A/N: Hello, all! Here it is, at long, long last: THE FIC THAT WOULDN'T DIE. I tried to kill it, I really did, but it just wasn't having any of it. If anybody's still following this, well . . . this is for you. It's a bit shorter than the previous chapters, I'm afraid, but more will be coming soon! And now, without further ado, I am proud to present:
Act Four: Shrinking Violets
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
(curtain opens, revealing an empty stage)
Darien: SHIT! (runs to close curtains) Listen, you two. You gotta break it up and get into costume. We're already running late, and only the fact that two luscious catgirls with machine guns are guarding the doors is keeping the audience here. The second they stop to lick themselves, BAM! The audience's gone.
Van: That's horrible! How COULD he?
Dilandau: My beautiful face . . .
Darien: HEY! Are you listening to me?!?
Van, Hitomi and Dilandau: NO.
Narrator: Ooh! Ooh! I'll be Van!!!
Darien: VAN! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!
Van: NO! I WILL NOT BETRAY MY LORD IN SUCH A FASHION!!! I AM HIS SLAYER, NOW AND FOREVER!!!!!!!
Dilandau: (sparkle-sparkle mode) Oh, Van . . .
All: (scarred for life)
Dallet: Does he HAVE a sparkle-sparkle mode?
Raenef: No, but he borrowed it temporarily from me.
Dallet: The FUCK?
Eclipse: (fuming) Master Raeneeeeeeeef . . .
Raenef: CRAP, I've gotta go! I'll be in the audience, see ya!! (sparkles)
Viole: (sigh) What a pretty girl . . .
Dallet: WHAT?
(in the meantime . . .)
Raenef: (sigh) That Viole sure was a pretty girl . . . (sparkle)
Eclipse: (twitch twitch) And you know his name HOW?
Raenef: That's easy. I just read the- wait, HE?
Eclipse: (SIGH)
(back to business, backstage)
TVFN: Did I hear you correctly?
Hitomi: (sparkle) Yes, fairy god - er - mother, we need a new Van . . . our current one's been converted . . .
Van: (from onstage) BURN!!!!
Dilandau: (ditto) MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Hitomi: That or a knife with which to KILL myself.
TVFN: Use Dil. She's a darling.
Hitomi: But she's also a WUSS.
TVFN: I know, darling, I know. I'm off to powder my face now. Ja!
Hitomi: (groans, collapsing) Noooooooo . . .
Dil: Daemon must be rolling in his grave right now.
Hitomi: Don't say that!
Yukari: NEVER say that!
Hitomi: He can't be dead yet!!!
(in the hospital)
Daemon: HACHOOOOOO!!!!
Nurse: Bless you.
Nurse #2: I didn't know it was POSSIBLE to sneeze in a coma.
(onstage again)
(Narrator bounces back onstage, grinning as the curtains open)
Narrator: HELLOOOOOO, and thank you for waiting! Now we are proud to present . . . ummmm . . . Act Toad! Thank you.
Prompter: MMMRGMMMGMPH!!!
Dilandau: Eheheh. Now all we have to do is rewrite "Van" lines to say . . . whisper . . . AND THEN THE DRAGON WILL PERISH!!!
Van and Dilandau: (high five) WAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gatti: (shaking head sadly) He just doesn't get it . . .
AM2: THIS PLAY FRICKIN' BLOWS!!!!!!!
Eriya: Would you like to say that again, sir?
AM2: Shutting up!
Dil and Hitomi: (fall violently through the ceiling and onto the stage)
Dil: Owwwww . . . my ass . . . it's going to go all lopsided and then -
Hitomi: (WHACK) SHADDAP! This isn't PRECISION light!!! Oh - oh, look, the audience . . . eheheh . . . (stage whisper) What's my line again?
Dil: (looking over at the "prompters") Die, you fat cow! I can't stand the sight of you!
All: . . .
(the sound of crickets can be heard)
Dil: Eh . . . Eeeeeeeeh???
Hitomi: (deadpan) You're on the wrong side of the stage. Go.
Dil: (mimicking) This isn't precision liiiiiiiight!!!!!
Hitomi: (WHACK)
Dil: ITAIIIIIIII!!!!!!
(backstage)
Darien: Where's Moleman? He's supposed to be on right now!
Yukari: Oh, HIM. Yeah, he got arrested.
Darien: Will he be here anytime soon?
Yukari: (ponders)
Darien: Well?
Yukari: . . .
Darien: SPEAK, DAMMIT!!!
Yukari: They said something about meth, so I dunno.
Darien: Damn. Go kidnap somebody from the audience, if that's the case.
