ACT TWO
(Yukari walks out onstage, now wearing a long blonde wig and a pink tutu with a white shirt)
Yukari: (looks around) Hey, where's 'Tomi? (strolls backstage to look for her friend. After a long pause, there is a bloodcurdling scream as she hurtles back out, covered in scratch marks and clutching her head as the Narrator streaks after her, now wearing a yellow pillowcase, a tail, and large floppy cat ears.)
Narrator: THAT'S MY SAILOR MOON WIG! GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
( They both run offstage. Meanwhile, a black-haired boy in samurai armor strolls in with Hitomi from the back of the audience)
Van: You suck, Hitomi.
Hitomi: I just saved your life, moron.
Van: (stops and ponders this for a moment, while Hitomi walks on) Nah . . . you suck anyway.
Hitomi: Don't make me hurt you.
(Darien runs in from backstage, wearing an I'm With Stupid T-shirt along with the rest of his samurai costume)
Darien: LORD VAN! (dives in to hug Van, who dodges, and he gets Hitomi instead)
Hitomi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
Van: Wow, this is like the most traumatizing experience of my life.
Hitomi: (faints)
Darien: (prods Hitomi with plastic samurai sword) She okay?
Van: Who cares? (together, they pull Hitomi up and onto the stage, which now looks like a small village, with a castle in the background. Van and Darien seem to be straining themselves greatly, sweating, and breathing heavily, barely able to lift Hitomi off of the ground)
Van: (dropping Hitomi unceremoniously on the ground) Good God! What does she EAT!?
Hitomi: (coming to) Blood . . . Death . . . Destruction . . .
Van: Oh. No wonder.
Hitomi: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA! (faints)
Van: You first.
(an African-American girl, skinny and pigtailed and wearing red armor, strolls out carrying a bunch of matches and a can of hair spray painted black and labeled FLAMMTHROWR.)
Dilandau: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(sneezes mid-laugh) YOU WILL ALL DIE!
Van: (disgusted look) What, of SARS?
Random Newsguy: (runs out from backstage in a pristine suit) YES! SARS IS DEADLY! DEADLIER THAN MY AUNTIE'S FRUITCAKE! YOU VIL ALL DIE AND I - (bares teeth to reveal a pair of fangs) I VILL SOCK YOUR BLAHD! MWAHAHAHA!
Darien: (walks up to newguy) What didja say?
Random Newsguy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT GARLIC BREATH! I'M MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELTING! (faints)
Darien: (shrugs) What's the matter with him? I LIKE Italian food!
Van: (rolls eyes)
Dilandau: MOERO!!!!!!!! BURN AND DIE! BURN AND DIE! (holds up hairspray, then, with a terrified look, pauses.) Er . . . . you guys . . . maybe this is a bit late, but . . . I'M A PYROPHOBE!
(suddenly, the Bible For Dummies hurtles out from backstage and hits her in the head.)
Daemon's voice: COMMANDMENT NUMBER OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!
Van: (all the while, he has been staring, entranced, at the can of hairspray. Now, he grins evilly.) You're a pyrophobe?
Dilandau: (with tears in her eyes) YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH! (sob)
Van: Good, because I'M A PYROMANIAC! (sprints across the room and grabs the matches and hairspray, creating a mini-flamethrower with it to torch the huts) MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BURN! BURN! BURN!
(with a loud wail, Dilandau faints.)
Hitomi: (coming to) What the-
Darien: (disturbed look) Um . . . let's get out of the way, why don't we?
(Cackling evilly, Van happily commences burning the backdrop)
Hitomi: Um . . . (huge fake grin) Not that I'm scared or anything, but-
Van: (crazed look) BWAHAHAHA!
Hitomi: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! (she sprints offstage, Darien close on her heels. Darien trips over the vampiric newsguy, who wakes up, grabs Darien's leg, and is pulled along, trying to bite it, as Darien runs out of the room)
Van: BWAHAHA! MOERO! MOERO! BURN-BURN-BURN-BURN-BUUUUUUUUUUUURN!
Daemon: (creeps up behind Van, a crazed look in his eyes. Suddenly, he raises the Bible for Dummies above his head and begins viciously beating Van.) COMMANDMENT NUMBER OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!
(with a loud squawk, Van drops the hair spray and crumples into a ball on the ground.)
Yukari: (runs out onstage, breathing hard.) How do you close the curtain?!?
Curtain falls on top of Yukari.
