Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING in this story! Okay?!
Kudos
Tomlette: Dinner's served! BOOYAH!
Mortalsora: Yep, he's badass.
HealerAriel: The camera is a general nuisance! I FREAKING HATE IT!
Abbil: Y'know, it really would be smarter to play the game first.
ShadesOfBlood: Well, Vorador's a pervy bastard, especially in these stories of mine.
Omega-boy: Yeah, consciences sucks!
Mikoto Zoku: I'm such a piss-taker!!!
A/N: Okay folks, I know it's been a while. School is mostly to blame. If you disregard my extreme laziness, of course. I have vacation now, you see, so I don't really wanna do anything, where I myself write. Nonetheless, here is a chapter for you. And in case anyone reports me to FF.net for something, that I don't know what could be, then listen to me, FF.net: Please tell me what I've done wrong, so I'll be warned before I do something like it again. And you really also should tell everybody else. It must be aggravating, to be banned, and not know the reason.
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So back in the stronghold. Kain has to defeat the shadowy creatures again. Despite killing them in the first chapter.
Kain: SONUVA-
They slap him around a bit.
Kain: Stop that!
They knock him down.
Kain: I hate you!!!!!!!!
He starts glowing.
Kain: Trance! Badass!!!!!!
Corey jumps out the nearby water. He slaps Kain in the head.
Corey: You're not a Final Fantasy character, dipshit!
Kain: Who you call 'dipshit'?!
He smacks Corey upwards with his sword, then jumps up, and smacks him down.
Corey: You'll pay for that! Hadoken!
Kain: You're not Black Mag-
BOOM!
Kain (soothed): .....................................Owchies! I'll cut you so you bleed!
Corey: Isn't that the whole point of cutting?
Kain: bite me!
Corey: I could say the same to you.
Kain: No vampire jokes, damnit!
Corey: But it's a vampire game!
Kain: Damnit!
Corey kicks him in the back of the head.
Kain (swinging his reaver around): I'll-
Vorador: "swinging his reaver around" sounds soooooooooo kinky!
Before Kain can do anything, two shades has grabbed Vorador's arms, and a third is pounding him.
Kain: Hey, that's pretty cool!
Corey: That'll teach him not to make perverted comments! Impressionable kids could be reading this (A/N: Despite the PG-13 rating!)!
Kain: Yeah!
He stabs Corey in the stomach, who consequentially kicks him in the spine. They continue fighting.
Shade 1 (done beating Vorador): Ohh, that's gotta hurt!
Shade 2 (this guy's done beating Vorador, too): Ooof, right in the nutsack!
Shade 1 (still done beating Vorador): Now he's beating him with the statue, that Moebius was talking to! Doesn't that count as blasphemy?
Shade 2 (now it's just getting stupid!): Who cares?
Shade 3 (No, this guy is still beating Vorador.): Y'know what I like about this fic? I like the blatant ripoffs, the stereotypic religious jokes, the stupid returning jokes, the gross jokes, and the lack of originality.
The other 2 shades look at him.
Shade 3 (Man, Vorador is being bashed so good right now!): I mean, the fact that he was the first to make a real Defiance parody?
Shade 1 (this guy is still not beating Vorador anymore): ..........Should we kill him?
Shade 2 (There's a severe lack of Vorador-beating from this guy, y'know): Not while the audience is watching.
Shade 3: Uh-oh. I better go. (guess what, people, you've been had. He stopped beating Vorador at the same time as the others. SUCKERS!)
The 3 shades look at Kain and Corey, who stand right in front of them, both very bloody.
Kain: ............
Corey: ...........
Shade 1 (I don't think this guy knows how to beat up Vorador): ............
Shade 2 (Maybe one should give them a hint on how to beat Vorador up): ..................
Shade 3 (Like I said, you had been fooled in the case of this guy): .....................
Kain: BOH!
