and cool. Strange the way he passed though. . .
I know things are going down in a ditch in your life, but I want to warn you to not do something stupid to try and fix things. It could only make things worse, and then what would you do? Yes, I'm talking about suicide, and I really don't want you to that point, because I know people that have considered it, and have ruined their lives. And besides, its a very selfish thing to do, and you're not a very selfish person.
But, alas, I have some good news to tell you. Jeff and I just bought a 5 bedroom house in town, and it's really neat. Me and Jeff plan on using all of those rooms, if you get what I mean. But honestly, if you really are stuck and you don't know what to do, come and live with me. I really could use another girl in the house, and it might be fun. Maybe one day, all four of us could live together.
I'm sure you are wondering how we got the money to buy a 5 bedroom house. Jeff revoked his college money; he had it all paid off too, and so we had some money to spend. Of course, his parents flipped, but I know a few people, and Jeff is going to go to the community college where things are way cheaper there.
It would be so fun for you to come and live with me. You could start a fresh page, and soon, all 4 of us will be together, and everything will be happy; no sadness. AT ALL! I want you to consider my offer, and please, let me know about it. I really want to help you out, and if this is the way I can do it, then so be it!
With all of my love,
April
I suppressed a sob. She wanted me to come and live with her? I would leave in a heartbeat! I had so wanted to meet her in person, and living with her would be fantastic! I ran out of my room, tears flying behind me and flew downstairs, looking for my parents; Daddy preferably.
"Daddy!" I yelled, running into his office. He was sitting down at his desk, looking over some papers, as usual. He looked up, and I shuddered.
Now Brian's death was very apparent. He had bags under his eyes, it seemed that he had aged completely. I felt horrible to bring this upon him, but I had to break it to him.
"What is it June?" He asked, propping himself up on his elbow. I saw Lee walk by, and I saw the question on his face, and I shut the two French doors that enclosed Daddy in his office.
"I have something to ask you and to tell you," I started, and sat down in one of his leather chairs.
"Yes?"
"First, I was curious if I should tell Brian about. . . " I was trying to find the right word to explain it, but Dady interjected.
"The adoption."
I nodded. "I haven't told him, yet, unless you don't want me to. I thought it would better for the family if I didn't, especially now at this time," I said softly, biting on my lip. He sighed heavily.
"I think that maybe it is time to let the skeletons out of my closet. Some do know about it, but I have sworn them to secrecy, and they haven't spoken a word. My sister and her husband do not know about it, and maybe it is time to tell them," he concluded. I nodded, deciding that it was a wise choice. "What was the other thing?" That's when my heart started to race.
"Daddy, I just got a letter from my sister." I held it up for him to see. He nodded. "She just bought a five bedroom house, and she has invited me to live with her until I leave for Massachusetts." There was a pregnant pause in the air, and I thought my heart was thumping as fast as it could. Finally Daddy stood up.
"If you would like to go, then you may go. I can't hold onto you forever; I should have realized that the day we came home with you. I really just want the best for you June, and I love you so much." Tears bubbled in my eyes.
"What about Mother?" I whispered. He walked over and touched my shoulder.
"We need to talk to her. Actually, we need to have a talk with everyone in the house. I'll bring everyone downstairs in the den," he announced. He almost sounded excited about it. We hadn't had a family meeting in ages. I nodded and went into my room for a brief moment, brushed my hair, and picked up a notebook to write April. I jotted a quick letter to her, and then went downstairs to the den.
Everyone was seated on the couch, even Lee! Mary was not there, because she was too young to understand.
"What's this all about?" Lee asked, folding his arms across my chest. Mom looked confused, and Dad stood in the corner and nodded at me.
"I have something to tell you, Aunt Liz, Uncle George, Lee." I took a long breath. "I am, adopted." I couldn't find a better way to put it, so I just blurted it out. Liz looked confused, Uncle George blinked, and Lee looked absolutely shocked.
"Annie. . . ?" Aunt Elizabeth looked at my Mom, who just nodded. Aunt Elizabeth shook her head.
"I'm sorry," I sputtered. That was all that I could manage to say.
"What? Why?" Lee asked. "How long have you know?"
"For a while now," I muttered. He just shook his head.
