He closes the mailbox with a soft bang, and begins to walk towards the
front door. He stops a second, and looks at the splendors God has given him
today. The sun is shining bright, and the flowers are just beginning to
bloom, and you can hardly tell that there is a season called winter,
especially since it is California. California has always had a deep
resentment for the word, and some people act like it isn't in the
dictionary.
He takes in a breath of fresh air and walks back into the house. He closes the door behind, and begins to sort through the mail. Most of it is bills. He puts these in one of the slots of a mail sorter, labeled bills. One of the envelopes is a large pink envelope, and he figures it is a birthday card for his wife, from her sister in Maryland. He places that in the slot marked Vanessa. The last envelope is a small security envelope. It is addressed to him. He wonders who would be writing him, he rarely gets many personal letters. He checks the upper left corner where the return address is supposed to be, he finds nothing written there. He looks at the postmark; it is postmarked from Pelican Bay.
He can't believe that man would even try to write him. He sighs. He guesses the decent thing to do would to be at least to read it. He opens it up and finds a piece of paper neatly folded in half. He unfolds the paper, he doesn't read it right off, just looking at the small neatly typed paragraphed, with the small signature. Something feels wrong about this note. It reminds him of a suicide note he had found one time at a crime scene.
He reads the note. It says as follows :
Dear Julien,
I know you probably will rip this up. You don't need mail from prison, though I maybe getting out soon. That isn't the point though. I know you hate me, and don't want me in your life. I will stay away. I'm sorry of what happened, and I wish you a speedy recovery. I was going to ask if we could be friends, but I am sure you don't want that. And the truth is that I don't know how to be anyone's friend. I only know how to be the puppet people want me to be. I can't open up.
I know you have your own personal demons, and don't care about mine. I wish you happiness though, the happiness I will never have. I don't hold it against you anymore. I know whatever rift between us, is mainly due to my trying to make you something you are not.
Best of luck,
Tomas Motyashik
He stares at the paper for a moment, trying to decide what to do. He told Tomas at one time to stay out of his life forever. But this letter, seems so permanent so sad. The words seem like they were crafted by someone different than Tomas. Like a tragic playwright. He frowns softly. He never oh course saw any of Tomas's writing, and knew from his own experience that people can write differently than they could talk. He doesn't understand how this simple paragraph, could make him start to wonder about things. Did he even know who Tomas really was, maybe it had been his fault they had drifted. He walks into the kitchen, trying to stop this flurry of thoughts that had come into his mind.
He sits down in one of the chairs. He remembers how he didn't want anything to do with Tomas because he reminded him of his feelings of something that was against the bible. The one thing, he doesn't remember trying was to be more than the dominating one in a sexual relationship. The Christian thing to do would be to try to be Tomas's friend, and he had never done that, he had try to keep Tomas as far away as possible.
Chapter 2: Trek
The words on the book don't seem to be able to be comprehended anymore by the man sitting at the small table. He rubs his eyes He needs to get this paper done, it is due for a course he is taking. Who, is he kidding though, it would do no good if he got his Masters anyway. His thesis wasn't going to be some masterpiece, and there was nothing he could do with the Masters anyway. Not from prison.
He sighs. He writes a brief note on the pad next to him, and puts his pencil down, looking around the library.
There are no other inmates in here as of right now, so that is a good thing. He closes the textbook, and sets it under the desk, along with the notepad. He walks to a stack of books that have been returned, he will re- shelve them right now, while he is thinking of it. He laughs softly to himself, he can imagine some of the people who claim to be his friend finding out he works in the prison library, and chose to work here. What do they matter anyway, they weren't ever there for him when he needed it.
He picks up several of the books, and walks to the law section to begin re- shelving them. He hears someone come into the library, but figures whoever it is will find him if they need anything. He hears one of the guards talking, but can't distinguish what is being said. Probably the standard warning that this is a library, they are being monitored and should be on their best behavior. He places the books on the shelf, where they belong, and readjusts some of the books that had been put in the wrong spots. He goes back to the desk to get the rest of the books, when he stops, noticing a man wearing a visitor's pass. Someone he thought he would never see.
"So,Tomas, you work in the library?" The man asks, though the tension of the man could be felt. This is awkward in a way for both of them.