Yukari: Okay, cool. Just give me a sec.
(meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .)
Hitomi: Oh no. What shall I do? I'm all alone. Poor me.
Audience: . . .
Hitomi: POOR ME.
Audience: . . . this show sucks.
Hitomi: Well, shit. I think I'll do a Tarot reading on this here stump. (lays card) I don't know what in the seven hells this means, but it looks bad. It has collapsing buildings on it. A terrorist threat? (whips out ham sandwich)
Hobo Bob: (is thrown on stage right) GIMME!!!!!
Hitomi: CRAP!!!
Hobo Bob: SANDWICH!!!!
Hitomi: OVER MY DEAD-
(backstage)
Darien: Where's Allen?
Yukari: Passed out on the floor. Some kid with a sheep is drawing on his face.
Darien: (sigh) Get me the wig.
(back onstage)
Hobo Bob: THAT SANDWICH IS MIIIIIINE!!!!! (proceeds to molest Hitomi)
Hitomi: NO! NOT MY BLOODY SANDWICH!!!
Darien: (enters stage left in wig and pink dress) NO! GODDAMN HOBO!!!
Hobo Bob: EH?
Darien: (WHACK)
Hitomi: Nice outfit, ALLEN. (sniggering)
Darien: It was this or a bikini, OKAY?
Hitomi: (SNICK)
Dil: (enters stage right) ALLEN! You- you suck! (legs trembling) Um . . . DIE!
Darien: (draws tater tot)
Hitomi: (SNICK)
Darien: THE PROPS WERE GONE TOO, OKAY!?!?!?
Dil: (faints)
Hitomi: (to Darien) You really suck.
Darien: Oh, shut up, y- VAN! DILANDAU! You can't just take Dil and - HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?!?!?!?
Hitomi: Do you even need to ask?
Darien: Crap. Is there even a fire extinguisher in this place?
Yukari: (sparkle) No, but we have lots of water and those cute little Dixie cups!
Hitomi: . . . crap.
Hobo Bob: (twitch) My . . . my preciousssss . . . come back to (HACK) meeee . . . please . . .
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
(little person pops in with glasses and a bad hair cut) Umm, please excuse the author; she's a bit of a weird one, and apparently forgetful! You see, she forgot the disclaimer! She does not own Escaflowne, nor does she own "demon Diary" where the characters of Eclipse and Raenef came from! Thank you! (pops off)
Act Four: Shrinking Violets
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
(curtain opens, revealing an empty stage)
Darien: SHIT! (runs to close curtains) Listen, you two. You gotta break it up and get into costume. We're already running late, and only the fact that two luscious catgirls with machine guns are guarding the doors is keeping the audience here. The second they stop to lick themselves, BAM! The audience's gone.
Van: That's horrible! How COULD he?
Dilandau: My beautiful face . . .
Darien: HEY! Are you listening to me?!?
Van, Hitomi and Dilandau: NO.
Narrator: Ooh! Ooh! I'll be Van!!!
Darien: VAN! GET OVER HERE THIS INSTANT!
Van: NO! I WILL NOT BETRAY MY LORD IN SUCH A FASHION!!! I AM HIS SLAYER, NOW AND FOREVER!!!!!!!
Dilandau: (sparkle-sparkle mode) Oh, Van . . .
All: (scarred for life)
Dallet: Does he HAVE a sparkle-sparkle mode?
Raenef: No, but he borrowed it temporarily from me.
Dallet: The FUCK?
Eclipse: (fuming) Master Raeneeeeeeeef . . .
Raenef: CRAP, I've gotta go! I'll be in the audience, see ya!! (sparkles)
Viole: (sigh) What a pretty girl . . .
Dallet: WHAT?
(in the meantime . . .)
Raenef: (sigh) That Viole sure was a pretty girl . . . (sparkle)
Eclipse: (twitch twitch) And you know his name HOW?
Raenef: That's easy. I just read the- wait, HE?
Eclipse: (SIGH)
(back to business, backstage)
TVFN: Did I hear you correctly?
Hitomi: (sparkle) Yes, fairy god - er - mother, we need a new Van . . . our current one's been converted . . .
Van: (from onstage) BURN!!!!
Dilandau: (ditto) MOEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Hitomi: That or a knife with which to KILL myself.
TVFN: Use Dil. She's a darling.
Hitomi: But she's also a WUSS.
TVFN: I know, darling, I know. I'm off to powder my face now. Ja!
Hitomi: (groans, collapsing) Noooooooo . . .
Dil: Daemon must be rolling in his grave right now.
