Kudos
Kainsvampire: Did you recognise it? If you watch Saturday Night Live, you should be able to.
DarkJakLuverandTora: Evil things, eh? I eat those for breakfast! Oh wait.........
Ratface: But you've only read some of my stories........
Angel-chan: HAH! Beat you to the punch!
Omega: It's "Hypocrite". And no, I'm not offended. I haven't even listened to them so far, so it didn't matter.
Mortalsora: Got the math part right!
Warewulf: First off, yes, I was the one who wrote the Predator/Kain thing. Corey is an original character, who has been included somehow since my first story, "The Exorcist, Oh wait a minute".
Mikoto: I still say Kain is cooler.
HOLY SHIT! 14 reviews! For those of you I haven't responded to, sorry, but hey, how would you reply to something like "Funny as HELL! XD Lmfao!"?
Also, you might want to not read this chapter, if you're easily disgusted. This chapter is kind of bad...............
Raziel is lying in front of the Elder God, on his back.
Elder God: Surrender, Raziel. Abandon this petty rebellion.-
Raziel: Zzzzzzzzzzzz
EG: WAKE UP!
Raziel: Zzz- WOAH! Easy there, Zack De La Roach!
EG: Don't insult me like that, Raziel. I don't have dreadlocks.
Raziel: No, you have tentacles instead.
EG: ENOUGH! It was I who made you.
Raziel: Never heard of the flower and the bees, huh?
EG: Shut up! Your life had played out, and in my grace, I spared you. You are my reaper of souls!
Raziel: (plays with a scythe)
EG: ENOUGH! (makes the scythe disappear)
Raziel: YOU MESSED WITH MA REAPER! RAAAAGH!!!
EG: Shut the hell up! God!
Raziel: Why did you call on yourself?
EG: Shut up, kindly.
Raziel: You know, that's a very nice jacket you're wearing.
EG: (not realizing he doesn't have a jacket) Oh. Thank you.
Raziel: Where did you get it?
EG: This place called Stern's.
Raziel: Well, I'm gonna have to check it out sometime.
EG: You should. Ask for Gary, and tell him I sent you.
Raziel: I'll be sure to do that. It sure is a nice jacket. One more question.
EG: What is it, Raziel?
Raziel: Do they make them for men?
EG: DAMN YOU, RAZIEL! SHUT THE HELL UP! Besides, you're the one without balls here.
Raziel: yeah, you still have your testicles- I mean, tentacles.
EG: ENOUGH WITH THE TENTACLE JOKES!
Raziel: So tell me, must I listen to your babble for the rest of the day?
EG: You have no higher purpose than this. You have no higher destiny – only this.
Raziel: Just go to Jerry Springers, for God's sake! Hey, I said your name again!
EG: RAAAAGH!!!
A phone rings. The Elder snatches it with one of his testicl- TENTACLES!
EG: DAMNIT! Hello? Oh, hi. Raz, it's your mom.
Raz: I don't wanna talk to her!
EG: Accept your calling, Raziel. Let go of these vain hopes. Relinguish your will, and feed!
Raziel: I'm on the phone, bitch! (shoots the Elder)
EG: AOUW! Hey, how about calling for a pizza?
Raziel (exhausted): No.
EG: What do you profit from this DEFIANCE?
Raziel: A good dental plan, a badass bed, groupies, and other good things.
EG: I meant-
Raziel: Oh, who cares what you meant?
EG: Why are you so annoying?
Raz: Because you're cute when you're angry. Not that I'm interested in dating you.
EG: I'M NOT GAY!
Raziel: yeah, keep telling that to yourself.
EG: My patience is eternal, Raziel. How many eons can you bear to languish here?
Raziel: Longer than you can. I've been married.
EG: Well, in that case, I lose.
Raz: Yep.
EG: The Wheel of Fate must turn; all are redeemed in the cleansing agony of birth, death and rebirth. (straps Raziel to the Wheel Of Fortune, and spins him)
Raziel (spinning): OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! (pukes. This scene is kind of like the love scene in Scary Movie. Except it puke, instead of "milk". God, I really am a sick bastard, aren't I? Deal with it!)
EG: How do ya like them apples, Razzy? This is the engine of life - the purifying rhythm of the universe to which all souls are irresistibly drawn.
Raziel: Purifying? More like pukifying.
EG: That is awful!
Raziel: Can't deal with my personality, eh? Suck on it. Suck it long, and suck it hard!