"But I think I have better news for you all," I said excitedly. "My real sister April-" Lee's head perked up. "Has invited me to live with her and her . . . husband." I'm sure my parents would be shocked to hear that she was married, but if I told them that she lived with her boyfriend, they wouldn't let me go. I looked over at Mom, who paled. I was waiting for her reaction all along.
"You are going to let her live with her sister? Alone?" Aunt Elizabeth cried.
"With my 3 other sisters," I said, and her eyes widened.
"Oh goodness. Annie?" My Aunt repeated. She stood up and walked over to me.
"If you need to go, you may go. But always know that this is your home," she said so faintly, I almost couldn't hear her. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her so tightly.
"Thank you, thank you," I whispered in her ear, and she patted my shoulders.
"Well, I think we're done here," Dad said, walking into the middle of the room. I nodded and ran up to my room to send the letter and wait for her next letter. Lee came into my room and sat down.
"I don't understand. Are you really adopted?"
"Of course! I wouldn't lie about that," I snapped and turned my back away from him. He walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
"Well, I guess it could be a good thing and a bad thing. You're not part of our family, biologically, but," he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear, his lips brushing against my cheek. "I always thought that you were cute." I ripped away from him and pointed to the door.
"Get out. Get out or I'll call my father up here and tell him what you said," I whispered ferociously. He grinned sarcastically and left the room.
I was a part of this family, I thought, blood related or not.
The funeral day arrived quickly, and everyone in the whole town practically gathered in the big Catholic church downtown. Everyone arrived; even Andrew, Lilly and Cassandra were there. I looked over at them, but didn't bother talking to them. I wanted nothing more to do with them, especially Andrew. I sat in the front with my family and waited for the priest to start.
Many people that had arrived at the event went up to the pew and said something very nice about Brian. It brought a new set of tears to my eyes to hear these people sharing their great events with my little brother. Some of his friends started wailing during the middle of the service, and nobody was angry, because, I thought, if they were a child, they would have done the same thing.
After everyone said their words, we all walked up to the coffin my brother was in, and placed a rose on it. I knew that he wouldn't like the roses, but he didn't understand the whole point of it. When it was my turn to lay down my rose, I leaned over to the top, and whispered, "The planes are really big there." I kissed the top of the coffin and walked away. I could feel Andrew's eyes glued to me, but I willed myself not to look at him.
The minister closed the service quickly with the Lord's prayer, and we were dismissed. I wanted to get out of the church, because I didn't want to talk to the guests, and I certainly didn't want to talk to Andrew. But Mom forced me to say at least hello to some of the guests, and Andrew had caught me completely off-guard.
"Can we talk?" He asked softly. He had on a gray button up shirt, and black pants. He looked more handsome than ever, but I would never let him know that.
"Sure," I said shakily, and pulled him into the shadows of the sanctuary were nobody was to be seen.
"I've been thinking about you a lot," Andrew announced, and I leaned against the wall and fiddled with my hair. "I know you've been thinking of me."
"They weren't the best of my thoughts," I muttered, and that gave him a slight smile.
"I want you to know that I am really sorry about what happened between us. I really didn't want it to happen that way, but the way you passed yourself off. . ." Tears clouded my eyes, and I looked away.
"I know. I didn't want it to happen that way. It was my first time," I admitted. He nodded.
"I want to start this over again . . . us. I really have changed. After what happened, I really want to be with you." I shivered, then sniffled. I did love him! I really did! I wanted nothing more to love him and be with him, but something was telling me not to. I shook my head and cried on his shoulder.
"Oh Andrew, why does it have to be like this?" I moaned. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. It was the best kiss that I had ever received in my entire being with Andrew. We leaned up against the wall and he put his arms around me and really kissed me.
I wanted to be with him, this is man that I wanted! My brain screamed at me and told me this over and over, but my heart said to wait on it. I ran my fingers through his dark hair and he started to kiss my neck over and over again, and it all felt so wonderful.
"Andrew," I whispered, and he looked up. "I'm moving in with my sister." He looked confused, and I quickly told him that I was adopted. Somehow, he had already found out.
"Is it far?" He asked. I shook my head.
"Not at all. Andrew, I really love you," I whispered in his ear and clung onto him so tightly, I thought he would tell me to stop. But he held me just as long.
"I really don't want to do this, but something is telling me that I should. I really need to think about this Andrew. I need to call you later." I kissed him and walk away from him quickly so that I could leave.
