A/N:  OKAY!  This is a big deal.  Book five…well…threw us off in major ways.  We've come to a very important conclusion:

We COMPLETELY disregard ALL evidence put forth in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. 

Just thought we needed to make that perfectly clear.  This fic is based on books one through four ONLY.  Okay?  Okay.

Mondo Disclaimer Thingy:  JKR owns the setting.  We own the plot, Chantel, Chrissy, Professor Theosphania Lollio, Perry Mifflebey, Vanessa (no last name…hm, we oughta get on that), Juno Frese, Eurydice Ramsey, Professor McBride, Amelia Black, Jessica, Anna, Kipper, Kippette, the Kips, Lily Junior (cat), Pamela Vancouver, Eva Sinclair, Quinn Baker, Michael Daehn, Ella Bourassa, Lena Riley, Tommy Rillton, Irene Hamilton, Brittany Morrison, Brendan Christenson, Harvey Locksmire, Lynn Hartwith, Nick Johnson, Elsie, Sarah Abbot, Robert Archy, Orpheus Berry, Lotus Bone, Eva Ingsa, Robert Marley, Miriam Forsythe, Geoff Thatcher, Paul, Julie, Jess, William Baxter, Julia Thomas, Calabrese Opera Witches, Professor Mace, Adam Morse, Mr. Lyons, Professor Machiavelli, Professor Trombley, Professor Davis, Professor Gadani,  Elric LaFarge (the bigmouth), Cindy Lemmon, Kim Blessed, Brian Faulkner, Pratik Tyzack, Laura Seed, and Milo Castle.

You get a cookie if you actually read through all that.

Lily Chapter 70

"I suppose you're all getting very tired of hearing this," Dumbledore said over breakfast in the Great Hall, "But we have a new Divination teacher!  Not to mention Herbology.  It seems as if Professors Trombley and Lollio have chosen to…elope.  So I suppose it would be more appropriate for me to refer to them as Professors Trombley and Trombley now.  Ah, well, no matter.  Professor Davis will be filling in for Professor Trombley. The first one, I mean."  A tall, husky, blonde woman wearing grey robes stood up and bowed briefly to bored applause.  Dumbledore nodded to her and she sat back down.  "And filling in for the second Professor Trombley, formerly known as Lollio, will be the aptly named Professor Sprout."  Several students giggled at her name and her slightly grubby appearance as the young witch acknowledged them. 

Everyone went back to their breakfasts, except James, who was flipping through his Quidditch playbook and muttering to himself.  "Prongs," Sirius said, plunking a plate of pancakes down on top of the playbook, "You're obsessed."

"Yeah, loosen up a little," Remus said.  He speared a piece of pancake on a fork and held it up to James's face. 

"But the finals-" James protested, but Remus shoved the pancake into his mouth as soon as he opened it to talk.

"Are on Monday night," said Lily.  "And today's Friday.  There's plenty of time left to figure out how to kick Ravenclaw's butt, okay?"

James's mouth was too full to talk.  He stood up and pointed at the team, sitting nearby.  "Prffss hnnit!"  And with that, he stormed out of the Great Hall with his playbook. 

They all sat and tried to decipher what "Prffss hnnit" meant.  The general consensus was that he was informing them that there was "practice tonight," and they weren't about to risk his anger by not being there, practice or no. 

And they were right, apparently, because by the time Michael Daehn, the last one to arrive, trotted out onto the field with his broomstick, James was developing a twitch in his left eye.  "Where.  Have.  You.  BEEN???"

Michael picked up the Quaffle and tossed it into the air.  "Ease up, Potter, you didn't even tell us what time it'd be."

"Do I have to tell you everything?"  Nobody answered.  "Fine!  Let's get down to business, and I don't care if we're practicing until tomorrow morning!" He motioned for everyone to sit down around the miniature model of the Quidditch pitch that Lily had given him for Valentine's Day.  Seven of the players were wearing red robes, and seven were in blue.  He poked two of the blue players.  "Now, Ravenclaw has VERY strong Beaters.  They do most of the work on the team, and that's because their Keeper…" James lightly tapped another blue player with his wand. "Is completely rubbish at his job.  They need their Beaters to have a monopoly on the Bludgers in order to have any hope at defense.  So basically, we need to train Eva and Harvey until we can't train them any more.  All right?  All right.  Let's GO!" 

