Seyruun High Jinx –NEXT!
Chapter Seven
Xelloss' Journal, Part 2
" Was I on the inside looking out or was I on the outside looking in? One thing was for certain, confusion was a good friend of mine." --Xelloss
This time, Zelgadiss simply threw his wet swimming things into the washer and hid himself in his room. He removed the journal from under his pillow and became immersed immediately in Xelloss' story.
Another Journal entry-
Oh well...I remember those times all differently, I guess. Maybe I'll keep mother's little notes and pictures awhile longer…in a box in the closet. I don't know why.
Memories. Shall I salvage another piece of my synoptically damaged brain? Why not? I'll just concentrate and see if I can't just scrape up another of those younger WONDER years. Ah, yes… Like the time I told Gaav that I'd like to learn how to dance! He was tying to teach me to box or something and mentioned 'dancing around' and I told him 'sure!' and tried to waltz with him. He nearly beat the shit out of me.
I should have seen it coming. It hadn't been the first time he'd done that. Yeah, like this other time I remember…
I walked in the back door, with my head still spinning from all the strange and disconcerting thoughts I'd been having lately. Mistake number one. Mother could sense these little opportunities from a mile away, I think. As soon as I had stepped in the door, she made her first move.
"Xelly...can you take out the trash tonight? Tomorrow's garbage day..."
"Huh?" I paused, a bit slow on the uptake.
Damn. She caught me off guard again! I hadn't been able to clear my head and focus on the serious business of family life before I entered the battlefield. I had been surprised (okay, and a little intimidated, as always) to see my stepfather standing in the kitchen when I came in. The man was the size of a house and mean when he was drunk, which was more of the time than he was sober, and he was crushing a beer can in one hand.
That momentary little hesitation was all it took. As soon as I realized that I hadn't really paid complete attention to what she said, my heart sank. In front of Gaav, no screw-ups were allowed, no matter how trivial. And there was definitely nothing trivial about an opportunity for him to jump all over my ass, as far as he was concerned.
"What… mother?" I asked sheepishly.
"Goddamit Xelloss! Pull your head out of your ass and listen to your mother once in a while. Shit, I can't believe you sometimes. Don't you speak fuckin' English?"
Don't' you? I was tempted to say. Instead, I tried to defend myself. "Yes father, of course I do... but I'd barely even gotten inside the door when..." I began, but I was cut short by another blast of curses.
Oh and, sorry for the language (I'm apologizing to myself? How nuts is that? Well, I guess I just have too much respect for myself…) Gaav talked that way and it wouldn't be right not to capture some of the flavor of the character now 'just like I was taught in composition class'! Moving on…
Then he waved me off dismissively as he gave me his patented look of disgust and disappointment..."Don't give me any of your Bullshit attitude! Just do what she fuckin' asked you to do...you know your mother doesn't expect that much from you, at least you could fuckin' pay attention. Hell, what a fuckin' idiot you are sometimes. Wake up!" Gaav yelled. He was just getting warmed up. I could tell he was starting to enjoy this, as usual, when the half-empty beer can sailed through the air at my head.
God, I really hated him sometimes (Okay, you're right I should be honest here...) all of the time. Val, I don't know how you survived to become the really and truly terrific person you are today. I really do not. How long did you suffer that manic as your stepfather? Thirteen years! And you didn't try to kill yourself? I know you ran off a lot, but he always managed to get you back, didn't he? Well, now he's dead and gone like the other creeps.
Hurray!
Ah…well… eventually Gaav was gone… out of my life (and into yours, sorry Val) a few months later. For good. Wrong word. No good came to my life after that-- until Lina, that is. That's because mother-dearest was always looking out for my good. There's that word again…
I remember an endless stream of painful and boring days at school, followed by awkward family dinners—just me, mother, and another one of her boyfriends. Mercifully, the meal would be over, and I would trudge up the stairs to my room. My sanctuary. We had moved around a bit when I was younger, I suppose because my parents were embarrassed about their age differences. I mean, my father was a professor at the university when he married my mother at about fourteen! We were out in the country at one time, but that didn't last for long. One thing I shared with my mother was the love of the city and all its excitement.
