Disclaimer: Same procedure as always
Note: Steffi is on vacation and hence we are not able to write anything right now, but we are still a little ahead, so there are some more chapters waiting already. But for now: enjoy this one!!!
Digging Deep
Max ran out into the now chilly evening. Logan was nowhere in sight. She could hear the ocean in the background and suddenly knew she would find him there. She turned around the corner and ran down the small pathway leading to the beach. In the moonlight, she could make out his form in the distance. She slowed her steps as she neared him, but scanned her surroundings, relieved to notice they were alone.
Silently, she walked closer, shivering slightly, until she stood next to him. For a moment she just stared at the ocean with him, her arms crossed in front of her chest, hoping he would start to talk.
Logan sensed Max's presence next to him, but didn't dare look at her. He felt stupid for running away and at the same time he found it impossible to talk to anyone now, not even Max. The picture had brought back the memories of his parents' death with such a force. He couldn't understand why this picture had had such a strong impact on him. Probably this place, his grandmother, Chloe...all of this had built this strong link to those memories he had kept in the farthest corner of his mind.
"Do you want to talk?" Max asked tentatively, remembering her conversation with Beth about how Logan was used to bottling feelings up. She wasn't about to let him do that again. She had learnt that sharing pain made it easier to overcome. Logan just had never had a chance to learn that.
Logan stayed silent for another endless minute, fighting an inner battle. Part of him wanted to talk, to have Max understand his pain, but the other part kept telling him that it would be better, easier and over more quickly, if he brushed it off with a smart remark and kept on going like everything was okay. This was how things had worked out for him in the past, only that he had never really been happy, as he realized now.
Max understood his struggle and was willing to give him some time. Wordlessly she grabbed the back of his wheelchair and pushed him a little closer to the sandy beach, to a spot where she had discovered a bench under a big tree. She leaned over and set his brakes next to the bench and then sat down on it, holding her knees to her chest.
"You know, I never really had parents, and I can't relate to what it feels like to lose them. But I keep on wondering which is better, not to have any at all, so at least I can't lose them, or to be loved and love them back but eventually having to experience the pain of loss. But the more I thought about it, the more I figured I would have been willing to pay that price, to lose them. At least you know that you have been loved completely by someone in your life."
There was a long pause while both of them stared into the distance, the eternity of the ocean stretching out ahead of them, the waves rolling in with a soothing sound. It was so peaceful.
"I keep on thinking that I should have been on the plane with them," Logan finally said, looking over the dark water. Max sat there, holding herself tight, not really knowing how to comfort him. It was a terrible feeling.
"I mean, we were planning this trip...but I got sick, so I stayed at home with grandma..."
"You can't blame yourself for that, Logan," Max whispered.
"I had this terrible feeling after they left," he went on. "This feeling you sometimes have as a kid, that I hadn't said goodbye to them, like I should have. I had been angry and yelling at them because they wouldn't let me come, though I told them I was fine...' he trailed off, leaving it to Max to finish his thought.
Max shook her head. "Don't do this to yourself." Max slowly stretched out her hand. She was not quite sure if he wanted the contact so she put it on his thigh.
But Logan ignored her comment. If she wanted him to talk, she was going to get all of it. The fear, the doubt, everything. He looked down at her hand, resting on his unfeeling leg.
"The last thing I did was yell at them, Max!!" Logan said desperately and buried his face in his hand, the other one coming to rest on his thigh, only inches from Max's hand. "They just left me, never giving me a chance to apologize!"
Max moved her hand forward and gently entangled her fingers with his. "I'm sure they knew you didn't mean it. And they knew how much you loved them. I just have to look at you and I know..."
"Damn it, Max. Back then nobody cared how much I loved them. The only thing that mattered was who was going to get Dad's part of the company and I was just something they couldn't simply get rid of. They just left me all alone; there was nobody who wanted me!" He let out a sarcastic laugh, then his voice became softer, almost a whisper. "I hated them for leaving me, Max. I was so mad at them."
"Your grandparents wanted you..." Max said hesitantly. She was not sure if she should tell Logan about the conversation she had had with Beth the night before.
Logan shook his head. "They never even called me." Then he looked at Max, surprised. "How do you know?"
"You remember the conversation I had last night with your grandmother." It was more of a statement than a question.
"What did she tell you?" he asked tonelessly, his eyes half closed.
"She said that they tried to reach you all the time, after you had gone to live with Jonas, but he refused to let them talk to you...or see you, most of the time. " She felt very uncomfortable breaking this to him. This was something his grandmother should have told him, not her.
He swallowed hard, a tear escaping his eye. He angrily brushed it away. "That doesn't matter now anyway. I had to grow up with Uncle Jonas, who never accepted me, let alone loved me. And he still doesn't. I have always been the black sheep, and by landing in this damn steel trap I just proved that again."
