Fallen
By Darkniteangel

AN: The song used in the song fic is Fallen by Sarah Mclachlin.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Alec sat in the backroom at Crash watching people mill about and get drunk. Alec, himself, had been nursing several scotches for the past hour. Heavy thoughts weighed his mind...thoughts of her...

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

She sat surrounded by her friends, laughing, enjoying the free time given to her. She looks up at him, catching his eye. He holds her gaze for what seems an eternity...remembering....tortured dreams...fantasies of her. No matter how hard he tried he could never forget...the way she walked...the way she spoke...the way she breathes...

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Alec looks away, downing his scotch and waving for another. They always told him back at Manticore to watch out for the women...they told him that they could mess with one's head. Did he ever listen...of course not...that was how he fell for Rachel.

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

He was a freak...as so many people deemed Joshua. He was just like Joshua...a transgenic...born and bred to kill. Did she know that? Does she understand? Many a night he would awaken from a pleasant dream...a dream of her. Always after he would ask, "Would she understand? How could she love me?" How could she love him? Would she love him if she knew....if she knew that he was...evil...

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Alec downs yet another scotch, this time slamming the shot glass down on the table. The glass shatters. He apologizes to the barmaid and asks for another...wanting to drown his sorrows. Wanting to drown her....drown her in his scotch....

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Alec thinks of everyone back in Terminal City. They expected him back...Would they know? Would they be able to understand, to help him? Would any of his few ordinary friends understand....would they want to know what he has done? It was too late for him. He has already committed his sin. All he wanted...all he needed was her forgiveness. He wanted to let her take his pain....but he couldn't. Not her....

Alec gets up, throws a couple of bills on the table and leaves. He wanted to look back...wanted to see her one last time. But he couldn't bring himself to it. He climbs the stairs, his thoughts on her. He bumps into some one and automatically apologizes.

"You are forgiven..."

He looks up into her eyes...those beautiful eyes. Hope fills them...a hope he wish he could give. But he can't...he can't let her pay for his sins. He can't let her die...

"No....I'm not..."

He walks away...this time...for good....for her...

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

AN: Coming soon, the second part to this tale. Her story.....