Shade 1 (doesn't quite know how to beat Vorador up): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Shade 2 (It's easy, you just lure him nearby with a copy of Playboy): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Shade 3 (you'd think they'd listen to my tips, but noooooo): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
All 3 shades rush out of the room as fast as possible.
Kain: It's getting harder and harder to reach that 7 page minimum, that CoaD says we need.
Corey: Could that explain the pointlessness?
Kain: let me put it this way, if he wasn't making fun of Defiance, he wouldn't have any plot at all!
Corey: What about the predator story?
Case in point.
Corey: What, you didn't like it?
No.
Kain: It sucked!
(I have effectively insulted all those, who said they liked it. Take that!)
Corey: Fawk-tard!
I wonder if that insult will get me banned. Anyway, Corey is suddenly on top of a giant catapult, and is viciously slammed through the wall. He's gone...........for now.
Kain: Finally!
He examines the Falcon Insignia. Or something like that.
Kain: This artifact seemed as though it was made for that unusual lock. I can't imagine whatever the hell else this bigass key could be used for. Now the door could be opened, since I couldn't actually unbalance the game, by creating a huge fireball, and slamming it through the door. No no, that would make me "unbalanced" to Raziel, despite the fact, that he's a mere wraith, and I'm a demi-god. Stupid Raziel. I could be done with the game by now!
Stop ranting and get moving!
Kain: Bastard.
He goes back to the courtyard.
Kain: Malek, the great sarafan warrior; I had met him before. His sword and shield seemed to have gone ashtray. Damn smoke........ (coughs)
He gets swarmed by soldiers, kills them, and probably gains some new fight ability. What do I know, it's been a while. He finds a guard on the ledge, where there's a gate to the training room. How that guard got up there, I don't know. Kain slips through, and grabs the guard from behind.
Guard: RAPE!
Kain: OI!
Guard: Sorry, reflex.
Kain: Oh, o- wait, I don't even wanna think about that. Where is your bastar- where's your master?
Guard: In the tower.
Kain: Good. (snaps the neck of the guard)
Meanwhile, all the yaoi-obsessed LoK fans swoon over the voice, that Kain used, since they're sick bastards! (Just joking, yer panty-wadders!!!)
So anyway, Kain moves on, moves a block around, and finds Malek's shield.
Kain: Malek's missing shield. I hated to restore his dignity (pukes), but I would need to return this to his monument, before I could continue.
Some shades pop up.
Shade 4 (This guy is not part of the "Beat-Vorador"-crew): Hi.
Kain: Not this again!
He whips out a bazooka, and kills all the shades, that pop up.He returns to the courtyard, and places the shield on the statue. He consequentially gets shot by arrows.
Kain: Ow!
So he moves up to the ledge.
Kain: ..........
Archer 1 (These guys are not shades, and therefore doesn't beat up Vora-)
Kain: SCREW THIS!
He quickly kills all nearby archers, by means of massive destruction. Then, he moves on and finds the sword of Malek.
Kain: Malek's sword belonged in his right hand. However distasteful this errand was, I would return it to it's proper place.
Sarafan 1 (these guys aren't shades, either, so they also don't have anything with the brutalizing of Vorador): Why are you so angry with our noble leader?
Sarafan 2 (You know, I'm getting pretty tired of writing about how this and that person isn't part of the people, who beats Vorador. And besides, if I keep it up, Crystarr might sue me.): Yeah, what has he ever done to you?
Sarafan 3 (No, this guy is not familiar with the fine art of beating up Vorador): You guys haven't heard? Malek kicked his behind!
Sarafan 2 (They're probably too primitive for that fine art, anyway): His "behind"?
Sarafan 3 (Oh great, South Park jokes coming up!): I have to say behind, because I have a V-chip in me, so I get shocked if I say "ass"- (gets zapped) Ow!
Kain: I gotta get out of this madhouse!
He kills all the guards, then leaves with the sword.