Max shook her head at his reaction and looked down at her feet, trying to gather her thoughts. "What does being the black sheep of the family have to do with getting shot?" she finally asked bluntly.
"I could never stand up to his expectations, and look at me now, I can't even stand up. How am I supposed to ever be accepted like this??" He angrily brushed her hand off his thigh. "I can't even FEEL that!!"
"Logan, come on. Those people are complete idiots. They're not worth your company. They would never accept you, chair or no chair. No matter what you did or how hard you tried, they'd always find something to hold against you, anyway," she said angrily.
He laughed. "God, I feel like running, and I can't even do that. Can you imagine what that's like, when you're stuck like this?" He finally looked at her, his eyes full of pain and turmoil.
Max shivered and felt her heart sting. "Don't run, Logan. Fight it out. Not for them, or for anybody else, but for you!" she said firmly, taking his hand again.
"I can't do that, Max. It hurts too much."
"It will hurt you even more if you go on like this. It will eat you up from the inside."
Logan bit his lip to fight back the tears that were threatening to fill his eyes. "I'm not sure I can do this..." he shook his head.
Max knew she had gotten to him. "I'm here, you don't have to go through it alone."
She looked deep into his eyes, willing him to trust her.
Logan nodded, but his eyes didn't convey any conviction. "That's good to know. But in the end it'll be on me to sort things out. I just don't know how to start."
"Just do it, doesn't matter where you start. I know I can't take the burden from you, but at least I can help carry it. That's all I'm asking for."
He snorted. "So tell me. How are you gonna do that?"
Max shrugged, still looking straight at him. "Listen," she stated. When she saw him look at her incredulously, she continued. "Apparently you are not familiar with that concept, or why else would you need an X-5 to explain it to you? Logan, I promise, it helps to share pain, believe me, I have plenty of experience. Do you think I told you all about my childhood and the other shit just because you were curious?"
Logan let out a deep sigh. "I've always been told that it makes you a stronger man to ignore pain or keep it inside. " He didn't need Max to tell him that this was complete bullshit, but it was hard to get rid of a habit you had been indoctrinated with.
"Aren't you just trying to tell me that you hated the way you had to grow up? Don't tell me you agree with this wretched idea." Max was close to trying another tactic to make him talk; she knew how hot-tempered he could be. Maybe making him angry would help?
"I don't agree with it! But that doesn't mean I can just turn a switch in my head and all of the sudden completely forget about the way I used to process and deal with things all of those years!" he exclaimed.
"Damn it, Logan! The way you've dealt with things so far doesn't seemed to have worked, so just get it into your stubborn head that there might be better ways!" She grew frustrated. She wanted nothing more than to help him, and it wore at her nerves that he was not willing to open up.
"No Max! You don't get me!" Logan shouted back. "I know there are better ways and I do wish I could get all those freaking memories and all the confusion and frustration out of my head, to be able to feel and see myself clearly again, but it just doesn't work like that!" He shook his head again.
"Bling told me a thousand times to just let it out. Scream a little, whatever. I just couldn't get myself to do it!
"Give it a shot! That's all I'm asking for. It can't be so hard to just tell me what it was like."
Max was not about to give up just yet.
Logan turned his head away from her.
"It's like there's a fist in your chest and your stomach, pulling tighter and tighter, choking you and squeezing your guts, but you can't even scream for help. The words just won't come out of your mouth. So you just swallow them until they form a big lump in your stomach and make you sick. "
From the desperate tone in his voice, Max realised how deep his wounds really were. All the anger she had felt seconds ago vanished. She suddenly felt nothing but sympathy, maybe even pity. "I want to help you, Logan. Let me do that, please."
"So I guess that would involve talking, huh." Logan said, trying to lighten the mood. But actually he was scared. Scared of what he knew her answer would be and scared of what would happen if she succeeded in getting through to all those bundled up feelings.
"I'm afraid so," she lovingly smiled at him. She could clearly see the fear in his eyes, but she wanted so badly to let him know he didn't have to be afraid of her, a killing machine. She snorted inwardly. She was demanding quite a bit here.
Logan ran his hands over his face. "So, where do I start?" he asked insecurely. This felt so silly. But at the same time he knew, Max was right. If he wasn't going to break with his old habits right here and now, he probably never would.
"How about at the beginning?" Max caught a movement a long distance away. Focusing her eyes she could make out Brennan and Chloe. They probably only saw the two figures as shadows, but they waved at them, making a sign they were going to a bar next to the restaurant and Max quickly waved back,
"That would be where?"
"What was it like to be forced to live with your uncle?"
