Barely Thriving
Disclaimer: The characters in this piece are not mine. I also do not own the song, it is Duran Duran's. This doesn't exactly take place in one season per say, it moves forward and backwards through time
I dedicate this piece to God who gave me the ability to write.
Ordinary World
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio but still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to me crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize' gone away
And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
"What do you want me to say?!? Man, I can hardly deal with you sometimes." Julien sighs in frustrated. He can't believe he even decided to pursue this. The person in the room with him is one of the most unreasonable that he knew. You think it would be okay for a person to have a little free time. Tomas seems to think that he has to take all the free time he can get. So, he didn't show up a night. He isn't even sure why Tomas is so upset. He is trying not to yell at the man, but he seriously would like to ring his neck.
Tomas frowns. "Well, you certainly aren't winning any personality contests." He walks out of the room, into the kitchen, wishing there was a door in between that he could slam. He doesn't understand where these bouts of anger that Julien is fond of sometimes come from. He doesn't even have any real reason to be angry. Stupid cop, with a stupid perfect life. So, what he was unwilling to come out of the closet. No one else was here, and he had no right to be angry with him. He fills a small demon trying to come up inside of him. He opens the fridge, pulls out a beer, and slams the fridge. He opens the can, and takes a big chug, maybe that will make the demon shut up. In the beginning it he wanted to see Julien because he thought it would be an interesting challenge, and he needed a sugar daddy type. The worst part was he really had feelings for Julien, but he couldn't tell him that. He puts on this facade with Julien, and he isn't sure he can trust himself to open up completely. It is a good thing that he is a good conman.
Julien follows him reluctantly into the kitchen. "What is your problem, today?" The words escape through slightly clinched teeth.
Tomas doesn't comment for a minute. He is trying to think of the way Julien wants him to answer that. He can't think of any. He takes a sip of his beer. "You not what forget it..." His brown eyes turn soft. "Let's not fight...I hate it when we fight." He frowns. He wants to say something else, but decides not to. "I overreacted..." He bites his lower lip, unintentionally. He probably did, but he thought Julien would psychically sense that yesterday had been important. But why should he, Tomas had given him no clues. Not like Julien might even understand if he had told him. He should had said something, but birthdays hadn't really been special to him in a long time. That was one of the main reasons he hadn't said anything. He didn't want Julien to feel he had to do something special.
"Something is obviously wrong....I have the right to know why you over reacted." Julien tries to glance into his eyes to see if he can get a clue, but Tomas looks to the floor. This frustrates Julien even more.
"I missed you." Tomas says, and pulls him into a kiss.
--- Tomas steps into the cold cell. Where has all your sense gone. He scolds himself. He just wanted to grab Julien by the neck, reprogrammed, married...He sighs. The cell is dark, and he sees he has a cellmate, today. Oh, joy. A voice inside his head is saying something to him. He knows the voice, and he doesn't want to listen today. He has no need to be reminded by ex-boyfriend that he is a screw up. He has known it, his whole life. He has always had a way of pushing people away, and messing things up.
The cellmate walks closer. "Hi, ladybug." He hears a familiar voice say. "Happy b-day, baby." The cellmate doesn't get close to him. He knows that is probably not a good idea.
"Shut the hell up, PJ, you know I am glad those cops gave you a blanket party awhile back, it didn't even teach you anything. You are back in here with the losers." Tomas yells at the figure. He goes to the other bed, and lies down. Not saying a word. Happy that's a joke, he's never had a happy birthday. Not for a long time.
"I'll be out soon, they filed bogus charges, though I heard you did something bad."
"Oh, I am a violent felon now, my brothers will probably think it is about time." He turns on his side, "And, you know what, I ASKED YOU TO SHUT UP, and I mean it." His teeth are gritted as he says this. He misses Julien. He wishes he hadn't screwed it up, now there is no way that they will get back together. Not like he should have expected anything to begin with. Maybe one thing he will live a normal life, and be able to see the dreams he had when he was little come true.
