Disclaimer: As usual
A/N: Enjoy
The Evening After the Pier
Max flopped down on her bed, sprawling out like a cat. "Man, I'm tired!" She finished her stretching and turned around to watch Logan enter the room slowly. "It was a great day, but now I'm actually ready for bed!" she smiled. Logan pulled off his shirt and examined his shoulder. "Still looks a little bruised but at least better than a few days ago, don't you think?"
"Did you have Brennan check it?"
Logan shrugged. "No, actually we forgot about it. But I think it's gonna be okay."
"You shouldn't mess with it," Max warned him, but he was old enough to take care himself, and if she tried to talk him into something, they would probably end up fighting.
Even though they had only been in this relationship for a couple of days, she felt like she knew Logan much better.
"I know, but it feels much better already. And I'm not planning to do any heavy weight-lifting or anything right now." He smirked at his remark for he knew that his everyday routine, including transferring, was probably worse than working out.
"Whatever." Max shrugged.
"So, who's first in the shower?" Logan asked, enjoying the sight of Max sprawled out on the bed in front of him. The dress fell loosely around her perfect body and the already low neckline fell a little lower in that position.
"You can go ahead," Max lazily mumbled her eyes half closed.
Logan sighed, tearing his eyes away from her, and then wheeled towards the bathroom. "I'll be back in a minute," he said." Don't fall asleep while I'm in there! We said we wanted to talk about what to do next!"
Max listened to the sounds coming from the other room. Knowing he was there made her feel comfortable and happy. But she also felt confused. They had never talked seriously about where this was going, and about whether or not it was going to get serious.
Logan let the hot water run over his shoulders and back, slowly relaxing in the soothing warmth. The day had been full of ups and downs and of happy and bad moments he didn't really want to replay in his head right now. He'd rather let this day end with a pleasant talk and a little cuddle with his new girlfriend-he smiled at the thought- rather than being reminded that they were on the run and had to figure out a plan of where to go from here.
Whatever, he thought. It had to be done. Better get it over with as soon as possible!
He turned off the water and dried himself quickly. Then he pulled on some shorts and a T-shirt and went back to their room.
Max restlessly paced the room. She put her clothes in a neat stack on the desk under the window, and eventually went to the kitchen to get some juice. In the fridge, she found an open bottle of wine and on impulse took it out. She was sure Beth wouldn't mind. She also got two glasses and found a candle in the living room. She grinned to herself. Never thought I could be the romantic type.
Shaking her head, she returned to the room and put everything on the desk, throwing the clothes in the closet. She didn't hear the water running anymore, so Logan must be almost finished.
When Logan returned from the bathroom, he was taken aback by the soft glow of the candle. "Wow, what's going on here?"
He could see a bottle of wine and two glasses on the nightstand.
Max blushed slightly. "I felt like it. I've been a girlie girl all day, so I thought, why stop now?."
Logan grinned widely. "Well, I'm beginning to like that girlie girl, you know!"
"Don't get used to it too much," Max responded.
"Don't worry!" he smiled, and then moved closer, so he was directly in front of Max. "I don't want to be a dope - again - but we have to talk about what we're gonna do now about..."
He reached for her hand hesitantly, indicating that he really didn't want to discus this right now.
"Yeah," Max sighed. "But we have to get out of this mess, somehow."
She sat down on her bed opposite Logan.
"So first of all I'll contact Matt in the morning to make sure he got hold of the dealer in Seattle. Maybe he can provide us with some information on what's going on in the business right now."
Logan started reluctantly.
"Then I'm gonna call Bling, just to let him know that we're alive and…whatever. He can inform Cindy, so she doesn't have to worry."
"Great. …Can't you do one of your hacks to find more information?"
"Sure, I can try that, but I'd have to be careful so they can't track us down again. I'll call Matt first, though, from a public phone to find out which direction I'm going. Maybe he has been able to squeeze something out of this dealer in Seattle."
"Okay, guess there's not much we can do until we know more."
"I don't think we should stay here too long, though. We wasted too much time here already, putting my family in danger. I don't want them to find us here." Logan said, a worried look on his face.