Logan sighed. "Like I said, I hated to be left alone. And I hated the way Jonas seemed to have an answer to everything. After my parents had died, he told me everything would be okay, so it was. He said I would be having a great time, living at his house, so I had a great time. He said I would learn to love my cousins like my brothers, so I did. He said I'd be in the hockey league, so after some months I was. He said I would marry a nice and well-to-do woman, so I did. Only it still wasn't good enough for him! I did everything he asked for, but it just wasn't good enough.
He shook his head in disbelief.
"But you know he got it all wrong, don't you?"
Yeah, but what was I supposed to do? I always hoped that one day, I'd do something just right. I was so desperate to please him that I didn't want to see how stupid that was."
"What about Margo? Or Bennett?"
Logan let out a harsh laugh. "Margo didn't want me in the house in the first place. She just 'accepted' me around, because Jonas wanted it. ...And Bennett, he was okay. He was basically the only one who ever mentioned my parents again after the funeral. He was the one who stood up for me, when I had done something to outrage his father. "
"Things didn't get better when you left for college?"
"Oh yes, they did, kind of. I got to do what I really wanted to do for the first time. I dropped law school after a semester and changed to journalism. Jonas hit the ceiling when he found out about it." Logan smiled wickedly at the thought.
There was a long pause while both of them were trying to process what had just been said. The wind was blowing stronger now and Logan zipped up his jacket completely.
Max knew she would have to bring up the next issue; Logan probably would avoid it. But there was something else he had never worked out, and Max wasn't sure she would ever again get him to talk so openly.
"You know, after the shooting," she started hesitantly. "What...I mean, gosh, Logan. How did you make it?"
Logan was torn from his thoughts of college by her sudden question. He hadn't been prepared for her to change the subject that quickly. He felt the urge to run away again. It was hard enough speaking about his childhood, but this was so much more present.
He looked out over the ocean, trying to figure out what to say.
"Logan?"
He turned his head abruptly, as if waking from a daze, and looked at Max, now suddenly standing in front of him, waiting for an answer. When he could not hold her gaze any longer, he looked down at his hands again. "Sorry. What did you say?" he asked, buying more time to work out an answer.
"Tell me about the shooting. How did you feel? How did you deal with it?"
He stared into the distance, and then slowly started to talk.
"When I woke up in the hospital a couple of days after the shooting, I was in a daze. My head was clouded and I couldn't quite remember what had happened. I noticed that I couldn't feel my legs, but I just attributed that to the fact that I was still in a daze and they'd be back, as soon as the fog in my head cleared. When they finally told me what had happened and what was the actual reason why I couldn't feel my legs, I just laughed. Yeah, Max, I laughed at them. This couldn't be, right?!? It was just going to be a couple of days and I would be up and walking again. Because that's the way it was supposed to work." He drew in a sharp breath. "It just didn't!"
Max felt a lump rise in her throat. He had been through so much and she had been such a coward, not showing up when she knew he had been miserable. No she had rather waited until he was back home, fine, strong.
He shook his head. "Fact was, I couldn't do anything; I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand, I couldn't even sit up in my bed, because each time I tried, I would get sick and dizzy and tumble over..."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. Suddenly her own emotions were overwhelming her.
"I spent the first week or so concentrating all my senses on wishing to die," he continued in a toneless voice.
"I'm so sorry." She felt tears build up in her eyes.
"Then Bling came along, started to kick my ass, dragging me out of bed each goddamn morning, when I didn't know how to survive another day and pushing me to start fighting again." He laughed bitterly. "It was more like I was fighting him, though."
Max was afraid of her next question, but for her own peace of mind, she had to ask it anyway. "Logan, do you blame me?" her voice was barely a whisper.
He looked up, totally taken aback by her question. "You?? Why should I blame you? You didn't shoot me, did you?"
A tear ran down her cheek. "But you asked me to help you, and I refused. If I had been there..."
"You'd probably have gotten yourself shot. No, Max, I'd never think about blaming you!" he said more softly now, shocked to see her cry.
"I'm still so sorry. I was such a jerk back then. I wish I could undo it, Logan. I'm so sorry." With that, she sat down in his lap, embracing him tightly.
He closed his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, feeling her warmth and drawing comfort from it.
"There's nothing you could have done. I knew how dangerous the situation was and still I went for it. If anybody could have prevented what happened, then it's probably me." He sighed.
"Logan, what you did back then was a good thing. Don't ever forget that." She caressed his neck. "Lauren and her daughter are alive because of you."
"Yeah," he said sarcastically "Two saved lives for a couple of lost ones and a blown out spine."
Max was silent. She didn't know how to ease the pain. She couldn't think of anything appropriate.
Logan shook his head to himself. "The whole operation was too risky. I shouldn't have let Lauren and Sophie get involved in the first place...and Peter."
"You know that this is wrong. You did the right thing, Logan!" She squeezed his hand. "And Peter voluntarily joined you, because he believed in your fight. He was willingly taking the risk."
