Author's Note: waah! Is ze not beink havink any reviews! (Stu cries in the background) now see what you did! Stu's crying! Oh well…without further ado, let us begin…the next chapter of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!
The Chronicles of Farmerman:
Episode 8: Anti-Jack (Part 1)
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.
(Click)
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.
(Click)
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the all-too-familiar-by-now farm of Jack, last name unknown.
(Click)
Narrator: STOP!
(Camera zooms in onto Jack's farm. We see Jack busy pulling out turnips from the field. Camera swings across the field. Although all of it is tilled, only a small corner is planted.)
Jack: (looking into camera) what? I know! All the Goddess gave me was the Hoe of Destruction, but she didn't give me anything to water the crops with! (Returns to pulling out turnips) (Mumbles to self) got to get in all the turnips before spring ends…
(Zack walks in)
Zack: hey, Jack. Here's the special bait you ordered from the TV Shopping Network. Now put that rod I gave you to good use, will you? (Hands Jack the box)
Jack: um…yeah…
(Flashback)
(The scene changes to the interior of Doug's inn. Jack is on the phone.)
Phone: Hello. This is the TV Shopping Network. Would you like to buy our latest fishing baits?
Jack: yes.
Phone: thanks a lot. I'll deliver it in 2-3 days.
(Jack puts down the phone, opens his wallet and starts counting the money.)
Jack: (to self) I wonder how they do it…exactly 1000G's gone.
(End Flashback)
Zack: delivered safe and sound! (Turns to leave)
Jack: um…Zack?
Zack: (stops) yeah?
Jack: (leans against the shipment box) I was just wondering…how on earth does this tiny box manage to hold my whole crop of turnips? I mean, given the laws of physics…
(Zack stares at Jack in an odd way for a while.)
Jack: did I say something wrong?
Zack: (whispering) ok…I'll tell you, but you have to keep it a secret.
Jack: (nods)
Zack: (whispering) you see, what actually is in that tiny box is a miniature black hole. When you put stuff in, it gets sucked into the black hole, and the momentary vacuum causes the box to wobble. I'm not sure how they get the stuff out afterwards. I just do the shipping.
Jack: (whispering) so if say, the black hole was to get out, quite a bit of the world would be going splat?
Zack: (nods)
Jack: well, I'm sure I'll sleep much better at night now.
Zack: glad I could help. (leaves)
(Jack waits for Zack to leave, then pulls out a scrap of paper. It is marked "Things to do today". Camera zooms in onto the piece of paper. The list reads: 1.harvest. 2. Buy cow.)
Jack: (taking out a stub of pencil) one more thing to do. (Scribbles "go fishing" on the scrap of paper.)
Narrator: meanwhile, far, far below the earth, further than the 255th level of the mine…
(Scene changes to show a huge cavern , illuminated dimly by glowing red lights. There is a desk in one corner. Behind the desk is a very fat, egg-shaped silhouetted figure. On the wall opposite the desk is a screen, projecting what Jack is doing.)
Mysterious Figure: (drums fingers on desk while watching Jack) so, it seems my nemesis has hired a mortal underling to do her dirty work…fortunately, I have done the same! As we supernatural beings aren't allowed to interfere directly on a large scale…
(A sudden burst of light illuminates the figure. The figure is actually…)
Gourmet: (looking angrily at camera) what did you expect? Since I eat lots and lots of crops, it's only fitting that I, the Gourmet, should be the Harvest Devil, the ultimate physical embodiment of evil! Welcome to crop hell, where bad crops go when they die! Enjoy your stay here!
Narrator: okay…a short while later…
(The scene changes to Zack, who is whistling a merry tune while walking past the poultry farm. Suddenly, he is whacked on the head from behind.)
Zack: ow…(falls unconscious to the ground)
(Whoever it was who knocked Zack out drags him out of the camera.)
