Author's note: No, I don't own HM. Natsume does. End of note.
The Chronicles of Farmerman:
Episode 2: The Origins of Farmerman. (Part two)
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.
(Click)
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.
(Click)
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, into a spring, where a certain young man by the name of Jack has fallen into the spring and is half-drowned.
(Click)
Narrator: STOP!
(Camera moves in through the clouds. We see a familiar young man, clad in his trademark cap and overalls, currently sinking rapidly into what seems to be the bottomless depths of the spring.)
Jack: Glub glub. (Translation: this can't be happening to me! I just came here, and I'm to young and pretty to die! Not to mention I'm still hungry! Is there food in heaven? Will the dog still be there?)
(Suddenly, there is a flash of light and-)
Harvest Goddess: (looking down at jack, who by now has turned blue) you know, Jack, you're the first person to give yourself as an offering to me.
Jack: (turning purple) Glub.
Harvest Goddess: New to this place? You know, Mineral Town is going to go through a series of dark times soon…and I don't think that Harris can handle it alone. A fresh face…hmm. Could I interest you in becoming the protector of Mineral Town?
Jack: Glub.
Harvest Goddess: I'll take that as a yes. (Hands Jack a costume. It is green, with a turnip emblazoned on the front, complete with cape) now put this on under your clothes. You'll have to find someplace to hide while ripping off your clothes in the approved superhero fashion, though.
Jack: (shakes head while turning black) Glub glub glub. Glub glub.
Harvest Goddess: don't be embarrassed, I made you. You were born in a car, and the kids called you omelet-face when you were in school because you were so ugly then. Odd how you turned out nice now. Your father isn't your real father, but instead some mysterious, tall, dark man whom your mother had a one-night stand with. You have a fetish for girls in blue dresses, and your exact "Size" is-
Jack: GLUB GLUB! (Nods head rapidly and feebly tries to put on costume)
Harvest Goddess: there's a good boy. All right, now it's time to give you your too-(Notices Jack hanging limply in the water) oh shoot.
(Camera goes dark. Insert sounds of heavy breathing.)
(Camera stays dark for a while, then shows a slit of light which widens rapidly, as though Jack's eyes are being opened. The blurred image gradually comes into focus and assembles itself into the face of Elli.)
Elli: (cheerfully) you're finally awake? How do you feel?
Jack: glub. (Throws up some water onto Elli's apron) am I in heaven, and are you an angel? (Promptly collapses again)
Elli: (Speechless as she is unsure as to be angry or flattered)
Narrator: in order to discern why Jack said that, we will have to take a peek into his subconscious.
(Scene changes to a pink room. We see four clones of Jack, all wearing different colours arguing.)
Logic: all right. Who made us throw up right then onto that nurse's apron! There will surely be great repercussions for us!
Emotion: (Fidgeting uncomfortably) it wasn't me. I think it was an automatic reflex action.
Lust: but I did try to salvage the situation by way of a compliment.
Caution: we're doomed. I know it. She's probably gonna give us a good tight slap or something.
(Scene changes back to the clinic. The Doctor is standing by Jack. Jack groans and tries to sit up.)
Doctor: ah, you're awake…again. I'm the local doctor. You must be Jack, the new guy at the farm. (Extends hand)
Jack: (weakly) news travels fast, doesn't it? (Shakes hand limply and tries to stand up)
Doctor: I'm not really sure you should be standing up now…I found you floating face down in the spring, and brought you back here. How anyone can nearly drown in water less than a foot deep is a mystery to me, though.
Jack: it's ok. What's your name? (Gets to his feet)
Doctor: doctor.
Jack: (raises eyebrow) no, really.
Doctor: (sighs and pulls out birth certificate) yes, really. (Points) see? Doctor Tim Doctor.
Jack: (Speechless)
Doctor: yes. I know. Long-range career planning. Don't worry, once the initial shock wears off, you'll be fine.