He grits his teeth harder, feeling tears about to appear. He is not letting this trannie see him cry. He can't let anyone see him cry. So, he just holds it inside, with all the demons, and everything else.
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops runaway
"eft me in the vaccuum of my heart
What is happening to me crazy some will say where is my friend when I need you most gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
"So he's intentionally ignoring you, ladybug, we can kill him for you." Miguel Rodrigues looks down at his half brother, who is sitting on the floor cross-legged, pretending to meditate. "He's a 23 year old prick." Miguel and their other brother Tony had just gotten out of a small stint at Pelican Bay. They had been excited it seemed that their half brother had the opportunity to have another chance.Miguel, known more for being loud, and with a short fuse, has concern in his eyes. For years, Tony and Miguel have been trying to shelter him from the path that they ended up on, and though there were a few times where it seemed he was veering off, he tried to stay firm to the path.
Tomas closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. "As you said He's 23, He's Naïve, and stupid. I shouldn't have wasted my time with such a baby." A baby his mind thinks, a four year difference isn't that much. He doesn't want to say it out loud, that might make it appear that he isn't taking this as well as he should be. He knows his brothers are trying to protect him, and he knows that if he doesn't pretend it is alright. They may go out and kill him. He doesn't really want that.
"You sure he was just a fling...He wasn't like El..." Miguel is interrupted, as his brother leaves the room in a flash. He knew not to even start to say that word. And he can't tell Tomas that he needs to deal with it, because Tomas has tried ways to deal with especially the traditional way, Therapy. And his therapists manage to screw him over, literally. And he probably can't get another one, since he has a bad rep as filing sexual harassment charges, and later dropping them. Miguel frowns slightly. He probably should go follow him. That will probably just upset Tomie more. He frowns.
Tomas sits on the bed. He sighs. If he was really smart, he would finish his masters. Julien didn't even think that Tomas was two classes away from finishing, and to finish his thesis. He can see Julien seeing himself as better educated, because he had a bachelor's. He probably even saw Tomas as not finishing high school, since he had grown up in this neighborhood as well Julien, and there was a high rate of high school dropouts in this area. There were a lot of things that Julien didn't know about him, he always tried to shift the conversation, -or- if he did talk about stuff it was meaningless. It probably was his fault that Julien left, but there is no way to tell someone that you are emotionally detached from everything, because you don't know how to live. He sighs. He had just become a warm hole for men and a plaything for the few women he allowed to use his services. When he was little he never dreamed that when he was 27 he would be a prostitute. Oh, course since he had never been caught, a lot of people didn't know. They thought of him more as a con man.
He goes to the drawer, and pulls out a small picture of Julien that he had stolen from Julien's apartment. He looks at it for a moment, and then with a swift stroke he rips it in pieces. If he wants to be that way, Screw him, little bastard. He had done everything to think of to make Julien happy, well beside show him his real self. But Tomas couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to get in touch with that side; he hadn't for a long time. Every time he brought that side out something seemed to happen. This time it was probably more his bad luck, he shouldn't have trusted a cop again. Damn Pigs!
--- Elfred Westing, known as "Elfie" to the kids in the neighborhood, looks down at the teenage sitting on the hardwood floor of his kitchen, curled slightly in a ball. "Come on silly, Nothing is going to happen on your birthday, just because it has a nine in this, you can't go your whole life hiding on birthdays that will have 9 in your age, you will be a sight for sore eyes in your nineties. What happened when you were nine was not your fault...no one can blame you..."
Tomas chuckles softly. "I guess you're right, I just ...I don't want anything big...okay?" He stands up.
Elfie pulls him into a hug. "That's my favorite little Pol/Mex." He kisses the top of Tomas's forehead, ruffling his hair. Tomas snuggles into his chest a little, knowing that he is not making fun of him for being a half breed. --- Tomas is walking down an alley on his way to his grandmother's house to get ready for this evening. He was a little nervous, but Elfie had assumed him all would be okay. He shouldn't be paranoid. It wasn't his fault, his parents had died ten years earlier, it was a car accident, and Elfie was helping him see that.
