Act Three: The Cowardly Blonde
THANK YOU to the three people who have reviewed . . . thanks for saying that I'm funny, even if you were both lying . . . and YES, Rai, I am addicted to exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ; D See what I mean????????
*Backstage*
Yukari: *heavy sigh* What are we gonna do for Allen?
Hitomi: *heavy sigh* Dunno . . . maybe we can just continue the play AFTER Daemon gets back from the emergency room?
The Voice From Nowhere: Excuse me, but maybe I can be of some assistance?
Yukari and Hitomi: *looking frantically around* WHAT!?
Narrator: AUGGGGGGH! WHIPLASH! *writhes on floor, clutching head*
Hitomi: Um, wow, you weren't even moving.
Narrator: *pauses, considering this for a moment* Okay . . . AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH! SECONDHAND WHIPLASH! *writhes some more*
TVFN(voice from nowhere): Hello -o? Anyone paying attention? Loud, disembodied voice with a superiority complex here!
All: SHUT UP!
TVFN: FINE. *sulk* I just thought that since I AM Hitomi's fairy godmother, I might want to-
Hitomi: I don't have a fairy godmother!
TVFN: Okay, so I'm the next best thing - a cross-dressing fairy godfather!
All: *sign against evil*
TVFN: I was just thinking I could help . . .
Hitomi: But I don't WANNA go to the ball! I HATE dressing up!!!!!!!
Yukari: Um, I don't think that's what he-
TVFN: SHE! I'm a SHE at heart, I really am!
Hitomi: UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Yukari: Um, I wish for a replacement Allen!
TVFN: Mm-hm. Can do. Any specifics?
Yukari: Okay. Handsome, long blonde hair, chauvinistic, excellent actor, knight-
TVFN: Ooooooooooooooooookay! Here you go!
*lots of billowing purple smoke surges from nowhere*
Allen: Hey, how d'you guys like me?
Hitomi: um, where are you?
Allen: Here!
All: *look around frantically*
Narrator: WHIPLASH! *writhes frantically on the floor*
AM: *bursts through the door* DON'T WORRY, KIDD! I'LL SAVE YOU!
Narrator: EEK! *streaks out the door, followed by AM*
Allen: Not there, here! No, lower. Lower. LOWER, DAMMIT!
Yukari: *faints*
Hitomi: Oh. My. God.
Allen: What?
Darien: It's . . . nothing! A small problem!
Hitomi: *sniggering* VERY small.
Allen: What are you talking about? I'm perfect!
*meanwhile, the Narrator and Audience Member streak back through the door, AM clutching his smoking, now-bald head and the Narrator without eyebrows*
Narrator: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Van: BWAHAHA! *lowers FLAMMTHROWR and gapes at Allen* Oh. My. God. It's a . . . MIDGET! *torches Allen* BURN, BABY, BURN!
Darien: Um . . . wow.
Hitomi: He has a bit of a thing about midgets. And clowns. And small dogs. And-
Allen: MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!! *runs out onstage and nearly trips over Dilandau*
Van: *chasing* BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!
Hitomi: And long blonde hair. He's the main reason I keep mine, er . . . VERY short.
Darien: Let's go get the Slayers. It's about time for their cue anyway.
Hitomi: Right. *exit*
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BWAHAHA!
*just behind the curtain stand three boys in blue armor - Gatti, Viole, and Guimel.*
Gatti: O . . . kay! You first, Viole!
Viole: Make Guimel do it! He's just a secondary character anyway!
Guimel: NO! It's Viole's turn!
Viole and Gatti: Go on, sheep-boy!
Guimel: *wailing* WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!?
Viole: *simpering-sweet* Because you just KNOW that you deal the best with Lord Dilandau when he's in one of these moods!
Guimel: THAT'S not Lord Dilandau, that's the Dragon!
Gatti: And I'm a lovely young catgirl. Go. Now.
Guimel: But-
Gatti: OR ELSE.
Guimel: GOING! GOING!
Viole: You know, that DOES look like the Dragon. . .
Gatti: With a FLAMETHROWER? You've got to be kidding, Viole.
Viole: Oh, okay . . . but it WOULD be nice to know how we ended up here. Or where here is. Or who the hell those OTHER guys in blue armor were . .
Gatti: Shut up.
Van: BWAHAHAHAHA!