Hitomi: Don't say that!
Yukari: NEVER say that!
Hitomi: He can't be dead yet!!!
(in the hospital)
Daemon: HACHOOOOOO!!!!
Nurse: Bless you.
Nurse #2: I didn't know it was POSSIBLE to sneeze in a coma.
(onstage again)
(Narrator bounces back onstage, grinning as the curtains open)
Narrator: HELLOOOOOO, and thank you for waiting! Now we are proud to present . . . ummmm . . . Act Toad! Thank you.
Prompter: MMMRGMMMGMPH!!!
Dilandau: Eheheh. Now all we have to do is rewrite "Van" lines to say . . . whisper . . . AND THEN THE DRAGON WILL PERISH!!!
Van and Dilandau: (high five) WAHAHAHAHAHAhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gatti: (shaking head sadly) He just doesn't get it . . .
AM2: THIS PLAY FRICKIN' BLOWS!!!!!!!
Eriya: Would you like to say that again, sir?
AM2: Shutting up!
Dil and Hitomi: (fall violently through the ceiling and onto the stage)
Dil: Owwwww . . . my ass . . . it's going to go all lopsided and then -
Hitomi: (WHACK) SHADDAP! This isn't PRECISION light!!! Oh - oh, look, the audience . . . eheheh . . . (stage whisper) What's my line again?
Dil: (looking over at the "prompters") Die, you fat cow! I can't stand the sight of you!
All: . . .
(the sound of crickets can be heard)
Dil: Eh . . . Eeeeeeeeh???
Hitomi: (deadpan) You're on the wrong side of the stage. Go.
Dil: (mimicking) This isn't precision liiiiiiiight!!!!!
Hitomi: (WHACK)
Dil: ITAIIIIIIII!!!!!!
(backstage)
Darien: Where's Moleman? He's supposed to be on right now!
Yukari: Oh, HIM. Yeah, he got arrested.
Darien: Will he be here anytime soon?
Yukari: (ponders)
Darien: Well?
Yukari: . . .
Darien: SPEAK, DAMMIT!!!
Yukari: They said something about meth, so I dunno.
Darien: Damn. Go kidnap somebody from the audience, if that's the case.
Yukari: Okay, cool. Just give me a sec.
(meanwhile, back at the ranch . . .)
Hitomi: Oh no. What shall I do? I'm all alone. Poor me.
Audience: . . .
Hitomi: POOR ME.
Audience: . . . this show sucks.
Hitomi: Well, shit. I think I'll do a Tarot reading on this here stump. (lays card) I don't know what in the seven hells this means, but it looks bad. It has collapsing buildings on it. A terrorist threat? (whips out ham sandwich)
Hobo Bob: (is thrown on stage right) GIMME!!!!!
Hitomi: CRAP!!!
Hobo Bob: SANDWICH!!!!
Hitomi: OVER MY DEAD-
(backstage)
Darien: Where's Allen?
Yukari: Passed out on the floor. Some kid with a sheep is drawing on his face.
Darien: (sigh) Get me the wig.
(back onstage)
Hobo Bob: THAT SANDWICH IS MIIIIIINE!!!!! (proceeds to molest Hitomi)
Hitomi: NO! NOT MY BLOODY SANDWICH!!!
Darien: (enters stage left in wig and pink dress) NO! GODDAMN HOBO!!!
Hobo Bob: EH?
Darien: (WHACK)
Hitomi: Nice outfit, ALLEN. (sniggering)
Darien: It was this or a bikini, OKAY?
Hitomi: (SNICK)
Dil: (enters stage right) ALLEN! You- you suck! (legs trembling) Um . . . DIE!
Darien: (draws tater tot)
Hitomi: (SNICK)
Darien: THE PROPS WERE GONE TOO, OKAY!?!?!?
Dil: (faints)
Hitomi: (to Darien) You really suck.
Darien: Oh, shut up, y- VAN! DILANDAU! You can't just take Dil and - HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?!?!?!?!?
Hitomi: Do you even need to ask?
Darien: Crap. Is there even a fire extinguisher in this place?
Yukari: (sparkle) No, but we have lots of water and those cute little Dixie cups!
Hitomi: . . . crap.
Hobo Bob: (twitch) My . . . my preciousssss . . . come back to (HACK) meeee . . . please . . .
()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
(little person pops in with glasses and a bad hair cut) Umm, please excuse the author; she's a bit of a weird one, and apparently forgetful! You see, she forgot the disclaimer! She does not own Escaflowne, nor does she own "demon Diary" where the characters of Eclipse and Raenef came from! Thank you! (pops off)