"Is there a problem with that?" He asks, sounding angrier than it should. He frowns, and stops. He isn't going to apologize though.
"No," The man pauses a little bit nervous. "There is nothing wrong with that. I didn't mean it to sound like that...its..." The man takes a deep breath. "I got your note this week...and it made me start to think about a lot of things...I thought we could talk..if its okay."
Chapter 3: Confusion
"Are you going to answer my question?"
Two dark eyes watch him. Tomas doesn't know how to respond to that question. He has things to say, but he also said everything he needed to in the letter. Though, maybe he didn't say enough. He walks over to Julien, turns his head sideways, and lays it on his chest, his arms go limply around Julien's waist.
Julien wraps his arms around Tomas. He isn't sure how to interpret this. He wants to say something but isn't sure exactly what to say. He places his chin on Tomas's head, staring ahead of him. Before, he actually might not have been able to place Tomas' at a library, and even if this is a prison library, he can see why Tomas wanted to work here. He only knew Tomas had requested this because the guard told him. He remembers something else that the guard had asked him about. "Happy birthday." He whispers softly.
Tomas pulls away, watching him. "How did you know it was my birthday?" His eyes appear to be harboring some unspeakable sadness.
Julien tilts his head slightly, wondering if he should let him know the truth. He frowns slightly. "The guard asked me if I came here to give you birthday wishes. It hit me then that last year, when you got mad at me for not seeing you one day, it was around this time. I get the sense something happened on your birthday, once, do you want to talk about it?" He is going to say something else but stops. He really has no business asking. He needs to win back Tomas's confidence first.
"We need to talk, but I don't think about that... Not right now." Maybe never, Tomas thinks. "But...I have said everything I needed to say right now..."
"Really?" Julien raises his eyebrows a little, "It seemed to me, that I always cut you off before, of saying what you really needed to say. But if you think you have...let me start then...I am sorry...I was selfish, I wanted to get rid of you, and I did abandon you, and I did it because I wanted to get away from temptation. I see know that was the wrong thing to do, and I do wish we can be friends. But I respect that you will need time to trust me again."
"You shouldn't be apologizing...I am not someone ..." Tomas stops, feeling tears begin to form. There is so much that he wants to say to Julien, but he doesn't know if he can. He sighs. This wouldn't be so hard if he didn't try to hide these feelings from himself to begin with. "I know you came here with best intentions, you usually do, and I know the words you say have some bit of truth to them, but the truth is. I don't know if we can be friends. As I said in the note, I am not really sure how to be someone's friend. The last real friend I had was almost ten years ago... How can I be sure you aren't here because of your sense of duty. You feel you have to apologize because you realized you may have screwed up...But you..." He stops. He turns and walks back into the stacks of books.
Chapter 4: Falling apart Author's note: this is written in Tomas's POV
As a kid, I use to hide in books, it was a defense mechanism in a way. In two years I will be thirty, you think I would have learned by now. I shouldn't have even written that note. Now things are more complicated. I am so stupid sometimes. I want to go back to him, and just stay in the warmth of his arms. But he probably thinks of me as unclean. I can't believe he even came today. And the thing that pisses me off, if all the things he said are right in a way. Why the hell does he have to always be right, to be perfect, to do the right thing? He came back because it is the right thing to do, for the cop to make friends with the criminal to help rehabilitate them.
I begin to reorganize some of the books, pretending to be busy, when I hear soft footsteps behind me. I hope it is an inmate, and that Julien left. But I know its not when he touches my shoulder softly.
I turn towards him, shrugging the shoulder off. "I don't think you even know anything about me..." I remember a similar conversation we had, but he was the one who had said that before. That probably wasn't the best way to word it. Good thing I am an English major, because I word things so crappy. I can't even manage to make a simple question not sound angry. But I don't want to cry in front of him, and I know I am on the edge of that. I might have been okay, but stupid guard. I can't believe he told him it was my birthday, and now he is feeling guilty.
"I know deep down you are a good person." His brown eyes seem to soften.
Why does he have to remind me so much of Elfie? I should have kept my distance before. Now I have to deal with all these feelings again. I feel a tear streaming down my cheek. Damn it, I didn't want to cry. I sigh deeply. "That may be so...But you should just go back home, and enjoy your new family, and living on..."
