Kudos.
Mortalsora: Yes, you do need to update again. DO IT!
Omega boy: Umm, how about Slayer's "Angel of death"? It's about Joseph Mengele......
Mikoto: No, Kain is da man!
A/N: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! The first real Defiance parody is ready! Read it, bitches!
******************************************************************
Kain: given the choice, wether to make fun of Bush, or making gay jokes on Gore's behalf, since he's Bush's lapdog, what was a king to do? Apart from saying the correct lines. This may be a humour story- hold on a second (laughs at that)- okay, I'm ready again. So anyway, treacherous stars, corrupt empire, yadda yadda yadda, throw something at destiny, bla bla bla. Who writes this?
Soul Reaver 1/2 flashbacks.
Kain: But does one ever truly have a choice, when the author is a 15 year old dumbass, who thinks he's hot? Besides, one can only match, move by move, the masochism of fate, and thus use chess parallels to piss the stars off, so you win.
Kain batforms it to the sarafan stronghold.
Kain: (singing like Fred Durst) no one knows what it's like/to be the bat- man........
He looks through a gate.
Kain: And so I returned to the sanctuary of my enemy. The fortress of the Sarafan brotherhood, deemed impossible for any man to penetrate. (laughs) impossible for any man. HEY! IS THE SCRIPTWRITER MAKING FUN OF MY LONG HAIR AGAIN?! I'LL KILL THE BASTARD!!!!!
Soldier at the gate: VAMPIRE!!
Kain: Ooops........
He slices the soldier's head off, with a clean swipe.
Kain: Wow, I didn't think that was even possible in this game!
He then listens to some nearby sarafans' conversation, since he's an eavesdropper. Bastard.
Kain: HEY! (remembers what happened when he last shouted) Ooops, never mind that. Deep within these walls, my prey awaited. Moebius, the Time streamer, deceiver and eternal gangsta(!!!!), using living beings as his pawns. What is it with the scripwriters and chess? Were they nerds in high school, or what?
Soldier 1: In the end, we managed to get all the young, beautiful maidens into the cart.
Soldier 2: But we had already swept that area!
Soldier 1: Not well enough, but no matter. We will have rescued them all from their virginity.
Soldier 2: Lord Moebius will be pleased.
Kain drops down.
Kain: Sick bastards....... Hey, there's a way away from this crappy place! It was time for Moebius to answer a few questions. And I hoped for his well being, that he wouldn't be busy with the "cleansed"........
Kain finds a woman chained to the wall.
Kain: This better not be one of those up for "cleansing"......
Prisoner: Please help me, kind sir!
Kain: that's my cue! (promptly drinks her blood) From time to time, it's necessary to feed, and the unusual event of a feast prepared by the sarafan must be savoured.
In fact it's a trap.
Kain: D'OH!
50000 sarafans surround him. And now I get a computer virus, so #¤%&/()=)¤#¤%&/()=?*^__\\€£€${€{$€{[$€$£$$£{[{]|@|}@]}]}$[€]@£}]€€[/&/&%¤ ¤¤§§§§§§½½½½24535265(//&%¤
Kain: Done and done!
Corey: Cheap Crystarr ripoff!
Corey gets bathed in battery acid.
Corey: Ouch!
Kain: Please don't tell me I have to have Corey with me!
Yes, you do.
Kain: CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Corey: Get over it, goth-boy.
Kain: Why do you always have to insult me?
Corey: because I hate you, Kain.
Kain: Dumbass.
They come to a guard on a ledge, and Kain uses his UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!) to impale him on a stake.
Kain (looking at the water: The touch of water is like acid to a vampire, as have been said in ALL THE OTHER GAMES BUT SOUL REAVER 2! WE GET THE FREAKING POINT! I had to find another way to pass. Coincidentally, a nearby 2 meter high coffee machine. He jumps over to the nearby ledge, then remembers that he forgot Corey on the side.
Kain: AWESOME!
Kain gets bathed in battery acid.
Kain: Okay, I'll get him.
He gets him, then drops him in the water.
Corey: (floating away) I'll get you for this, Kain!