Jack: you know, I had a near-death experience just now
Doctor: hmm? You might want to speak to Carter, the local priest about religious matters…but I'm all ears. Go on.
Jack: I had this vision that I was being escorted to heaven by an angel! They wear blue dresses with aprons and yellow ribbons!
Doctor: (chuckles) Elli? Oh, I think she's pretty upset you threw up muddy water all over her clothing.
Jack: (sullenly) …oh.
Doctor: well, since you wish to leave, I won't stop you. Your rucksack is in the corner with your tools.
Jack: oh-kay…(grabs his stuff and runs out of the door)
(Inside Jack's subconscious)
Lust: (is being restrained by the other three) NOOO! LET ME GET BACK!!!!
Caution: (gives lust a solid whack) I have no interest in having physical bodily harm being inflicted upon us.
Lust: but…blue dresses and an apron! AAAAA!
Logic: (grimacing) hold him till we get out of the vicinity.
(Scene changes to Jack walking the streets of Mineral Town.)
Jack: (to self) well, I should get myself introduced to the locals. (Looks up) Church of the Harvest Goddess. (Hazily remembers his conversation with the Harvest Goddess and the Doctor's advice) well, can't hurt.
(Camera follows Jack as he walks over and pushes open the door. As the door opens, camera swings to show the church that all players of BTN and FOMT know, except that one of the murals has been pushed back to reveal a gigantic game console. Carter, May and Stu and sitting in front of it.)
Stu: (ramming on control pad) ha! My Gotz can beat your Jeff any day with Great Amazing Super Golden Lumber!
May: well, your Gotz is no match for my Karen's Ultra Hyper Movie-Star Hot Bod!
Stu: well, no one can beat my Sis' special move: Irresistible Warm Loving Cute Goody-Two Shoes Attraction!
Carter: (Grinning evilly) well. All are no match for…Carter's (insert long string of superlatives here) Confessional PMS!
May: aww man…
Stu: that move is cheap.
Carter: well, (Turns around and notices Jack) oh. Hello, you 're a new face around these parts.
May and Stu: hi mister!
Jack: um…I'm Jack, the new guy at the farm. You must be Carter. The Doctor told me about you.
Carter: yes. I'm pleased to finally meet you. Come for confession any time you wish.
May: (tugging at Carter's robe) can we get back to playing Mineral Town fighters?
Jack: may I see?
(Stu hands over the CD)
Jack: (Reads aloud) Mineral Town fighters. Pit your favourite residents against others in this free-for-all deathmatch, with amazing special moves and combos. Not for children under 13. Produced Won interactive studios.
Carter: …
Stu: we have Mineral Town go-kart, Mineral Town tea party, Mineral Town accountancy…
May: want to play Mr Jack? You seem like the animal I saw trying to eat a tree yesterday, you know.
Jack: um…no thanks…you go on. (Walks to the other side of the room, where Cliff is sitting down)
Cliff: (looking up) …………
Jack: (extends hand) um…hi, I'm Jack. I just moved in yesterday.
Cliff: (Shakes hand) …………
Jack: not very chatty, are we?
Cliff: …………
(Jack notices a zipper running down Cliff's back, and unzips. The costume falls back to reveal Felix From Golden Sun.)
Felix: … (Gathers up costume and puts it back on. Carter, May and Stu are engrossed in their game and don't notice anything)
(Jack backs away slowly, and once he's out of the door, he runs away like a maniac.)
Narrator: and that's why Cliff doesn't speak much. And now for an advertisement from our sponsors…
(The scene changes to the pier on Mineral Beach. Jack and Elli are sitting on the beach, fishing.)
Elli: (looking worried) gee, Jack, we've been sitting here all day and not even a nibble…
Jack: That's all right, because…(produces a picnic basket from nowhere) your grandmother packed us a whole basket of…(insert dramatic sound here) Mineral Grain Bars!