He cuts me off, pulling me into a deep hug, not commenting, as I begin to sob.
Chapter 5: Resolution? Author's note: This is written in Julien POV.
I found slightly, holding him in my arms, as he cries. I wish I knew what to say, and I wish I knew exactly why he was crying. Maybe if I had paid more attention, I may have had a clue. But it's not like he wanted to talk much, and then some of the time it was an act. I was so desperate to get rid of him, especially when he dropped by the station. He had been putting on an act, I can tell. I wish I knew why. I couldn't figure out before how similar we are. We both seem to be fighting these inner demons, that want to take over our lives, and we both hide it through anger. So, does this mean I am as bad as some of the criminals?
Tomas pulls away from me. "I'm sorry I got your shirt all wet...Look, you probably should leave..." He pauses for a second, as if holding something back.
"Maybe I should come back on another day, obviously today was a bad day."
He gives me a soft, obviously faked smile. "Today isn't as bad a birthday as next year. I..." His voice gets quiet as he speaks again. "I am glad you came...its just." He frowns slightly. He drops his head, and looks down at the ground. It reminds me of a similar conversation we had, what seemed like ages ago. It was right before Mackey had busted in on us that one time. Though in a way I was glad that day that Mackey had busted in, but I didn't like the fact he was able to see something that I didn't really want anyone to know about. I have a feeling I wasn't meant to be a homosexual, but I let myself be led to temptation, when I should have been concentrating on becoming Tomas's friend.
"What is next year?"
"I turn 29."
"Why is that bad?"
"It's complicated....you should leave Julien...I'll write you, I was always better writing things down...I think it might be easy that way for both of us. To write all we want to say down, then there will be less awkwardness...Is that okay?"
"We are doing things on your terms, not mine. So, if that is easier, fine." A part of me, says I should protest, that he might write me love letters. But the rest of me thinks it might be a good idea. I will be able to get some things out this way as well.
"That's what we will do then, but in the letters we have to be honest with each other, and we can't be rebuked for anything we write in the letters."
"That sounds fair."
Tomas pulls me into a small hug. "okay, go home, then...and that is the arrangement."
I nod. "Good bye."
"Goodbye." I walk out of the library, feeling a bit better, but feeling more confused. But maybe I will have some of the answers I am looking to find soon.
He takes in a breath of fresh air and walks back into the house. He closes the door behind, and begins to sort through the mail. Most of it is bills. He puts these in one of the slots of a mail sorter, labeled bills. One of the envelopes is a large pink envelope, and he figures it is a birthday card for his wife, from her sister in Maryland. He places that in the slot marked Vanessa. The last envelope is a small security envelope. It is addressed to him. He wonders who would be writing him, he rarely gets many personal letters. He checks the upper left corner where the return address is supposed to be, he finds nothing written there. He looks at the postmark; it is postmarked from Pelican Bay.
He can't believe that man would even try to write him. He sighs. He guesses the decent thing to do would to be at least to read it. He opens it up and finds a piece of paper neatly folded in half. He unfolds the paper, he doesn't read it right off, just looking at the small neatly typed paragraphed, with the small signature. Something feels wrong about this note. It reminds him of a suicide note he had found one time at a crime scene.
He reads the note. It says as follows :
Dear Julien,
I know you probably will rip this up. You don't need mail from prison, though I maybe getting out soon. That isn't the point though. I know you hate me, and don't want me in your life. I will stay away. I'm sorry of what happened, and I wish you a speedy recovery. I was going to ask if we could be friends, but I am sure you don't want that. And the truth is that I don't know how to be anyone's friend. I only know how to be the puppet people want me to be. I can't open up.
I know you have your own personal demons, and don't care about mine. I wish you happiness though, the happiness I will never have. I don't hold it against you anymore. I know whatever rift between us, is mainly due to my trying to make you something you are not.
Best of luck,
Tomas Motyashik
He stares at the paper for a moment, trying to decide what to do. He told Tomas at one time to stay out of his life forever. But this letter, seems so permanent so sad. The words seem like they were crafted by someone different than Tomas. Like a tragic playwright. He frowns softly. He never oh course saw any of Tomas's writing, and knew from his own experience that people can write differently than they could talk. He doesn't understand how this simple paragraph, could make him start to wonder about things. Did he even know who Tomas really was, maybe it had been his fault they had drifted. He walks into the kitchen, trying to stop this flurry of thoughts that had come into his mind.
