Author's Note: ok…so I got a few reviews. Yay. Now to write more chapters to give me an excuse to get more reviews to make me write more chapters in order to…well, you get the idea. Now without further ado, we present to you…
The Chronicles of Farmerman:
Episode 4: Farmerman's first real adventure (Part 2)
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.
(Click)
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.
(Click)
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the empty main room of an inn.
(Click)
Narrator: STOP!
(Camera moves into the inn. We see the unconscious form of Jack slumped in front of the bar counter.)
Narrator: how will Jack manage to turn into Farmerman and save the day if he's out cold? What is needed is-
(Chef crawls out from under a table and strides over to Jack.)
Chef: (punches Jack on the head) come on, budum. Wake up, budum.
(The inebriated form of Jack groans.)
Chef: this isn't good, budum. Mistress will not be happy.
(Chef sighs and magics the alcohol from Jack's bloodstream into Karen in a shower of sparkles. Karen goes purple, gargles and foams at the mouth.)
Chef: all right, budum! Let's clean this up, budum!
(The other Harvest Sprites appear and drag Karen out of sight. All the Harvest Sprites then vanish under a table.)
Jack: (groaning and trying to pick himself up) what happened?
Voice of Harvest Goddess: (in Jack's head) all right, up on your feet! Hup-two hup-two off to rose square you go! Don't ask your amazing superhero powers to sense where you're needed, okay, just move!
(Jack staggers towards the door)
Voice of Harvest Goddess: (Audible sigh)
Narrator: why is Jack going to Rose Square? What evil awaits him? How much wood would Gotz chuck if Gotz could chuck wood? All after a word from our sponsors…
(Scene changes to the inside of the confessional. It is completely dark.)
Voice of Carter: (angrily) all right Jack. You've confessed to outraging the modesty of your animals, hurling stones at Rick, burying all your fish bones on the beach, building a privy over the stream which is the main source of drinking water for the town, attempting to stab Dr. Doctor, sexually assaulting Elli…
(Insert very long string of sins here)
Voice of Carter: digging a big hole under Rose Square, putting poison mushrooms into the Harvest pot, committing unspeakable crimes against humankind and wanting to marry Kappa. What do you have to say for yourself?
(Insert sounds of clock ticking and heart beating here)
Voice of Jack: (sharply) it's all right so far! I had Mineral Grain Bars!
(Insert angelic chorus. A beam of light shines down, lighting up the room.)
Carter: (stuffing his face with Mineral Grain Bars) (slightly muffled) yes, it's all right so far! You had Mineral Grain Bars! The Harvest Goddess forgives all your sins! Come again any time-but remember to bring Mineral Grain Bars!
Mysterious Voice: Mineral Grain Bars. Not just the Choice of pissed-off priests, but your choice, too!
Narrator: aren't Mineral Grain Bars simply amazing? Anyway…
(The scene changes to Rose Square. The general population of Mineral Town is milling about blindly.)
Rick: (dressed in a crude chicken costume) Bwahahaha! Now, the whole population of Mineral Town is mine, through my amazingly cute hypnotic chicken plush toys! Today, Mineral Town, tomorrow, Forget-Me-Not valley, and by Saturday, I, the Fowl Villain, will rule the world!
Jack: (hiding behind trash can) this seems like a job for…Farmerman! (Dives into the trash can)
(A green light shines out from the cracks in the trash can. The trash can rocks around for a short while, then…)
Jack: (emerging from the trash can, all covered in rubbish) (looks at camera) all right, whose idea was it to have me go in there?
Narrator: (whistles nonchantly) um…
Jack: (jumping out into view) halt, foul villain! I, Farmerman, have come to stop your evilness! (Holds up Hoe of Destruction dramatically)
Rick: it's FOWL Villain! Why are you not hypnotized?
Narrator: not very long ago…
(Scene changes to behind the chicken coop. We see the Dog with the chicken plush toy in its mouth.)
Dog: Arf! Arf! Grr….(Proceeds to rip the toy to shreds)
Narrator: anyway…
(Scene changes back to Jack.)
Jack: now, nerd, prepare to face the wrath of agriculture, animal rearing and…um…making lots of money!
Rick: (momentarily distracted) I'm a Geek, not a nerd! Nerds are loser-like fat, ugly guys who have pimply faces, and do nothing but memorize multiplication tables all day while Geeks are intelligent, mysterious people who are tall, skinny and strangely attractive!
Jack: (using the moment to hurl himself at the pile of chicken stuffed toys) yaaahhhhh! (Raises Hoe of Destruction)
(The Hoe of Destruction comes crashing down onto the pile, effectively vaporizing it. The populace of Mineral Town come to their senses and makes a run for it.)