When we had arrived home, there was a letter in the mail for me, from April of course. I tore it open and read it. She said that she was just fine with my decision and that she would give more details later. I changed into my pajamas and started to rummage through my things. I kept what I wanted to keep, and what I didn't want, I put it in a box and put it in storage.
Almost at nine o clock, my phone rang. I hadn't talked to anyone in a while, so I thought it might have been Andrew.
"Hello?" I asked. Just by the pause I could tell it was definitely not Andrew.
"June?" A girl voice asked. I gasped.
"April?"
"Yes, It's me." Tears clouded my eyes.
"Oh my goodness. April," I started to cry over the phone and she laughed slightly.
"I called, finally. I wanted to talk to you about moving a such," she said.
"Oh, OK," I sniffled and sat up.
"When did you plan on coming?"
"Sometime next week. I need to get my stuff out of here and into boxes."
"You do have the address, right?" She asked.
"Yeah, it's on the envelopes."
"It is OK with your parents, right?" She questioned cautiously.
"Yes, definitely. April, I'm really excited. I can't wait to see you."
"I know, and I can't wait either. I have to go now. I'm glad that I could talk to you."
"Bye," I said and hung up. It was so good to talk to her. I enjoyed it so much, I wanted to call her and talk to her again. I picked up the phone again and called Andrew. He was happy to hear that I was moving, and he wanted to come over. I asked my parents it was too late, and they said it was OK. Within five minutes, he was already here.
"Hi," he said. I made sure that my parents were not there, and I ran upstairs into my room.
"Moving already?" I nodded.
"I'm moving in with them next week. Here's the address." I handed him the envelope, and he smiled.
"It really isn't that far."
"You'll be able to come and see me," I cried and ran over to him, throwing my arms around him.
"We really need to talk," he said, and just hearing it made my heart race.
"OK." I sat down on the bed, and he sat next to me.
"I really don't want to have a repeat of what happened the last time I was up here. I really, really like you June. I wanna be with you the rest of my life. I'm just afraid for the future. Will you ever be able to put what happened behind us?" I chewed on my lip. Just remembering it made me shiver, and I looked at him.
"Of course, it will resurface one day, but I am able to forget about it," I whispered.
"I really don't want to regret this . . . at all," he said and leaned over and kissed me. "Let's start over new. Pretend it never happened," He whispered and I nodded in agreement.
We made love, real love, for the first time, and it was a much better experience. I really felt that he loved me, and he was proving it to me. Afterward, we got under the covers and rested.
"It's getting late, and I want to do some more packing tonight," I murmured. He sat up and reached for his clothes.
"I will call you when I get to the house. I promise." I kissed him, and he let himself out. I put on a nightgown and curled up in my bed and fell asleep to one of the better nights that I had.
The next day, I practically had packed all of my room. Mom was wondering if I was rushing things, but I told her how badly I wanted to go.
"Mom, this is a great opportunity. I've been waiting for this for a while, and now it's just my time to go." She nodded her head and walked away without another word. April called again to check on me.
"Yeah, I'm almost packed," I said and she gasped.
"Damn, eager are we?" She asked and I laughed.
"Just a little. I really need to get out of here and breathe."
After that phone conversation, I finished the last of my packing, and called her to let her know that I would be there tomorrow.
"Holy cow! This place is a mess! I have to clean up. Thanks for short notice kid!" She yelled into the phone. I laughed.
"I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, OK?"
"Sure. Can't wait." She hung up, and I crawled into my bed for the last time in this house.
My dream was very strange that night. The first was that I was sitting in my living room, and the room suddenly goes black. There's a spotlight shining on me, and Daddy and Mom walked up to me.
"Is this the right thing to do? Desert us after Brian's death?" Daddy asked, his voice suddenly echoing.
"To leave us to grow old and die alone?" Mom asked. I started to cry.
"No, please, that's not what my intentions are," I cried.
"Sure," They sang, and I sobbed even louder.
I woke up suddenly, sweating bullets on my forehead. I didn't want them to feel like that. I wanted them to feel happy for me and my sister. I looked around the room which was now empty, and I thought that this would be the last time that I would ever be in here. I loved living here; I lived here all of my life, and now I was leaving it.
I thought of all the fond memories I had in my life in this room, and it made me feel at ease. My heart stopped racing, I cooled down, and I flopped back on my pillows and thanked the house for giving me this life.