Anyway, mother and I were settled into the home which only recently burned down. And I had my own room all to myself. My sanctuary, I'll say it again. I'd trained her pretty well. She wouldn't disturb me in my room, unless the house was on fire or something. She noticed I'd matured sexually rather early and left me plenty of private time (I won't write about that embarrassing instance when she walked in without knocking and caught me 'busy' doing what young guys do.) And I practically never left my room. For awhile, until my age of wanderlust set in. My wonderful room. I really loved that room. I had my own bathroom attached to my bedroom, and I could hop in the shower any time I felt like it. This became more important to me as time went on, which I gotta explain pretty soon. The start of my obsessive-compulsiveness with neatness and cleanliness.Okay, so maybe the water bill got a little high sometimes. Hey, at least I was always clean! HA, HA!
Guess that's what upset me so much when my mother turned over that room to Zelgadiss. Although I had my own place (the converted garage with loft), that first room had once been both my sanctum and my hell on earth…
So what had gotten me started with the cleaning compulsion? Mother had started me with those dancing lessons, finally. Art wasn't for me, but the dancing got me excited plus it was physical. Unfortunately, not all of the physical part was what I'd expected. I might as well get this part over with… The dance instructor was a pedophile (well, mother hadn't planned that part, maybe…then later I think she was disappointed that I hadn't turned out to be gay to suit her purposes…). Then there I come. I was just too pretty to ignore, too hungry to succeed and be the center of attention. I loved the attention. At first, Du Bois just fawned on me, excessively. The other kids were envious, some of them…the one's he'd not abused before me. Those kids were probably relieved and pitied me. Pity or hate, but no friends. I was a good dancer, better than good! I was a gifted, dedicated student in dance. I excelled and he showered me with praises and extra time. Those extra hours, where we were alone…well, my nightmares were just beginning.
So back to the story…ah yes…bad day at school…family dinner…off to my room… Upon entering my room, I immediately flopped down on my bed, and kicked my shoes off onto the floor. Gods, I just didn't know what was wrong with me. Everything in my life just felt strange to me...I lived in this constant state of anxiety and frustration with the world...like I woke up one day and found out that I got cast in the wrong movie...my script just doesn't seem to match with anyone else's. In my heart, I just knew that things weren't supposed to be that way! I think I was permanently stuck in the twilight zone. Somebody must have made a mistake somewhere, I was sure. I just had this growing sense of despair inside of me. It felt like a huge chasm growing between myself and the rest of the world, that slowly kept getting wider and wider. I was worried that pretty soon I wouldn't be able to see across to the other side. I guess I'm afraid I'm losing touch with reality...their reality, not mine. I just felt really alone, I guess. I was totally convinced that I was the only sexually abused boy for at least a fifty-mile radius. Who could have possibly understood even just a little bit of what went on inside my messed up head?
I…ah…won't describe what happened to me. I certainly don't want to write that kinda stuff down. Pornographic sicko … I mean, I'm the one reading this and I don't want to. The mutilation was only the icing on the cake, lousy comparison. I can even watch the video if I want to relive it again in color. In my nightmares, it's black and white, good and evil… blood is black. I feel sick now. Which brings me right back to my need-to-be-clean thing.
First, let me discuss this intelligently. OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, came on in a flash, right after my stepfather started touching me in those places, if you get my meaning.
Right. Compulsions are the behaviors, or actions, that someone with OCD does to try to shut down the worry thoughts. Another name for compulsions is rituals. By doing compulsions, people with OCD hope to keep bad things they worry about from happening. They think that doing a certain ritual will make a bad feeling go away, and they feel scared that if they don't do the ritual something bad will happen.