Kain walks around, finding TK runes, to enhance his UBER-SMALL ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!), so that it doesn't run out as fast as George Bush after that spelling accident with the little girl.
Kain: Enough with the jokes about my telekinesis!
He finds a door sealed by magic.
Kain: This passage undoubtedly led to the time streamer and his pervertedness. But the door was sealed by magic. As I was near the wall, the reaver did something that I don't know what means in response. Maybe it's power could f*ck the door up.
He tries to smash the door. As a result, he gets shocked with electricity.
Kain: Ouch! Nope. Didn't work. Maybe that floating head in front of the door knows something. Hello, skull thing, can you open the door?
Door: ..........
Corey: Kain, it's just a symbol.
Kain: BLASTED!
They move around, finding some archers on a ledge. They rain fiery death upon the two. Well, actually just Kain, since he's just standing there like a dumbass, whereas Corey has seeked cover under the ledge. With the aid of Kain's UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!), they kill the archers.
Corey: Never mind the fact, that I shot at them with my rifle.
Kain: Listen to me, you crazy bastard, this is MY game, so you suck.
Corey: It's also Raziel's game.
Kain: Yes, but I don't see your name anywhere in the title.
Corey: 'Defiance'....... I don't see your name, either.
Kain: Look at the 'Legacy of KAIN' part.
Corey: Yeah, LEGACY. That's like heritage. The reaver could just as well be your heritage for Raziel.
Kain: Shut up.
They move on, and find a hallway, that sorta looks like the room that had William The Justin Timberlake's tomb in it in Soul Reaver 2. It looks smaller, though.
Kain: Damn Crystal Dynamics and their environment changes!
The door slams down behind them.
Kain: Locked. What a love of doors these pathetic humans have.
Corey: condescending bastard.
Kain: Shut up, you little punk.
They move on, and find a fragment of the balance emblem. (does that even make sense?) They are blocked from it, however, by an elevator, that is a ripoff of the bloody elevator in The Shining, but instead of blood, "milk" flows out.
Kain: JUMP!!!!!!!
They jump unto the nearby fence, and watch as sarafan soldiers are flooded away, by the uber-grossly river of unholyness.
Kain: Looks like it's gone now.
They jump down, and Kain retrieves the reaver emblem. Backstabbers swarm behind him.
Sarafan: Sound the alarm!
Sarafan: Don't let him escape!
Sarafan: Surround him!
Sarafan: Surrender, fiend, and we'll promise you an easy death.
Kain: I could promise you the same, but it would be a lie.
Corey: You just have to shake them off of you , don't you?
Kain: shut up, Corey.
They kill and kill again.
Tom Araya: No appearent motive, just kill and kill again, survive my brutal trashing and I'll hunt you 'til the end..................
Kain: Shut up.
They pass a tv.
Alex Trebek (on the tv): And now it's time for 'name this object'.
Sean Connery: It's a man with a moustache.
Alex: No, mr. Connery, I'm not the object.
Kain: Blasted Concept and his blasted downloads from Denine.
Suddenly, the channel changes, and we see Moebius sitting in an office, that looks remarkably as Bush's.
Moebius: My fellow citizen. I'm pleased to inform you, that people are supportive of my agenda, and this administration. But a few people have criticised this organization. Maybe these people don't understand. Nosgoth is presently at war. Not just a war on vampirism, but we're engaged in a deadly standoff, with the Axis of evil. You know who I'm talking about: the Hylden. But my axis of evil doesn't seem to interest some people. They just want to talk about the economy and budgets, and time-traveling vampires.. I bet most of the people out there don't even understand time-traveling vampires. I sure as heck don't. It hurts my head to think about them. So from now on, time-travelling vampires are a part of my axis of evil. I don't want to hear anything else about time-travelling vampires, unless our forces has pounded them into submission. So look out, time-travelling vampires, you're now part of the axis of evil. So is the economy. I don't like the way the economy is acting, not very Nosgothian. It's evil. The economy is now a part of my axis of evil. Also, I don't like fellow circle member Mortanius. You know why? He's very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He's now a part of the axis of evil. So quick recap: That's the Hylden, Mortanius, time-travelling vampires, the economy, and don't forget the Hylden dimension. The Hylden dimension don't like me saying the axis of evil, so they are now a part of the very same axis of evil, that they don't like me saying. How do you like them apples, Hylden dimension? Next time keep your mouth shut. You mess with the circle, and it's straight to the axis of evil, you got it? The ancients were the original axis of evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn't. They're back in. Here's what you probably didn't expect. Malek. Now he's up to something, and I don't like it. He's never around. If I'm in the chronoplast, he's not. If I'm on a boat, nowhere in sight. He's very sneaky. Not to mention scary. I'm putting him in the axis of evil. For now. Evil Kenievel is going on the axis of evil, but that's a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No, he makes me laugh, so he's out. So you see, Nosgoth, there's nothing to fear, everything's fine. You go out, and just keep trading, begging and investing in glyph power. Don't' listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they're like math. And math is very much a part of the axis of evil.