He hears gunshots, and then,"One-Adam-26, requesting backup....shoots fired" He hears, and stops, that's Elfie's number. He turns the corner. He saw a police car a few blocks away though, they should help him. He watches in awe as Elfie tries his best to stay behind the car. He wonders where the backup car is, it shouldn't take that long, and the officers were sitting in their car.
He hears another gunshot, and watches as Elfie is shot. He waits, panicked, not sure what he should do. Five minutes later, the other car pulls up. He wants to run up to them screaming. Then, he sees something. One of the officers pays off the guy who shot Elfie. "Good job, we don't need feys on the squad. You have done us a great service." Tomas turns, and run sobbing. He caused another death on his birthday. --- "I'm such an idiot, I am going to get Julien killed... I didn't mean to be selfish, ..I need him though...I just want him to see that."
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow beside the news of holy war and holy need
Our's is just a little sorrowed talk' just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world 'I will learn to survive'
Any world is my world 'I will learn to survive'
Any world is my world' every world is our world' every world
Dear Julien, I know you probably will rip this up. You don't need mail from prison, though I maybe getting out soon. That isn't the point though. I know you hate me, and don't want me in your life. I will stay away. I'm sorry of what happened, and I wish you a speedy recovery. I was going to ask if we could be friends, but I am sure you don't want that. And the truth is that I don't know how to be anyone's friend. I only know how to be the puppet people want me to be. I can't open up. I know you have your own personal demons, and don't care about mine. I wish you happiness though, the happiness I will never have. I don't hold it against you anymore. I know whatever rift between us, is mainly due to my trying to make you something you are not. Best of luck, Tomas Motyashik
Disclaimer: The characters in this piece are not mine. I also do not own the song, it is Duran Duran's. This doesn't exactly take place in one season per say, it moves forward and backwards through time
I dedicate this piece to God who gave me the ability to write.
Ordinary World
Came in from a rainy Thursday on the avenue thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights the TV and the radio but still I can't escape the ghost of you
What is happening to me crazy some would say
Where is the life that I recognize' gone away
And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
"What do you want me to say?!? Man, I can hardly deal with you sometimes." Julien sighs in frustrated. He can't believe he even decided to pursue this. The person in the room with him is one of the most unreasonable that he knew. You think it would be okay for a person to have a little free time. Tomas seems to think that he has to take all the free time he can get. So, he didn't show up a night. He isn't even sure why Tomas is so upset. He is trying not to yell at the man, but he seriously would like to ring his neck.
Tomas frowns. "Well, you certainly aren't winning any personality contests." He walks out of the room, into the kitchen, wishing there was a door in between that he could slam. He doesn't understand where these bouts of anger that Julien is fond of sometimes come from. He doesn't even have any real reason to be angry. Stupid cop, with a stupid perfect life. So, what he was unwilling to come out of the closet. No one else was here, and he had no right to be angry with him. He fills a small demon trying to come up inside of him. He opens the fridge, pulls out a beer, and slams the fridge. He opens the can, and takes a big chug, maybe that will make the demon shut up. In the beginning it he wanted to see Julien because he thought it would be an interesting challenge, and he needed a sugar daddy type. The worst part was he really had feelings for Julien, but he couldn't tell him that. He puts on this facade with Julien, and he isn't sure he can trust himself to open up completely. It is a good thing that he is a good conman.
Julien follows him reluctantly into the kitchen. "What is your problem, today?" The words escape through slightly clinched teeth.
Tomas doesn't comment for a minute. He is trying to think of the way Julien wants him to answer that. He can't think of any. He takes a sip of his beer. "You not what forget it..." His brown eyes turn soft. "Let's not fight...I hate it when we fight." He frowns. He wants to say something else, but decides not to. "I overreacted..." He bites his lower lip, unintentionally. He probably did, but he thought Julien would psychically sense that yesterday had been important. But why should he, Tomas had given him no clues. Not like Julien might even understand if he had told him. He should had said something, but birthdays hadn't really been special to him in a long time. That was one of the main reasons he hadn't said anything. He didn't want Julien to feel he had to do something special.