Lily sat in the stands and watched.  Sulked, really, is more the word for what she was doing.  Despite her initial reluctance, she now missed playing Quidditch, and after what James had just said, it was unlikely that she'd even get a chance to practice before the finals.  Not that there would be any reason for her to, as Harvey and Eva were a legendary duo on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and James wasn't about to change anything.  Lily hummed to herself and fiddled with the hem of her Quidditch robes as the rest of the team flew around above her.  James cruised around in search of the Snitch, but he looked over to Lily, waved, and flew to her.  "Hey."

"Mm." She gave him an indifferent sort of smile. 

"You're mad about something."

"It's nothing."

"If it's something, it's not nothing."

"Shut up."

He rolled his eyes.  "Lily, I know it's kind of strange that you're not practicing with us, but it's the last one before the finals.  We need to get the plays together with the team as it's going to be in the game, ok?"

"Yeah…" she leaned back and put her elbows on the bench behind her.  "I get it.  Still gets to me, though." 

"My fault.  I made you practice this summer," he grinned.

"Right, you got me addicted to Quidditch."  Lily waved him off with a smile.  "You go play.  Slaughter Ravenclaw on Monday, but before that, let's sneak out and relax in Hogsmeade."

"Sounds good to me."

"Something that explodes!" Sirius yelled.  "I need something explosive!!!" 

"You don't need anything more than you've already got," Remus said.  "Your fireworks started to go off under your bed the other night, could've woken the whole Tower up!"

"Really?  I didn't hear anything," Sirius said absently.

"That's because you wear earplugs in your sleep so you can't hear Wormtail snoring," James joked, shoving Peter playfully with the arm that wasn't around Lily's shoulders. 

Sirius groaned.  "I'm serious, I need a bomb or something!"

"We know your serious, Sirius."  Peter said. 

"PLEASE!"  Suddenly, Elric LaFarge, a seventh-year Ravenclaw boy, materialized next to them.  "That was almost as bad as Will Baxter's jokes," he said, a look of contempt on his face.  "And definitely worse than your Quidditch playing, Potter."

James scowled.  "What are you doing here, Elric?"

"Someone...some Gryffindor, probably…stole my Quidditch robes for a joke.  Professor Machiavelli gave me permission to come here to buy a new set."  He drew his bushy black eyebrows together in confusion.  "While we're at it, what are you doing here?" 

Everyone exchanged looks that must have looked very peculiar and suspicious to Elric.  "None of your business," Sirius growled. 

"What, are you going to make something explode on me?  Give it up."  He whirled on Remus.  "Where's Juno?"

Remus's face went red.  "Probably back at the school, why do you ask?"

He shrugged his broad shoulders.  "Well, Potter brought his girlfriend…" His eyes made a quick visit to Lily's chest while he kept talking to Remus.  "Figured you'd have brought yours."

James, Sirius, and Peter gawked.  Elric obviously did not know what he'd said.  "She's not my girlfriend," Remus said tensely.

"Yes she is.  My sister's been screeching about it for weeks."

"Your sister?" 

"Yeah.  Vanessa.  Don't tell me you're that blind – Vanessa LaFarge?  Elric LaFarge? We kind of have the same last name."  He gave them a terribly condescending look.  "She's sure not blind.  She's pretty jealous, too.  I pissed her off yesterday and she tried to strangle me…you'd better be afraid, Lupin." 

Sirius's eyebrows had disappeared into his low-hanging bangs.  "Well, well, well."

Remus glared at Elric.  "Great.  Thanks for the warning."

"Nothing but the almighty truth from me," Elric said, grinning and walking away.  "To everyone," he added. 

There was a long pause.  Lily stared at the ground, and everyone else stared at Remus.  He looked back at Elric's retreating figure and mumbled, "I wonder if that was a threat…"

"Threat?  You're worried about a threat?"  Peter shrieked.  "There are other things for you to be worried about right now!"