Kain: I'm really ripping that man a new one, once I meet him.
Corey: You think this was a Bush joke?
Kain: YEAH! It's a SNL ripoff!
Corey: They ripped Bush off?
Kain: Hell yeah!
They find the fuked up Oroborhoboroschkowhatever chamber, and kill soldiers, then examines the bigass doorlock.
Kain: Okay, why are they making such a bigass lock?
Corey: So your dumb self could actually find the key.
(ladies and gentlemen, it has just come to my attention, that I threw Corey down the river, so he's now going sailing again)
Corey: Damn you, Conceeeeeeeeeeeept.........
Kain: Finally free of the bastard!
He works his way round the fortress, eventually finding the chamber with Moebius in it.
Moebius: Yes....I understand....it will be done....the stage is set.
Woman's voice: Can I get the milk now, then?
Moebius: I wasn't talking to you.
Kain: Not only is he a pervert, he's a schizophrenic pervert.
Moebius: You needn't linger in the shadows, Kain.
Kain: I wasn't. I was standing in front of you, kicking you in the face.
Moebius: Oh yeah. Ouch! It has been a long time, hasn't it?
Kain: No banter, Bush- I mean, Moebius, you know why I'm here.
Moebius: Yes, Raziel.
Kain: WRONG! I'm here to talk to you about that little speech you gave.
Moebius: Shouldn't we just get on with the plot?
Kain: NO!
Moebius: You sought to introduce your own pawn into this game, and now he's been swept from the board.
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THE CHESS PARALLELS! Where is he?
Moebius: Perhaps you should ask......when. How humiliating it must be for you to come begging at my doorstep.
Kain: God-damn Morpheus-ripoff!
He steps forward, and Moebius uses the staff to immobilize him.
Moebius: DON'T threaten me, Kain.
The reaver falls out of Kain's hand, and lands a few inches from him.
Moebius: You see, I have the upper hand.
Kain: I know you have a hand. It's huge as hell.
Moebius: Shut up. How remarkable, that the great Kain should succumb to the scepter's power like any common vampire.
Kain: Cram it, you bald loser, I'm not mediocre like them.
Moebius: Still so arrogant after all these years, thinking you've derived some brilliant plan. You know nothing. You have read the signs, but misread their meaning.
Kain: No, you have!
Moebius: No, you have. You believe you are that myth of Vampire prophecy, the Scion of Balance, and that Raziel holds the key to fulfilling your destiny. But your messianic delusions have blinded you to Raziel's true nature. You have no idea what you've unleashed.
Kain: Unless it's a new Justin Timberlake, I'm not worried. Moebius: There was a time when you might have heeded wise counsel when it was offered. Now, your vanity has made you witless. You will have to learn the truth for yourself.
He pushes the reaver towards Kain.
Moebius: You'll be needing this. Your strength will return after I have departed. But by then, you will have more urgent concerns than pursuing me. Perhaps, when we next meet, you will have learned a little humility.
Moebius leaves, and seals the door with some bigass key.
Kain: Now if only I could find some bigass key. Oh wait, there's one at the door! Silly me.
Some shades slap him around.
Kain: Ouch!
He kills them.
**************************************************************************** ********** Now, give me 5 reviews! Not 3 like last time, damnit!
Mortalsora: Yes, you do need to update again. DO IT!