Sarafan 4 (Noticed how I didn't make a Beating-Vorador related joke with the last Sarafan guard? Well, those fugly jokes are back now): Got beaten, eh? I bet that's the only reason for your extreme misanthropia.
Kain therefore kills the guard.
Kain: Damn bastards.
He gets back, jumps down to the statue, then gets zapped by magic.
Kain: DAMNIT!
So he runs up there, and kills everything in sight. Then he places the sword on Malek's statue.
Kain: This stupid tower now lay open to me. I looked forward to kicking Moebius' ass for last time. Prepare, Moebius, you are about to get whooped!
Then he finds a reaver-power.......-upper...... Yeah.
Kain: dumbass. This thingy-majingy flied upwards, and started humping my reaver. Rather nasty, but at least I somehow now have a fire-ability, despite this being an "Inspire-Hate" spell thingy. Well, whatever. I can now light these thingys in this room, since I'm currently locked in............SCREW THIS!
He hurls a fireball at said door. Then he gets attacked by Sarafans, and wage unholy war on a few bridges.
Kain: BOOYAH!
Then after some brazier-illumination (I've just seen Demolition Man), and some "weird-ledge" jumping, he comes to the room, with Moebius in it. He kicks the door in, and it splinters.
Kain: Hmm, this will make a great blooper.
Moebius: We don't have bloopers, Kain.
Kain: Wha- CRAP!
Moebius: Here you are, at last. I see you found a fragment of the Balance Emblem. This will be of even further use to you, if you can find the other three. Now, shall we?
Kain: Indeed. But on a somewhat different......handing.
Moebius: It's "footing", you dumbass!
Kain: Whatever!
Kain fukes Moebius up with his UBER-POTENT POWERS OF TELEKINESIS (!) (now was it "POWERS" that I used to say?) and also removes Moebius' staff.
Kain: Now, let us contine this stupid chat.
Kain reaches towards Moebius and seizes him telekinetically, raising him off his feet and drawing Moebius before him. Moebius claws at his neck.
Kain: Now what do you have to tell me, Moebius?
Moebius: Your breath stinks.
Kain: Wha- Why, you're right! (eats a mint)
Moebius: Also, you really should do something about your skin, Kain.
Kain: What the hell?! Have you been hired for "Queer eye for the straight guy"?
Moebius: Yeah.
Kain: I KILL YOU TILL YOU DIE!
Moebius: I'll live forever or die trying! Uhh, I mean: You cannot kill me. We both know that is not how, or when, I die.
Kain: We'll see, once Mr. Ugly-Fugly gets introduced to Mr. Bam-Bam. (pulls out the bazooka)
Moebius: You think that scares me?
Kain: Death is not the only possible outcome.
Moebius: You sound like the elder god!
Kain: You're not supposed to know that!
Kain plays around with his telekinesis, choking Moebius and other fun activities.
Moebius: GET MY ASS OUT OF THE FIRE-PLACE!!!!!!
His ass is now on fire.
Moebius: HOLY SHIT! I hate you, you old bastard!
Kain: Just because I started to need glasses...........
Moebius: Your delusion of fulfilling the Vampires' foolish prophecies have badly distorted your judgment. And Raziel is not what you think.
Kain: Have you been in my mind? I FEEL USED!
Moebius: OI!
Kain flings him into a corner.
Moebius: So, you prevented Raziel's soul from entering the Reaver. Do you believe for a moment that by this you have averted your fate? Or his? Or that of Nosgoth itself? Your manipulations are pathetic!
Kain (choking Moebius with his TK): I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Moebius: cough.......Rip......ack.....off!
Kain: Yet Raziel retains his free will. And that's what frightens you isn't it, Moebius? You cannot see his paths, and so you cannot control it.
Moebius: And neither can you. Yes, Raziel is shrouded from us, but we see the ripples of his potential actions. And every path he might choose leads to the same outcome: he will kill you, Kain. In sparing Raziel, you have written your own death sentence.
