Chapter Five
5/19
I've had enough. After Tuesday's concert, after I look Keiji in the eye one last time, I'm done. I don't want to live this life anymore, so I'll take it from myself...Everyone says, "Oh, suicide is so cowardly and selfish," without a second thought. Cowardly. Can you imagine slitting your wrists, then watching all the blood spill out onto the floor, watch the room spin and fade to black without fear? Sure, it is selfish, but so is wanting someone to live, wanting to control their life. Neither one is quite fair...Neither one is more or less selfish than the other. That's how I see it, anyway.
"Hoshiko, it's 7:25...You better get to school soon."
"No school, Mom...It's Saturday."
"Right...okay. Sorry."
5/19
Mom's a complete mess. She can't think straight anymore, not since a couple days ago, when Dad left home. She poured chocolate syrup all over her rice last night and nearly ate the first bite without a glance. I don't know how she'll manage when I'm gone...She can't cook worth crap anymore, everything's just...blah...
I'm a mess, but not quite so careless as Mom. I can't get Keiji off my mind, not since yesterday morning. I wont ever be able to stop loving him, and I should have known it would turn out this way...But I can't help it. I'm young and stupid. If I can only see him and me together in my dreams, I wish it upon myself to never wake again.
Hoshiko slams her diary shut and flings it across the room in frustration. She throws her pencil upward so that it sticks in the ceiling, the eraser pointing downward. She gets up off her bed and sits at the desk in front of the computer in her bedroom. Pulling open Microsoft Word, she types up a poem:
The thoughts in my mind
Had settled like dust
I knew it was a long shot,
But with my heart, I'd trust
That you'd be the True,
The Light, the One
I gave it my all,
But now I'm done
I knew it would be
One way or the other,
And whether you choose me,
Or another,
I would always love you,
And I would always care,
Though the pain was great,
And the bliss just wasn't there
My hopes were pretty high,
But it didn't turn out right,
And it's more than I can bear;
You and her, just the sight
Without you, I'm nothing
A shadow, soft and weak
And the pain I feel
Is too great to speak
So closing my eyes,
Breathing in deep,
I'm taking my own life,
And the memory of me...I pray you'll keep