Omega boy: Umm, how about Slayer's "Angel of death"? It's about Joseph Mengele......
Mikoto: No, Kain is da man!
A/N: MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! The first real Defiance parody is ready! Read it, bitches!
******************************************************************
Kain: given the choice, wether to make fun of Bush, or making gay jokes on Gore's behalf, since he's Bush's lapdog, what was a king to do? Apart from saying the correct lines. This may be a humour story- hold on a second (laughs at that)- okay, I'm ready again. So anyway, treacherous stars, corrupt empire, yadda yadda yadda, throw something at destiny, bla bla bla. Who writes this?
Soul Reaver 1/2 flashbacks.
Kain: But does one ever truly have a choice, when the author is a 15 year old dumbass, who thinks he's hot? Besides, one can only match, move by move, the masochism of fate, and thus use chess parallels to piss the stars off, so you win.
Kain batforms it to the sarafan stronghold.
Kain: (singing like Fred Durst) no one knows what it's like/to be the bat- man........
He looks through a gate.
Kain: And so I returned to the sanctuary of my enemy. The fortress of the Sarafan brotherhood, deemed impossible for any man to penetrate. (laughs) impossible for any man. HEY! IS THE SCRIPTWRITER MAKING FUN OF MY LONG HAIR AGAIN?! I'LL KILL THE BASTARD!!!!!
Soldier at the gate: VAMPIRE!!
Kain: Ooops........
He slices the soldier's head off, with a clean swipe.
Kain: Wow, I didn't think that was even possible in this game!
He then listens to some nearby sarafans' conversation, since he's an eavesdropper. Bastard.
Kain: HEY! (remembers what happened when he last shouted) Ooops, never mind that. Deep within these walls, my prey awaited. Moebius, the Time streamer, deceiver and eternal gangsta(!!!!), using living beings as his pawns. What is it with the scripwriters and chess? Were they nerds in high school, or what?
Soldier 1: In the end, we managed to get all the young, beautiful maidens into the cart.
Soldier 2: But we had already swept that area!
Soldier 1: Not well enough, but no matter. We will have rescued them all from their virginity.
Soldier 2: Lord Moebius will be pleased.
Kain drops down.
Kain: Sick bastards....... Hey, there's a way away from this crappy place! It was time for Moebius to answer a few questions. And I hoped for his well being, that he wouldn't be busy with the "cleansed"........
Kain finds a woman chained to the wall.
Kain: This better not be one of those up for "cleansing"......
Prisoner: Please help me, kind sir!
Kain: that's my cue! (promptly drinks her blood) From time to time, it's necessary to feed, and the unusual event of a feast prepared by the sarafan must be savoured.
In fact it's a trap.
Kain: D'OH!
50000 sarafans surround him. And now I get a computer virus, so #¤%&/()=)¤#¤%&/()=?*^__\\€£€${€{$€{[$€$£$$£{[{]|@|}@]}]}$[€]@£}]€€[/&/&%¤ ¤¤§§§§§§½½½½24535265(//&%¤
Kain: Done and done!
Corey: Cheap Crystarr ripoff!
Corey gets bathed in battery acid.
Corey: Ouch!
Kain: Please don't tell me I have to have Corey with me!
Yes, you do.
Kain: CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Corey: Get over it, goth-boy.
Kain: Why do you always have to insult me?
Corey: because I hate you, Kain.
Kain: Dumbass.
They come to a guard on a ledge, and Kain uses his UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!) to impale him on a stake.
Kain (looking at the water: The touch of water is like acid to a vampire, as have been said in ALL THE OTHER GAMES BUT SOUL REAVER 2! WE GET THE FREAKING POINT! I had to find another way to pass. Coincidentally, a nearby 2 meter high coffee machine. He jumps over to the nearby ledge, then remembers that he forgot Corey on the side.
Kain: AWESOME!
Kain gets bathed in battery acid.
Kain: Okay, I'll get him.
He gets him, then drops him in the water.
Corey: (floating away) I'll get you for this, Kain!
Kain walks around, finding TK runes, to enhance his UBER-SMALL ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!), so that it doesn't run out as fast as George Bush after that spelling accident with the little girl.