Rick: nooo! You haven't beaten me yet, Farmerman…I still have…THIS!
(Camera swings to the right to show Mary, Ann, and Elli sitting down by the bench. They are all cuddling cute chicken plush toys and are sucking their thumbs, seemingly unaware of the situation.)
Jack: unhand the fair ladies, Foul Villain, and nothing will be broken, except your glasses, an arm, a few ribs, and possibly your neck!
Rick: how many times do I have to say…IT'S FOWL VILLIAN! And no! I will hug them and love them and call them George! (Laughs evilly)
(Awkward silence)
Jack: okay…
(Jack takes a step towards Rick and the girls.)
Rick: now, Farmerman, don't get any ideas, for I…(Pulls out laptop) have used my high computer skills as a Nerd to…
(A giant Maths textbook materialises in front of Jack)
Jack: no…not…(dun dun dun) maths!
Rick: (points at Jack) now, destroy that pest!
Giant Maths Textbook: um…Rawr?
(Scene changes to an RPG-like battle screen)
Jack attacks!
It didn't affect Giant Maths Textbook…
Rick: (voice offscreen) Bwahaha! Nothing material can counter the power of mathematics! Prepare to meet your doom, Farmerman!
Giant Maths Textbook used Mathematics!
Jack takes 20 stamina points of damage!
Jack: nothing material…(light bulb appears over Jack's head) of course!
Giant Maths Textbook used Trigonometry!
Jack: sine bracket a plus b equals sine a times cosine b plus sine b plus cosine a. sine theta plus cosine theta can be expressed at either R times sine or cosine bracket theta plus alpha bracket, where R is a constant.
Giant Maths Textbook used Mathematical Induction!
Jack: let P be the proposition that bracket insert equation here bracket. Prove the p first case, the let Pk be the proposition that bracket insert equation here but replace variable with k bracket. Assume Pk case to be true. Find out how right hand side Pk plus one case differs from Pkth case. Adjust left hand side of Pk case by how the right hand side differs to end up by left hand side of Pk plus one case. Write concluding statement.
Giant Maths Textbook: structural…integrity…failing…
(The Giant Maths Textbook explodes, sending Rick and his laptop sailing through the air.)
Rick: I'll get you for this, Faaaaarrrmmmmeeeerrrrmaaaaaaaaaan! (Vanishes from sight)
Jack: yay! School paid off today! (Does victory pose)
(Jack rushes over and begins to remove the stuffed chickens from the girls.)
(Scene changes to inside Jack's subconscious.)
Lust: well, what do you think would happen if our hand went-
Logic: no.
Lust: well, we could accidentally tear-
Logic: no.
Lust: perhaps a peek...
Logic: Caution! Help me get Lust into the straightjacket again! And sit on him!
(Scene changes back to Jack. Jack hurls the evil stuffed chicken plushies onto the ground and hacks at them. Stuffing floats in the air.)
Ann: (coming to her senses) Elli? Mary? What happened? And why's this funny green guy in a too-tight costume here?
Jack: Fear not, fair ladies! The whole town was under the spell of the evil chicken plushies, but I, Farmerman have saved you! My work here is done! Remember, Eat your greens, Drink your milk, Spread more mayo and Wear more wool! (Flies off)
Narrator: and so…
(Scene changes back to Doug's Inn. Everyone is milling about, eating the free food.)
Jack: (crawling in the door like someone stranded in a desert) food…I…need…foooood…
(Gotz goes over, picks Jack up and sets him in a chair, Doug comes over with a huge plate of food. Jack begins to almost literally inhale it.)
Thomas: (coming up) Jack, where were you? You should've been there! Some foul villain almost took over Mineral Town, but some guy calling himself Farmerman saved us all!
Elli: he was so brave!
Mary: and strong…
Ann: and wore a bad costume. Not to mention he wore his underwear on the outside.
Doctor: I think healthy dishes are a good idea.
(Awkward silence. Everyone stares at Doctor.)
Doctor: what?
Narrator: meanwhile, under the table…
(Scene changes to under the table. The Harvest Sprites are standing on Karen, who is in a pool of foam which smells strongly of alcohol.)
Aqua: I told you, it was a bad idea to magic all the alcohol from Jack into her! Now I'll never get clean, budum!
Timid: mistress is going to be mad at us for being late, budum.
Chef: shut up, budum.
Narrator: and so ends the first adventure of Farmerman. Happily for most people, but not for Karen, unfortunately…
Ok! End of story! Hoped you liked it! Reviews please! (Holds out the tin mug)