Logan desperately shook his head. "You know what I sometimes think? That it is arrogant and ridiculous to think I can make a difference. I'm so tired."
Max leaned back so she could look at him. "You know what? If you're honest with yourself, you know very well why you're still fighting as Eyes Only. Because you're making a difference! And if you're tired, this is not about Eyes Only, this is because you haven't dealt with your situation. You need so much strength to make yourself believe this doesn't affect you, that you're fine. You have to accept reality, then you can move on with a clear mind."
"The reality that innocent people died because of my arrogance or the reality that I'll be stuck in this chair for the rest of my life?!" he asked angrily, letting go of her.
Max got up and looked down at him. "The part about your arrogance being responsible is crap, but apart from that that's just what I'm trying to break to you. You have to face it! There might be ways to get you back on your feet, or there might not be, but you still have a life ahead of you that is worth living. You have to look for the positive side again!"
"Oh, great!" he snarled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Really, Max! I don't need you to tell me what to do or how to feel. It's so much easier said than done and you don't have the slightest idea whatsoever how hard it is for me to face my f****** reality!" He was so angry now. He was sick and tired of people telling him to accept fate, to deal with things or think positively. It was not like he wasn't trying-or hadn't been trying the whole time.
"Yeah, you're right! I don't know a thing about how you feel. Because you shut me, like everyone else, out and keep pushing me away! Tell me about your reality!!"
Logan gritted his teeth. "My reality is that I wake up each and every morning to the fact that I can't walk, like I did just a couple of minutes ago in my dream, that I can't jump out of bed, go for a run, have a quick shower, go to work or go shopping or whatever and go dancing in the evening, like other people. Instead I drag my unfeeling ass around all day until my arms and back are sore and there's no dancing, no running, no walking. It's just 'can't do', 'can't reach', 'can't feel', 'can't move'. It's like I'm stuck. And I feel so damned helpless…" he trailed off. He tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. "I just want to feel normal again, like any other guy. I don't want to have to worry about therapy sessions or pressure sores or bodily functions. I am so sick of it!"
Max felt her eyes get wet; she had never expected Logan to be that open. Why hadn't she realized in all those months how much he really hurt? She had been around him all the time, but it had taken her so long to make him open up. It had taken her so long to confront him about it. Of course, she had known that he hated the chair, that he felt trapped. But hearing it from him now tore at her heart. She knelt down and embraced him, tighter than ever. "Do you think I can help make things better?" she whispered, praying that she could.
He looked at her. "Make me feel normal again," he said with a sad smile.
Instead of answering, she leaned in and gave him a kiss. When they broke away from each other, she smiled slightly. "You've never not been that to me."
"That's a good start," he smiled. "Now can you convince me of that, too?" He reached around her waist and gently pulled her onto his lap. She let him hold her for a long time, sensing his need for human contact, before she moved again. "Do you think you're gonna be okay?"
He shrugged. "I don't know...I hope so. Just give me some time. And don't give up on me."
"Never. I swear. You just have to promise to be honest about your feelings."
He nodded. "I promise...or I'll at least try. If not, you're going to have to kick my ass every now and then, aiight?"
"You got it." She grinned, relieved. "And now do you think you're ready to go back? Chloe and Brennan are probably wondering where we are. Or do you wanna go home?"
"Let's go back find them. But I'd rather not stay too long. I'm really tired." He gently made her get up from his lap and manoeuvred the chair through the sand towards the path.
Max followed him. "I think they're in that pub over there."
**
When they entered the pub, the noise and all the people who were crowding around the small tables took them aback. They found Chloe and Brennan in the back corner and waved at them.
Max could immediately tell that Logan didn't feel comfortable, so she decided to make this as short as possible.
Chloe got up immediately and rushed towards them. "There you are! We've been worried. " She turned to Logan. "I'm...so sorry about that picture Logan...I didn't know it was in there. "
Logan forced a smile "It's okay Chloe. I guess I'm still quite touchy about it. I'm sorry I just left like that. It just kinda drove me over the edge."
"Listen, if you don't mind we're gonna call it a night and get a cab back home." Max didn't want Chloe to go into any more details right now. Logan had had enough of that for one day.
"Sure. Go ahead. I hope we'll find the time to meet again while you're here!" Chloe said, still a little worried.
"Yeah, I hope so." Max liked the couple and was sorry the evening had to end like this. She shook her hand warmly. Chloe looked at Logan, still a little insecure.
Logan tugged at her hand to draw her near into a hug. "Don't worry. I'm okay," he said, just loud enough for her to hear.
He quickly waved at Brennan who was still sitting back at the table mouthing his goodbyes and then quickly made his way back to the door. Before Max followed, she explained. "He just had to fight some demons tonight. But he's gonna be fine."