Kain: Enough with the jokes about my telekinesis!
He finds a door sealed by magic.
Kain: This passage undoubtedly led to the time streamer and his pervertedness. But the door was sealed by magic. As I was near the wall, the reaver did something that I don't know what means in response. Maybe it's power could f*ck the door up.
He tries to smash the door. As a result, he gets shocked with electricity.
Kain: Ouch! Nope. Didn't work. Maybe that floating head in front of the door knows something. Hello, skull thing, can you open the door?
Door: ..........
Corey: Kain, it's just a symbol.
Kain: BLASTED!
They move around, finding some archers on a ledge. They rain fiery death upon the two. Well, actually just Kain, since he's just standing there like a dumbass, whereas Corey has seeked cover under the ledge. With the aid of Kain's UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS(!!!), they kill the archers.
Corey: Never mind the fact, that I shot at them with my rifle.
Kain: Listen to me, you crazy bastard, this is MY game, so you suck.
Corey: It's also Raziel's game.
Kain: Yes, but I don't see your name anywhere in the title.
Corey: 'Defiance'....... I don't see your name, either.
Kain: Look at the 'Legacy of KAIN' part.
Corey: Yeah, LEGACY. That's like heritage. The reaver could just as well be your heritage for Raziel.
Kain: Shut up.
They move on, and find a hallway, that sorta looks like the room that had William The Justin Timberlake's tomb in it in Soul Reaver 2. It looks smaller, though.
Kain: Damn Crystal Dynamics and their environment changes!
The door slams down behind them.
Kain: Locked. What a love of doors these pathetic humans have.
Corey: condescending bastard.
Kain: Shut up, you little punk.
They move on, and find a fragment of the balance emblem. (does that even make sense?) They are blocked from it, however, by an elevator, that is a ripoff of the bloody elevator in The Shining, but instead of blood, "milk" flows out.
Kain: JUMP!!!!!!!
They jump unto the nearby fence, and watch as sarafan soldiers are flooded away, by the uber-grossly river of unholyness.
Kain: Looks like it's gone now.
They jump down, and Kain retrieves the reaver emblem. Backstabbers swarm behind him.
Sarafan: Sound the alarm!
Sarafan: Don't let him escape!
Sarafan: Surround him!
Sarafan: Surrender, fiend, and we'll promise you an easy death.
Kain: I could promise you the same, but it would be a lie.
Corey: You just have to shake them off of you , don't you?
Kain: shut up, Corey.
They kill and kill again.
Tom Araya: No appearent motive, just kill and kill again, survive my brutal trashing and I'll hunt you 'til the end..................
Kain: Shut up.
They pass a tv.
Alex Trebek (on the tv): And now it's time for 'name this object'.
Sean Connery: It's a man with a moustache.
Alex: No, mr. Connery, I'm not the object.
Kain: Blasted Concept and his blasted downloads from Denine.
Suddenly, the channel changes, and we see Moebius sitting in an office, that looks remarkably as Bush's.
Moebius: My fellow citizen. I'm pleased to inform you, that people are supportive of my agenda, and this administration. But a few people have criticised this organization. Maybe these people don't understand. Nosgoth is presently at war. Not just a war on vampirism, but we're engaged in a deadly standoff, with the Axis of evil. You know who I'm talking about: the Hylden. But my axis of evil doesn't seem to interest some people. They just want to talk about the economy and budgets, and time-traveling vampires.. I bet most of the people out there don't even understand time-traveling vampires. I sure as heck don't. It hurts my head to think about them. So from now on, time-travelling vampires are a part of my axis of evil. I don't want to hear anything else about time-travelling vampires, unless our forces has pounded them into submission. So look out, time-travelling vampires, you're now part of the axis of evil. So is the economy. I don't like the way the economy is acting, not very Nosgothian. It's evil. The economy is now a part of my axis of evil. Also, I don't like fellow circle member Mortanius. You know why? He's very critical. You know where that leads him? You got it. He's now a part of the axis of evil. So quick recap: That's the Hylden, Mortanius, time-travelling vampires, the economy, and don't forget the Hylden dimension. The Hylden dimension don't like me saying the axis of evil, so they are now a part of the very same axis of evil, that they don't like me saying. How do you like them apples, Hylden dimension? Next time keep your mouth shut. You mess with the circle, and it's straight to the axis of evil, you got it? The ancients were the original axis of evil. Maybe they thought I would forget, but I didn't. They're back in. Here's what you probably didn't expect. Malek. Now he's up to something, and I don't like it. He's never around. If I'm in the chronoplast, he's not. If I'm on a boat, nowhere in sight. He's very sneaky. Not to mention scary. I'm putting him in the axis of evil. For now. Evil Kenievel is going on the axis of evil, but that's a no-brainer. But Dr. Evil? No, he makes me laugh, so he's out. So you see, Nosgoth, there's nothing to fear, everything's fine. You go out, and just keep trading, begging and investing in glyph power. Don't' listen to what the economists say. Why? Because they're like math. And math is very much a part of the axis of evil.