I ran into the backyard, running, screaming for Mommy and Dad.
"Mom! Dad! Come quick!" I yelled at the top of my lungs, running as fast as I could over to the pool. The water had been disturbed, and I couldn't see Brian at all. Dear God, where was he?!
Mommy and Daddy finally came running out of the house.
"June . . . what's going on?" Daddy asked so calmly, I thought that this was all a dream.
"Brian! He. . . " I pointed to the pool, and there he was, lying face up, his eyes staring at the sky, his arms spread wide. I screamed and ran to the side of the pool and grabbed his thick wrist and pulled him over to me.
"Brian, wake up," I whispered, dragging him onto the pool deck. Dad and Mom ran to my side. I tried to lay him vertically, but there was something on his ankle. A rope. My heart jumped into my throat and I felt sick to my stomach.
There was a rope swing attached to a branch on the old great oak tree that stood in the backyard. Daddy took it off of Brian's ankle and started to perform CPR, and Mommy stroked his precious head of hair. I pulled out my phone, which I had conveniently and called an ambulance. They were here 5 minutes. Brian coughed and we all expected that he would become conscious, but his breathing stopped again, and the paramedics took over in the ambulance. Mommy and Daddy rode along, and I followed in my car.
Once they had arrived, they rushed him into the ER and we had to wait in the hallway, waiting for the doctor's words. I kept replaying the whole scene over and over in my head, seeing his blue face in the water, the rope tied around his ankle. All that I could think of was that this was all of my fault. If I could have watched him, played with him, it could have been prevented. It all could have been stopped!
As if Mom could read my thoughts, she rubbed my shoulder. "It wasn't your fault June. It's all of my fault. I let him play around the pool unsupervised with his toys and his boats, and that damned rope swing. . . "
"Don't go putting the blame on yourselves," Daddy snapped. "We all thought that he was smart enough not to play on the swing, or near the pool at all. Last I saw, he was in the field, playing with his toys." I shook my head and buried my face in my hands and trembled. Mommy rubbed my shoulders, and Daddy paced outside of Brian's room.
It seemed like almost an hour before the door opened and the doctor looked up. We all looked up in unison, hoping that he was not the bearer of bad news. His footsteps thundered in my ears; all of the commotion around us stopped. He stopped in front us, sighed, and placed his hands behind his back.
"Yes?" Dad asked impatiently.
"We did all that we could. I'm sorry. He had weak lungs," The doctor said. Daddy's knees folded and he was on the ground, sobbing hysterically.
When Brian was born, he was a few weeks premature and he was on life support for the first three months. The doctors recommended that he shouldn't swim much and not hurt himself too much.
I couldn't contain my tears either. It seemed now all of my days were full of crying and tears. All the pain I had felt were the tears that had spilled from my eyes. I ran over to Dad; Father or not, and hugged him so tightly and cried with him.
Brian was gone. He was never to return. The little brother that I had cherished, enjoyed being around, was gone. And he wasn't even my biological brother! I sobbed also because of that; Mommy and Dad didn't have any children now at all.
Finally, what seemed like hours of crying and holding and hugging, we left the hospital and ventured home.
I ran up to my room immediately; I wanted to write in my journal and write to April. I picked up the notebook first, and wrote April a very lengthy letter.
April-
I feel absolutely horrible. I was about to write you, and then something awful happened. It occurred so quickly, I'm still in shock.
Brian was outside playing in the backyard, and I was up in my room, and I heard him scream, so I ran down to the backyard, and there he was, in the pool, drowned!
Tears formed in my eyes, and I tried not to ruin the page, so I looked away as tears dripped down my cheeks.
We took him to the hospital and they tried to save him, but his lungs were too weak, and he had drowned. We have a rope swing in the backyard, and he played on it, and his ankle got caught and he couldn't get out.
We just arrived home from the hospital. I don't know what my parents are doing right now, but I know that I'm still crying. He wasn't even my real brother, but I loved him so much April. I don't know what to do!
It seems my life is going down the drain. Finding out about my adoption, my dark ways for a day, and now Brian. April, I don't know what to do! I need to get away, far away from here and forget my troubles, if it were only that easy.
I signed the letter and threw the notebook down angrily and sobbed into my pillow for a few minutes, then recorded the horrible day down in my journal.