Kain: That's rich, coming from the guy, who showed up at Vorador's execution, despite knowing that I was gonna come and kill you!
Moebius: Well, y'know, with Vorador receiving pain and all............
Kain: Ah yeah, good point. Hey wait! You still have not answered the question I came to ask; where is Raziel?
He hurls Moebius into the ground, and slams him around like a rubber-ball.
Moebius: Aow! He is not, in the true sense, "here". Not now.
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THAT FUGLY JOKE! It sucks!
Moebius: You're just jealous of my comedic wit!
Kain: Don't try my patience, Moebius. What have you done with him?
Moebius rises to his feet, behind him, from the high vantage point of the Tower's balcony, we can see the Pillars of Nosgoth, not yet corrupted, rising above the landscape. I don't see the need to tell you this, since you've hopefully completed the game, or at least this part, and therefore should know this. Otherwise, your loss.
MOEBIUS: He is contained. In time, it may be safe to release him. His destiny must be completed- he will enter the sword. But until that time, he is dangerous, far more dangerous than you could understand.
Kain (summons two gigantic fireballs): He can just go right ahead, and TRY!
Moebius: In time, you too will submit to the awesome might of "Queer eye for the straight guy"!
Kain: And your incontrovertible evidence?
Moebius: Your long hair.
Kain: Oh yea- Hey! Screw you! Just tell me how to proceed in this damn game!
Moebius: The answers are plain, if you know where to look. Go west of the Pillars, there you will find a testament written in stone.
Kain: The ten commandments?
Moebius: .........No! (vanishes)
Kain: But stones, too, can lie.
Corey pops in from the window.
Corey: No they can't. They can't even talk!
Kain: You're ruining the ending of this chapter, you bastiche!
Kain Kicks Corey through the window.
Corey (voice fading in the distance): Damn you, Kain! One day we'll meet again!
Kain: Whatever!
A chair falls on his head.
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Standard. 5 reviews. Preferably a lot more. Now.
God, I'm never gonna finish that Evil Dead parody.
Kudos
Tomlette: Dinner's served! BOOYAH!
Mortalsora: Yep, he's badass.
HealerAriel: The camera is a general nuisance! I FREAKING HATE IT!
Abbil: Y'know, it really would be smarter to play the game first.
ShadesOfBlood: Well, Vorador's a pervy bastard, especially in these stories of mine.
Omega-boy: Yeah, consciences sucks!
Mikoto Zoku: I'm such a piss-taker!!!
A/N: Okay folks, I know it's been a while. School is mostly to blame. If you disregard my extreme laziness, of course. I have vacation now, you see, so I don't really wanna do anything, where I myself write. Nonetheless, here is a chapter for you. And in case anyone reports me to FF.net for something, that I don't know what could be, then listen to me, FF.net: Please tell me what I've done wrong, so I'll be warned before I do something like it again. And you really also should tell everybody else. It must be aggravating, to be banned, and not know the reason.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
So back in the stronghold. Kain has to defeat the shadowy creatures again. Despite killing them in the first chapter.
Kain: SONUVA-
They slap him around a bit.
Kain: Stop that!
They knock him down.
Kain: I hate you!!!!!!!!
He starts glowing.
Kain: Trance! Badass!!!!!!
Corey jumps out the nearby water. He slaps Kain in the head.
Corey: You're not a Final Fantasy character, dipshit!
Kain: Who you call 'dipshit'?!
He smacks Corey upwards with his sword, then jumps up, and smacks him down.
Corey: You'll pay for that! Hadoken!
Kain: You're not Black Mag-
BOOM!
Kain (soothed): .....................................Owchies! I'll cut you so you bleed!
Corey: Isn't that the whole point of cutting?
Kain: bite me!
Corey: I could say the same to you.
Kain: No vampire jokes, damnit!
Corey: But it's a vampire game!
Kain: Damnit!
Corey kicks him in the back of the head.
Kain (swinging his reaver around): I'll-
Vorador: "swinging his reaver around" sounds soooooooooo kinky!