**
We hope you like it. There is a lot more going to happen, and some of it is written and waiting already. So keep reviewing and you are gonna be rewarded!!! This is how it works :- )))
Note: Steffi is on vacation and hence we are not able to write anything right now, but we are still a little ahead, so there are some more chapters waiting already. But for now: enjoy this one!!!
Digging Deep
Max ran out into the now chilly evening. Logan was nowhere in sight. She could hear the ocean in the background and suddenly knew she would find him there. She turned around the corner and ran down the small pathway leading to the beach. In the moonlight, she could make out his form in the distance. She slowed her steps as she neared him, but scanned her surroundings, relieved to notice they were alone.
Silently, she walked closer, shivering slightly, until she stood next to him. For a moment she just stared at the ocean with him, her arms crossed in front of her chest, hoping he would start to talk.
Logan sensed Max's presence next to him, but didn't dare look at her. He felt stupid for running away and at the same time he found it impossible to talk to anyone now, not even Max. The picture had brought back the memories of his parents' death with such a force. He couldn't understand why this picture had had such a strong impact on him. Probably this place, his grandmother, Chloe...all of this had built this strong link to those memories he had kept in the farthest corner of his mind.
"Do you want to talk?" Max asked tentatively, remembering her conversation with Beth about how Logan was used to bottling feelings up. She wasn't about to let him do that again. She had learnt that sharing pain made it easier to overcome. Logan just had never had a chance to learn that.
Logan stayed silent for another endless minute, fighting an inner battle. Part of him wanted to talk, to have Max understand his pain, but the other part kept telling him that it would be better, easier and over more quickly, if he brushed it off with a smart remark and kept on going like everything was okay. This was how things had worked out for him in the past, only that he had never really been happy, as he realized now.
Max understood his struggle and was willing to give him some time. Wordlessly she grabbed the back of his wheelchair and pushed him a little closer to the sandy beach, to a spot where she had discovered a bench under a big tree. She leaned over and set his brakes next to the bench and then sat down on it, holding her knees to her chest.
"You know, I never really had parents, and I can't relate to what it feels like to lose them. But I keep on wondering which is better, not to have any at all, so at least I can't lose them, or to be loved and love them back but eventually having to experience the pain of loss. But the more I thought about it, the more I figured I would have been willing to pay that price, to lose them. At least you know that you have been loved completely by someone in your life."
There was a long pause while both of them stared into the distance, the eternity of the ocean stretching out ahead of them, the waves rolling in with a soothing sound. It was so peaceful.
"I keep on thinking that I should have been on the plane with them," Logan finally said, looking over the dark water. Max sat there, holding herself tight, not really knowing how to comfort him. It was a terrible feeling.
"I mean, we were planning this trip...but I got sick, so I stayed at home with grandma..."
"You can't blame yourself for that, Logan," Max whispered.
"I had this terrible feeling after they left," he went on. "This feeling you sometimes have as a kid, that I hadn't said goodbye to them, like I should have. I had been angry and yelling at them because they wouldn't let me come, though I told them I was fine...' he trailed off, leaving it to Max to finish his thought.
Max shook her head. "Don't do this to yourself." Max slowly stretched out her hand. She was not quite sure if he wanted the contact so she put it on his thigh.
But Logan ignored her comment. If she wanted him to talk, she was going to get all of it. The fear, the doubt, everything. He looked down at her hand, resting on his unfeeling leg.
"The last thing I did was yell at them, Max!!" Logan said desperately and buried his face in his hand, the other one coming to rest on his thigh, only inches from Max's hand. "They just left me, never giving me a chance to apologize!"
Max moved her hand forward and gently entangled her fingers with his. "I'm sure they knew you didn't mean it. And they knew how much you loved them. I just have to look at you and I know..."
"Damn it, Max. Back then nobody cared how much I loved them. The only thing that mattered was who was going to get Dad's part of the company and I was just something they couldn't simply get rid of. They just left me all alone; there was nobody who wanted me!" He let out a sarcastic laugh, then his voice became softer, almost a whisper. "I hated them for leaving me, Max. I was so mad at them."
"Your grandparents wanted you..." Max said hesitantly. She was not sure if she should tell Logan about the conversation she had had with Beth the night before.
Logan shook his head. "They never even called me." Then he looked at Max, surprised. "How do you know?"
"You remember the conversation I had last night with your grandmother." It was more of a statement than a question.
"What did she tell you?" he asked tonelessly, his eyes half closed.
"She said that they tried to reach you all the time, after you had gone to live with Jonas, but he refused to let them talk to you...or see you, most of the time. " She felt very uncomfortable breaking this to him. This was something his grandmother should have told him, not her.
He swallowed hard, a tear escaping his eye. He angrily brushed it away. "That doesn't matter now anyway. I had to grow up with Uncle Jonas, who never accepted me, let alone loved me. And he still doesn't. I have always been the black sheep, and by landing in this damn steel trap I just proved that again."