Afterwards, I changed into my pajamas and stayed in bed all day, glimpsing at our family portrait that sat on my dresser. It seemed to be the most valuable thing at the time. Not my car, my jewelry, or my education mattered as much as my family did.
I grabbed the frame and held in close to me, stroking Brian's gold hair, smiling back at him. I remembered the day that the portrait was taken.
We had arrived slightly late, and the photographer was mad. We had to pick up Brian from school, and his teacher had held him back a few minutes after the bell. We were all wearing blue college sweaters with a white polo shirt underneath. I had my hair cut that day and it fell on my shoulders neatly. We all pasted smiles on our faces, and he took a few good frames. Brian kept making funny faces at the photographer, and that's why my smile looked so wide.
Tears flooded over my eyes just thinking about it. I never would have a happy moment, ever again, without Brian. We were a family, torn apart, and inside, it felt like it had been like this for years. I had no biological mother or father, and the parents that I had . . . of course I loved them to death, but thinking about what they had kept at me still boiled inside of me. How they kept that secret so long, it was beyond me.
I needed to get away, I thought, sitting up and reaching for the letter. I stuffed it into an envelope and licked it shut, then ran downstairs to mail it. I wanted her advice as soon as possible, and I wanted to know what she thought.
My life was now dependent on other people. I wasn't stable enough to handle it myself, and so I burden other people with it. I wanted to confide in someone, and tell them all of my fears and how I felt, and all of that, but nobody would even look at me. Andrew sure wasn't going to after what had happened, and I couldn't count on Cassie and Lilly, therefore I had no one to go to. I could go to my parents, I thought for a moment, then shook my head. They would just tell me that I'm being too dramatic, and things weren't as bad as they seemed.
My father had once told me, "If you didn't find happiness in your own backyard, you haven't found happiness ever." I had happiness. I was living the life that some of my schoolmates dreamed about, and it was slowly slipping down the drain. Now, my backyard was ruined; Brian was dead, I gave myself away to a boy I really didn't even care that much, and I had made friends with two scoundrels.
My heart literally ached. I wanted to heal all the damaged my heart had suffered, but I realized the wounds were too deep to ever be refilled; even if I got older and forgot about my horrid past, there would still be the scars.
Funeral arrangements were made for Brian immediately when Daddy returned home. They were set for next week, and Mom's job was to call relatives and friends and tell them the news. I could hear their screams all the way from upstairs. Screams of terror, anger, disappointment, and every time I heard that, I cringed inside. I had known all along that it was my fault for Brian's tragic death, and no matter how hard I tried to forget that, it would still linger in my mind.
A few days after, family and friends started to arrived before the actual funeral. Mother made me stand by the front door and greet whoever entered, which was painful to see the pain in their own eyes. My Aunt Elizabeth and my Uncle George came along to stay with us, along with the children Mary, who was 10, and Lee, who was 20. They stayed in the guest room next to mine, and Mary was always coming inside of my room looking for someone to play with.
"Not now Mary, I'm not feeling well," I told her, and Lee walked into the room. Lee was 6 feet tall and had platinum blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes.
"Go on Mary, you heard her," he barked, and she scampered out of the room to go find Aunt Elizabeth.
"Thank you," I whispered to him and he smiled warmly.
"I live with her, I know what its like," he muttered, sitting on the edge of my bed. I was sitting at my desk, fiddling with old letters that April was writing to me. I was expecting her letter any day now. "Are you OK, June?"
I shrugged. "I guess. Things haven't really been on the upside for me lately."
"I know, Brian's death is pretty devastating." I scoffed. If only he knew what else was wrong, I thought. At that moment, I was debating whether or not to tell him that I was truly adopted. I wondered about it for a moment, and then Mom knocked on my door.
"You have a letter from April," she announced and handed it to me. I squealed with delight and ripped it open.
"Who's April?" Lee asked, peering over my shoulder.
"She's my si-My best friend," I lied. "She moved away from here and she writes to me often," I added. I thought that it was better that Lee and the whole family didn't know about my adoption. Some things were better kept secret. I unfolded the letter open, and started to read. Lee had left and shut the door behind him. I couldn't stop the tears of happiness that gushed out of my eyes.
June-
That's so horrible. I really am sorry. I wish I could have gotten to know your brother; he sounded really fun and cool. Strange the way he passed though. . .