The exact cause of OCD is not clear. Research has shown that it may be associated with a chemical imbalance in the brain. Surprise! Medicines, including ones called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), can be effective in treating OCD. SSRIs make serotonin (a brain chemical) more available where it is needed. This effect may help correct the chemical imbalance that may have led to OCD. Got that? Okay, here comes the other side. In addition, experts recognize behavior therapy as an important, effective treatment for OCD. In behavior therapy, the therapist uses different methods to help patients feel less worried about their obsessions and to spend less time on rituals or obsessive thoughts.
Question. Which method of treatment do you think my mother, no Zelas (at this time she stopped the pretense of any 'motherliness' and so I called her 'Zelas'), an expert a many fields of mental dis-impairment and sadistic cruelty, chose for her beloved only son? Bingo! More drugs to add to the chemical imbalance in my brain.
Here's another 'day-in-the-life' story! Every morning, I'd take a long shower and get dressed before school just like other kids. But then I'd wash my hands and arms for an hour before breakfast. I might have wanted to stop, but my hands just didn't feel clean enough and I couldn't get myself to turn off the water. Sometimes I'd scrubs my hands so hard that they'd become red and raw. Now that was really bad for Karate and my drumming. After eating, I'd feel that I had to wash again and clean my bedroom until it was spotless.
It would take so long to wash and dress that I'd have to rush to get to school on time. My days were miserable. I'd try not to touch doorknobs or handrails, worrying that if I did I might catch a serious disease. Clearly the meds weren't working. The problem was not going away. Then there were so many bottles I might have taken the wrong stuff occasionally.
I'd get behind in my class work because I'd need to keep checking it repeatedly. During a quiz or test I'd check and re-check every answer and erase anything that wasn't perfectly straight or neat, which with my ADD problems meant I got very nearly nothing accomplished. I would worry that if everything was not perfect, something terrible would happen. And it would, of course because all that had nothing to do with keeping the abuse from happening-- get it now? I felt dirty and used and bad and I wanted to get clean and pure and perfect. At night, I couldn't go to bed until I had straightened my already clean room and bathed several times, leaving little time for homework or much else. Often I recall staying up late getting things in her room 'just right' and would be dead tired the next day.
Oh, um then Du Bois married my mother and moved in. That made things more convenient.
Lucky for me the compulsive shit seemed to 'cure itself' once my abuse stopped, that or all the drugs finally fried that part of my brain. Well, that can't be true because I still have just a tiny bit of that in me, don't I? I still do like a clean place and a clean body, though I'm a lot less critical now than ever, except when it comes to my hair. And I can live with that little foible!
Approaching My High School years…
But first…more on ADD! This I got off of a website so bear with me…Early discussions of AD/HD theorized that individuals outgrew the disorder (Ingram, Hechtman, & Morgenstein, 1999). This notion has been dispelled by long-term studies showing that anywhere from 70-80 percent of children with AD/HD exhibit significant signs of restlessness and distractibility into adolescence and young adulthood, while a large percentage suffer co-morbid psychiatric disorders, academic failure, and social isolation and/or rejection (Barkley et al., 1990; Barkley, 1998). Cuffe et al. (2001) found that children with persistent AD/HD have more severe AD/HD and adverse risk factors later in life. Adverse factors impact the expression of AD/HD and increase the risk for associated disorders that compromise adjustment over the lifespan. Thus, AD/HD is a lifelong disorder that requires a developmental framework for appropriate diagnosis and treatment (Teeter, 1998).
Whoa, maybe I should tell my doctor about this! I don't think he even suspects. I am just too good an actor for my own good it seems!
Skipping right along…
After my eventual release from the hospital after my stepfather molested and tortured and maimed me to near death… I got depressed and tried to kill myself and got sent up to the local mental institute. Whew! My, my… that did fly right by didn't it? Funny, at the time it seemed to take forever. Or no time at all. Timeless in fact.
Out.
Of.
Time.
Whoa, Nelly! Where I'm I going with this? Back to work! Focus, Xelloss!