EG: Yours is a necessary and noble function, Raziel.
Razzy: I don't' think you heard what I said........
EG: Obey your God!
Raziel: Enough of your sermonizing! Are you trying to bore me into submission? Why must this game go on? We both know what you are. You're no better than the vampires you so despise; a voracious parasite, cloaking it's appetite in a shroud of righteousness. I refuse to do your will.
EG: Look into my eyes...........
Raziel: (does so)
EG: I can see into your heart, Raziel.
Raz: As long as it's not done from anywhere else.
EG: It is not your will, but cowardice that keeps you here.
Raziel: How so?
EG: Oh, get a grip, man! You know what I'm talking about! You know what fate awaits you when you leave the underworld. That phantom weapon you bear is a constant reminder, isn't it? The sword is waiting for you out there somewhere, and you tarry so as not to meet it.
Raz: Tarry-?
EG: BWAHAHAH!
Raz: I could not deny it. As long as I lingered here, defying my captor, I was able to postpone what I feared was my inevitable doom; to become the ravenous spirit imprisoned in the Reaver blade. But that sentence was no worse than the stalemate I now endured. Better to face one's destiny than cower from it.
EG: Excellent! Now obey my orders!
Raz: Wha-? Did I say that out loud? WHO FUKED UP THE VOICEOVER MACHINE?!
EG: Vorador has been busy.
Raz: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard!
EG: Deal with it! Harvester of Souls, I created you. And to this function, my Angel of Death, you will return.
Raz: Angel Of Death? You've been listening to Slayer again, haven't you?
EG: Angel of Death, monarch to the kingdom of the dead........
Raz: Enough!
EG: If the souls good tastes a bit, you must submit.
Raz: Uhh, right. Sure.
EG: Very good. Indulge your hunger.
Raziel swallows the soul.
EG: Swallow it, Raz.
Raz: I bet you'd like that.
EG: Wha-? Oh, I asked for that one myself. Yes. Embrace your calling, Raziel. You will find that just as defiance has it's Price-
Raziel: 19.95 dollars in a cheap retail store!
EG: Shut up! So obedience has it's reward.
He "opens" a "door", so Raziel can get out.
Raziel: And defiance is not always what it seems! (runs away funnily)
EG: Wait, what did you mean by that? Come on, what did you mean?
Raziel comes to a cliff with a mist below.
Raziel: Wow, Soul Reaver 1 flashback! Below me swirled an ominous looking mist. I knew that if I fell, it would mean my peril, even though I can't die.
The Elder blocks the exit with his tentacles.
EG: I was gonna let you get away easily, but then you said that thing you said, so I got confused.
Raz: What's wrong with you?!
EG: Eat soul! (slams Raziel with souls)
Raz: OW!
EG: Do you think your worthiness is so easily proved? Your way is sealed until you have proved further obedience.
Raz: As long as I'm not supposed to be your prison bitch, I'm cool with it. I guess I must feed you, before I depart this place.
EG: You must feed yourself, Raziel.
Raz: Yeah, right! The wheel must turn, remember?
EG: Ah – now you understand.
Raz (thinking to himself): Man, is he dense? I'm janking his chain! Of course I disagree with that twisted philosophy of his! Screw this! (consumes the souls)
EG: You may go. But remember, you are MINE!
Raz: Ew........
EG: I'm not gay, damnit! You can no more escape from me, than you can escape yourself.
Raziel (muttering under his breath): Yeah, we'll see about that!
In the next room, the door is once again testicled- I MEAN, TENTACLED!
EG: I give up!
Sluaghs appear.
Raz: You want this room cleared of it's vermin.
EG: Only because they stole ma porn stash!
Raz (shocked): Elder God..... pr0n.....horrible mental image......Mind shuts down! (turns into goo)
EG: whoops! Shouldn't have said that. (re-does time.)
Raz: You want this room cleared of it's vermin.
EG: Yeah.......... If you wish to leave it.
Raz (SARCASTICALLY, DAMNIT!): Your will be done.
EG (not getting the sarcasm) (dumbass): My good servant.
Raziel beats up the sluaghs, with the reaver, and his UBER-SUCKY ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS (!). The Elder opens.
EG: You see? Obediance brins promt rewards.
Raz: I'm beginning to feel like Tony Blair here.
In the next room, Raziel is appearently trying to sneak away, but the Elder speaks.
EG: Where do you think yer bitch-arse is going, little soul?
Raz: What's with the ghetto-lingo?