Elli: (taking the basket from Jack and rifling through it) they're all so delicious and come in so many flavours! Chocolate, Wild Grape, X-Mayo, Turbojolt, and my favourite, Hot Milk!
(The two of them set aside their fishing rods and begin to munch on the grain bars)
Jack: if only we could convince not only Mineral Town, but the whole world, to go on a spate of crass consumerism and buy all the Mineral Grain Bars they could!
(The camera shifts upwards, where we see an airship floating above the two of them)
Dr. Doctor: (looking down through binoculars) Bwahahaha! Zese fools, leetle do zey know zat in few moments, zeir tasty Mineral Grain Bars vill be mine! Zen, I vill use zier yumminkness zo be bribink researchers zo zell be bio weapons of mass dezstuction! Zen, I, Dr. Doktor vill rule ze vorld! Not only beink dat, but Elli vill alzo rezent zat Jack for losink ze tasty Mineral Grain Bars! Bwahahaha!
(Scene changes back to Elli and Jack, still munching on the seemingly infinite supply of Grain Bars)
Jack: you know, I could keep eating these forever!
(In the background, a sinister-looking hook latches itself onto the picnic basket, and the picnic basket starts to rise.)
Elli: (happily) yes! I could do with-(reaches out for the picnic basket, realises it isn't there, and looks up) (screams) it's Dr. Doctor! (Faints)
Jack: Elli! (Scoops her up and runs behind Zack's house) this is a job for…Farmerman!
(Insert dramatic music, followed by green flashes of light)
Jack: (now as Farmerman) unhand those yummy Mineral Grain Bars, Dr. Doctor, or feel the wrath of agricultural produce!
Dr. Doctor: (panicking) oh no! how can ze Varmerman be comink zere zo zoon?
Jack: no? Then…CUCUMBER HURL!
(Jack hurls a cucumber at the airship with amazing aim. The airship Suffers a gash and spirals away into the distance. The picnic basket of Mineral Grain Bars lands on the beach, amazingly unharmed.)
Dr. Doctor: I vill get zoo vor zees, Varmermaaaaaaaaaaaan! (Vanishes into the distance)
Mysterious Voice: Mineral Grain Bars. Not just the choice of farmers all over, but your choice, too!
Narrator: ok, commercial break over! Back to Jack!
(Scene changes back to Jack, who is about to start tilling his fields.)
Jack: (looking at farm map) one whole day, and I only manage to clear ten percent of the whole field? Oh well…(raises hoe)
Narrator: now the fun begins.
Jack: that's odd…why does the hoe feel so heavy? (Bends backwards) it's pulling me back…(snaps forward) YAAAH!
(Basically, the whole field literally explodes. Weeds, moles, coin bags, and stone fragments rain down.)
Harvest Goddess: (from behind Jack) you know, you should really be careful with that Hoe of Destruction I gave you.
Jack: (staring in shock) gah….
Harvest Goddess: and no, it won't work on the Dog. By the way, you left your costume back in the spring. Don't be so careless. Bye now. (Vanishes, leaving the neatly folded costume on the ground.)
Jack: (finally gathering up his wits) I can't believe it…I'm actually a superhero! Woo-hoo! (Holds up Hoe Of Destruction and poses) from now on, I, Jack, last name unknown, will assume the secret identity of Farmerman, given to me by the Harvest goddess, and protect the residents of Mineral Town from the forces of evil!
Dog: (comes over and licks Jack's leg) Arf! Arf!
Jack: (looking down at the Dog) all right, you can be my sidekick.
(Camera fades out)
Narrator: and so thus was the start of Farmerman, the Guardian of Mineral Town! Enough with the formalities, let's pull out the gags!
Ok, so that was weird and perhaps a little cheesy…and yes, Dr. Doctor will be a villain, but not the first. (Guess who?) Jack will meet the other residents of Mineral Town in the next few episodes. Um… that's it. Don't flame me please.