(Yukari walks out onstage, now wearing a long blonde wig and a pink tutu with a white shirt)
Yukari: (looks around) Hey, where's 'Tomi? (strolls backstage to look for her friend. After a long pause, there is a bloodcurdling scream as she hurtles back out, covered in scratch marks and clutching her head as the Narrator streaks after her, now wearing a yellow pillowcase, a tail, and large floppy cat ears.)
Narrator: THAT'S MY SAILOR MOON WIG! GIMMEGIMMEGIMME!
( They both run offstage. Meanwhile, a black-haired boy in samurai armor strolls in with Hitomi from the back of the audience)
Van: You suck, Hitomi.
Hitomi: I just saved your life, moron.
Van: (stops and ponders this for a moment, while Hitomi walks on) Nah . . . you suck anyway.
Hitomi: Don't make me hurt you.
(Darien runs in from backstage, wearing an I'm With Stupid T-shirt along with the rest of his samurai costume)
Darien: LORD VAN! (dives in to hug Van, who dodges, and he gets Hitomi instead)
Hitomi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
Van: Wow, this is like the most traumatizing experience of my life.
Hitomi: (faints)
Darien: (prods Hitomi with plastic samurai sword) She okay?
Van: Who cares? (together, they pull Hitomi up and onto the stage, which now looks like a small village, with a castle in the background. Van and Darien seem to be straining themselves greatly, sweating, and breathing heavily, barely able to lift Hitomi off of the ground)
Van: (dropping Hitomi unceremoniously on the ground) Good God! What does she EAT!?
Hitomi: (coming to) Blood . . . Death . . . Destruction . . .
Van: Oh. No wonder.
Hitomi: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE! BWAHAHAHAHA! (faints)
Van: You first.
(an African-American girl, skinny and pigtailed and wearing red armor, strolls out carrying a bunch of matches and a can of hair spray painted black and labeled FLAMMTHROWR.)
Dilandau: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(sneezes mid-laugh) YOU WILL ALL DIE!
Van: (disgusted look) What, of SARS?
Random Newsguy: (runs out from backstage in a pristine suit) YES! SARS IS DEADLY! DEADLIER THAN MY AUNTIE'S FRUITCAKE! YOU VIL ALL DIE AND I - (bares teeth to reveal a pair of fangs) I VILL SOCK YOUR BLAHD! MWAHAHAHA!
Darien: (walks up to newguy) What didja say?
Random Newsguy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT GARLIC BREATH! I'M MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELTING! (faints)
Darien: (shrugs) What's the matter with him? I LIKE Italian food!
Van: (rolls eyes)
Dilandau: MOERO!!!!!!!! BURN AND DIE! BURN AND DIE! (holds up hairspray, then, with a terrified look, pauses.) Er . . . . you guys . . . maybe this is a bit late, but . . . I'M A PYROPHOBE!
(suddenly, the Bible For Dummies hurtles out from backstage and hits her in the head.)
Daemon's voice: COMMANDMENT NUMBER OOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!
Van: (all the while, he has been staring, entranced, at the can of hairspray. Now, he grins evilly.) You're a pyrophobe?
Dilandau: (with tears in her eyes) YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH! (sob)
Van: Good, because I'M A PYROMANIAC! (sprints across the room and grabs the matches and hairspray, creating a mini-flamethrower with it to torch the huts) MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BURN! BURN! BURN!
(with a loud wail, Dilandau faints.)
Hitomi: (coming to) What the-
Darien: (disturbed look) Um . . . let's get out of the way, why don't we?
(Cackling evilly, Van happily commences burning the backdrop)
Hitomi: Um . . . (huge fake grin) Not that I'm scared or anything, but-
Van: (crazed look) BWAHAHAHA!
Hitomi: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! (she sprints offstage, Darien close on her heels. Darien trips over the vampiric newsguy, who wakes up, grabs Darien's leg, and is pulled along, trying to bite it, as Darien runs out of the room)
Van: BWAHAHA! MOERO! MOERO! BURN-BURN-BURN-BURN-BUUUUUUUUUUUURN!
Daemon: (creeps up behind Van, a crazed look in his eyes. Suddenly, he raises the Bible for Dummies above his head and begins viciously beating Van.) COMMANDMENT NUMBER OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!
(with a loud squawk, Van drops the hair spray and crumples into a ball on the ground.)
Yukari: (runs out onstage, breathing hard.) How do you close the curtain?!?
Curtain falls on top of Yukari.