EG: shut up!
The mist starts to rise. Raziel runs for the top, but due to the camera having UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF ANNOYANCE, WHEN YOU'RE NEW TO THIS GAME (!). God!
EG: You were calling?
Shut up!
EG: You can't escape!
Raz: We'll see about that!
EG: Raziel.........
Raz: Yeah?
He doesn't say anything.
Raz: Annoying bastard.
EG: Clever Raziel, clever indeed.
Raz: That you're annoying? Got that right.
EG: I've endured your game long enough!
Raz: Then get another contract, Tony. I don't care, that you've been with us since the beginning, we're getting sick of your complaints!
EG: Uhh, it's just part of the script.......
Raz: Oh yeah.
He gets out of the cave, by doing some fancy Matrix moves on a nearby cliff.
EG: NO! (busts the cave)
Raziel: Hey, he can't get out! HAH! I got out anyway, you old fart! Clearly my escape had not been anticipated, since he flipped out so much about it. I swear, he obsesses over me! It's quite disturbing. Well, I managed to piss him off a little, so that's a victory. Now, let me just get out of here. How about..... No..... Ouch! There's a stone in my shoe!
?: But you don't' have shoes!
Raz: Ed?
Ed: BOOYAH!
Raz: Do I have to deal with you?
Ed: No, I'll be going again, I just had to make that little smartass comment.
Raz: Riiiiiiiiight.
Ed disappears. Raz find an opening with water.
Raz: In spectral realm, you can't swim. Simple as that. Which means I won't be able to get up there yet. (talking to the opening way up.) Oh well. I'll see you again, once I get into material.......
He finds a closed door.
Raz: From my spectral position, I'm able to conduct, that there's supposed to be an artifact there, if I want to get through there. I'm so smart.
He moves on, and finds a spectral conduict. He moves towards it.
EG: Did you think you'd receive the same favours after your rebellion as before? No, Raziel, I have no need for a- hey, where did he go?
Raz (In the material realm): He'd get a lot more stuff done, if he didn't talk so much.
He gets out in the outside area. Then for fun, he switches to spectral. Dumbass.
Raz: wraiths! CRAP!
So! 5 reviews once again! After all, it's the first Defiance parody.
Kainsvampire: Did you recognise it? If you watch Saturday Night Live, you should be able to.
DarkJakLuverandTora: Evil things, eh? I eat those for breakfast! Oh wait.........
Ratface: But you've only read some of my stories........
Angel-chan: HAH! Beat you to the punch!
Omega: It's "Hypocrite". And no, I'm not offended. I haven't even listened to them so far, so it didn't matter.
Mortalsora: Got the math part right!
Warewulf: First off, yes, I was the one who wrote the Predator/Kain thing. Corey is an original character, who has been included somehow since my first story, "The Exorcist, Oh wait a minute".
Mikoto: I still say Kain is cooler.
HOLY SHIT! 14 reviews! For those of you I haven't responded to, sorry, but hey, how would you reply to something like "Funny as HELL! XD Lmfao!"?
Also, you might want to not read this chapter, if you're easily disgusted. This chapter is kind of bad...............
Raziel is lying in front of the Elder God, on his back.
Elder God: Surrender, Raziel. Abandon this petty rebellion.-
Raziel: Zzzzzzzzzzzz
EG: WAKE UP!
Raziel: Zzz- WOAH! Easy there, Zack De La Roach!
EG: Don't insult me like that, Raziel. I don't have dreadlocks.
Raziel: No, you have tentacles instead.
EG: ENOUGH! It was I who made you.
Raziel: Never heard of the flower and the bees, huh?
EG: Shut up! Your life had played out, and in my grace, I spared you. You are my reaper of souls!
Raziel: (plays with a scythe)
EG: ENOUGH! (makes the scythe disappear)
Raziel: YOU MESSED WITH MA REAPER! RAAAAGH!!!
EG: Shut the hell up! God!
Raziel: Why did you call on yourself?
EG: Shut up, kindly.
Raziel: You know, that's a very nice jacket you're wearing.
EG: (not realizing he doesn't have a jacket) Oh. Thank you.
Raziel: Where did you get it?
EG: This place called Stern's.
Raziel: Well, I'm gonna have to check it out sometime.
EG: You should. Ask for Gary, and tell him I sent you.
Raziel: I'll be sure to do that. It sure is a nice jacket. One more question.
EG: What is it, Raziel?
Raziel: Do they make them for men?