Narrator: oh no! who knocked Zack out? Does it have anything to do with the Harvest Devil's plans? Will Jack ever manage to buy a cow? Read on to find out…
(Scene changes back to Jack, still pulling turnips out of the ground)
Jack: (hurling a turnip into the shipment box, which wobbles dangerously) phew…that's the last one…(pats dirt off hands)
(Jack pulls the to-do list out of his pocket, stares at it for a while, then walks to the exit of his farm. Camera follows Jack as he exits the farm and walks past the Poultry Farm. Camera swings to the right, showing Harris, Lillia, and Rick gathered in a circle around something.)
Jack: (walks up) what's going on?
Harris: (scribbling furiously on a notepad) …yes. And so you found Zack just lying there?
Lillia: yes.
Harris: (turning to face Jack) it appears that Zack has been knocked out cold. The shape of the injury suggests that something heavy was used, quite possibly a farming tool.
Jack: (shocked) what?
Harris: don't worry, he's in the clinic. Got a chalk outline of him though, used up most of my chalk.
Rick: I wonder how something like this could happen in our peaceful little town…
Harris: ever since this year started, I've been having much more work to do…at least this "Farmerman" is on our side…
Jack: (rolling eyes) any way I can help?
Harris: yeah…stay out of the way…(takes out a handkerchief and mops his brow)
(Jack shrugs and is about to move forward when something at the side of the road catches his eye. He bends down and picks it up)
Jack: I think I found something. (Shows Harris the item he found. Camera zooms in on the item. In Jack's fingers are three, long, blond hairs.)
Harris: (scratches head) I'm not sure…no one in town has hair of that length and colour…
Jack: oh well, you're the policeman. I'll leave these with you and be on my way…(Hands Harris the hairs and leaves.)
(Camera follows Jack as he continues down the road. He turns into Yodel Farm and enters.)
Jack: (leaning on the counter) I'd like a cow, please.
Barley: and would you do the naming for me?
Jack: huh? Don't they already have a name? The one you gave them?
Barley: (shifting eyes) well…
Jack: fine. I'll just call her cow. A cow named cow. There. (Hands over the money.)
Barley: thanks! I'll put 'er in the barn for you!
(Barley walks out of the house for a few seconds, then comes back in)
Barley: all done!
Jack: what? You've got to be kiddin-(checks list of cattle) HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT! HOW COULD YOU GET A COW, WALK OVER TO MY BARN, PUT HER IN, AND COME BACK ALL IN A FEW SECONDS?!
Barley: (shrugs noncommittally)
(Jack gives Barley an odd look, then leaves quickly. After the door shuts, Barley takes out a teleport stone from the recesses of his clothing.)
Barley: (Gollum-like voice) prrrrreeeecioussssssss…
Narrator: and that clears up that little mystery. Now meanwhile…
(Scene changes to show Jack hurrying out of Yodel Farm. Camera shifts away from Jack to a nearby bush. As Jack's back is turned, a small periscope extends from the bush, and follows Jack as he reaches the farm gate.)
Voice: (from inside bush) I knew it! That old man left the farm in HIS hands? Hm…
(A Random Cow approaches the bush)
Random Cow: moo?
Voice: stupid cow…aah, I could do with a steak anyway.
(A petite arm extends from the bush, and drags the cow into it. The bush rustles for a while. A few muffled "moo"s are heard, then the bush slinks across the river and disappears into the forest. After the bush disappears from sight, the Harvest Sprites file into the farm, dragging behind them a bottle of milk and a burlap sack painted white and black.)
Bold: why do we always have to clean up after this guy, budum?
Chef: because he works for mistress, and we don't dare disobey mistress, budum. Oh. And because you're ugly, budum.
Barley: (from inside farmhouse) MILKING TIME!
Chef: stations, budum! Everyone!
(The Harvest Sprites scramble into the sack, taking the milk bottle with them.)
Barley: (approaching the sack) now how are we feeling today, Betsy?
Staid: (from inside sack) moo, budum.
Barley: now then, dear, it's time for milking. (Gets out milker)
Aqua: (hisses) pass the bottle, budum!
(Timid passes the bottle to Aqua, who then slips it through a hole in the sack.)
Barley: thanks, dearie. Now to move on…(Ambles away)
Narrator: that was odd. Anyway…
(The scene changes to Jack, standing on the pier.)