Before Kain can do anything, two shades has grabbed Vorador's arms, and a third is pounding him.
Kain: Hey, that's pretty cool!
Corey: That'll teach him not to make perverted comments! Impressionable kids could be reading this (A/N: Despite the PG-13 rating!)!
Kain: Yeah!
He stabs Corey in the stomach, who consequentially kicks him in the spine. They continue fighting.
Shade 1 (done beating Vorador): Ohh, that's gotta hurt!
Shade 2 (this guy's done beating Vorador, too): Ooof, right in the nutsack!
Shade 1 (still done beating Vorador): Now he's beating him with the statue, that Moebius was talking to! Doesn't that count as blasphemy?
Shade 2 (now it's just getting stupid!): Who cares?
Shade 3 (No, this guy is still beating Vorador.): Y'know what I like about this fic? I like the blatant ripoffs, the stereotypic religious jokes, the stupid returning jokes, the gross jokes, and the lack of originality.
The other 2 shades look at him.
Shade 3 (Man, Vorador is being bashed so good right now!): I mean, the fact that he was the first to make a real Defiance parody?
Shade 1 (this guy is still not beating Vorador anymore): ..........Should we kill him?
Shade 2 (There's a severe lack of Vorador-beating from this guy, y'know): Not while the audience is watching.
Shade 3: Uh-oh. I better go. (guess what, people, you've been had. He stopped beating Vorador at the same time as the others. SUCKERS!)
The 3 shades look at Kain and Corey, who stand right in front of them, both very bloody.
Kain: ............
Corey: ...........
Shade 1 (I don't think this guy knows how to beat up Vorador): ............
Shade 2 (Maybe one should give them a hint on how to beat Vorador up): ..................
Shade 3 (Like I said, you had been fooled in the case of this guy): .....................
Kain: BOH!
Shade 1 (doesn't quite know how to beat Vorador up): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Shade 2 (It's easy, you just lure him nearby with a copy of Playboy): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Shade 3 (you'd think they'd listen to my tips, but noooooo): AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
All 3 shades rush out of the room as fast as possible.
Kain: It's getting harder and harder to reach that 7 page minimum, that CoaD says we need.
Corey: Could that explain the pointlessness?
Kain: let me put it this way, if he wasn't making fun of Defiance, he wouldn't have any plot at all!
Corey: What about the predator story?
Case in point.
Corey: What, you didn't like it?
No.
Kain: It sucked!
(I have effectively insulted all those, who said they liked it. Take that!)
Corey: Fawk-tard!
I wonder if that insult will get me banned. Anyway, Corey is suddenly on top of a giant catapult, and is viciously slammed through the wall. He's gone...........for now.
Kain: Finally!
He examines the Falcon Insignia. Or something like that.
Kain: This artifact seemed as though it was made for that unusual lock. I can't imagine whatever the hell else this bigass key could be used for. Now the door could be opened, since I couldn't actually unbalance the game, by creating a huge fireball, and slamming it through the door. No no, that would make me "unbalanced" to Raziel, despite the fact, that he's a mere wraith, and I'm a demi-god. Stupid Raziel. I could be done with the game by now!
Stop ranting and get moving!
Kain: Bastard.
He goes back to the courtyard.
Kain: Malek, the great sarafan warrior; I had met him before. His sword and shield seemed to have gone ashtray. Damn smoke........ (coughs)
He gets swarmed by soldiers, kills them, and probably gains some new fight ability. What do I know, it's been a while. He finds a guard on the ledge, where there's a gate to the training room. How that guard got up there, I don't know. Kain slips through, and grabs the guard from behind.
Guard: RAPE!
Kain: OI!
Guard: Sorry, reflex.
Kain: Oh, o- wait, I don't even wanna think about that. Where is your bastar- where's your master?
Guard: In the tower.