"Yeah, you're right. But as long as they don't have your abilities to get information, I don't think they'll find us easily. But I guess better safe than sorry." Max sighed. "Too bad; I like it here."
"Yeah," Logan played with Max's fingers, lost in thought. "Me too. I feel at home for the first time in...I don't know...years?"
"Can we come back here after this is over?" Max looked at him with big eyes. She reminded him of a little girl with those pleading eyes.
Logan chuckled. "After this is over. Sure, why not?"
"You know, I was wondering," She shifted uncomfortably, watching his fingers caressing the back of her hand. "I mean, we haven't really talked about...you know...this is kinda new for me and..." She looked up at him, lost.
Logan raised his eyebrows. "This? You mean family? Or..." he paused in search of the right word. "Or...us?"
Max nodded shyly. "I haven't really been in a relationship; I wasn't made for anything like that. So maybe I just haven't been programmed to be able to..."
Logan shook his head in disbelief. "Max! Don't be stupid. Nobody is 'programmed' to have good relationships! They just happen."
He took her hand and entwined his fingers with hers "It's just something everybody has to figure out, learn how things work... and it's different with each new partner."
"And what is it we have?" She was frustrated; she couldn't put a finger on what was going on.
Logan hesitated for a second, stunned by her direct question.
"I...we ...we have been through so much together. We trust each other, keep each other's secrets. You have been there for me and I've tried to be there for you whenever I could." He drew in a deep breath, not sure whether to go on, but Max was still sitting there patiently waiting for him to finish his answer. "...and for my part...I have loved you from the day you came sneaking into my penthouse." He looked at her shyly, hoping that she wouldn't bail at his confession.
Max swallowed; she had not expected this. Her heart was pounding in her ears; he probably could hear it. "Logan, why haven't you told me?" She was at a loss for words.
Logan snorted. "As in, I've tracked down this smuggler ring that's been shipping all of those kids to wherever...and, oh, by the way, I love you?!" He ran his hand through his hair. "I didn't know how, okay? Especially not after...you know. Some part of me also might not have wanted to admit it," he added, noticing that he must have sounded quite harsh.
"God, you always have all the right answers, you know?! I can't believe you didn't tell me." Only then did she realise that it hadn't been much different for her. Maybe she hadn't exactly been sure that she was in love, and she had denied the feelings just as hard as he had. How could she blame him?
Logan looked down at his hands. "Maybe I didn't actually want to because I was afraid you would turn me down...I mean, we were business partners and we became friends, but I didn't honestly dare to think that you'd see more in me." His voice became quieter with each word until it was barely above a whisper.
"Why would you think that?" Max's voice was just as low; he could barely hear her.
Logan shrugged. "Because I'm clearly not playing in your league. I mean, you're a perfect super soldier, enhanced in all aspects, and an incredibly beautiful human being." He paused, checking her reaction.
Max shook her head in disbelief, ready to respond.
"I would have felt stupid asking you to pick me out of all those perfect, healthy, strong, young guys out there." He made a gesture, indicating the wide variety from which Max could choose.
Max shook her head, more vigorously now. "God, Logan. How can you think I'm that shallow? I honestly don't care about your "issues". This is a part of you, just like your stubbornness, your tendency to be a workaholic, your altruism, your gentleness." She felt as if she were in one of the prePulse soap operas she had watched with Logan. "Do you seriously think I would have continued to drop in here only because you feed me? I'm sorry I never came up with the courage to tell you, but I didn't think you, of all people, would have wanted to be with a killing machine! "
Logan looked up in surprise. "You're no killing machine, Max! That's just what Manticore wanted you to think. If anything, you're the best cat burglar I've ever met," he teased her. Then his expression became serious again. "I always knew that you'd never harm me or anybody else by your own choice, and Manticore's not in control now. Now it's just you. It's Max Guevara I'm talking to, not X5-452."
Max smiled at him. Her head down, she looked up at him through her thick lashes. "You really think that?"
"Yes, definitely," Logan said with conviction.