He sits down in one of the chairs. He remembers how he didn't want anything to do with Tomas because he reminded him of his feelings of something that was against the bible. The one thing, he doesn't remember trying was to be more than the dominating one in a sexual relationship. The Christian thing to do would be to try to be Tomas's friend, and he had never done that, he had try to keep Tomas as far away as possible.
Chapter 2: Trek
The words on the book don't seem to be able to be comprehended anymore by the man sitting at the small table. He rubs his eyes He needs to get this paper done, it is due for a course he is taking. Who, is he kidding though, it would do no good if he got his Masters anyway. His thesis wasn't going to be some masterpiece, and there was nothing he could do with the Masters anyway. Not from prison.
He sighs. He writes a brief note on the pad next to him, and puts his pencil down, looking around the library.
There are no other inmates in here as of right now, so that is a good thing. He closes the textbook, and sets it under the desk, along with the notepad. He walks to a stack of books that have been returned, he will re- shelve them right now, while he is thinking of it. He laughs softly to himself, he can imagine some of the people who claim to be his friend finding out he works in the prison library, and chose to work here. What do they matter anyway, they weren't ever there for him when he needed it.
He picks up several of the books, and walks to the law section to begin re- shelving them. He hears someone come into the library, but figures whoever it is will find him if they need anything. He hears one of the guards talking, but can't distinguish what is being said. Probably the standard warning that this is a library, they are being monitored and should be on their best behavior. He places the books on the shelf, where they belong, and readjusts some of the books that had been put in the wrong spots. He goes back to the desk to get the rest of the books, when he stops, noticing a man wearing a visitor's pass. Someone he thought he would never see.
"So,Tomas, you work in the library?" The man asks, though the tension of the man could be felt. This is awkward in a way for both of them.
"Is there a problem with that?" He asks, sounding angrier than it should. He frowns, and stops. He isn't going to apologize though.
"No," The man pauses a little bit nervous. "There is nothing wrong with that. I didn't mean it to sound like that...its..." The man takes a deep breath. "I got your note this week...and it made me start to think about a lot of things...I thought we could talk..if its okay."
Chapter 3: Confusion
"Are you going to answer my question?"
Two dark eyes watch him. Tomas doesn't know how to respond to that question. He has things to say, but he also said everything he needed to in the letter. Though, maybe he didn't say enough. He walks over to Julien, turns his head sideways, and lays it on his chest, his arms go limply around Julien's waist.
Julien wraps his arms around Tomas. He isn't sure how to interpret this. He wants to say something but isn't sure exactly what to say. He places his chin on Tomas's head, staring ahead of him. Before, he actually might not have been able to place Tomas' at a library, and even if this is a prison library, he can see why Tomas wanted to work here. He only knew Tomas had requested this because the guard told him. He remembers something else that the guard had asked him about. "Happy birthday." He whispers softly.
Tomas pulls away, watching him. "How did you know it was my birthday?" His eyes appear to be harboring some unspeakable sadness.
Julien tilts his head slightly, wondering if he should let him know the truth. He frowns slightly. "The guard asked me if I came here to give you birthday wishes. It hit me then that last year, when you got mad at me for not seeing you one day, it was around this time. I get the sense something happened on your birthday, once, do you want to talk about it?" He is going to say something else but stops. He really has no business asking. He needs to win back Tomas's confidence first.
"We need to talk, but I don't think about that... Not right now." Maybe never, Tomas thinks. "But...I have said everything I needed to say right now..."
"Really?" Julien raises his eyebrows a little, "It seemed to me, that I always cut you off before, of saying what you really needed to say. But if you think you have...let me start then...I am sorry...I was selfish, I wanted to get rid of you, and I did abandon you, and I did it because I wanted to get away from temptation. I see know that was the wrong thing to do, and I do wish we can be friends. But I respect that you will need time to trust me again."