The Chronicles of Farmerman:
Episode 2: The Origins of Farmerman. (Part two)
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.
(Click)
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.
(Click)
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, into a spring, where a certain young man by the name of Jack has fallen into the spring and is half-drowned.
(Click)
Narrator: STOP!
(Camera moves in through the clouds. We see a familiar young man, clad in his trademark cap and overalls, currently sinking rapidly into what seems to be the bottomless depths of the spring.)
Jack: Glub glub. (Translation: this can't be happening to me! I just came here, and I'm to young and pretty to die! Not to mention I'm still hungry! Is there food in heaven? Will the dog still be there?)
(Suddenly, there is a flash of light and-)
Harvest Goddess: (looking down at jack, who by now has turned blue) you know, Jack, you're the first person to give yourself as an offering to me.
Jack: (turning purple) Glub.
Harvest Goddess: New to this place? You know, Mineral Town is going to go through a series of dark times soon…and I don't think that Harris can handle it alone. A fresh face…hmm. Could I interest you in becoming the protector of Mineral Town?
Jack: Glub.
Harvest Goddess: I'll take that as a yes. (Hands Jack a costume. It is green, with a turnip emblazoned on the front, complete with cape) now put this on under your clothes. You'll have to find someplace to hide while ripping off your clothes in the approved superhero fashion, though.
Jack: (shakes head while turning black) Glub glub glub. Glub glub.
Harvest Goddess: don't be embarrassed, I made you. You were born in a car, and the kids called you omelet-face when you were in school because you were so ugly then. Odd how you turned out nice now. Your father isn't your real father, but instead some mysterious, tall, dark man whom your mother had a one-night stand with. You have a fetish for girls in blue dresses, and your exact "Size" is-
Jack: GLUB GLUB! (Nods head rapidly and feebly tries to put on costume)
Harvest Goddess: there's a good boy. All right, now it's time to give you your too-(Notices Jack hanging limply in the water) oh shoot.
(Camera goes dark. Insert sounds of heavy breathing.)
(Camera stays dark for a while, then shows a slit of light which widens rapidly, as though Jack's eyes are being opened. The blurred image gradually comes into focus and assembles itself into the face of Elli.)
Elli: (cheerfully) you're finally awake? How do you feel?
Jack: glub. (Throws up some water onto Elli's apron) am I in heaven, and are you an angel? (Promptly collapses again)
Elli: (Speechless as she is unsure as to be angry or flattered)
Narrator: in order to discern why Jack said that, we will have to take a peek into his subconscious.
(Scene changes to a pink room. We see four clones of Jack, all wearing different colours arguing.)
Logic: all right. Who made us throw up right then onto that nurse's apron! There will surely be great repercussions for us!
Emotion: (Fidgeting uncomfortably) it wasn't me. I think it was an automatic reflex action.
Lust: but I did try to salvage the situation by way of a compliment.
Caution: we're doomed. I know it. She's probably gonna give us a good tight slap or something.
(Scene changes back to the clinic. The Doctor is standing by Jack. Jack groans and tries to sit up.)
Doctor: ah, you're awake…again. I'm the local doctor. You must be Jack, the new guy at the farm. (Extends hand)
Jack: (weakly) news travels fast, doesn't it? (Shakes hand limply and tries to stand up)
Doctor: I'm not really sure you should be standing up now…I found you floating face down in the spring, and brought you back here. How anyone can nearly drown in water less than a foot deep is a mystery to me, though.
Jack: it's ok. What's your name? (Gets to his feet)
Doctor: doctor.
Jack: (raises eyebrow) no, really.
Doctor: (sighs and pulls out birth certificate) yes, really. (Points) see? Doctor Tim Doctor.
Jack: (Speechless)
Doctor: yes. I know. Long-range career planning. Don't worry, once the initial shock wears off, you'll be fine.