Max nodded, unable to say anything. Nobody had ever believed in her like this before, at least not anybody who knew her history.
Logan wheeled closer to the bed and set his brakes. "Can I join you?" he asked, motioning towards the spot next to her on the bed.
"Sure." She moved a few inches so he had room to transfer and then watched him. She honestly didn't understand why something like a wheelchair should stand in their way.
When he was seated beside Max, Logan pulled her into his arms.
"You know this is gonna be kind of new for both of us..." he said after a while.
Max was only able to nod; her feelings nearly overwhelmed her. She had never felt so safe. She enjoyed every single second of having his arms around her. She felt protected; for once she didn't have to be the tough soldier. She knew she could let her guard down with Logan, and he wouldn't think less of her.
After a while, Max started to yawn and she felt like she would fall asleep any minute. She straightened up in Logan's embrace and rubbed her eyes. "I think I'm gonna go for a quick wash and brush my teeth before I fall asleep." She got up and headed for the bathroom.
Logan watched her leave the room and sighed contently. Then he shifted on the bed, pulled his legs up and lay back comfortably. He felt tired but relaxed, knowing that Max would be sleeping by his side. Moments later, he felt her warm body snuggle up beside him. Through a haze he felt her fingers caressing his chest. She was playfully drawing lines and circles onto the fabric of his shirt. He opened his eyes to meet hers then shut them again so he could enjoy her touch. when he no longer could feel her fingers, he opened his eyes and squinted at her. Her fingers were playfully venturing deeper now. She was still doing what she had been doing before.
"You know I can't feel it there, don't you?" Logan asked insecurely, watching her move along somewhere below his belly button.
Max drew her hand away abruptly. "I…oh…No….I…mean, I didn't know…. Sorry," she stammered.
Logan took her hand and put it back where it had been before. Max wrinkled her brow and gave him a desperate look. She felt stupid and didn't know what to do.
"No, it's okay. If you like to do that, go ahead," Logan said calmly. "I just need you to know that it's lost on me."
Max hesitantly pushed up his shirt a little. "Tell me where," she demanded, resting her hand on his belly.
Logan shot her a questioning look, then pushed himself up on one elbow and pulled up his shirt a little further so she could see better. Then he drew an invisible line across his lower abdomen.
"Here…and about the same level at the back…a little lower maybe." He looked up at her expectantly. He was a little insecure now how she would react.
Max' gaze was wandering back and forth between the invisible line and his face, her lips pressed together tightly. She took a moment to let it sink in. She had never really thought about it. She felt a wave of compassion flow through her and she hoped it didn't show in her eyes. Then she leaned down and placed a row of soft kisses along the line that Logan had just shown her. It was hard for her to grasp what it was like to have no feeling at all below that point.
She could vaguely imagine not being able to move but not being able to feel was beyond her imagination. It was even more difficult since she could feel his warm, smooth skin under her lips. She could feel him, but he just couldn't feel her?
All of a sudden, Logan chuckled slightly, tearing her away from her thoughts. Max raised her head, startled. "What's so funny?" she asked, confused. Logan tried to keep a straight face.
"Nothing, it's just that all the lost feeling seems to be bundled up at that point. So I'm extremely sensitive there…and ticklish."
Max let out a sigh and lay down to snuggle with her head against his chest. She could feel the warmth radiating from his body and could hear his steadily pounding heartbeat.
"Sorry."
Logan put his arm around her and wiped a lock of stray hair out of her face. "It's okay. Don't worry."
Max relaxed again and continued caressing her lover's chest.
"Logan?" Max broke the silence after a while.
"Yeah?" Logan answered sleepily.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Go ahead," he mumbled.
"If you don't feel anything below…that line…does that mean…that you…can't…I mean…feel…"
Logan opened his eyes again and stared straight ahead. He knew where she was heading and he knew he'd have to tell her sooner or later.
"I'm afraid, that's what it comes down to," he sighed, hoping that Max wouldn't ask any further questions.
Max closed her eyes and hugged him really tightly. She felt him stiffen in her arms.