Kain: Good. (snaps the neck of the guard)
Meanwhile, all the yaoi-obsessed LoK fans swoon over the voice, that Kain used, since they're sick bastards! (Just joking, yer panty-wadders!!!)
So anyway, Kain moves on, moves a block around, and finds Malek's shield.
Kain: Malek's missing shield. I hated to restore his dignity (pukes), but I would need to return this to his monument, before I could continue.
Some shades pop up.
Shade 4 (This guy is not part of the "Beat-Vorador"-crew): Hi.
Kain: Not this again!
He whips out a bazooka, and kills all the shades, that pop up.He returns to the courtyard, and places the shield on the statue. He consequentially gets shot by arrows.
Kain: Ow!
So he moves up to the ledge.
Kain: ..........
Archer 1 (These guys are not shades, and therefore doesn't beat up Vora-)
Kain: SCREW THIS!
He quickly kills all nearby archers, by means of massive destruction. Then, he moves on and finds the sword of Malek.
Kain: Malek's sword belonged in his right hand. However distasteful this errand was, I would return it to it's proper place.
Sarafan 1 (these guys aren't shades, either, so they also don't have anything with the brutalizing of Vorador): Why are you so angry with our noble leader?
Sarafan 2 (You know, I'm getting pretty tired of writing about how this and that person isn't part of the people, who beats Vorador. And besides, if I keep it up, Crystarr might sue me.): Yeah, what has he ever done to you?
Sarafan 3 (No, this guy is not familiar with the fine art of beating up Vorador): You guys haven't heard? Malek kicked his behind!
Sarafan 2 (They're probably too primitive for that fine art, anyway): His "behind"?
Sarafan 3 (Oh great, South Park jokes coming up!): I have to say behind, because I have a V-chip in me, so I get shocked if I say "ass"- (gets zapped) Ow!
Kain: I gotta get out of this madhouse!
He kills all the guards, then leaves with the sword.
Sarafan 4 (Noticed how I didn't make a Beating-Vorador related joke with the last Sarafan guard? Well, those fugly jokes are back now): Got beaten, eh? I bet that's the only reason for your extreme misanthropia.
Kain therefore kills the guard.
Kain: Damn bastards.
He gets back, jumps down to the statue, then gets zapped by magic.
Kain: DAMNIT!
So he runs up there, and kills everything in sight. Then he places the sword on Malek's statue.
Kain: This stupid tower now lay open to me. I looked forward to kicking Moebius' ass for last time. Prepare, Moebius, you are about to get whooped!
Then he finds a reaver-power.......-upper...... Yeah.
Kain: dumbass. This thingy-majingy flied upwards, and started humping my reaver. Rather nasty, but at least I somehow now have a fire-ability, despite this being an "Inspire-Hate" spell thingy. Well, whatever. I can now light these thingys in this room, since I'm currently locked in............SCREW THIS!
He hurls a fireball at said door. Then he gets attacked by Sarafans, and wage unholy war on a few bridges.
Kain: BOOYAH!
Then after some brazier-illumination (I've just seen Demolition Man), and some "weird-ledge" jumping, he comes to the room, with Moebius in it. He kicks the door in, and it splinters.
Kain: Hmm, this will make a great blooper.
Moebius: We don't have bloopers, Kain.
Kain: Wha- CRAP!
Moebius: Here you are, at last. I see you found a fragment of the Balance Emblem. This will be of even further use to you, if you can find the other three. Now, shall we?
Kain: Indeed. But on a somewhat different......handing.
Moebius: It's "footing", you dumbass!
Kain: Whatever!
Kain fukes Moebius up with his UBER-POTENT POWERS OF TELEKINESIS (!) (now was it "POWERS" that I used to say?) and also removes Moebius' staff.
Kain: Now, let us contine this stupid chat.
Kain reaches towards Moebius and seizes him telekinetically, raising him off his feet and drawing Moebius before him. Moebius claws at his neck.
Kain: Now what do you have to tell me, Moebius?