EG: DAMN YOU, RAZIEL! SHUT THE HELL UP! Besides, you're the one without balls here.
Raziel: yeah, you still have your testicles- I mean, tentacles.
EG: ENOUGH WITH THE TENTACLE JOKES!
Raziel: So tell me, must I listen to your babble for the rest of the day?
EG: You have no higher purpose than this. You have no higher destiny – only this.
Raziel: Just go to Jerry Springers, for God's sake! Hey, I said your name again!
EG: RAAAAGH!!!
A phone rings. The Elder snatches it with one of his testicl- TENTACLES!
EG: DAMNIT! Hello? Oh, hi. Raz, it's your mom.
Raz: I don't wanna talk to her!
EG: Accept your calling, Raziel. Let go of these vain hopes. Relinguish your will, and feed!
Raziel: I'm on the phone, bitch! (shoots the Elder)
EG: AOUW! Hey, how about calling for a pizza?
Raziel (exhausted): No.
EG: What do you profit from this DEFIANCE?
Raziel: A good dental plan, a badass bed, groupies, and other good things.
EG: I meant-
Raziel: Oh, who cares what you meant?
EG: Why are you so annoying?
Raz: Because you're cute when you're angry. Not that I'm interested in dating you.
EG: I'M NOT GAY!
Raziel: yeah, keep telling that to yourself.
EG: My patience is eternal, Raziel. How many eons can you bear to languish here?
Raziel: Longer than you can. I've been married.
EG: Well, in that case, I lose.
Raz: Yep.
EG: The Wheel of Fate must turn; all are redeemed in the cleansing agony of birth, death and rebirth. (straps Raziel to the Wheel Of Fortune, and spins him)
Raziel (spinning): OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! (pukes. This scene is kind of like the love scene in Scary Movie. Except it puke, instead of "milk". God, I really am a sick bastard, aren't I? Deal with it!)
EG: How do ya like them apples, Razzy? This is the engine of life - the purifying rhythm of the universe to which all souls are irresistibly drawn.
Raziel: Purifying? More like pukifying.
EG: That is awful!
Raziel: Can't deal with my personality, eh? Suck on it. Suck it long, and suck it hard!
EG: Yours is a necessary and noble function, Raziel.
Razzy: I don't' think you heard what I said........
EG: Obey your God!
Raziel: Enough of your sermonizing! Are you trying to bore me into submission? Why must this game go on? We both know what you are. You're no better than the vampires you so despise; a voracious parasite, cloaking it's appetite in a shroud of righteousness. I refuse to do your will.
EG: Look into my eyes...........
Raziel: (does so)
EG: I can see into your heart, Raziel.
Raz: As long as it's not done from anywhere else.
EG: It is not your will, but cowardice that keeps you here.
Raziel: How so?
EG: Oh, get a grip, man! You know what I'm talking about! You know what fate awaits you when you leave the underworld. That phantom weapon you bear is a constant reminder, isn't it? The sword is waiting for you out there somewhere, and you tarry so as not to meet it.
Raz: Tarry-?
EG: BWAHAHAH!
Raz: I could not deny it. As long as I lingered here, defying my captor, I was able to postpone what I feared was my inevitable doom; to become the ravenous spirit imprisoned in the Reaver blade. But that sentence was no worse than the stalemate I now endured. Better to face one's destiny than cower from it.
EG: Excellent! Now obey my orders!
Raz: Wha-? Did I say that out loud? WHO FUKED UP THE VOICEOVER MACHINE?!
EG: Vorador has been busy.
Raz: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard!
EG: Deal with it! Harvester of Souls, I created you. And to this function, my Angel of Death, you will return.
Raz: Angel Of Death? You've been listening to Slayer again, haven't you?
EG: Angel of Death, monarch to the kingdom of the dead........
Raz: Enough!
EG: If the souls good tastes a bit, you must submit.
Raz: Uhh, right. Sure.
EG: Very good. Indulge your hunger.
Raziel swallows the soul.
EG: Swallow it, Raz.
Raz: I bet you'd like that.
EG: Wha-? Oh, I asked for that one myself. Yes. Embrace your calling, Raziel. You will find that just as defiance has it's Price-
Raziel: 19.95 dollars in a cheap retail store!
EG: Shut up! So obedience has it's reward.
He "opens" a "door", so Raziel can get out.
Raziel: And defiance is not always what it seems! (runs away funnily)
EG: Wait, what did you mean by that? Come on, what did you mean?