"Something is obviously wrong....I have the right to know why you over reacted." Julien tries to glance into his eyes to see if he can get a clue, but Tomas looks to the floor. This frustrates Julien even more.
"I missed you." Tomas says, and pulls him into a kiss.
--- Tomas steps into the cold cell. Where has all your sense gone. He scolds himself. He just wanted to grab Julien by the neck, reprogrammed, married...He sighs. The cell is dark, and he sees he has a cellmate, today. Oh, joy. A voice inside his head is saying something to him. He knows the voice, and he doesn't want to listen today. He has no need to be reminded by ex-boyfriend that he is a screw up. He has known it, his whole life. He has always had a way of pushing people away, and messing things up.
The cellmate walks closer. "Hi, ladybug." He hears a familiar voice say. "Happy b-day, baby." The cellmate doesn't get close to him. He knows that is probably not a good idea.
"Shut the hell up, PJ, you know I am glad those cops gave you a blanket party awhile back, it didn't even teach you anything. You are back in here with the losers." Tomas yells at the figure. He goes to the other bed, and lies down. Not saying a word. Happy that's a joke, he's never had a happy birthday. Not for a long time.
"I'll be out soon, they filed bogus charges, though I heard you did something bad."
"Oh, I am a violent felon now, my brothers will probably think it is about time." He turns on his side, "And, you know what, I ASKED YOU TO SHUT UP, and I mean it." His teeth are gritted as he says this. He misses Julien. He wishes he hadn't screwed it up, now there is no way that they will get back together. Not like he should have expected anything to begin with. Maybe one thing he will live a normal life, and be able to see the dreams he had when he was little come true.
He grits his teeth harder, feeling tears about to appear. He is not letting this trannie see him cry. He can't let anyone see him cry. So, he just holds it inside, with all the demons, and everything else.
Passion or coincidence once prompted you to say pride will tear us both apart
Well now pride's gone out the window cross the rooftops runaway
"eft me in the vaccuum of my heart
What is happening to me crazy some will say where is my friend when I need you most gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
"So he's intentionally ignoring you, ladybug, we can kill him for you." Miguel Rodrigues looks down at his half brother, who is sitting on the floor cross-legged, pretending to meditate. "He's a 23 year old prick." Miguel and their other brother Tony had just gotten out of a small stint at Pelican Bay. They had been excited it seemed that their half brother had the opportunity to have another chance.Miguel, known more for being loud, and with a short fuse, has concern in his eyes. For years, Tony and Miguel have been trying to shelter him from the path that they ended up on, and though there were a few times where it seemed he was veering off, he tried to stay firm to the path.
Tomas closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath. "As you said He's 23, He's Naïve, and stupid. I shouldn't have wasted my time with such a baby." A baby his mind thinks, a four year difference isn't that much. He doesn't want to say it out loud, that might make it appear that he isn't taking this as well as he should be. He knows his brothers are trying to protect him, and he knows that if he doesn't pretend it is alright. They may go out and kill him. He doesn't really want that.
"You sure he was just a fling...He wasn't like El..." Miguel is interrupted, as his brother leaves the room in a flash. He knew not to even start to say that word. And he can't tell Tomas that he needs to deal with it, because Tomas has tried ways to deal with especially the traditional way, Therapy. And his therapists manage to screw him over, literally. And he probably can't get another one, since he has a bad rep as filing sexual harassment charges, and later dropping them. Miguel frowns slightly. He probably should go follow him. That will probably just upset Tomie more. He frowns.