I often suffered temper tantrums at home if I didn't get my way. That was so easy to write! I was a temperamental kid before, mind you, but at this time I was worse than ever. My mother had my own place built in place of a garage, so I no longer had to re-live my past horrors in my once cherished bedroom in the main house. I had been condemned to the nut house following my first suicide attempt in that bedroom. That resulted in a flood of antidepressants added to the already overwhelming amount of OCD and ADD drugs being pumped through my system. Then, just to top it off and (hopefully) send me over the deep end, I had been purposely and maliciously misdiagnosed in the hospital with schizophrenia and given massive dosages of anti-psychotic drugs.
I walked around like a zombie in the hospital and then out of it, when I actually took the medication --or, more like it, couldn't avoid it. I lived in a twilight world until my second year of high school when I met Lina and my world changed forever. Let's see if I can remember any of the meds! I was on Effexor, Klonopin and Neurontin. Some psychostimulants even though I became agitated on Wellbutrin. Oh, this is no fun to write about! Like any of this is…
So, home at last and not speaking to Zelas and my stepfather safely locked away where he couldn't hurt me again (Sure, sure…in a bell tower at the school for gods'sakes! Wow, that's so much fun to write now that I know they're both dead, dead, dead! How many hours of psychiatric care did it take for me to be able to write about that with a sense of humor? I've made that man a millionaire…) I was either at the dojo or playing the drums…I know I left that part out but I get going and do that. It wasn't like I was trying to avoid talking about something…or maybe it was. Anyway, if I wasn't doing karate or practicing drums, I could usually be found in my place on the computer.
Yeah, or out and about enjoying the freedom I'd had stripped away from me while in lock down at the nut house. These became my free-wheeling days of exploration…
Here's an example of those days:
After two hours of flipping through websites, joking with strangers via e-mail, downloading viruses to crash sites containing kidporn, and trying to hitch rides out of this world using my little computer, I often decided to take a walk. I did this often and got to know everyone within a two-mile radius that ever stepped out-of-doors or owned a business. People loved me-- older people that is. I didn't talk to kids my age except when I had to at the dojo. Some days I'd walk for hours and lose myself downtown, until the sun was finally easing below the horizon. The chaos of heavy traffic, bright lights and flashing neon signs soothed and organized my scatty brain. The world overflowed my mind as I strolled along the crowded walkway downtown. Normal conversation, the padding of sneakers, the rush of moving doors, the clang of outdoor restaurant goers, the swoosh of slow traffic--all became thunderous, drumming on my ears, beating on my skull.
Yes, I had let the medication wear off. Silly me. I rummaged through my pockets for another dose of the ADD stuff, wondering why I needed it. The books never got read, I didn't dance anymore and I didn't get invited to any parties. I swallowed it anyway and focused on getting to the dojo. Yes, maybe I could relax there. The walkway in front of the dojo was crowded with youngsters with neon-striped hair and nose rings. Their laughter seared my mind. They were so loud, both on my ears and on my eyes, that I was nearly hit by a car while crossing the street.
Inside my world grew smaller, controlled. It was a place known to me as SAFE. Yes, my mind slowed and smoothed. Who would understand? Was I on the inside looking out or was I on the outside looking in? One thing was for certain, confusion was a good friend of mine.
High school:
It totally struck me when I was sitting in my homeroom class one morning in my first year of high school… Did I mention missing middle school? I think I skipped the whole getting messed up, hospitalized years didn't I? Why? Because that's a secret…well no I already wrote that I'd rather not write about that stuff. Ah well… I'm in my high school period now and there's no going back at this time. I'm going to write in a cohesive single-time-frame style. Here goes…
As I looked around the classroom, I realized that I didn't really know any of these kids, and, of course, they didn't really know me either. Oh, they might have thought they knew what I was, but you can bet they were way off…all wrong. Nobody knew who I wa as a living, real person. In fact, most didn't even know I existed that year. And worse yet, nobody seemed to really care! But, I guess I didn't do anything to make anybody want to know me, either. I think that deep down I was afraid that even after they really did get to know me—especially after they got to really know me, what I'm I saying?-- they wouldn't like me anyway. See? Built in excuse for nobody liking me! (My shrink will love this breakthrough I bet!)