"You shouldn't be apologizing...I am not someone ..." Tomas stops, feeling tears begin to form. There is so much that he wants to say to Julien, but he doesn't know if he can. He sighs. This wouldn't be so hard if he didn't try to hide these feelings from himself to begin with. "I know you came here with best intentions, you usually do, and I know the words you say have some bit of truth to them, but the truth is. I don't know if we can be friends. As I said in the note, I am not really sure how to be someone's friend. The last real friend I had was almost ten years ago... How can I be sure you aren't here because of your sense of duty. You feel you have to apologize because you realized you may have screwed up...But you..." He stops. He turns and walks back into the stacks of books.
Chapter 4: Falling apart Author's note: this is written in Tomas's POV
As a kid, I use to hide in books, it was a defense mechanism in a way. In two years I will be thirty, you think I would have learned by now. I shouldn't have even written that note. Now things are more complicated. I am so stupid sometimes. I want to go back to him, and just stay in the warmth of his arms. But he probably thinks of me as unclean. I can't believe he even came today. And the thing that pisses me off, if all the things he said are right in a way. Why the hell does he have to always be right, to be perfect, to do the right thing? He came back because it is the right thing to do, for the cop to make friends with the criminal to help rehabilitate them.
I begin to reorganize some of the books, pretending to be busy, when I hear soft footsteps behind me. I hope it is an inmate, and that Julien left. But I know its not when he touches my shoulder softly.
I turn towards him, shrugging the shoulder off. "I don't think you even know anything about me..." I remember a similar conversation we had, but he was the one who had said that before. That probably wasn't the best way to word it. Good thing I am an English major, because I word things so crappy. I can't even manage to make a simple question not sound angry. But I don't want to cry in front of him, and I know I am on the edge of that. I might have been okay, but stupid guard. I can't believe he told him it was my birthday, and now he is feeling guilty.
"I know deep down you are a good person." His brown eyes seem to soften.
Why does he have to remind me so much of Elfie? I should have kept my distance before. Now I have to deal with all these feelings again. I feel a tear streaming down my cheek. Damn it, I didn't want to cry. I sigh deeply. "That may be so...But you should just go back home, and enjoy your new family, and living on..."
He cuts me off, pulling me into a deep hug, not commenting, as I begin to sob.
Chapter 5: Resolution? Author's note: This is written in Julien POV.
I found slightly, holding him in my arms, as he cries. I wish I knew what to say, and I wish I knew exactly why he was crying. Maybe if I had paid more attention, I may have had a clue. But it's not like he wanted to talk much, and then some of the time it was an act. I was so desperate to get rid of him, especially when he dropped by the station. He had been putting on an act, I can tell. I wish I knew why. I couldn't figure out before how similar we are. We both seem to be fighting these inner demons, that want to take over our lives, and we both hide it through anger. So, does this mean I am as bad as some of the criminals?
Tomas pulls away from me. "I'm sorry I got your shirt all wet...Look, you probably should leave..." He pauses for a second, as if holding something back.
"Maybe I should come back on another day, obviously today was a bad day."
He gives me a soft, obviously faked smile. "Today isn't as bad a birthday as next year. I..." His voice gets quiet as he speaks again. "I am glad you came...its just." He frowns slightly. He drops his head, and looks down at the ground. It reminds me of a similar conversation we had, what seemed like ages ago. It was right before Mackey had busted in on us that one time. Though in a way I was glad that day that Mackey had busted in, but I didn't like the fact he was able to see something that I didn't really want anyone to know about. I have a feeling I wasn't meant to be a homosexual, but I let myself be led to temptation, when I should have been concentrating on becoming Tomas's friend.
"What is next year?"
"I turn 29."
"Why is that bad?"
"It's complicated....you should leave Julien...I'll write you, I was always better writing things down...I think it might be easy that way for both of us. To write all we want to say down, then there will be less awkwardness...Is that okay?"
"We are doing things on your terms, not mine. So, if that is easier, fine." A part of me, says I should protest, that he might write me love letters. But the rest of me thinks it might be a good idea. I will be able to get some things out this way as well.
"That's what we will do then, but in the letters we have to be honest with each other, and we can't be rebuked for anything we write in the letters."
"That sounds fair."
Tomas pulls me into a small hug. "okay, go home, then...and that is the arrangement."
I nod. "Good bye."
"Goodbye." I walk out of the library, feeling a bit better, but feeling more confused. But maybe I will have some of the answers I am looking to find soon.