Guimel: *tapping Van's shoulder* Um, Lord D-
Van: HUH? *spins around and nearly torches Guimel, who ducks*
Allen: *faints*
Guimel: Um, I'm just taking a survey. Is your name Lord Dilandau?
Van: No.
Guimel: Okay, that'll be all-
Van: I like fire. *torches a random audience member* A LOT.
Guimel: Why, that's nice, but I've got to be going . . .
Lord Dilandau: *enters from stage right* YOU!
Van: YOU! Hey, wait. Who are you, exactly?
Lord Dilandau: Stop playing dumb, Van Fanel!
Van: Actually, it's quite flattering to know that we have fans among the, er, highly coveted albino population, but my name's not REALLY Van Fanel. It's Van Albatou Kanzaki Excalibur Vash Strategos Fanel Timberlake Gackt Tolkien Slanzar Stampede-
Lord Dilandau: *sneering* What the hell kind of name is that?
Van: It's what happens when crazed fangirls have children.
Lord Dilandau: Oh. Right.
Van: And now . . . YOU ARE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *attempts to torch Dilandau*
Lord Dilandau: BURN! MOEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dilandau(the actress)(from here on in this becomes Dil to avoid confusion): *comes to* EEK! *streaks off stage right* *runs into Dallet* EEK! *bolts off stage left* *runs into Viole* EEK! *faints*
Viole: What a wierd kid!
Guimel: *SMIRK* Hey, Gatti!
Gatti: Huh? What? Who died?
Guimel: I guess you ARE a pretty young catgirl after all!
Van: YOU like fire, TOO?
Dilandau: Moero . . .
Van: *SOB* you have NO idea how lonely it is . . . *sniffle* Alone in a world full of pyrophobes . . .
Dilandau: Moero . . .
Van: Can I call you sister?
Dilandau: WHAT?!?
Van: BROTHER! *hugs Dilandau*
Allen: *comes to* THAT'S MY LINE! *faints*
Dilandau: Do you want to be . . . but, no . . . you wouldn't want . . . my Dragonslayer?
Van: YES!
Dilandau: HEAR THAT, VAN? I STILL HAVE ONE DRAGONSLAYER!!!!!!! YESSSS! *glomps Van*
Narrator: This is really fricken disturbing.
THANK YOU to the three people who have reviewed . . . thanks for saying that I'm funny, even if you were both lying . . . and YES, Rai, I am addicted to exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ; D See what I mean????????
*Backstage*
Yukari: *heavy sigh* What are we gonna do for Allen?
Hitomi: *heavy sigh* Dunno . . . maybe we can just continue the play AFTER Daemon gets back from the emergency room?
The Voice From Nowhere: Excuse me, but maybe I can be of some assistance?
Yukari and Hitomi: *looking frantically around* WHAT!?
Narrator: AUGGGGGGH! WHIPLASH! *writhes on floor, clutching head*
Hitomi: Um, wow, you weren't even moving.
Narrator: *pauses, considering this for a moment* Okay . . . AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH! SECONDHAND WHIPLASH! *writhes some more*
TVFN(voice from nowhere): Hello -o? Anyone paying attention? Loud, disembodied voice with a superiority complex here!
All: SHUT UP!
TVFN: FINE. *sulk* I just thought that since I AM Hitomi's fairy godmother, I might want to-
Hitomi: I don't have a fairy godmother!
TVFN: Okay, so I'm the next best thing - a cross-dressing fairy godfather!
All: *sign against evil*
TVFN: I was just thinking I could help . . .
Hitomi: But I don't WANNA go to the ball! I HATE dressing up!!!!!!!
Yukari: Um, I don't think that's what he-
TVFN: SHE! I'm a SHE at heart, I really am!
Hitomi: UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Yukari: Um, I wish for a replacement Allen!
TVFN: Mm-hm. Can do. Any specifics?
Yukari: Okay. Handsome, long blonde hair, chauvinistic, excellent actor, knight-
TVFN: Ooooooooooooooooookay! Here you go!
*lots of billowing purple smoke surges from nowhere*
Allen: Hey, how d'you guys like me?
Hitomi: um, where are you?
Allen: Here!
All: *look around frantically*
Narrator: WHIPLASH! *writhes frantically on the floor*
AM: *bursts through the door* DON'T WORRY, KIDD! I'LL SAVE YOU!
Narrator: EEK! *streaks out the door, followed by AM*
Allen: Not there, here! No, lower. Lower. LOWER, DAMMIT!