And another thing: a lot of people had been getting pissed off with me. I guess it was mostly because I was even more distracted than usual. I just couldn't help it! When my mind was totally consumed with something or in a haze of drugs, I'd have a hard time paying much attention to the outside world. I'd bump into things when I walked-- other people, drinking fountains, walls. Stuff like that. My teachers kept telling me that I wasn't working up to my potential.' Heck, like how would they even know? What potential? As a future child molester and perverted syndicate super genius?
Ah yes, I'd learned about all that syndicate crap along the way. How Zelas was not just the (gasp!) principal at my high school, but the head of an entire regional syndicate operation! Yawn…heard that all before, I know. But it was first year of high school that I got…involved, so to speak. Zelas told me that she had arranged our classes so that I would be able to observe two other kids of interest to her. That would be Lina and Zelgadiss.
We shared an advanced English class for homeroom, though they never noticed me, advanced biology, ditto, and I had a computer lab with Zelgadiss. Gods, he was a mess! (Sorry if you are reading that, little brother, but it was true of you back then. I can say that knowing that you know how I feel about you in the here and now.) He was always hiding his face and hands. He never spoke, well he did after he and I determined that we alone understood computers and how to control the world with our magical fingertips! I wanted to get to know him better, but I couldn't hold it together long enough to even become corporeal in his world. Lina, well, I fell in love with her the moment I saw her come into that first classroom. I'd sit in the way back so I could watch her walk in. So beautiful, self-assured, and self-absorbed! I dreamed about her every night and during the day…
But to Lina I was truly insubstantial!
I was a creature who existed only in the spiritual world. Occasionally my flesh and body form appeared in one of their classes, but only as an annoyance.
If things hadn't gotten any better… I was on the verge of another suicide attempt at any moment that year. But as I became more and more certain that that was what Zelas wanted me to do, I didn't. Instead, I'd spend a few weeks trying to run away and hide from my innermost feelings, only to have them sooner or later catch up with me.
Then, there'd be hell to pay. You think I'd learn after a while, wouldn't you now? Man, I'm getting' real tired of kicking my own ass, here. (Heh, I stole that line from my pal, Val, not that I knew him back then but it just seemed so a-pro-pre-at!) Um, I think that's enough about that year. On with the most exciting one!
Zelgadiss rubbed his eyes and checked the time. He should go to sleep, but he concentrated and tried to remember his own first year in high school. Ah…he was so in hate with himself and the world, he wondered how anyone could have wanted to get to know him. Well, no one but Lina and, at times, Gourry cared or tolerated him. He'd known Gourry before Lina, even babysat the little ones a few times. Gourry was a year ahead in school but they were on the same fencing team. In the fourth grade they played soccer together in Gourry's back yard. But those two were it; that is, after the accident. Before that everyone wanted to be around him, though he had been such an arrogant ass he mostly kept them all at a safe distance. Except Lina. Lina was…well, magical. Xelloss immediately sensed that about Lina too, huh. He hated dredging up the past like that. Better to get lost in someone else's worse one…
Somehow, I got through that first year back to a school with other kids. I don't know how to this day! I did come to a major decision, though and I began the first day of summer—no more medication. I knew I couldn't just stop abruptly. Who knows what my body would have done? I was afraid of landing back in the hospital and never being allowed out again. So, I slowly eliminated them a bit at a time, starting with the antidepressants and psychostimulants. I was very clever, too! Zelas never guessed. I took out the right number, washed them down the sink, and re-ordered new prescriptions on time. She never knew. I made it through the summer feeling better each day, well there were bad days, but gradually I was mostly drug free by the time the second year of high school began. I was still taking the ADD meds every so often, but cut those out too, just to say I could do it and still hold a conversation.
So when that second official year of high school rolled around I was ready. Then I got new 'orders'. Now I was to become friends with Lina and Zelgadiss, to start with, then others of Lina's comrades. I had to alter everyone's classes in time for the course schedules to get picked up.