I know things are going down in a ditch in your life, but I want to warn you to not do something stupid to try and fix things. It could only make things worse, and then what would you do? Yes, I'm talking about suicide, and I really don't want you to that point, because I know people that have considered it, and have ruined their lives. And besides, its a very selfish thing to do, and you're not a very selfish person.
But, alas, I have some good news to tell you. Jeff and I just bought a 5 bedroom house in town, and it's really neat. Me and Jeff plan on using all of those rooms, if you get what I mean. But honestly, if you really are stuck and you don't know what to do, come and live with me. I really could use another girl in the house, and it might be fun. Maybe one day, all four of us could live together.
I'm sure you are wondering how we got the money to buy a 5 bedroom house. Jeff revoked his college money; he had it all paid off too, and so we had some money to spend. Of course, his parents flipped, but I know a few people, and Jeff is going to go to the community college where things are way cheaper there.
It would be so fun for you to come and live with me. You could start a fresh page, and soon, all 4 of us will be together, and everything will be happy; no sadness. AT ALL! I want you to consider my offer, and please, let me know about it. I really want to help you out, and if this is the way I can do it, then so be it!
With all of my love,
April
I suppressed a sob. She wanted me to come and live with her? I would leave in a heartbeat! I had so wanted to meet her in person, and living with her would be fantastic! I ran out of my room, tears flying behind me and flew downstairs, looking for my parents; Daddy preferably.
"Daddy!" I yelled, running into his office. He was sitting down at his desk, looking over some papers, as usual. He looked up, and I shuddered.
Now Brian's death was very apparent. He had bags under his eyes, it seemed that he had aged completely. I felt horrible to bring this upon him, but I had to break it to him.
"What is it June?" He asked, propping himself up on his elbow. I saw Lee walk by, and I saw the question on his face, and I shut the two French doors that enclosed Daddy in his office.
"I have something to ask you and to tell you," I started, and sat down in one of his leather chairs.
"Yes?"
"First, I was curious if I should tell Brian about. . . " I was trying to find the right word to explain it, but Dady interjected.
"The adoption."
I nodded. "I haven't told him, yet, unless you don't want me to. I thought it would better for the family if I didn't, especially now at this time," I said softly, biting on my lip. He sighed heavily.
"I think that maybe it is time to let the skeletons out of my closet. Some do know about it, but I have sworn them to secrecy, and they haven't spoken a word. My sister and her husband do not know about it, and maybe it is time to tell them," he concluded. I nodded, deciding that it was a wise choice. "What was the other thing?" That's when my heart started to race.
"Daddy, I just got a letter from my sister." I held it up for him to see. He nodded. "She just bought a five bedroom house, and she has invited me to live with her until I leave for Massachusetts." There was a pregnant pause in the air, and I thought my heart was thumping as fast as it could. Finally Daddy stood up.
"If you would like to go, then you may go. I can't hold onto you forever; I should have realized that the day we came home with you. I really just want the best for you June, and I love you so much." Tears bubbled in my eyes.
"What about Mother?" I whispered. He walked over and touched my shoulder.
"We need to talk to her. Actually, we need to have a talk with everyone in the house. I'll bring everyone downstairs in the den," he announced. He almost sounded excited about it. We hadn't had a family meeting in ages. I nodded and went into my room for a brief moment, brushed my hair, and picked up a notebook to write April. I jotted a quick letter to her, and then went downstairs to the den.
Everyone was seated on the couch, even Lee! Mary was not there, because she was too young to understand.
"What's this all about?" Lee asked, folding his arms across my chest. Mom looked confused, and Dad stood in the corner and nodded at me.
"I have something to tell you, Aunt Liz, Uncle George, Lee." I took a long breath. "I am, adopted." I couldn't find a better way to put it, so I just blurted it out. Liz looked confused, Uncle George blinked, and Lee looked absolutely shocked.
"Annie. . . ?" Aunt Elizabeth looked at my Mom, who just nodded. Aunt Elizabeth shook her head.
"I'm sorry," I sputtered. That was all that I could manage to say.
"What? Why?" Lee asked. "How long have you know?"
"For a while now," I muttered. He just shook his head.
"But I think I have better news for you all," I said excitedly. "My real sister April-" Lee's head perked up. "Has invited me to live with her and her . . . husband." I'm sure my parents would be shocked to hear that she was married, but if I told them that she lived with her boyfriend, they wouldn't let me go. I looked over at Mom, who paled. I was waiting for her reaction all along.