Jack: (reading instruction leaflet) new amazing baits for fishing! Brought to you by Home Shopping Network. Attach these new baits to your rod and fish up things which have never been fished before!
(Camera swings to the bait box next to Jack.)
Jack: oh-kay…
(Jack opens the box. Inside are various odds and ends, but nothing that one would normally consider bait.)
Jack: oh well…let's try this. (picks out an item at random. It turns out to be some animal fodder. Jack attaches it to the rod and casts. Soon enough, there is a tug on the line. Jack pulls and fishes up a…)
Mysterious Voice: you fished a sheep.
Sheep: baa.
Jack: okay, this is weird. (Lowers the sheep into the water.) let's try something else…(attaches a bottle of wine and casts. At the next tug, Karen and Duke both come up, clinging to the wine bottle.)
Mysterious Voice: you fished a Karen and Duke.
Karen: (punches Duke) hey, that's my wine!
Duke: (punches Karen back) no, mine!
Karen: mine!
Duke: mine!
Jack: (sweatdrops and lowers the two of them back into the water.)
(Camera swings back to the remaining bait in the box, which include scrambled eggs, truffle rice, Hot Milk and rice balls.)
Jack: I think I'll pass please. Don't wanna know what I can fish up with these. Maybe I'll go back and plant more turnips which grow in four days…
(Jack picks up his rod and bait and prepares to leave, when suddenly a fluffy pink bunny hops over.)
Jack: aww…look at the kayoot widdle bunny. Isn't this kayoot little bunny nice?
(Jack looks up, and gapes. Camera follows Jack's line of vision to show hordes of fluffy little pink bunnies milling in Rose Square.)
Jack: …oh…
(Camera fades out)
Narrator: where did the horde of fluffy, cute pink bunnies come from? Who is the underling of the Gourmet, also known as the Harvest Devil? Does it have anything to do with Zack being knocked out, and the mysterious bush? Find out all these and the recipe for Elli Leaves in the next episode of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!
Actually, I've dropped enough hints in the episode to give you an idea of who Jack's evil twin is, especially the hair…Review, or May will cry! (Holds out tin mug)
The Chronicles of Farmerman:
Episode 8: Anti-Jack (Part 1)
Narrator: (Me!) now let us imagine ourselves in some world.
(Click)
Narrator: now let us focus in, on a small town next to a mountain.
(Click)
Narrator: Now let us zoom in, onto the all-too-familiar-by-now farm of Jack, last name unknown.
(Click)
Narrator: STOP!
(Camera zooms in onto Jack's farm. We see Jack busy pulling out turnips from the field. Camera swings across the field. Although all of it is tilled, only a small corner is planted.)
Jack: (looking into camera) what? I know! All the Goddess gave me was the Hoe of Destruction, but she didn't give me anything to water the crops with! (Returns to pulling out turnips) (Mumbles to self) got to get in all the turnips before spring ends…
(Zack walks in)
Zack: hey, Jack. Here's the special bait you ordered from the TV Shopping Network. Now put that rod I gave you to good use, will you? (Hands Jack the box)
Jack: um…yeah…
(Flashback)
(The scene changes to the interior of Doug's inn. Jack is on the phone.)
Phone: Hello. This is the TV Shopping Network. Would you like to buy our latest fishing baits?
Jack: yes.
Phone: thanks a lot. I'll deliver it in 2-3 days.
(Jack puts down the phone, opens his wallet and starts counting the money.)
Jack: (to self) I wonder how they do it…exactly 1000G's gone.
(End Flashback)
Zack: delivered safe and sound! (Turns to leave)
Jack: um…Zack?
Zack: (stops) yeah?
Jack: (leans against the shipment box) I was just wondering…how on earth does this tiny box manage to hold my whole crop of turnips? I mean, given the laws of physics…
(Zack stares at Jack in an odd way for a while.)
Jack: did I say something wrong?
Zack: (whispering) ok…I'll tell you, but you have to keep it a secret.
Jack: (nods)
Zack: (whispering) you see, what actually is in that tiny box is a miniature black hole. When you put stuff in, it gets sucked into the black hole, and the momentary vacuum causes the box to wobble. I'm not sure how they get the stuff out afterwards. I just do the shipping.