"Like what?" Remus snapped.

"Hmm, where do I begin?  First of all, Vanessa has very long nails.  She could do some damage," Sirius offered.

"Plus, now we sort of know that you've been snogging Juno."

"Yeah.  Not a good thing, Moony."

Lily spoke up.  "So what?  If they've been going out, they've been going out.  Doesn't really make any difference now…"

There was yet another long silence, but this time, everyone was watching Lily.  "You knew about it, didn't you?" James said finally. 

"N-no…"

"Yes you did," Remus said bitterly.  "Juno must have told you.  This is great.  Juuust great."  He started off toward Honeyduke's, presumably to go back to Hogwarts, but stopped and shouted back, "Sirius, don't you DARE buy anything that explodes!!"

Professor Davis glanced disgustedly around the Divination room on Monday.  "Why are these walls teal?"

Juno was sitting with her head miserably resting on the table.  She raised her hand and spoke in monotone.  "Because Professor Trombley wanted them to be."

"Well, he's not here anymore."  She drew her wand.  "Propimachi!"  Instantly, the walls changed to match the color of her (now light blue) robes.  "There's a useful little decorating charm for you.  Except for that one time that I used it in a bathroom.  Everyone knew when I was taking a shower."

The class's collective eyes grew to the size of crystal balls as they tried to decide whether she was kidding or not. 

"All right.  Now, Dumbledore tells me that Professor Trombley had been using a lot of Herbology-based Divination with you.  I'm not surprised, considering that little horticulture tart he ran off with."  She adjusted her robes uncomfortably.  "Can you believe I paid three Galleons to get this stupid outfit fixed up?  And it still bunches around…well…you'll see what I mean when I turn around, now won't you?"

"What the…?"

Professor Davis turned and trained her oddly set blue eyes on Vanessa, who had spoken.  "What the what, Miss…" she consulted a seating chart. "Miss LaFarge?  What the hell, perhaps?  I really don't like people who don't finish their sentences.  You know, my first husband was like that.  That could be why I moved out.  He made me leave the poodle, though, but that's all right with me, because that dog used to do the worst things to people's legs at parties…My second husband was a different story altogether, though.  Got all the way to the honeymoon before I noticed a ruddy great Dark Mark on his left forearm.  Ah, well, the twelve hours I was married to him were pretty good." 

Lynn Hartwith looked like she was going to cry, and Lily didn't blame her.  Professor Davis was even a disappointment for those of them who hadn't had a freakish crush on Professor Trombley. 

"Quinn?" 

It was the pre-game practice. 

"Quinn?"

Tempers were running high.

"Quinn, can you hear me?"

But Quinn Baker was low. 

"Quinn, if you can hear me, blink."

Very low.  Grass-level, in fact.  As they had been practicing, a purple bird had flown out of nowhere and smacked Quinn in the side of the head. Now he was lying on the grass just outside the locker room, twiddling his thumbs and humming, gazing past the team, who was gathered around him. 

"He's completely out of commission," Lena Riley said. 

"No!"  James said desperately.  He reached down and pulled Quinn up by his robes' collar, propping him up against the locker room door.  "You're FINE!" he shouted into his face.  Quinn's hazel eyes still didn't focus, and the stupid smile didn't disappear from his slightly freckled face.  In frustration, James pulled out his wand, pointed it at the wound under Quinn's cinnamon-colored hairline.  "Reparo.  REPARO!  REPARO REPARO REPARO!!!"

It took the entirety of the Quidditch team to wrestle the wand out of James's hand and convince him that Reparo was only used for objects.  "Look," said Brendan Christenson, "Eva and I will walk him to the Infirmary.  But there's no way he'll be ready to play before the game."

"But…that means…" James looked helpless.

All the faces were somber.  "Forfeit," Michael whispered, his eyes down. 

"We can't play with six people," Eva said as she and Brendan started to march Quinn away. 

James pointed around at everyone, counting.  "But there are seven, minus Quinn." 