Tomas sits on the bed. He sighs. If he was really smart, he would finish his masters. Julien didn't even think that Tomas was two classes away from finishing, and to finish his thesis. He can see Julien seeing himself as better educated, because he had a bachelor's. He probably even saw Tomas as not finishing high school, since he had grown up in this neighborhood as well Julien, and there was a high rate of high school dropouts in this area. There were a lot of things that Julien didn't know about him, he always tried to shift the conversation, -or- if he did talk about stuff it was meaningless. It probably was his fault that Julien left, but there is no way to tell someone that you are emotionally detached from everything, because you don't know how to live. He sighs. He had just become a warm hole for men and a plaything for the few women he allowed to use his services. When he was little he never dreamed that when he was 27 he would be a prostitute. Oh, course since he had never been caught, a lot of people didn't know. They thought of him more as a con man.
He goes to the drawer, and pulls out a small picture of Julien that he had stolen from Julien's apartment. He looks at it for a moment, and then with a swift stroke he rips it in pieces. If he wants to be that way, Screw him, little bastard. He had done everything to think of to make Julien happy, well beside show him his real self. But Tomas couldn't do that anymore. He didn't want to get in touch with that side; he hadn't for a long time. Every time he brought that side out something seemed to happen. This time it was probably more his bad luck, he shouldn't have trusted a cop again. Damn Pigs!
--- Elfred Westing, known as "Elfie" to the kids in the neighborhood, looks down at the teenage sitting on the hardwood floor of his kitchen, curled slightly in a ball. "Come on silly, Nothing is going to happen on your birthday, just because it has a nine in this, you can't go your whole life hiding on birthdays that will have 9 in your age, you will be a sight for sore eyes in your nineties. What happened when you were nine was not your fault...no one can blame you..."
Tomas chuckles softly. "I guess you're right, I just ...I don't want anything big...okay?" He stands up.
Elfie pulls him into a hug. "That's my favorite little Pol/Mex." He kisses the top of Tomas's forehead, ruffling his hair. Tomas snuggles into his chest a little, knowing that he is not making fun of him for being a half breed. --- Tomas is walking down an alley on his way to his grandmother's house to get ready for this evening. He was a little nervous, but Elfie had assumed him all would be okay. He shouldn't be paranoid. It wasn't his fault, his parents had died ten years earlier, it was a car accident, and Elfie was helping him see that.
He hears gunshots, and then,"One-Adam-26, requesting backup....shoots fired" He hears, and stops, that's Elfie's number. He turns the corner. He saw a police car a few blocks away though, they should help him. He watches in awe as Elfie tries his best to stay behind the car. He wonders where the backup car is, it shouldn't take that long, and the officers were sitting in their car.
He hears another gunshot, and watches as Elfie is shot. He waits, panicked, not sure what he should do. Five minutes later, the other car pulls up. He wants to run up to them screaming. Then, he sees something. One of the officers pays off the guy who shot Elfie. "Good job, we don't need feys on the squad. You have done us a great service." Tomas turns, and run sobbing. He caused another death on his birthday. --- "I'm such an idiot, I am going to get Julien killed... I didn't mean to be selfish, ..I need him though...I just want him to see that."
Papers in the roadside tell of suffering and grief
Fear today forgot tomorrow beside the news of holy war and holy need
Our's is just a little sorrowed talk' just blown away
And I won't cry for yesterday there's an ordinary world somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive
Every world is my world 'I will learn to survive'
Any world is my world 'I will learn to survive'
Any world is my world' every world is our world' every world
Dear Julien, I know you probably will rip this up. You don't need mail from prison, though I maybe getting out soon. That isn't the point though. I know you hate me, and don't want me in your life. I will stay away. I'm sorry of what happened, and I wish you a speedy recovery. I was going to ask if we could be friends, but I am sure you don't want that. And the truth is that I don't know how to be anyone's friend. I only know how to be the puppet people want me to be. I can't open up. I know you have your own personal demons, and don't care about mine. I wish you happiness though, the happiness I will never have. I don't hold it against you anymore. I know whatever rift between us, is mainly due to my trying to make you something you are not. Best of luck, Tomas Motyashik