Moebius: Your breath stinks.
Kain: Wha- Why, you're right! (eats a mint)
Moebius: Also, you really should do something about your skin, Kain.
Kain: What the hell?! Have you been hired for "Queer eye for the straight guy"?
Moebius: Yeah.
Kain: I KILL YOU TILL YOU DIE!
Moebius: I'll live forever or die trying! Uhh, I mean: You cannot kill me. We both know that is not how, or when, I die.
Kain: We'll see, once Mr. Ugly-Fugly gets introduced to Mr. Bam-Bam. (pulls out the bazooka)
Moebius: You think that scares me?
Kain: Death is not the only possible outcome.
Moebius: You sound like the elder god!
Kain: You're not supposed to know that!
Kain plays around with his telekinesis, choking Moebius and other fun activities.
Moebius: GET MY ASS OUT OF THE FIRE-PLACE!!!!!!
His ass is now on fire.
Moebius: HOLY SHIT! I hate you, you old bastard!
Kain: Just because I started to need glasses...........
Moebius: Your delusion of fulfilling the Vampires' foolish prophecies have badly distorted your judgment. And Raziel is not what you think.
Kain: Have you been in my mind? I FEEL USED!
Moebius: OI!
Kain flings him into a corner.
Moebius: So, you prevented Raziel's soul from entering the Reaver. Do you believe for a moment that by this you have averted your fate? Or his? Or that of Nosgoth itself? Your manipulations are pathetic!
Kain (choking Moebius with his TK): I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Moebius: cough.......Rip......ack.....off!
Kain: Yet Raziel retains his free will. And that's what frightens you isn't it, Moebius? You cannot see his paths, and so you cannot control it.
Moebius: And neither can you. Yes, Raziel is shrouded from us, but we see the ripples of his potential actions. And every path he might choose leads to the same outcome: he will kill you, Kain. In sparing Raziel, you have written your own death sentence.
Kain: That's rich, coming from the guy, who showed up at Vorador's execution, despite knowing that I was gonna come and kill you!
Moebius: Well, y'know, with Vorador receiving pain and all............
Kain: Ah yeah, good point. Hey wait! You still have not answered the question I came to ask; where is Raziel?
He hurls Moebius into the ground, and slams him around like a rubber-ball.
Moebius: Aow! He is not, in the true sense, "here". Not now.
Kain: ENOUGH WITH THAT FUGLY JOKE! It sucks!
Moebius: You're just jealous of my comedic wit!
Kain: Don't try my patience, Moebius. What have you done with him?
Moebius rises to his feet, behind him, from the high vantage point of the Tower's balcony, we can see the Pillars of Nosgoth, not yet corrupted, rising above the landscape. I don't see the need to tell you this, since you've hopefully completed the game, or at least this part, and therefore should know this. Otherwise, your loss.
MOEBIUS: He is contained. In time, it may be safe to release him. His destiny must be completed- he will enter the sword. But until that time, he is dangerous, far more dangerous than you could understand.
Kain (summons two gigantic fireballs): He can just go right ahead, and TRY!
Moebius: In time, you too will submit to the awesome might of "Queer eye for the straight guy"!
Kain: And your incontrovertible evidence?
Moebius: Your long hair.
Kain: Oh yea- Hey! Screw you! Just tell me how to proceed in this damn game!
Moebius: The answers are plain, if you know where to look. Go west of the Pillars, there you will find a testament written in stone.
Kain: The ten commandments?
Moebius: .........No! (vanishes)
Kain: But stones, too, can lie.
Corey pops in from the window.
Corey: No they can't. They can't even talk!
Kain: You're ruining the ending of this chapter, you bastiche!
Kain Kicks Corey through the window.
Corey (voice fading in the distance): Damn you, Kain! One day we'll meet again!
Kain: Whatever!
A chair falls on his head.
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Standard. 5 reviews. Preferably a lot more. Now.
God, I'm never gonna finish that Evil Dead parody.