She let go and searched for his hand. "I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry I brought it up. I didn't mean to upset you," she whispered.
Logan sighed. Whatever, he thought. So this is what she meant by 'talking'.
"No, you were right to bring it up. We need to talk about such things. And …I'm sorry Max." He turned his head away in embarrassment.
Max let go of his hand, sensing his need for a little moment of distance now. "We'll find other ways," she whispered.
Logan nodded and closed his eyes, fighting down the embarrassing feeling that formed a lump in his throat.
Max stood up to blow out the candle, then she climbed back into bed. She wriggled the blanket out from underneath them, carefully lifting up Logan's legs to free it. Then she spooned him from behind, pulling the blanket over them. She gently put her arm around his waist and placed a soft kiss on the back of his neck. "We'll work something out. Just have to be a little creative," she said confidently.
As an answer, Logan took hold of her hand and placed it firmly onto his stomach where he could feel it. The warmth of her touch and her breath on his neck made him relax noticeably. He was incredibly glad that Max didn't seem to have any problems accepting the things his spinal cord injury brought about.
She'd just adjust to it. No bitter sentiments, no regrets, just acceptance. He closed his eyes tightly and exhaled. A fragment of a prayer his grandmother had always said when he was a child flashed through his mind: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. And maybe Max can give me a share of her optimism, he thought before he drifted into a dreamless sleep.
***
Logan awoke early in the morning to Max stroking his back. He groaned slightly when her fingers passed his strained shoulder muscles. He squinted at his watch and sank back into the pillows.
"It's half past five, Max." he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut again.
"I couldn't sleep," came her voice from behind him. Logan yawned and pulled the blanket up higher.
"Can I see it?" Max asked out of the blue. Logan turned his head and squinted at her.
"See what?" He wasn't fully awake yet so he couldn't figure out what the heck she was talking about.
"Your scar," Max asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure if that was a stupid thing to ask of him, but she had been up all night thinking, replaying their relationship from day one, trying to imagine how the past months had been for him and pondering how the shooting had not only changed him but also his whole life. She felt like this was a missing piece of the puzzle she had been working on all night.
"What for at this ungodly hour?!" he asked, unnerved.
"I have been thinking about it all night. Can I see it?" Max insisted.
Logan sighed and pushed himself up on his left elbow. Then he pulled his T-shirt up a little. "Go ahead if you have to. It's not a nice sight though." He let Max pull the shirt up further and lay back down on his side waiting for her reaction. He heard her suck in some air.
Max traced her fingers over Logan's back, first along the uneven scar next to his spine where the bullet had entered, then followed the slim white line the first surgery had left, and finally over the small but prominent line of red tissue from the recent surgery. It was not as bad as Max had imagined, but it was there, a constant reminder of that awful day, easier to hide than his paralysis, but somehow more "in your face".
"Are you done?" Logan asked, irritated, pulling his shirt back down again. It made him uncomfortable that she was examining the ugly reminders of that day so closely.
Max moved closer to him, searching for his scruffy face. "Thank you for letting me see them. Is...I mean…did they fix it for good this time? No more shifting fragments?"
Logan snorted. "I hope so! I wasn't planning on going under the knife again!"
Max nodded. "Logan?"
"Yes?!" he said, a little impatiently, fearing what her next attack on him would be.
"I know you don't like pity, but I need you to know that I'm incredibly sorry for everything you had to go through and I wish I could take some of the burden from you. Make it right again, make it undone." Her voice trailed off until it was almost a whisper. Tears were filling her eyes now and she didn't fight them back anymore.
Logan turned to lie on his back and looked at her, his beautiful angel watching over him. He wiped a tear from her cheek. He knew this wasn't pity. This was compassion. She was feeling for him, suffering with him, willing to help him carry the burden.
"You can't make it undone but you can certainly make it right again." He placed his hand on the back of her neck and drew her close into a long desperate kiss, willing all the bad feelings to go away.
TBC…
It is getting more exciting and happy! Just keep hanging in there!
Thanks to Alaidh for her betaing.
And MERRY CHRISTMAS to everybody!