Jack: (whispering) so if say, the black hole was to get out, quite a bit of the world would be going splat?
Zack: (nods)
Jack: well, I'm sure I'll sleep much better at night now.
Zack: glad I could help. (leaves)
(Jack waits for Zack to leave, then pulls out a scrap of paper. It is marked "Things to do today". Camera zooms in onto the piece of paper. The list reads: 1.harvest. 2. Buy cow.)
Jack: (taking out a stub of pencil) one more thing to do. (Scribbles "go fishing" on the scrap of paper.)
Narrator: meanwhile, far, far below the earth, further than the 255th level of the mine…
(Scene changes to show a huge cavern , illuminated dimly by glowing red lights. There is a desk in one corner. Behind the desk is a very fat, egg-shaped silhouetted figure. On the wall opposite the desk is a screen, projecting what Jack is doing.)
Mysterious Figure: (drums fingers on desk while watching Jack) so, it seems my nemesis has hired a mortal underling to do her dirty work…fortunately, I have done the same! As we supernatural beings aren't allowed to interfere directly on a large scale…
(A sudden burst of light illuminates the figure. The figure is actually…)
Gourmet: (looking angrily at camera) what did you expect? Since I eat lots and lots of crops, it's only fitting that I, the Gourmet, should be the Harvest Devil, the ultimate physical embodiment of evil! Welcome to crop hell, where bad crops go when they die! Enjoy your stay here!
Narrator: okay…a short while later…
(The scene changes to Zack, who is whistling a merry tune while walking past the poultry farm. Suddenly, he is whacked on the head from behind.)
Zack: ow…(falls unconscious to the ground)
(Whoever it was who knocked Zack out drags him out of the camera.)
Narrator: oh no! who knocked Zack out? Does it have anything to do with the Harvest Devil's plans? Will Jack ever manage to buy a cow? Read on to find out…
(Scene changes back to Jack, still pulling turnips out of the ground)
Jack: (hurling a turnip into the shipment box, which wobbles dangerously) phew…that's the last one…(pats dirt off hands)
(Jack pulls the to-do list out of his pocket, stares at it for a while, then walks to the exit of his farm. Camera follows Jack as he exits the farm and walks past the Poultry Farm. Camera swings to the right, showing Harris, Lillia, and Rick gathered in a circle around something.)
Jack: (walks up) what's going on?
Harris: (scribbling furiously on a notepad) …yes. And so you found Zack just lying there?
Lillia: yes.
Harris: (turning to face Jack) it appears that Zack has been knocked out cold. The shape of the injury suggests that something heavy was used, quite possibly a farming tool.
Jack: (shocked) what?
Harris: don't worry, he's in the clinic. Got a chalk outline of him though, used up most of my chalk.
Rick: I wonder how something like this could happen in our peaceful little town…
Harris: ever since this year started, I've been having much more work to do…at least this "Farmerman" is on our side…
Jack: (rolling eyes) any way I can help?
Harris: yeah…stay out of the way…(takes out a handkerchief and mops his brow)
(Jack shrugs and is about to move forward when something at the side of the road catches his eye. He bends down and picks it up)
Jack: I think I found something. (Shows Harris the item he found. Camera zooms in on the item. In Jack's fingers are three, long, blond hairs.)
Harris: (scratches head) I'm not sure…no one in town has hair of that length and colour…
Jack: oh well, you're the policeman. I'll leave these with you and be on my way…(Hands Harris the hairs and leaves.)
(Camera follows Jack as he continues down the road. He turns into Yodel Farm and enters.)
Jack: (leaning on the counter) I'd like a cow, please.
Barley: and would you do the naming for me?
Jack: huh? Don't they already have a name? The one you gave them?
Barley: (shifting eyes) well…
Jack: fine. I'll just call her cow. A cow named cow. There. (Hands over the money.)
Barley: thanks! I'll put 'er in the barn for you!
(Barley walks out of the house for a few seconds, then comes back in)
Barley: all done!