Jack: you know, I had a near-death experience just now
Doctor: hmm? You might want to speak to Carter, the local priest about religious matters…but I'm all ears. Go on.
Jack: I had this vision that I was being escorted to heaven by an angel! They wear blue dresses with aprons and yellow ribbons!
Doctor: (chuckles) Elli? Oh, I think she's pretty upset you threw up muddy water all over her clothing.
Jack: (sullenly) …oh.
Doctor: well, since you wish to leave, I won't stop you. Your rucksack is in the corner with your tools.
Jack: oh-kay…(grabs his stuff and runs out of the door)
(Inside Jack's subconscious)
Lust: (is being restrained by the other three) NOOO! LET ME GET BACK!!!!
Caution: (gives lust a solid whack) I have no interest in having physical bodily harm being inflicted upon us.
Lust: but…blue dresses and an apron! AAAAA!
Logic: (grimacing) hold him till we get out of the vicinity.
(Scene changes to Jack walking the streets of Mineral Town.)
Jack: (to self) well, I should get myself introduced to the locals. (Looks up) Church of the Harvest Goddess. (Hazily remembers his conversation with the Harvest Goddess and the Doctor's advice) well, can't hurt.
(Camera follows Jack as he walks over and pushes open the door. As the door opens, camera swings to show the church that all players of BTN and FOMT know, except that one of the murals has been pushed back to reveal a gigantic game console. Carter, May and Stu and sitting in front of it.)
Stu: (ramming on control pad) ha! My Gotz can beat your Jeff any day with Great Amazing Super Golden Lumber!
May: well, your Gotz is no match for my Karen's Ultra Hyper Movie-Star Hot Bod!
Stu: well, no one can beat my Sis' special move: Irresistible Warm Loving Cute Goody-Two Shoes Attraction!
Carter: (Grinning evilly) well. All are no match for…Carter's (insert long string of superlatives here) Confessional PMS!
May: aww man…
Stu: that move is cheap.
Carter: well, (Turns around and notices Jack) oh. Hello, you 're a new face around these parts.
May and Stu: hi mister!
Jack: um…I'm Jack, the new guy at the farm. You must be Carter. The Doctor told me about you.
Carter: yes. I'm pleased to finally meet you. Come for confession any time you wish.
May: (tugging at Carter's robe) can we get back to playing Mineral Town fighters?
Jack: may I see?
(Stu hands over the CD)
Jack: (Reads aloud) Mineral Town fighters. Pit your favourite residents against others in this free-for-all deathmatch, with amazing special moves and combos. Not for children under 13. Produced Won interactive studios.
Carter: …
Stu: we have Mineral Town go-kart, Mineral Town tea party, Mineral Town accountancy…
May: want to play Mr Jack? You seem like the animal I saw trying to eat a tree yesterday, you know.
Jack: um…no thanks…you go on. (Walks to the other side of the room, where Cliff is sitting down)
Cliff: (looking up) …………
Jack: (extends hand) um…hi, I'm Jack. I just moved in yesterday.
Cliff: (Shakes hand) …………
Jack: not very chatty, are we?
Cliff: …………
(Jack notices a zipper running down Cliff's back, and unzips. The costume falls back to reveal Felix From Golden Sun.)
Felix: … (Gathers up costume and puts it back on. Carter, May and Stu are engrossed in their game and don't notice anything)
(Jack backs away slowly, and once he's out of the door, he runs away like a maniac.)
Narrator: and that's why Cliff doesn't speak much. And now for an advertisement from our sponsors…
(The scene changes to the pier on Mineral Beach. Jack and Elli are sitting on the beach, fishing.)
Elli: (looking worried) gee, Jack, we've been sitting here all day and not even a nibble…
Jack: That's all right, because…(produces a picnic basket from nowhere) your grandmother packed us a whole basket of…(insert dramatic sound here) Mineral Grain Bars!