A/N: Enjoy
The Evening After the Pier
Max flopped down on her bed, sprawling out like a cat. "Man, I'm tired!" She finished her stretching and turned around to watch Logan enter the room slowly. "It was a great day, but now I'm actually ready for bed!" she smiled. Logan pulled off his shirt and examined his shoulder. "Still looks a little bruised but at least better than a few days ago, don't you think?"
"Did you have Brennan check it?"
Logan shrugged. "No, actually we forgot about it. But I think it's gonna be okay."
"You shouldn't mess with it," Max warned him, but he was old enough to take care himself, and if she tried to talk him into something, they would probably end up fighting.
Even though they had only been in this relationship for a couple of days, she felt like she knew Logan much better.
"I know, but it feels much better already. And I'm not planning to do any heavy weight-lifting or anything right now." He smirked at his remark for he knew that his everyday routine, including transferring, was probably worse than working out.
"Whatever." Max shrugged.
"So, who's first in the shower?" Logan asked, enjoying the sight of Max sprawled out on the bed in front of him. The dress fell loosely around her perfect body and the already low neckline fell a little lower in that position.
"You can go ahead," Max lazily mumbled her eyes half closed.
Logan sighed, tearing his eyes away from her, and then wheeled towards the bathroom. "I'll be back in a minute," he said." Don't fall asleep while I'm in there! We said we wanted to talk about what to do next!"
Max listened to the sounds coming from the other room. Knowing he was there made her feel comfortable and happy. But she also felt confused. They had never talked seriously about where this was going, and about whether or not it was going to get serious.
Logan let the hot water run over his shoulders and back, slowly relaxing in the soothing warmth. The day had been full of ups and downs and of happy and bad moments he didn't really want to replay in his head right now. He'd rather let this day end with a pleasant talk and a little cuddle with his new girlfriend-he smiled at the thought- rather than being reminded that they were on the run and had to figure out a plan of where to go from here.
Whatever, he thought. It had to be done. Better get it over with as soon as possible!
He turned off the water and dried himself quickly. Then he pulled on some shorts and a T-shirt and went back to their room.
Max restlessly paced the room. She put her clothes in a neat stack on the desk under the window, and eventually went to the kitchen to get some juice. In the fridge, she found an open bottle of wine and on impulse took it out. She was sure Beth wouldn't mind. She also got two glasses and found a candle in the living room. She grinned to herself. Never thought I could be the romantic type.
Shaking her head, she returned to the room and put everything on the desk, throwing the clothes in the closet. She didn't hear the water running anymore, so Logan must be almost finished.
When Logan returned from the bathroom, he was taken aback by the soft glow of the candle. "Wow, what's going on here?"
He could see a bottle of wine and two glasses on the nightstand.
Max blushed slightly. "I felt like it. I've been a girlie girl all day, so I thought, why stop now?."
Logan grinned widely. "Well, I'm beginning to like that girlie girl, you know!"
"Don't get used to it too much," Max responded.
"Don't worry!" he smiled, and then moved closer, so he was directly in front of Max. "I don't want to be a dope - again - but we have to talk about what we're gonna do now about..."
He reached for her hand hesitantly, indicating that he really didn't want to discus this right now.
"Yeah," Max sighed. "But we have to get out of this mess, somehow."
She sat down on her bed opposite Logan.
"So first of all I'll contact Matt in the morning to make sure he got hold of the dealer in Seattle. Maybe he can provide us with some information on what's going on in the business right now."
Logan started reluctantly.
"Then I'm gonna call Bling, just to let him know that we're alive and…whatever. He can inform Cindy, so she doesn't have to worry."
"Great. …Can't you do one of your hacks to find more information?"
"Sure, I can try that, but I'd have to be careful so they can't track us down again. I'll call Matt first, though, from a public phone to find out which direction I'm going. Maybe he has been able to squeeze something out of this dealer in Seattle."
"Okay, guess there's not much we can do until we know more."
"I don't think we should stay here too long, though. We wasted too much time here already, putting my family in danger. I don't want them to find us here." Logan said, a worried look on his face.