Picking up schedules… I was really nervous about that day. I got my first migraine the morning I woke up and had to face them, my new 'orders', and my life without any drug crutch. The whole thing at school lasted only a half an hour, but I had been preparing all summer long! I did make it through…
I remember walking home from that preview to my second year of high school following my first real meeting of Lina and her gang. I had managed to get them all in a class, as per orders, and match their names to their faces. More importantly, to me personally though, was knowing that Zelgadiss and I would play some online game together later that afternoon. I was soooo excited! I took a deep breath, and relaxed a little bit when my feet finally landed on the sidewalk. I danced a few steps, the first in a very long time. I had successfully crossed the street. Wow! I know it doesn't sound like much, but sometimes you just gotta celebrate those little personal victories when you get the chance, ya know?
As I lay in my bed, trying to fall asleep that night, I was debating with myself whether I should return to the school the next day and try to befriend Zelgadiss, or not. On one hand, I was definitely a little bit afraid. Afraid of myself, and afraid of him thinking that I was afraid of him. I knew how I goofy could get around that type; his type, that is. You know, stone-faced, unfeeling, introverted, and serious. I was afraid that I'd start over-reacting in order to get a response out of him. I did not fail to outdo my worst fears. See, Zelgadiss was different still. He was smart and with those soul-searching eyes boring into me-- ugh, I was sunk! What an ass I made of myself that first day! Especially around him! I had to stop him from dropping that acting class. It had been the only one I could get all the 'other persons of interest' into. Imagine trying to find something that both Gourry and Zelgadiss could be in that wasn't a sport! Then add Amelia, a freshman ! The beginning acting class was about it! And Zelgadiss was determined to get out of being in it with the kids he knew!
Gods, what was I to say to him if he actually was there the next day? Worse, what if he wasn't? Or Lina? Or that hunk, Gourry? Or that Val punk!
I was totally convinced that more than one of them was capable of kicking my ass for no real reason, let alone if they thought I was actually looking at them or trying to weasel in on their conversations. Karate was one thing, 80 pounds and an extra foot of height was something else. Ah well, I wasn't afraid of Zelgadiss beating me up, really. I mean, he made me plenty nervous, but not for that reason. Like I said, it was those eyes of his. I felt like I could have absolutely no secrets from those damn eyes of his. I felt totally transparent in front of him. That scared the heck out of me. A lot.
Okay, I'm one of those people who think that the eyes are windows into the soul. Dumb, but I do. I was afraid that he could see into me and discover all my secrets. So, I had perfected the hidden-eye smile and kept my bangs long. I had secrets no one should have to live with and I wasn't ready to share them just yet.
Lina…she liked me from the start. At least she was the first to treat me as if I could belong in her little gang. You know, I can't write about her just yet. My heart just explodes!
Sure I can…
I can write about the time I told her how I felt, and kissed her. That momentous occasion happened after the band was formed and I had just enough confidence from having gained a few friends. Then I went a bit overboard. Wow, she scared me! She was so angry when I invaded her personal space that way!
You see, I was just hoping we could be...uh...well, that we could just be, you know…lovers. I was really horny all the time and I just wanted to touch every girl I could, but with Lina it was much, much worse. With her, I wanted it to be like in the movies. I'd just sweep her off her feet. So romantic! I wince to myself to this day when I realize just how stupid that idea was at the time.
Oh man!
Anyway, back to then…I still couldn't get past that one simple thought. Me and Lina. I was so sure that she knew how I felt. Surely she could see it! But, I didn't know her well enough to gauge what her reaction might be. Would she beat the shit out of me? Or just ignore me at school, maybe? Throw me out of the band!
Suddenly, I got a picture of her in my mind, watching smugly as half the football team was beating me to death in the main quad. No! She wouldn't do that, would she? She would probably get more pleasure out of doing the job herself. Just don't go there, I told myself, its way too painful to even think about.