"No, there's six.  Seven players on a team, one gone, that means six, Potter."

"Great.  He's finally gone barmy," Harvey said. 

"Too many playbooks…"

"Listen!"  James stood up, regaining his dignity.  "There's seven:  Michael, Brendan, Eva, Lena, Harvey, me…and Lily."

Lily shook her head immediately.  "No.  No bloody way.  I can't Chase.  I'm a Beater."

"No, you're a reserve," Eva said rudely. "That means that you'd better be ready to do whatever we damn well need you to do, and right now we damn well need you to be a Chaser."

"Look, Lena and I can really handle most of it," said Michael.  "You won't have to do so much, just be the extra person.  You can catch, right?  And throw?  That'll be enough."

Lena threw the Quaffle at Lily.  "Whaddya say, eh?  More girl Chasers than boys.  It'll be fantastic."

Lily looked down at the large red ball in her hands, then around at the pleading eyes of everyone (except Quinn, who still had not blinked).  She didn't know what to say.  "Would you get him to Madam Pomfrey?"  She demanded.  "God knows what all those Reparo spells did to his brain."

Harvey continued doggedly.  "Will you play?"

She squeezed the Quaffle and wondered if she'd ever be able to get through this game.  "Sure, whatever." 

James let out a whoop of joy.  He grabbed her and lifted her into the air, spinning around.  "Lily, I could just kiss you!" 

"After the game, Potter," she said grouchily.  "You owe me."

"I do.  I owe you.  Anything you want, and it's yours, trust me." He kissed her frantically.  "But for now, just go play."

They practiced for about ten more minutes, everyone nervously giving Lily pointers, until the Ravenclaw team took over.  When it was finally time to play, the teams formed up on the field.  A tiny purple bird, exactly like the one that had hit poor Quinn in the head, circled Lily a few times, then landed on her shoulder.  "You know, it's all your fault," she muttered to it.  "I can't Chase.  We're going to lose the game because of you.  James is going to go bonkers."

Much to Lily's shock, the bird replied in a tiny voice,  "Jeez, I'm sorry, my daddy said it was lots of fun being a bird, so I decided to give it a try…he never told me how to fly, though, just how to get around that mirror place he's always talking about."  It hopped down to her broom handle and changed swiftly into a purple blob of slime.  "Can you forgive me?"

Lily goggled at the purple thing.  "You're a shape-" But she was interrupted by the whistle signaling for the game to start, and the Quaffle flying right up in front of her face. Instinctively, she reached out and grabbed it. 

"And the Quaffle is taken by Lily Evans of Gryffindor!  But she isn't moving…c'mon, Evans, goalposts are THAT way!  What's Evans doing with the bloody Quaffle anyway?  I thought she was a Beater.  No matter, she hasn't got it anymore…ooh, and neither has Lena Riley, had to drop it to duck that Bludger aimed at her head, nice Bludgerwork by Elric LaFarge.  Here comes Cindy Lemmon of Ravenclaw with the Quaffle…no goals scored yet…"

As the commentary continued, Michael and Lena gestured for Lily to stay near the Gryffindor end of the pitch.  Galling though this was, she stayed, pretending to know exactly what strategy they were running. 

"Ooh, looks like the reserve player's been benched again," taunted Elric, flying a little too close for comfort.  "But you don't look as pissed off this time, that's for sure."  His eyes once again flicked idly down to Lily's chest.  "Shame.  You're kinda cute when you're angry." Elric had a special gift for being benevolent, annoying, and flirtatious all at once.

She rolled her eyes.  "Are you hitting on me or playing Quidditch?"

"Oh, see, I'm very talented, Leelee.  I can do a lot of things at once."  He smiled so hugely that his hairline crinkled, and used his Beater's club to edge her robes up her leg. 

Lily grabbed the club away and hit his knuckles with it.  "I'm going out with James, you idiot!" she yelled as she flew off and decided to be of some use as a Beater. 