Kain: I'm really ripping that man a new one, once I meet him.
Corey: You think this was a Bush joke?
Kain: YEAH! It's a SNL ripoff!
Corey: They ripped Bush off?
Kain: Hell yeah!
They find the fuked up Oroborhoboroschkowhatever chamber, and kill soldiers, then examines the bigass doorlock.
Kain: Okay, why are they making such a bigass lock?
Corey: So your dumb self could actually find the key.
(ladies and gentlemen, it has just come to my attention, that I threw Corey down the river, so he's now going sailing again)
Corey: Damn you, Conceeeeeeeeeeeept.........
Kain: Finally free of the bastard!
He works his way round the fortress, eventually finding the chamber with Moebius in it.
Moebius: Yes....I understand....it will be done....the stage is set.
Woman's voice: Can I get the milk now, then?
Moebius: I wasn't talking to you.
Kain: Not only is he a pervert, he's a schizophrenic pervert.
Moebius: You needn't linger in the shadows, Kain.
Kain: I wasn't. I was standing in front of you, kicking you in the face.
Moebius: Oh yeah. Ouch! It has been a long time, hasn't it?
Kain: No banter, Bush- I mean, Moebius, you know why I'm here.
Moebius: Yes, Raziel.
Kain: WRONG! I'm here to talk to you about that little speech you gave.
Moebius: Shouldn't we just get on with the plot?
Kain: NO!
Moebius: You sought to introduce your own pawn into this game, and now he's been swept from the board.
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THE CHESS PARALLELS! Where is he?
Moebius: Perhaps you should ask......when. How humiliating it must be for you to come begging at my doorstep.
Kain: God-damn Morpheus-ripoff!
He steps forward, and Moebius uses the staff to immobilize him.
Moebius: DON'T threaten me, Kain.
The reaver falls out of Kain's hand, and lands a few inches from him.
Moebius: You see, I have the upper hand.
Kain: I know you have a hand. It's huge as hell.
Moebius: Shut up. How remarkable, that the great Kain should succumb to the scepter's power like any common vampire.
Kain: Cram it, you bald loser, I'm not mediocre like them.
Moebius: Still so arrogant after all these years, thinking you've derived some brilliant plan. You know nothing. You have read the signs, but misread their meaning.
Kain: No, you have!
Moebius: No, you have. You believe you are that myth of Vampire prophecy, the Scion of Balance, and that Raziel holds the key to fulfilling your destiny. But your messianic delusions have blinded you to Raziel's true nature. You have no idea what you've unleashed.
Kain: Unless it's a new Justin Timberlake, I'm not worried. Moebius: There was a time when you might have heeded wise counsel when it was offered. Now, your vanity has made you witless. You will have to learn the truth for yourself.
He pushes the reaver towards Kain.
Moebius: You'll be needing this. Your strength will return after I have departed. But by then, you will have more urgent concerns than pursuing me. Perhaps, when we next meet, you will have learned a little humility.
Moebius leaves, and seals the door with some bigass key.
Kain: Now if only I could find some bigass key. Oh wait, there's one at the door! Silly me.
Some shades slap him around.
Kain: Ouch!
He kills them.
**************************************************************************** ********** Now, give me 5 reviews! Not 3 like last time, damnit!