Max shook her head at his reaction and looked down at her feet, trying to gather her thoughts. "What does being the black sheep of the family have to do with getting shot?" she finally asked bluntly.
"I could never stand up to his expectations, and look at me now, I can't even stand up. How am I supposed to ever be accepted like this??" He angrily brushed her hand off his thigh. "I can't even FEEL that!!"
"Logan, come on. Those people are complete idiots. They're not worth your company. They would never accept you, chair or no chair. No matter what you did or how hard you tried, they'd always find something to hold against you, anyway," she said angrily.
He laughed. "God, I feel like running, and I can't even do that. Can you imagine what that's like, when you're stuck like this?" He finally looked at her, his eyes full of pain and turmoil.
Max shivered and felt her heart sting. "Don't run, Logan. Fight it out. Not for them, or for anybody else, but for you!" she said firmly, taking his hand again.
"I can't do that, Max. It hurts too much."
"It will hurt you even more if you go on like this. It will eat you up from the inside."
Logan bit his lip to fight back the tears that were threatening to fill his eyes. "I'm not sure I can do this..." he shook his head.
Max knew she had gotten to him. "I'm here, you don't have to go through it alone."
She looked deep into his eyes, willing him to trust her.
Logan nodded, but his eyes didn't convey any conviction. "That's good to know. But in the end it'll be on me to sort things out. I just don't know how to start."
"Just do it, doesn't matter where you start. I know I can't take the burden from you, but at least I can help carry it. That's all I'm asking for."
He snorted. "So tell me. How are you gonna do that?"
Max shrugged, still looking straight at him. "Listen," she stated. When she saw him look at her incredulously, she continued. "Apparently you are not familiar with that concept, or why else would you need an X-5 to explain it to you? Logan, I promise, it helps to share pain, believe me, I have plenty of experience. Do you think I told you all about my childhood and the other shit just because you were curious?"
Logan let out a deep sigh. "I've always been told that it makes you a stronger man to ignore pain or keep it inside. " He didn't need Max to tell him that this was complete bullshit, but it was hard to get rid of a habit you had been indoctrinated with.
"Aren't you just trying to tell me that you hated the way you had to grow up? Don't tell me you agree with this wretched idea." Max was close to trying another tactic to make him talk; she knew how hot-tempered he could be. Maybe making him angry would help?
"I don't agree with it! But that doesn't mean I can just turn a switch in my head and all of the sudden completely forget about the way I used to process and deal with things all of those years!" he exclaimed.
"Damn it, Logan! The way you've dealt with things so far doesn't seemed to have worked, so just get it into your stubborn head that there might be better ways!" She grew frustrated. She wanted nothing more than to help him, and it wore at her nerves that he was not willing to open up.
"No Max! You don't get me!" Logan shouted back. "I know there are better ways and I do wish I could get all those freaking memories and all the confusion and frustration out of my head, to be able to feel and see myself clearly again, but it just doesn't work like that!" He shook his head again.
"Bling told me a thousand times to just let it out. Scream a little, whatever. I just couldn't get myself to do it!
"Give it a shot! That's all I'm asking for. It can't be so hard to just tell me what it was like."
Max was not about to give up just yet.
Logan turned his head away from her.
"It's like there's a fist in your chest and your stomach, pulling tighter and tighter, choking you and squeezing your guts, but you can't even scream for help. The words just won't come out of your mouth. So you just swallow them until they form a big lump in your stomach and make you sick. "
From the desperate tone in his voice, Max realised how deep his wounds really were. All the anger she had felt seconds ago vanished. She suddenly felt nothing but sympathy, maybe even pity. "I want to help you, Logan. Let me do that, please."
"So I guess that would involve talking, huh." Logan said, trying to lighten the mood. But actually he was scared. Scared of what he knew her answer would be and scared of what would happen if she succeeded in getting through to all those bundled up feelings.
"I'm afraid so," she lovingly smiled at him. She could clearly see the fear in his eyes, but she wanted so badly to let him know he didn't have to be afraid of her, a killing machine. She snorted inwardly. She was demanding quite a bit here.
Logan ran his hands over his face. "So, where do I start?" he asked insecurely. This felt so silly. But at the same time he knew, Max was right. If he wasn't going to break with his old habits right here and now, he probably never would.
"How about at the beginning?" Max caught a movement a long distance away. Focusing her eyes she could make out Brennan and Chloe. They probably only saw the two figures as shadows, but they waved at them, making a sign they were going to a bar next to the restaurant and Max quickly waved back,
"That would be where?"
"What was it like to be forced to live with your uncle?"