"What in the name of…" Ella's voice was surprised.  "All right, about a thousand things are happening, everyone!  Evans steals LaFarge's club and starts whacking a Bludger towards Kim Blessed and Brian Faulkner of Ravenclaw, they stop their Quaffle relay and scatter, Michael Daehn is right there to get the Quaffle, he brings it up the field…and he scores!!...at the same time that Ravenclaw Seeker Laura Seed sees the Snitch and runs for it, it doesn't look like Potter's going to get there in time; he's at the other end of the field…this could be a quick game…OH!"

Suddenly, a Bludger came out of nowhere and knocked Laura Seed in her slender midriff.  She doubled over on the broomstick, her sandy blonde hair falling into her face.  Every eye in the stadium turned to Pratik Tyzack, the other Ravenclaw Beater, who had enigmatically hit his own teammate with a Bludger as she was about to catch the Snitch. 

Pratik's mouth was hanging open.  He was blushing, looking around apologetically at all of the boo'ing fans, and pointing at Lily.  "I meant to hit her," he shouted.  "I wanted to get Elric's club back!  I didn't mean to hit Laura!"

"Very nice," Ella said bitterly.  "We're sure Tyzack will sleep easy tonight knowing he very well might have lost his team the game.  The game's been timed-out.  They're making Evans give LaFarge his club back.  Good move, though I'm still in the dark as to why she's Chasing this match.  But here goes Kim Blessed with the Quaffle, Harvey Locksmire pursuing her a little vehemently, wonder if it's because she dumped him last week, in any case, he doesn't get there in time – ten points for Ravenclaw!"

"All tied up, Leelee," Elric said in a singsong voice.  "Well, that's how I like it, anyway." he let loose another one of those innuendo-filled grins from his tanned face and flew away. 

Lily would've hit him if Lena hadn't passed the Quaffle to her right at that moment.  "Don't panic!" James called.  "The Keeper's about as bad as Peter's breath – just put the ball through the hoop!"

"I HEARD THAT, POTTER!" shouted Milo Castle, the Keeper in question.  But despite his indignation (or perhaps because of it), he soon proved James right – he let Lily score on him with very little struggle.  He made a rude hand signal at James and continued to loop sullenly around the goalposts.

Ten minutes later, Elric and Pratik, too, had held true to their reputations.  Gryffindor had only scored once more, where Ravenclaw had gotten the Quaffle past Brendan three more times, making the score Gryffindor – 20, Ravenclaw – 40.  The game was running long, but feverish, with a lot of Beating action.  Even Lily, her mind dizzy with the cognitive shift from Beating to Chasing, could appreciate the fact that they were putting on a good show. 

"This game has been a Beater's duel so far!" yelled Ella Bourassa, her voice already growing hoarse.  "The Bludgers are like a good luck charm with Beaters like these.  Ouch, no more Quaffle for you, Lemmon!  Locksmire's fantastic use of that club is throwing a monkey wrench into Lemmon's works right now…"

Elric roared, "Why would anyone want to throw his monkey wrench into her works???" and took a powerful swing at the other Bludger.  It streaked down the field to where Michael held the Quaffle, but Michael was too quick for it: he threw the big red ball to Lily just in time to swerve out of the Bludger's way.  Lily tucked it under her arm and put on some speed, staying relatively low to the ground - her fear of heights had not yet totally dissipated, and she was beginning to feel a little queasy. 

All of a sudden, the noise from the crowd swelled to an oppressive volume.  Ella shrieked, "Potter's seen the Snitch!  Potter's seen the Snitch!  He's diving for it now!  Seed is on his tail, but she's not going to even come close…AND HE'S CAUGHT IT!  JAMES POTTER CATCHES THE GOLDEN SNITCH!  GRYFFINDOR WINS THE QUIDDITCH CUP!!!!"

The Snitch clutched tightly in his fist, James rose above even the goalposts for his victory lap (with the whole team on his tail, as usual).  The team landed and was immediately engulfed by a tide of fans, and McGonagall bringing the Cup to them.  Lena, Eva, and Brendan, being seventh-years, were completely overwhelmed – Eva even forgot their enmity and hugged Lily. 