So when we were alone that night walking back from the bakery and the snow was starting to fall and swirl and I needed to dance with her and…kiss her. That was a bad decision on my part. I was not…how did Zelgadiss put it? Ah yes, 'not considering the consequences of my actions'. Pretty accurate assessment, you have to admit! See why I should have been afraid of him? He could see right past my mask.
I remember the pain. Her slap. Her anger. Oh, my. What was I gonna do? How was I even gonna talk to her after that? As much as I was attracted to her physically, I was just as intrigued by the idea of simply knowing her as a person. There was just something about her. I had never met someone who sparked my curiosity like that...made me just want to get to know them better. Well, Zelgadiss sure, but that was different. He was a guy and well, that was different. Way different, thank the gods… Lina made me tingly all over!
Well…not right at that moment. I was lost in a depressing fog of painful emotions. The feeling of rejection I felt from it all crushed me a little bit inside. Another rejection. All of a sudden, it looked like I was back on the list of the uncool and unworthy. Heck, I was probably on the list of to-be-avoided-at-all-costs!' For some reason (okay, not some random reason...you know the reason!), I had been hoping we could almost be like, kinda boyfriend and girlfriend, or something...you know, beyond casual acquaintances... Now I prayed to any and all of the gods to work their magic, some miracle, which would allow me to talk to her again without breaking one of the million unwritten rules of high school society (that I never totally understood anyway). The passionate but nice boy inside me would settle for any stupid reason to get close to her. She was just so darn sexy to me...
Well, there was no need to worry anymore, that was for sure! It seemed unlikely that would ever happen. A wave of despair washed over me as I realized that I had once again managed to alienate someone before they even got a chance to really know me. Only this time, it hurt even more than usual.
Maybe I just needed to quit the whole 'having friends' bit and go back to my life in the shadowworld. All of a sudden, those shadows seemed so safe and welcoming...so familiar. More than anything, I wanted to hide. I wished I could just make the world stop for a while, so I could have some time to figure out what to do.
We, Lina and I, walked back to my house where the rest of the band was waiting. It took a little while, but we eventually made it. It was like trying to lead a scared dog back to its abusive master. If I went too fast, or made any vaguely threatening moves, I was sure she would just run away. OR was it the other way around?
I just needed to accept to the idea of being alone forever, because I really didn't see any other options. All my life it had been the same cycle over and over again...I meet some kid who I think I like, then I do something stupid to alienate him or her or make him or her think I'm just weird, then I get depressed when I realize what a waste of time and feelings the whole thing were in the first place. I know I'm going end up alone in the end anyway, so why couldn't I just stop trying?
Me, and the stupid moth, the one dashing its brains out into the bright lamp. We'll never learn, I'm afraid. I am the moth and Lina's the light of my so-called life. I guess some things in life are just more powerful than we are.
Just replaying all this in my mind in order to write it down dredged up some really sad feelings. The same truths then hold true today. For me.
So the other night, after thinking about losing Lina again, I flopped down on my bed, my hands automatically reached for the little lavender teddy bear that now resided next to my pillow. I hugged him tightly to my chest, as I lay on my side while I thought about my dilemma. After a couple minutes, my hands were idly stroking over the bear, as my brain was searching furiously for an answer to my problem. Soon, my hands and eyes were pointing out to me something that seemed quite important all of a sudden. Reluctantly, my full attention went back to the bear in my hands. My fingers were playing with a small tag on the back of the bear, and I noticed that there was some writing on it. As I read it, the irony of it all made me smile and weep to myself at the same time.
It seems that my little lavender teddy bear, sent to me by my most certainly dead mother or father, had a name.
His name was Zelgadiss.
God, I just hoped my instincts were correct...that I really could trust what I had seen in those eyes of his. That he would be a friend like no other to me and listen to me and just SEE ME! For once!
I promised myself then that I would tell him about myself, my problems…Oh, not all at once! That would have send anyone running! But just open up and let one secret out little by little.
Zelgadiss heard the beeps, but ignored them this time. He didn't have that much more to read of Xelloss' story. Down coffee in morning…take nap in English…
End Seyruun High Jinx –NEXT! Chapter Seven.