Logan sighed. "Like I said, I hated to be left alone. And I hated the way Jonas seemed to have an answer to everything. After my parents had died, he told me everything would be okay, so it was. He said I would be having a great time, living at his house, so I had a great time. He said I would learn to love my cousins like my brothers, so I did. He said I'd be in the hockey league, so after some months I was. He said I would marry a nice and well-to-do woman, so I did. Only it still wasn't good enough for him! I did everything he asked for, but it just wasn't good enough.
He shook his head in disbelief.
"But you know he got it all wrong, don't you?"
Yeah, but what was I supposed to do? I always hoped that one day, I'd do something just right. I was so desperate to please him that I didn't want to see how stupid that was."
"What about Margo? Or Bennett?"
Logan let out a harsh laugh. "Margo didn't want me in the house in the first place. She just 'accepted' me around, because Jonas wanted it. ...And Bennett, he was okay. He was basically the only one who ever mentioned my parents again after the funeral. He was the one who stood up for me, when I had done something to outrage his father. "
"Things didn't get better when you left for college?"
"Oh yes, they did, kind of. I got to do what I really wanted to do for the first time. I dropped law school after a semester and changed to journalism. Jonas hit the ceiling when he found out about it." Logan smiled wickedly at the thought.
There was a long pause while both of them were trying to process what had just been said. The wind was blowing stronger now and Logan zipped up his jacket completely.
Max knew she would have to bring up the next issue; Logan probably would avoid it. But there was something else he had never worked out, and Max wasn't sure she would ever again get him to talk so openly.
"You know, after the shooting," she started hesitantly. "What...I mean, gosh, Logan. How did you make it?"
Logan was torn from his thoughts of college by her sudden question. He hadn't been prepared for her to change the subject that quickly. He felt the urge to run away again. It was hard enough speaking about his childhood, but this was so much more present.
He looked out over the ocean, trying to figure out what to say.
"Logan?"
He turned his head abruptly, as if waking from a daze, and looked at Max, now suddenly standing in front of him, waiting for an answer. When he could not hold her gaze any longer, he looked down at his hands again. "Sorry. What did you say?" he asked, buying more time to work out an answer.
"Tell me about the shooting. How did you feel? How did you deal with it?"
He stared into the distance, and then slowly started to talk.
"When I woke up in the hospital a couple of days after the shooting, I was in a daze. My head was clouded and I couldn't quite remember what had happened. I noticed that I couldn't feel my legs, but I just attributed that to the fact that I was still in a daze and they'd be back, as soon as the fog in my head cleared. When they finally told me what had happened and what was the actual reason why I couldn't feel my legs, I just laughed. Yeah, Max, I laughed at them. This couldn't be, right?!? It was just going to be a couple of days and I would be up and walking again. Because that's the way it was supposed to work." He drew in a sharp breath. "It just didn't!"
Max felt a lump rise in her throat. He had been through so much and she had been such a coward, not showing up when she knew he had been miserable. No she had rather waited until he was back home, fine, strong.
He shook his head. "Fact was, I couldn't do anything; I couldn't walk, I couldn't stand, I couldn't even sit up in my bed, because each time I tried, I would get sick and dizzy and tumble over..."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. Suddenly her own emotions were overwhelming her.
"I spent the first week or so concentrating all my senses on wishing to die," he continued in a toneless voice.
"I'm so sorry." She felt tears build up in her eyes.
"Then Bling came along, started to kick my ass, dragging me out of bed each goddamn morning, when I didn't know how to survive another day and pushing me to start fighting again." He laughed bitterly. "It was more like I was fighting him, though."
Max was afraid of her next question, but for her own peace of mind, she had to ask it anyway. "Logan, do you blame me?" her voice was barely a whisper.
He looked up, totally taken aback by her question. "You?? Why should I blame you? You didn't shoot me, did you?"
A tear ran down her cheek. "But you asked me to help you, and I refused. If I had been there..."
"You'd probably have gotten yourself shot. No, Max, I'd never think about blaming you!" he said more softly now, shocked to see her cry.
"I'm still so sorry. I was such a jerk back then. I wish I could undo it, Logan. I'm so sorry." With that, she sat down in his lap, embracing him tightly.
He closed his arms around her, burying his face in her hair, feeling her warmth and drawing comfort from it.
"There's nothing you could have done. I knew how dangerous the situation was and still I went for it. If anybody could have prevented what happened, then it's probably me." He sighed.
"Logan, what you did back then was a good thing. Don't ever forget that." She caressed his neck. "Lauren and her daughter are alive because of you."
"Yeah," he said sarcastically "Two saved lives for a couple of lost ones and a blown out spine."
Max was silent. She didn't know how to ease the pain. She couldn't think of anything appropriate.
Logan shook his head to himself. "The whole operation was too risky. I shouldn't have let Lauren and Sophie get involved in the first place...and Peter."
"You know that this is wrong. You did the right thing, Logan!" She squeezed his hand. "And Peter voluntarily joined you, because he believed in your fight. He was willingly taking the risk."