"Yeah, you're right. But as long as they don't have your abilities to get information, I don't think they'll find us easily. But I guess better safe than sorry." Max sighed. "Too bad; I like it here."
"Yeah," Logan played with Max's fingers, lost in thought. "Me too. I feel at home for the first time in...I don't know...years?"
"Can we come back here after this is over?" Max looked at him with big eyes. She reminded him of a little girl with those pleading eyes.
Logan chuckled. "After this is over. Sure, why not?"
"You know, I was wondering," She shifted uncomfortably, watching his fingers caressing the back of her hand. "I mean, we haven't really talked about...you know...this is kinda new for me and..." She looked up at him, lost.
Logan raised his eyebrows. "This? You mean family? Or..." he paused in search of the right word. "Or...us?"
Max nodded shyly. "I haven't really been in a relationship; I wasn't made for anything like that. So maybe I just haven't been programmed to be able to..."
Logan shook his head in disbelief. "Max! Don't be stupid. Nobody is 'programmed' to have good relationships! They just happen."
He took her hand and entwined his fingers with hers "It's just something everybody has to figure out, learn how things work... and it's different with each new partner."
"And what is it we have?" She was frustrated; she couldn't put a finger on what was going on.
Logan hesitated for a second, stunned by her direct question.
"I...we ...we have been through so much together. We trust each other, keep each other's secrets. You have been there for me and I've tried to be there for you whenever I could." He drew in a deep breath, not sure whether to go on, but Max was still sitting there patiently waiting for him to finish his answer. "...and for my part...I have loved you from the day you came sneaking into my penthouse." He looked at her shyly, hoping that she wouldn't bail at his confession.
Max swallowed; she had not expected this. Her heart was pounding in her ears; he probably could hear it. "Logan, why haven't you told me?" She was at a loss for words.
Logan snorted. "As in, I've tracked down this smuggler ring that's been shipping all of those kids to wherever...and, oh, by the way, I love you?!" He ran his hand through his hair. "I didn't know how, okay? Especially not after...you know. Some part of me also might not have wanted to admit it," he added, noticing that he must have sounded quite harsh.
"God, you always have all the right answers, you know?! I can't believe you didn't tell me." Only then did she realise that it hadn't been much different for her. Maybe she hadn't exactly been sure that she was in love, and she had denied the feelings just as hard as he had. How could she blame him?
Logan looked down at his hands. "Maybe I didn't actually want to because I was afraid you would turn me down...I mean, we were business partners and we became friends, but I didn't honestly dare to think that you'd see more in me." His voice became quieter with each word until it was barely above a whisper.
"Why would you think that?" Max's voice was just as low; he could barely hear her.
Logan shrugged. "Because I'm clearly not playing in your league. I mean, you're a perfect super soldier, enhanced in all aspects, and an incredibly beautiful human being." He paused, checking her reaction.
Max shook her head in disbelief, ready to respond.
"I would have felt stupid asking you to pick me out of all those perfect, healthy, strong, young guys out there." He made a gesture, indicating the wide variety from which Max could choose.
Max shook her head, more vigorously now. "God, Logan. How can you think I'm that shallow? I honestly don't care about your "issues". This is a part of you, just like your stubbornness, your tendency to be a workaholic, your altruism, your gentleness." She felt as if she were in one of the prePulse soap operas she had watched with Logan. "Do you seriously think I would have continued to drop in here only because you feed me? I'm sorry I never came up with the courage to tell you, but I didn't think you, of all people, would have wanted to be with a killing machine! "
Logan looked up in surprise. "You're no killing machine, Max! That's just what Manticore wanted you to think. If anything, you're the best cat burglar I've ever met," he teased her. Then his expression became serious again. "I always knew that you'd never harm me or anybody else by your own choice, and Manticore's not in control now. Now it's just you. It's Max Guevara I'm talking to, not X5-452."
Max smiled at him. Her head down, she looked up at him through her thick lashes. "You really think that?"
"Yes, definitely," Logan said with conviction.
Max nodded, unable to say anything. Nobody had ever believed in her like this before, at least not anybody who knew her history.