Elli: (taking the basket from Jack and rifling through it) they're all so delicious and come in so many flavours! Chocolate, Wild Grape, X-Mayo, Turbojolt, and my favourite, Hot Milk!
(The two of them set aside their fishing rods and begin to munch on the grain bars)
Jack: if only we could convince not only Mineral Town, but the whole world, to go on a spate of crass consumerism and buy all the Mineral Grain Bars they could!
(The camera shifts upwards, where we see an airship floating above the two of them)
Dr. Doctor: (looking down through binoculars) Bwahahaha! Zese fools, leetle do zey know zat in few moments, zeir tasty Mineral Grain Bars vill be mine! Zen, I vill use zier yumminkness zo be bribink researchers zo zell be bio weapons of mass dezstuction! Zen, I, Dr. Doktor vill rule ze vorld! Not only beink dat, but Elli vill alzo rezent zat Jack for losink ze tasty Mineral Grain Bars! Bwahahaha!
(Scene changes back to Elli and Jack, still munching on the seemingly infinite supply of Grain Bars)
Jack: you know, I could keep eating these forever!
(In the background, a sinister-looking hook latches itself onto the picnic basket, and the picnic basket starts to rise.)
Elli: (happily) yes! I could do with-(reaches out for the picnic basket, realises it isn't there, and looks up) (screams) it's Dr. Doctor! (Faints)
Jack: Elli! (Scoops her up and runs behind Zack's house) this is a job for…Farmerman!
(Insert dramatic music, followed by green flashes of light)
Jack: (now as Farmerman) unhand those yummy Mineral Grain Bars, Dr. Doctor, or feel the wrath of agricultural produce!
Dr. Doctor: (panicking) oh no! how can ze Varmerman be comink zere zo zoon?
Jack: no? Then…CUCUMBER HURL!
(Jack hurls a cucumber at the airship with amazing aim. The airship Suffers a gash and spirals away into the distance. The picnic basket of Mineral Grain Bars lands on the beach, amazingly unharmed.)
Dr. Doctor: I vill get zoo vor zees, Varmermaaaaaaaaaaaan! (Vanishes into the distance)
Mysterious Voice: Mineral Grain Bars. Not just the choice of farmers all over, but your choice, too!
Narrator: ok, commercial break over! Back to Jack!
(Scene changes back to Jack, who is about to start tilling his fields.)
Jack: (looking at farm map) one whole day, and I only manage to clear ten percent of the whole field? Oh well…(raises hoe)
Narrator: now the fun begins.
Jack: that's odd…why does the hoe feel so heavy? (Bends backwards) it's pulling me back…(snaps forward) YAAAH!
(Basically, the whole field literally explodes. Weeds, moles, coin bags, and stone fragments rain down.)
Harvest Goddess: (from behind Jack) you know, you should really be careful with that Hoe of Destruction I gave you.
Jack: (staring in shock) gah….
Harvest Goddess: and no, it won't work on the Dog. By the way, you left your costume back in the spring. Don't be so careless. Bye now. (Vanishes, leaving the neatly folded costume on the ground.)
Jack: (finally gathering up his wits) I can't believe it…I'm actually a superhero! Woo-hoo! (Holds up Hoe Of Destruction and poses) from now on, I, Jack, last name unknown, will assume the secret identity of Farmerman, given to me by the Harvest goddess, and protect the residents of Mineral Town from the forces of evil!
Dog: (comes over and licks Jack's leg) Arf! Arf!
Jack: (looking down at the Dog) all right, you can be my sidekick.
(Camera fades out)
Narrator: and so thus was the start of Farmerman, the Guardian of Mineral Town! Enough with the formalities, let's pull out the gags!
Ok, so that was weird and perhaps a little cheesy…and yes, Dr. Doctor will be a villain, but not the first. (Guess who?) Jack will meet the other residents of Mineral Town in the next few episodes. Um… that's it. Don't flame me please.