"You are going to let her live with her sister? Alone?" Aunt Elizabeth cried.
"With my 3 other sisters," I said, and her eyes widened.
"Oh goodness. Annie?" My Aunt repeated. She stood up and walked over to me.
"If you need to go, you may go. But always know that this is your home," she said so faintly, I almost couldn't hear her. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her so tightly.
"Thank you, thank you," I whispered in her ear, and she patted my shoulders.
"Well, I think we're done here," Dad said, walking into the middle of the room. I nodded and ran up to my room to send the letter and wait for her next letter. Lee came into my room and sat down.
"I don't understand. Are you really adopted?"
"Of course! I wouldn't lie about that," I snapped and turned my back away from him. He walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.
"Well, I guess it could be a good thing and a bad thing. You're not part of our family, biologically, but," he leaned in closer to whisper in my ear, his lips brushing against my cheek. "I always thought that you were cute." I ripped away from him and pointed to the door.
"Get out. Get out or I'll call my father up here and tell him what you said," I whispered ferociously. He grinned sarcastically and left the room.
I was a part of this family, I thought, blood related or not.
The funeral day arrived quickly, and everyone in the whole town practically gathered in the big Catholic church downtown. Everyone arrived; even Andrew, Lilly and Cassandra were there. I looked over at them, but didn't bother talking to them. I wanted nothing more to do with them, especially Andrew. I sat in the front with my family and waited for the priest to start.
Many people that had arrived at the event went up to the pew and said something very nice about Brian. It brought a new set of tears to my eyes to hear these people sharing their great events with my little brother. Some of his friends started wailing during the middle of the service, and nobody was angry, because, I thought, if they were a child, they would have done the same thing.
After everyone said their words, we all walked up to the coffin my brother was in, and placed a rose on it. I knew that he wouldn't like the roses, but he didn't understand the whole point of it. When it was my turn to lay down my rose, I leaned over to the top, and whispered, "The planes are really big there." I kissed the top of the coffin and walked away. I could feel Andrew's eyes glued to me, but I willed myself not to look at him.
The minister closed the service quickly with the Lord's prayer, and we were dismissed. I wanted to get out of the church, because I didn't want to talk to the guests, and I certainly didn't want to talk to Andrew. But Mom forced me to say at least hello to some of the guests, and Andrew had caught me completely off-guard.
"Can we talk?" He asked softly. He had on a gray button up shirt, and black pants. He looked more handsome than ever, but I would never let him know that.
"Sure," I said shakily, and pulled him into the shadows of the sanctuary were nobody was to be seen.
"I've been thinking about you a lot," Andrew announced, and I leaned against the wall and fiddled with my hair. "I know you've been thinking of me."
"They weren't the best of my thoughts," I muttered, and that gave him a slight smile.
"I want you to know that I am really sorry about what happened between us. I really didn't want it to happen that way, but the way you passed yourself off. . ." Tears clouded my eyes, and I looked away.
"I know. I didn't want it to happen that way. It was my first time," I admitted. He nodded.
"I want to start this over again . . . us. I really have changed. After what happened, I really want to be with you." I shivered, then sniffled. I did love him! I really did! I wanted nothing more to love him and be with him, but something was telling me not to. I shook my head and cried on his shoulder.
"Oh Andrew, why does it have to be like this?" I moaned. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed me. It was the best kiss that I had ever received in my entire being with Andrew. We leaned up against the wall and he put his arms around me and really kissed me.
I wanted to be with him, this is man that I wanted! My brain screamed at me and told me this over and over, but my heart said to wait on it. I ran my fingers through his dark hair and he started to kiss my neck over and over again, and it all felt so wonderful.
"Andrew," I whispered, and he looked up. "I'm moving in with my sister." He looked confused, and I quickly told him that I was adopted. Somehow, he had already found out.
"Is it far?" He asked. I shook my head.
"Not at all. Andrew, I really love you," I whispered in his ear and clung onto him so tightly, I thought he would tell me to stop. But he held me just as long.
"I really don't want to do this, but something is telling me that I should. I really need to think about this Andrew. I need to call you later." I kissed him and walk away from him quickly so that I could leave.