Logan wheeled closer to the bed and set his brakes. "Can I join you?" he asked, motioning towards the spot next to her on the bed.
"Sure." She moved a few inches so he had room to transfer and then watched him. She honestly didn't understand why something like a wheelchair should stand in their way.
When he was seated beside Max, Logan pulled her into his arms.
"You know this is gonna be kind of new for both of us..." he said after a while.
Max was only able to nod; her feelings nearly overwhelmed her. She had never felt so safe. She enjoyed every single second of having his arms around her. She felt protected; for once she didn't have to be the tough soldier. She knew she could let her guard down with Logan, and he wouldn't think less of her.
After a while, Max started to yawn and she felt like she would fall asleep any minute. She straightened up in Logan's embrace and rubbed her eyes. "I think I'm gonna go for a quick wash and brush my teeth before I fall asleep." She got up and headed for the bathroom.
Logan watched her leave the room and sighed contently. Then he shifted on the bed, pulled his legs up and lay back comfortably. He felt tired but relaxed, knowing that Max would be sleeping by his side. Moments later, he felt her warm body snuggle up beside him. Through a haze he felt her fingers caressing his chest. She was playfully drawing lines and circles onto the fabric of his shirt. He opened his eyes to meet hers then shut them again so he could enjoy her touch. when he no longer could feel her fingers, he opened his eyes and squinted at her. Her fingers were playfully venturing deeper now. She was still doing what she had been doing before.
"You know I can't feel it there, don't you?" Logan asked insecurely, watching her move along somewhere below his belly button.
Max drew her hand away abruptly. "I…oh…No….I…mean, I didn't know…. Sorry," she stammered.
Logan took her hand and put it back where it had been before. Max wrinkled her brow and gave him a desperate look. She felt stupid and didn't know what to do.
"No, it's okay. If you like to do that, go ahead," Logan said calmly. "I just need you to know that it's lost on me."
Max hesitantly pushed up his shirt a little. "Tell me where," she demanded, resting her hand on his belly.
Logan shot her a questioning look, then pushed himself up on one elbow and pulled up his shirt a little further so she could see better. Then he drew an invisible line across his lower abdomen.
"Here…and about the same level at the back…a little lower maybe." He looked up at her expectantly. He was a little insecure now how she would react.
Max' gaze was wandering back and forth between the invisible line and his face, her lips pressed together tightly. She took a moment to let it sink in. She had never really thought about it. She felt a wave of compassion flow through her and she hoped it didn't show in her eyes. Then she leaned down and placed a row of soft kisses along the line that Logan had just shown her. It was hard for her to grasp what it was like to have no feeling at all below that point.
She could vaguely imagine not being able to move but not being able to feel was beyond her imagination. It was even more difficult since she could feel his warm, smooth skin under her lips. She could feel him, but he just couldn't feel her?
All of a sudden, Logan chuckled slightly, tearing her away from her thoughts. Max raised her head, startled. "What's so funny?" she asked, confused. Logan tried to keep a straight face.
"Nothing, it's just that all the lost feeling seems to be bundled up at that point. So I'm extremely sensitive there…and ticklish."
Max let out a sigh and lay down to snuggle with her head against his chest. She could feel the warmth radiating from his body and could hear his steadily pounding heartbeat.
"Sorry."
Logan put his arm around her and wiped a lock of stray hair out of her face. "It's okay. Don't worry."
Max relaxed again and continued caressing her lover's chest.
"Logan?" Max broke the silence after a while.
"Yeah?" Logan answered sleepily.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Go ahead," he mumbled.
"If you don't feel anything below…that line…does that mean…that you…can't…I mean…feel…"
Logan opened his eyes again and stared straight ahead. He knew where she was heading and he knew he'd have to tell her sooner or later.
"I'm afraid, that's what it comes down to," he sighed, hoping that Max wouldn't ask any further questions.
Max closed her eyes and hugged him really tightly. She felt him stiffen in her arms.
She let go and searched for his hand. "I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry I brought it up. I didn't mean to upset you," she whispered.