Raziel comes to a cliff with a mist below.
Raziel: Wow, Soul Reaver 1 flashback! Below me swirled an ominous looking mist. I knew that if I fell, it would mean my peril, even though I can't die.
The Elder blocks the exit with his tentacles.
EG: I was gonna let you get away easily, but then you said that thing you said, so I got confused.
Raz: What's wrong with you?!
EG: Eat soul! (slams Raziel with souls)
Raz: OW!
EG: Do you think your worthiness is so easily proved? Your way is sealed until you have proved further obedience.
Raz: As long as I'm not supposed to be your prison bitch, I'm cool with it. I guess I must feed you, before I depart this place.
EG: You must feed yourself, Raziel.
Raz: Yeah, right! The wheel must turn, remember?
EG: Ah – now you understand.
Raz (thinking to himself): Man, is he dense? I'm janking his chain! Of course I disagree with that twisted philosophy of his! Screw this! (consumes the souls)
EG: You may go. But remember, you are MINE!
Raz: Ew........
EG: I'm not gay, damnit! You can no more escape from me, than you can escape yourself.
Raziel (muttering under his breath): Yeah, we'll see about that!
In the next room, the door is once again testicled- I MEAN, TENTACLED!
EG: I give up!
Sluaghs appear.
Raz: You want this room cleared of it's vermin.
EG: Only because they stole ma porn stash!
Raz (shocked): Elder God..... pr0n.....horrible mental image......Mind shuts down! (turns into goo)
EG: whoops! Shouldn't have said that. (re-does time.)
Raz: You want this room cleared of it's vermin.
EG: Yeah.......... If you wish to leave it.
Raz (SARCASTICALLY, DAMNIT!): Your will be done.
EG (not getting the sarcasm) (dumbass): My good servant.
Raziel beats up the sluaghs, with the reaver, and his UBER-SUCKY ABILITIES OF TELEKINESIS (!). The Elder opens.
EG: You see? Obediance brins promt rewards.
Raz: I'm beginning to feel like Tony Blair here.
In the next room, Raziel is appearently trying to sneak away, but the Elder speaks.
EG: Where do you think yer bitch-arse is going, little soul?
Raz: What's with the ghetto-lingo?
EG: shut up!
The mist starts to rise. Raziel runs for the top, but due to the camera having UBER-POTENT ABILITIES OF ANNOYANCE, WHEN YOU'RE NEW TO THIS GAME (!). God!
EG: You were calling?
Shut up!
EG: You can't escape!
Raz: We'll see about that!
EG: Raziel.........
Raz: Yeah?
He doesn't say anything.
Raz: Annoying bastard.
EG: Clever Raziel, clever indeed.
Raz: That you're annoying? Got that right.
EG: I've endured your game long enough!
Raz: Then get another contract, Tony. I don't care, that you've been with us since the beginning, we're getting sick of your complaints!
EG: Uhh, it's just part of the script.......
Raz: Oh yeah.
He gets out of the cave, by doing some fancy Matrix moves on a nearby cliff.
EG: NO! (busts the cave)
Raziel: Hey, he can't get out! HAH! I got out anyway, you old fart! Clearly my escape had not been anticipated, since he flipped out so much about it. I swear, he obsesses over me! It's quite disturbing. Well, I managed to piss him off a little, so that's a victory. Now, let me just get out of here. How about..... No..... Ouch! There's a stone in my shoe!
?: But you don't' have shoes!
Raz: Ed?
Ed: BOOYAH!
Raz: Do I have to deal with you?
Ed: No, I'll be going again, I just had to make that little smartass comment.
Raz: Riiiiiiiiight.
Ed disappears. Raz find an opening with water.
Raz: In spectral realm, you can't swim. Simple as that. Which means I won't be able to get up there yet. (talking to the opening way up.) Oh well. I'll see you again, once I get into material.......
He finds a closed door.
Raz: From my spectral position, I'm able to conduct, that there's supposed to be an artifact there, if I want to get through there. I'm so smart.
He moves on, and finds a spectral conduict. He moves towards it.
EG: Did you think you'd receive the same favours after your rebellion as before? No, Raziel, I have no need for a- hey, where did he go?
Raz (In the material realm): He'd get a lot more stuff done, if he didn't talk so much.
He gets out in the outside area. Then for fun, he switches to spectral. Dumbass.
Raz: wraiths! CRAP!
So! 5 reviews once again! After all, it's the first Defiance parody.