The night progressed in a blur of cheers and red and gold and butterbeer and candy and small explosions in the Gryffindor Common Room.  Quinn sat off to the side, a magical ice pack held against his head, while various people came up to him and related highlights of the game.  Judging by the way his eyes kept going out of focus, though, he wasn't hearing much of it.  "Madam Pomfrey said he'd be back to normal by morning," Michael whispered hurriedly to James when Quinn began to have an in-depth conversation with a bit of firewood. 

"Well, that's encouraging."  James took a sip of his butterbeer and gave Lily his signature half-smile.  "Then again, Quinn never was quite normal…this ought to be an improvement, eh?" He put his arm around her shoulders as they sat on the sofa. 

Lily closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest.  "I'm so tired...we should be getting to bed soon.  Whose idea was it to have the Quidditch Cup on a Monday night?"

"Probably the same teachers who'll let us off on Tuesday.  Don't worry about it, Lil!" Juno sat down on the arm of the couch and laid back across both their laps.  "Stay up as late as you want.  This is a party!"

Lily pushed Juno playfully off the couch.  "You're just in a good mood because you and Remus are official now."

"Yeah, that helps," Juno said, popping a Fizzing Whizbee into her mouth.  "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a snogging appointment.  With my boyfriend.  BOYFRIEND!  Ahhahha!" 

The blue armchair to their right edged nervously closer to them and changed swiftly into a large blue tropical plant.  "Can't risk having that loony sit on me, can I?" it said. 

Lily groaned.  "Kipper…I think we've found another shape-shifter.  It almost killed Quinn during practice today."

"Really?" Kipper Shifted into a blue cat and perched on the arm of the sofa, right where Juno had been.  "Well, I'm not that surprised.  Kippette actually came from a shape-shifter colony…I'm surprised I'd never come across it.  Thousands of 'em, it's really quite fabulous.  What color was the one that seems to have murderous intent towards your Chaser, hmm?"

"Purple," James answered immediately. 

"Great.  Got a mirror?"

Lily pointed over the mantle. 

"Back in a flash with the culprit!" He disappeared through the mirror. 

James looked confusedly at Lily.  "How do you know that bird was a shape-shifter?"

"It apologized and turned into a purple glob just before the game."

"Ah." 

Two minutes later, a rather large piece of pink confetti landed on Lily's head.  It was swiftly followed by a handful of purple confetti, and a large blue flake, as well.  They scattered and settled on the empty couch cushion.  The blue one and the pink one turned into a boy and a girl, wearing dress robes of their respective colors. 

James said, "Did you find out who it was?"

Kippette smiled grimly and held up the purple confetti.  "We have a few…ahem…options, shall we say?"

"Quite.  Options.  The entirety of our first litter, in fact," Kipper said.

"Litter?"

"Yes indeed.  It could have been Kippo," Kipper began, and one of the pieces of confetti turned into a purple bird and hopped to the arm of the couch.

"Kiptonia," said Kippette.

"Kippessia." 

"Kipper, Jr."

"Kippson."

"Kipless."

"Kippen."

"Kipple."

"Kippeth."

"Kippington."

"Kippamere"

"Kippa."

"Kippola."

"Kippy."

"Kip."

Fifteen purple birds now sat conspicuously all over the couch.  Lily and James stared open-mouthed at them.  "How long have you two been married?"

"Today's Monday the third, right?  We've been married since May 14…that means …" Kipper turned into a blue calculator.  "Thirty-one minus fourteen, plus three…twenty days." 

"And you already have fifteen babies??" Lily exclaimed. 

"No, silly, shape-shifter litters come in even numbers.  We still haven't gotten to…"

The last piece of purple confetti exploded from Kippette's hand as a purple bird, identical to its brothers and sisters.  It zipped across the common room, upsetting three trays of party food, shattering a bottle of butterbeer, and finally getting tangled in the curtain behind them.  Kipper pulled it out of the curtain and set it on his knee, where it grinned as sheepishly as a bird can.  Kipper and Kippette looked at each other and said at the same time, "Aloysius."