Jack: what? You've got to be kiddin-(checks list of cattle) HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT! HOW COULD YOU GET A COW, WALK OVER TO MY BARN, PUT HER IN, AND COME BACK ALL IN A FEW SECONDS?!
Barley: (shrugs noncommittally)
(Jack gives Barley an odd look, then leaves quickly. After the door shuts, Barley takes out a teleport stone from the recesses of his clothing.)
Barley: (Gollum-like voice) prrrrreeeecioussssssss…
Narrator: and that clears up that little mystery. Now meanwhile…
(Scene changes to show Jack hurrying out of Yodel Farm. Camera shifts away from Jack to a nearby bush. As Jack's back is turned, a small periscope extends from the bush, and follows Jack as he reaches the farm gate.)
Voice: (from inside bush) I knew it! That old man left the farm in HIS hands? Hm…
(A Random Cow approaches the bush)
Random Cow: moo?
Voice: stupid cow…aah, I could do with a steak anyway.
(A petite arm extends from the bush, and drags the cow into it. The bush rustles for a while. A few muffled "moo"s are heard, then the bush slinks across the river and disappears into the forest. After the bush disappears from sight, the Harvest Sprites file into the farm, dragging behind them a bottle of milk and a burlap sack painted white and black.)
Bold: why do we always have to clean up after this guy, budum?
Chef: because he works for mistress, and we don't dare disobey mistress, budum. Oh. And because you're ugly, budum.
Barley: (from inside farmhouse) MILKING TIME!
Chef: stations, budum! Everyone!
(The Harvest Sprites scramble into the sack, taking the milk bottle with them.)
Barley: (approaching the sack) now how are we feeling today, Betsy?
Staid: (from inside sack) moo, budum.
Barley: now then, dear, it's time for milking. (Gets out milker)
Aqua: (hisses) pass the bottle, budum!
(Timid passes the bottle to Aqua, who then slips it through a hole in the sack.)
Barley: thanks, dearie. Now to move on…(Ambles away)
Narrator: that was odd. Anyway…
(The scene changes to Jack, standing on the pier.)
Jack: (reading instruction leaflet) new amazing baits for fishing! Brought to you by Home Shopping Network. Attach these new baits to your rod and fish up things which have never been fished before!
(Camera swings to the bait box next to Jack.)
Jack: oh-kay…
(Jack opens the box. Inside are various odds and ends, but nothing that one would normally consider bait.)
Jack: oh well…let's try this. (picks out an item at random. It turns out to be some animal fodder. Jack attaches it to the rod and casts. Soon enough, there is a tug on the line. Jack pulls and fishes up a…)
Mysterious Voice: you fished a sheep.
Sheep: baa.
Jack: okay, this is weird. (Lowers the sheep into the water.) let's try something else…(attaches a bottle of wine and casts. At the next tug, Karen and Duke both come up, clinging to the wine bottle.)
Mysterious Voice: you fished a Karen and Duke.
Karen: (punches Duke) hey, that's my wine!
Duke: (punches Karen back) no, mine!
Karen: mine!
Duke: mine!
Jack: (sweatdrops and lowers the two of them back into the water.)
(Camera swings back to the remaining bait in the box, which include scrambled eggs, truffle rice, Hot Milk and rice balls.)
Jack: I think I'll pass please. Don't wanna know what I can fish up with these. Maybe I'll go back and plant more turnips which grow in four days…
(Jack picks up his rod and bait and prepares to leave, when suddenly a fluffy pink bunny hops over.)
Jack: aww…look at the kayoot widdle bunny. Isn't this kayoot little bunny nice?
(Jack looks up, and gapes. Camera follows Jack's line of vision to show hordes of fluffy little pink bunnies milling in Rose Square.)
Jack: …oh…
(Camera fades out)
Narrator: where did the horde of fluffy, cute pink bunnies come from? Who is the underling of the Gourmet, also known as the Harvest Devil? Does it have anything to do with Zack being knocked out, and the mysterious bush? Find out all these and the recipe for Elli Leaves in the next episode of…The Chronicles of Farmerman!
Actually, I've dropped enough hints in the episode to give you an idea of who Jack's evil twin is, especially the hair…Review, or May will cry! (Holds out tin mug)