When we had arrived home, there was a letter in the mail for me, from April of course. I tore it open and read it. She said that she was just fine with my decision and that she would give more details later. I changed into my pajamas and started to rummage through my things. I kept what I wanted to keep, and what I didn't want, I put it in a box and put it in storage.
Almost at nine o clock, my phone rang. I hadn't talked to anyone in a while, so I thought it might have been Andrew.
"Hello?" I asked. Just by the pause I could tell it was definitely not Andrew.
"June?" A girl voice asked. I gasped.
"April?"
"Yes, It's me." Tears clouded my eyes.
"Oh my goodness. April," I started to cry over the phone and she laughed slightly.
"I called, finally. I wanted to talk to you about moving a such," she said.
"Oh, OK," I sniffled and sat up.
"When did you plan on coming?"
"Sometime next week. I need to get my stuff out of here and into boxes."
"You do have the address, right?" She asked.
"Yeah, it's on the envelopes."
"It is OK with your parents, right?" She questioned cautiously.
"Yes, definitely. April, I'm really excited. I can't wait to see you."
"I know, and I can't wait either. I have to go now. I'm glad that I could talk to you."
"Bye," I said and hung up. It was so good to talk to her. I enjoyed it so much, I wanted to call her and talk to her again. I picked up the phone again and called Andrew. He was happy to hear that I was moving, and he wanted to come over. I asked my parents it was too late, and they said it was OK. Within five minutes, he was already here.
"Hi," he said. I made sure that my parents were not there, and I ran upstairs into my room.
"Moving already?" I nodded.
"I'm moving in with them next week. Here's the address." I handed him the envelope, and he smiled.
"It really isn't that far."
"You'll be able to come and see me," I cried and ran over to him, throwing my arms around him.
"We really need to talk," he said, and just hearing it made my heart race.
"OK." I sat down on the bed, and he sat next to me.
"I really don't want to have a repeat of what happened the last time I was up here. I really, really like you June. I wanna be with you the rest of my life. I'm just afraid for the future. Will you ever be able to put what happened behind us?" I chewed on my lip. Just remembering it made me shiver, and I looked at him.
"Of course, it will resurface one day, but I am able to forget about it," I whispered.
"I really don't want to regret this . . . at all," he said and leaned over and kissed me. "Let's start over new. Pretend it never happened," He whispered and I nodded in agreement.
We made love, real love, for the first time, and it was a much better experience. I really felt that he loved me, and he was proving it to me. Afterward, we got under the covers and rested.
"It's getting late, and I want to do some more packing tonight," I murmured. He sat up and reached for his clothes.
"I will call you when I get to the house. I promise." I kissed him, and he let himself out. I put on a nightgown and curled up in my bed and fell asleep to one of the better nights that I had.
The next day, I practically had packed all of my room. Mom was wondering if I was rushing things, but I told her how badly I wanted to go.
"Mom, this is a great opportunity. I've been waiting for this for a while, and now it's just my time to go." She nodded her head and walked away without another word. April called again to check on me.
"Yeah, I'm almost packed," I said and she gasped.
"Damn, eager are we?" She asked and I laughed.
"Just a little. I really need to get out of here and breathe."
After that phone conversation, I finished the last of my packing, and called her to let her know that I would be there tomorrow.
"Holy cow! This place is a mess! I have to clean up. Thanks for short notice kid!" She yelled into the phone. I laughed.
"I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, OK?"
"Sure. Can't wait." She hung up, and I crawled into my bed for the last time in this house.
My dream was very strange that night. The first was that I was sitting in my living room, and the room suddenly goes black. There's a spotlight shining on me, and Daddy and Mom walked up to me.
"Is this the right thing to do? Desert us after Brian's death?" Daddy asked, his voice suddenly echoing.
"To leave us to grow old and die alone?" Mom asked. I started to cry.
"No, please, that's not what my intentions are," I cried.
"Sure," They sang, and I sobbed even louder.
I woke up suddenly, sweating bullets on my forehead. I didn't want them to feel like that. I wanted them to feel happy for me and my sister. I looked around the room which was now empty, and I thought that this would be the last time that I would ever be in here. I loved living here; I lived here all of my life, and now I was leaving it.
I thought of all the fond memories I had in my life in this room, and it made me feel at ease. My heart stopped racing, I cooled down, and I flopped back on my pillows and thanked the house for giving me this life.