5/18
Why did Keiji have to get a girlfriend? Everything is going wrong...For the first time, I tried to indirectly tell him how I feel, but he didn't catch on. He seemed really distant...Hmm. I've got nothing left now...Maybe it would just be easier if I killed myself. I've never mentioned it before, because I was afraid someone would find my diary unattended and read it, but...I know it wouldn't hurt to slit my wrists. I started cutting myself half-way through junior high. That's why I don't wear short sleeves anymore. I used to just cut the first layer of skin on my fingertips until all ten of my fingers were rough from the small cuts. Actually, it tickled, which I found strange. Then I used an exacto knife. I still used it when I moved to my wrist, and even then, the cuts were still only one layer of skin. Later, it got to the point of bleeding, and I was using a box cutter. I didn't have much room on my wrist, so I moved to my arm. It doesn't hurt to use a box cutter, for some reason...You don't feel a thing. I tried stopping once, because I wanted the scars to fade as much as possible before summer, but that only made it worse, and when I started again, I was cutting more than my arm. I totaled over seventy cuts on my wrist, arm, stomach, and legs, but I've slowed down a ton. After everything now, I've got twenty fairly new cuts on my arm...
Also, when I got home, I wrote a poem;
I call it "Always and Forever."
You dont love me
You dont care
And I'm sure you'd
Rather share
Your love, your heart
With some other girl,
Though if I could,
I'd give you the world
You were my life,
My strength, my will to go on,
But now, I see,
And my hopes are gone
I let my guard drop,
I let myself believe
That this might be right, and
It was me that I deceived
I loved your hair,
I loved your clothes,
I loved your eyes,
And I'm the only one that knows
That it was all a waste,
And to myself, I've lied
I've loved for nothing,
And the tears I've cried
Will not erase
The pain and sorrow
Not today,
And not tomorrow
Not now,
And not ever
But I will love you,
Always and forever
"Hoshiko..." Her mother knocks on the door.
"Yeh?" She shoves her diary and pencil under her pillow.
"Can I talk to you?" she asks, in the small voice she inherited when Hoshiko's father left home.
"Sure."
"Your cousin, Ai."
Ai is Hoshiko's cousin, and closest friend. He's about seventeen, and Hoshiko has always looked up to him. Ai had left for the war, four months ago, and it makes her sad to be so far away from him.
"What about him?" she demands anxiously.
"He...he...I've just been told, he was killed and...I'm so sorry, Hoshiko!" she chokes out through tears, then leaves.
5/18
No...This has to be an awful nightmare...It can't be real...(crying) Ai was killed in the war, and...Why can't I wake up? Wake up...Wake up...This can't be happening...(sobs) I just wish I would die already...