Chapter Five
I sat in the office in my corner the next morning, finishing off the book with my gunblade equipped. Reading was the only escape from my own thoughts. I only wished I could read forever.
Sayaki wandered in a little later than usual, looking a little frazzled.
"Sorry, I'm late!" she quickly saluted me. She looked as if she'd just woken up. Her still wet hair was messily braided instead of neatly like it normally was, and she kept rubbing her eyes even though she was supposed to be standing in attention.
"S'okay." I closed the book. "Thanks for letting me borrow this."
"Anytime," she smiled. "Everything kind of makes a lot more sense after reading it, yeah?"
I nodded. Everything GF related.
"I'm glad it helped you," she grinned. "I think I'm done memorizing student files. I still don't know anything about anyone and I think I'll survive that way. So, until you give me the next order, methinks I'm gonna clean this place up!" she held a swiffer duster and a swiffer mop.
"Need some help?" Might as well do something useful. Maybe it would divert my thoughts too…
"If you want to," she laid the mop down. "You don't have to if you don't want to." She pulled up Cid's chair and started dusting the tops of the bookshelves, sneezing. "You could grow things in this dust!"
I nodded, forcing a smile, and doing anything I could think of to help.
The place was finally completely spotless. Sayaki grinned happily.
"I'm so happy! I can focus in a place that's this clean!"
"That's better." I said approvingly and shoved my hands in my pockets.
"Thanks for helping me," she beamed.
"Welcome."
She sat down with a library book on GFs, thumbing impatiently through it, looking much like a child who was only doing their homework because they were forced to. I sat down in my corner, not really knowing what to do. There wasn't really anything -to- do.
"Squall, do you feel okay?"
"I'm alright." I shrugged.
"...um, okay," she nodded. "I was just, um, kinda worried about ya..."
I looked over at her. She didn't even know that I had planned suicide, yet she was worried about me. How could she know...?
"Because you seem really sad," she added on. "And, I mean, I know we all have our bad days, but...it just seems like something's really bothering you."
-Everything's- bothering me, Sayaki... I closed my eyes and stood up. "I forgot some papers in the dorms... I've gotta go get 'em."
"Alrighty, see you in a minute then," she nodded, turning the page absent-mindedly.
I didn't reply, because I knew I wouldn't. I made my way back to the dorms where no one was during the day. I shut my door, not bothering to lock it. Who would be down here at this time of day anyway? I grabbed my gunblade, and I realized my hand was shaking. I had to do this quick, because I didn't want it to be painful. I aimed my gun at my head, my hand unsteady on the trigger. Was this the right choice? Was this the right choice?
The door flung open, and a shruiken knocked the gun out of my hands and away from me.
"Don't do anything stupid!" Sayaki cried out. "I swear, if you go for that I don't know what I'll do!"
"Why?" I asked blankly. It didn't really matter anyway.
"Oh, Squall, no no...don't...please don't...." she walked in, and frantically reached for my gunblade. "I'm not gonna give it back to you!"
"Please just give it to me so I can get this over with."
"No!" she said, voice shaking. "No, I won't let you do this. I won't. I won't let you do this," she repeated again, shaking her head frantically.
"This isn't like it's gonna effect you." I shook my head.
"Not gonna effect me?!" she swore under her breath, the first time I'd ever herd her do so. "Are you insane?!"
"I honestly don't know at this point." I sighed. "Just give me the gunblade, Sayaki."
She said nothing, but simply clung to my gunblade tighter, dissolving into tears.
"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned for her. That was the first time I'd ever seen her cry, too…even when she'd been hurt, she hadn't cried, but now it was as if she'd just completely lost it…
"Don't you see this?! Please don't leave me alone in this place..." she shook her head. "And if you've gotta go, don't kill yourself...please...suicide isn't the answer, it only hurts everyone!"
"How could it hurt?"
"It does," she said bitterly. "Mom left me this way, and I'm not gonna let anyone else do the same thing to me ever again!"
"Sayaki, you don't understand---"
"--YOU don't understand!" she yelled. "What on earth don't I understand?! Life sucks and I know that! I've been there! But there isn't any reason to ever kill yourself! If you're at the worst point in your life then it can only get better!"
"Sayaki, I've waited for how many years now? And it never gets better. It's not gonna get better."
"Please don't give up yet. Please...I'll make it better! I promise! I'll make it better somehow or another, just please don't go..."
"Sayaki..." I smiled sadly. I felt like I'd never be happy again. "You can't promise that. You can't control fate... Besides, all this'll do is get me out of your way. You should be happy about this. I can't be that important."
"Well, guess what," She scowled angrily, yet I could detect something beyond that anger, just slightly out of view. "You are."
I sank down on my bed. "Why's it even matter?" I closed my eyes.
Sayaki slid my gunblade across the floor out of my reach, and then dropped to her knees in front of me. She reached out and her hands closed around mine, and I seemed to find a slight glimmer of hope too faint to grasp.
"Look, I admit there's a lot about you I don't know. There's stuff that's probably happened to you that I can't even begin to understand. But that's not a reason to give up. It matters to me... it matters to me a lot, Squall... if it didn't matter, I wouldn't be here right now, okay?"
I looked up at her, and inside I felt she was right. Everything was gonna be okay... and I wasn't alone.
"I'm sorry... this was so stupid of me..."
"It's not... I just... I just wanted you to be okay... I don't know what I can do... I just want you to be okay again..." She stared down at the floor.
"I'm okay." I nodded, laying my hand on Sayaki's shoulder. "I know that there's no need to resort to that... I know I have a friend."
"Please... just... there are better things to resort to. Please... just... don't do that again..." She was still staring at the floor.
"I won't."
"Promise?" she finally looked up, and her violet-pink eyes locked onto mine. It struck me that she was really pretty suddenly.
"Promise." I replied.
"Thank you." she nodded, standing up. She handed my gunblade back to me, and now I was disgusted with the thought of my suicide attempt. "Sorry I kind of panicked... I didn't know what to think or do..."
I almost gave her a hug, but I stopped before I did.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." I said softly. "You saved my life."
"I was almost too late," she looked away, an upset expression on her face.
I shook my head.
"... How did you know?"
"Squall, I'm not stupid," she frowned, shaking her head quickly. "I wasn't exactly sure what you were gonna do, but I could tell it wasn't gonna be good."
"I'm sorry... I really screwed up..."
"I won't lie to you," she shook her head. "You're right, you did, but that's okay," she nodded. "We all get second chances. And because if you know you're wrong, you won't make the same mistake again. And that's good."
"Thank you for stopping me..."
"You're welcome," she nodded.
I didn't know what to do, but it wasn't a bad awkwardness. It was how I'd felt around Rinoa sometimes. I realized suddenly that even though I did still love her, I wouldn't be happy unless she was, and she obviously wasn't happy with me. And that was okay, because I wasn't as alone as I'd thought.
a/n: We don't own FF8, and we don't own swiffer, although I have a swiffer mop and a swiffer duster and they've saved me tons of time when cleaning. Try 'em out sometime.
…no Law and Order tonight so I'll get to checking up chapter six soon. Was this chapter okay? I think this is where it really starts going so, I hope you like it…really, I do…I really have fun writing this story and I really hope that some people like it…so…if you liked it and want to review, the button's right down there -
Love and peace,
Xifa and Sefie Lynne