Logan sighed. Whatever, he thought. So this is what she meant by 'talking'.
"No, you were right to bring it up. We need to talk about such things. And …I'm sorry Max." He turned his head away in embarrassment.
Max let go of his hand, sensing his need for a little moment of distance now. "We'll find other ways," she whispered.
Logan nodded and closed his eyes, fighting down the embarrassing feeling that formed a lump in his throat.
Max stood up to blow out the candle, then she climbed back into bed. She wriggled the blanket out from underneath them, carefully lifting up Logan's legs to free it. Then she spooned him from behind, pulling the blanket over them. She gently put her arm around his waist and placed a soft kiss on the back of his neck. "We'll work something out. Just have to be a little creative," she said confidently.
As an answer, Logan took hold of her hand and placed it firmly onto his stomach where he could feel it. The warmth of her touch and her breath on his neck made him relax noticeably. He was incredibly glad that Max didn't seem to have any problems accepting the things his spinal cord injury brought about.
She'd just adjust to it. No bitter sentiments, no regrets, just acceptance. He closed his eyes tightly and exhaled. A fragment of a prayer his grandmother had always said when he was a child flashed through his mind: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. And maybe Max can give me a share of her optimism, he thought before he drifted into a dreamless sleep.
***
Logan awoke early in the morning to Max stroking his back. He groaned slightly when her fingers passed his strained shoulder muscles. He squinted at his watch and sank back into the pillows.
"It's half past five, Max." he mumbled, squeezing his eyes shut again.
"I couldn't sleep," came her voice from behind him. Logan yawned and pulled the blanket up higher.
"Can I see it?" Max asked out of the blue. Logan turned his head and squinted at her.
"See what?" He wasn't fully awake yet so he couldn't figure out what the heck she was talking about.
"Your scar," Max asked hesitantly. She wasn't sure if that was a stupid thing to ask of him, but she had been up all night thinking, replaying their relationship from day one, trying to imagine how the past months had been for him and pondering how the shooting had not only changed him but also his whole life. She felt like this was a missing piece of the puzzle she had been working on all night.
"What for at this ungodly hour?!" he asked, unnerved.
"I have been thinking about it all night. Can I see it?" Max insisted.
Logan sighed and pushed himself up on his left elbow. Then he pulled his T-shirt up a little. "Go ahead if you have to. It's not a nice sight though." He let Max pull the shirt up further and lay back down on his side waiting for her reaction. He heard her suck in some air.
Max traced her fingers over Logan's back, first along the uneven scar next to his spine where the bullet had entered, then followed the slim white line the first surgery had left, and finally over the small but prominent line of red tissue from the recent surgery. It was not as bad as Max had imagined, but it was there, a constant reminder of that awful day, easier to hide than his paralysis, but somehow more "in your face".
"Are you done?" Logan asked, irritated, pulling his shirt back down again. It made him uncomfortable that she was examining the ugly reminders of that day so closely.
Max moved closer to him, searching for his scruffy face. "Thank you for letting me see them. Is...I mean…did they fix it for good this time? No more shifting fragments?"
Logan snorted. "I hope so! I wasn't planning on going under the knife again!"
Max nodded. "Logan?"
"Yes?!" he said, a little impatiently, fearing what her next attack on him would be.
"I know you don't like pity, but I need you to know that I'm incredibly sorry for everything you had to go through and I wish I could take some of the burden from you. Make it right again, make it undone." Her voice trailed off until it was almost a whisper. Tears were filling her eyes now and she didn't fight them back anymore.
Logan turned to lie on his back and looked at her, his beautiful angel watching over him. He wiped a tear from her cheek. He knew this wasn't pity. This was compassion. She was feeling for him, suffering with him, willing to help him carry the burden.
"You can't make it undone but you can certainly make it right again." He placed his hand on the back of her neck and drew her close into a long desperate kiss, willing all the bad feelings to go away.
TBC…
It is getting more exciting and happy! Just keep hanging in there!
Thanks to Alaidh for her betaing.
And MERRY CHRISTMAS to everybody!