Yukari: *faints*
Hitomi: Oh. My. God.
Allen: What?
Darien: It's . . . nothing! A small problem!
Hitomi: *sniggering* VERY small.
Allen: What are you talking about? I'm perfect!
*meanwhile, the Narrator and Audience Member streak back through the door, AM clutching his smoking, now-bald head and the Narrator without eyebrows*
Narrator: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Van: BWAHAHA! *lowers FLAMMTHROWR and gapes at Allen* Oh. My. God. It's a . . . MIDGET! *torches Allen* BURN, BABY, BURN!
Darien: Um . . . wow.
Hitomi: He has a bit of a thing about midgets. And clowns. And small dogs. And-
Allen: MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!! *runs out onstage and nearly trips over Dilandau*
Van: *chasing* BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!
Hitomi: And long blonde hair. He's the main reason I keep mine, er . . . VERY short.
Darien: Let's go get the Slayers. It's about time for their cue anyway.
Hitomi: Right. *exit*
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BURN!
Allen: HAIR!
Van: BWAHAHA!
*just behind the curtain stand three boys in blue armor - Gatti, Viole, and Guimel.*
Gatti: O . . . kay! You first, Viole!
Viole: Make Guimel do it! He's just a secondary character anyway!
Guimel: NO! It's Viole's turn!
Viole and Gatti: Go on, sheep-boy!
Guimel: *wailing* WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEE!?
Viole: *simpering-sweet* Because you just KNOW that you deal the best with Lord Dilandau when he's in one of these moods!
Guimel: THAT'S not Lord Dilandau, that's the Dragon!
Gatti: And I'm a lovely young catgirl. Go. Now.
Guimel: But-
Gatti: OR ELSE.
Guimel: GOING! GOING!
Viole: You know, that DOES look like the Dragon. . .
Gatti: With a FLAMETHROWER? You've got to be kidding, Viole.
Viole: Oh, okay . . . but it WOULD be nice to know how we ended up here. Or where here is. Or who the hell those OTHER guys in blue armor were . .
Gatti: Shut up.
Van: BWAHAHAHAHA!
Guimel: *tapping Van's shoulder* Um, Lord D-
Van: HUH? *spins around and nearly torches Guimel, who ducks*
Allen: *faints*
Guimel: Um, I'm just taking a survey. Is your name Lord Dilandau?
Van: No.
Guimel: Okay, that'll be all-
Van: I like fire. *torches a random audience member* A LOT.
Guimel: Why, that's nice, but I've got to be going . . .
Lord Dilandau: *enters from stage right* YOU!
Van: YOU! Hey, wait. Who are you, exactly?
Lord Dilandau: Stop playing dumb, Van Fanel!
Van: Actually, it's quite flattering to know that we have fans among the, er, highly coveted albino population, but my name's not REALLY Van Fanel. It's Van Albatou Kanzaki Excalibur Vash Strategos Fanel Timberlake Gackt Tolkien Slanzar Stampede-
Lord Dilandau: *sneering* What the hell kind of name is that?
Van: It's what happens when crazed fangirls have children.
Lord Dilandau: Oh. Right.
Van: And now . . . YOU ARE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *attempts to torch Dilandau*
Lord Dilandau: BURN! MOEEEEEERRRRROOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dilandau(the actress)(from here on in this becomes Dil to avoid confusion): *comes to* EEK! *streaks off stage right* *runs into Dallet* EEK! *bolts off stage left* *runs into Viole* EEK! *faints*
Viole: What a wierd kid!
Guimel: *SMIRK* Hey, Gatti!
Gatti: Huh? What? Who died?
Guimel: I guess you ARE a pretty young catgirl after all!
Van: YOU like fire, TOO?
Dilandau: Moero . . .
Van: *SOB* you have NO idea how lonely it is . . . *sniffle* Alone in a world full of pyrophobes . . .
Dilandau: Moero . . .
Van: Can I call you sister?
Dilandau: WHAT?!?
Van: BROTHER! *hugs Dilandau*
Allen: *comes to* THAT'S MY LINE! *faints*
Dilandau: Do you want to be . . . but, no . . . you wouldn't want . . . my Dragonslayer?
Van: YES!
Dilandau: HEAR THAT, VAN? I STILL HAVE ONE DRAGONSLAYER!!!!!!! YESSSS! *glomps Van*
Narrator: This is really fricken disturbing.