Logan desperately shook his head. "You know what I sometimes think? That it is arrogant and ridiculous to think I can make a difference. I'm so tired."
Max leaned back so she could look at him. "You know what? If you're honest with yourself, you know very well why you're still fighting as Eyes Only. Because you're making a difference! And if you're tired, this is not about Eyes Only, this is because you haven't dealt with your situation. You need so much strength to make yourself believe this doesn't affect you, that you're fine. You have to accept reality, then you can move on with a clear mind."
"The reality that innocent people died because of my arrogance or the reality that I'll be stuck in this chair for the rest of my life?!" he asked angrily, letting go of her.
Max got up and looked down at him. "The part about your arrogance being responsible is crap, but apart from that that's just what I'm trying to break to you. You have to face it! There might be ways to get you back on your feet, or there might not be, but you still have a life ahead of you that is worth living. You have to look for the positive side again!"
"Oh, great!" he snarled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Really, Max! I don't need you to tell me what to do or how to feel. It's so much easier said than done and you don't have the slightest idea whatsoever how hard it is for me to face my f****** reality!" He was so angry now. He was sick and tired of people telling him to accept fate, to deal with things or think positively. It was not like he wasn't trying-or hadn't been trying the whole time.
"Yeah, you're right! I don't know a thing about how you feel. Because you shut me, like everyone else, out and keep pushing me away! Tell me about your reality!!"
Logan gritted his teeth. "My reality is that I wake up each and every morning to the fact that I can't walk, like I did just a couple of minutes ago in my dream, that I can't jump out of bed, go for a run, have a quick shower, go to work or go shopping or whatever and go dancing in the evening, like other people. Instead I drag my unfeeling ass around all day until my arms and back are sore and there's no dancing, no running, no walking. It's just 'can't do', 'can't reach', 'can't feel', 'can't move'. It's like I'm stuck. And I feel so damned helpless…" he trailed off. He tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. "I just want to feel normal again, like any other guy. I don't want to have to worry about therapy sessions or pressure sores or bodily functions. I am so sick of it!"
Max felt her eyes get wet; she had never expected Logan to be that open. Why hadn't she realized in all those months how much he really hurt? She had been around him all the time, but it had taken her so long to make him open up. It had taken her so long to confront him about it. Of course, she had known that he hated the chair, that he felt trapped. But hearing it from him now tore at her heart. She knelt down and embraced him, tighter than ever. "Do you think I can help make things better?" she whispered, praying that she could.
He looked at her. "Make me feel normal again," he said with a sad smile.
Instead of answering, she leaned in and gave him a kiss. When they broke away from each other, she smiled slightly. "You've never not been that to me."
"That's a good start," he smiled. "Now can you convince me of that, too?" He reached around her waist and gently pulled her onto his lap. She let him hold her for a long time, sensing his need for human contact, before she moved again. "Do you think you're gonna be okay?"
He shrugged. "I don't know...I hope so. Just give me some time. And don't give up on me."
"Never. I swear. You just have to promise to be honest about your feelings."
He nodded. "I promise...or I'll at least try. If not, you're going to have to kick my ass every now and then, aiight?"
"You got it." She grinned, relieved. "And now do you think you're ready to go back? Chloe and Brennan are probably wondering where we are. Or do you wanna go home?"
"Let's go back find them. But I'd rather not stay too long. I'm really tired." He gently made her get up from his lap and manoeuvred the chair through the sand towards the path.
Max followed him. "I think they're in that pub over there."
**
When they entered the pub, the noise and all the people who were crowding around the small tables took them aback. They found Chloe and Brennan in the back corner and waved at them.
Max could immediately tell that Logan didn't feel comfortable, so she decided to make this as short as possible.
Chloe got up immediately and rushed towards them. "There you are! We've been worried. " She turned to Logan. "I'm...so sorry about that picture Logan...I didn't know it was in there. "
Logan forced a smile "It's okay Chloe. I guess I'm still quite touchy about it. I'm sorry I just left like that. It just kinda drove me over the edge."
"Listen, if you don't mind we're gonna call it a night and get a cab back home." Max didn't want Chloe to go into any more details right now. Logan had had enough of that for one day.
"Sure. Go ahead. I hope we'll find the time to meet again while you're here!" Chloe said, still a little worried.
"Yeah, I hope so." Max liked the couple and was sorry the evening had to end like this. She shook her hand warmly. Chloe looked at Logan, still a little insecure.
Logan tugged at her hand to draw her near into a hug. "Don't worry. I'm okay," he said, just loud enough for her to hear.
He quickly waved at Brennan who was still sitting back at the table mouthing his goodbyes and then quickly made his way back to the door. Before Max followed, she explained. "He just had to fight some demons tonight. But he's gonna be fine."
**
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