Disclaimer: If Kenshin belonged to me, I would be the happiest person in the world!!!!!! And I am the happiest person in the world... in my dreams...
1. Illusions and desillusions
The darkness softly disappeared, defeated by the bright sun that slowly stretched, making his way up to the blue sky. The bus was silent, my school-fellows sleep around me. I was the only one whom was awake, observing the landscape of my window, trying not to think.
I was feeling so tired, both physically and psychologically. It had been a long and tiring week, but the amusement had overcome all of it. I had never ever passed a week like this one, with my friend and fellows, in a city quite different from the one I spent all my entire life.
So many things happen in just a single week, such a small time. I lived intensively each moment, each second, savoring each deed. And just now, that I stop for a while, is that I've found time to analyze everything that had just happened.
I spent good and bad moments. I had fun, I went out, went to a disco, got drunk, danced… So many things I usually don't do… So different of my lonely everyday life…
But although all of this, my heart is bleeding… and it hurts… and I cry… and nobody sees…
We are near, almost at home. But that thought doesn't bring me any comfort.
I want to get away. I want to run away. I want to leave. I need to create wings and fly away.
I was obligated to see the reality, to see what there was behind my own world. And now, how am I supposed to go back, and close me again inside four walls?
So many things had changes, especially inside of me… Will these changes provoke an authentic mutiny in my life?
As times goes by, the light washes over the world, overflowing it, but it isn't able to throw away the darkness that silently opens upon me.
All this time, I've been so stupid... How did I get to this point? How? How? I'm in despair…
Minutes drags, and slowly life return its way around me, but I only notice that when my friends, who were sit in front of me, wake up.
My best friend Tomoe turns my way, cheerful and asks me how I spent the night. I'm not able to tell her the truth and say that I hadn't slept a thing. Also in the night before that, I hadn't slept much, but I don't want to worry her. Instead, I reattributed her smile.
Of course she had slept quite well, although the limited conditions of the bus, in the arms of her love…
He also turns to me and ask me:
- How about you, sweetie? How are you?
I always loved the way he spokes to me, calling me sweetie! I feel so good with that, has he had just done me an eulogy!
- I'm better. But I really hadn't much sleep. – I answered him.
I don't want him to worry about me either. But yet, by his sorrowful gaze I now that he understands a quite small part of what is happening inside of me. Because, he was the only one with whom I was able to talk to when I felt like the whole world was collapsing upon my head. It was in his lap that I cried the day before…
How can he see into my eyes like open doors, leading him and teaching him how to read my soul? Where did he find the key to open my heart and like a thief, revolve into my inner and deep memories? He's the only one that can crush my shell and "make" me talk. I owe him so much…
My tormented heart found some peace in his smile. Like Tomoe say, Kenshin is a marvelous pill anti-depressive. I've know him for three years long and just now, I saw that feature of him.
My glance rested upon my two friends. They looked so cute together! Like they had been made for each other! I always trust in their love… But today, I find that hard… why do I feel my heart so small, so tighten?
No. My heart ache has nothing to do with them. NOTHING!
I've got to stop with this anguish thoughts. I'm not in my best mood today.
Misanagi's voice came to my ears, from the bus front. So, she's also awake, and unlike me, she's with a good humor. It hurts so much that she hadn't even been able to look to my face yesterday …
Stop! I can't thing about her either, right now! I don't want to cry again…
Oh! I'm recognizing the way now. We aren't far from home. Good! I want, no(!), I need to stay alone.. To cool down my head…
Once more, my attention goes to the landscape, while I try to get away from all those painful remembrances.
Time is dripping, little by little, and I'm in my own world, aware of my surroundings.
Finally the trip is over. The bus stops near the school. I go take my bag off. Near me, Misanagi is biding farewell from the girls, with kisses and hugs, without even look in my direction. But Tomoe and Kenshin don't notice that. Quickly I bid them goodbye, and then I depart…
My home is not far from school. I go by foot, and I get to my building in a hurry. But I don't feel like staying, so I put my bag down on the entry hall and get out, without move up to the apartment where I live in.
I start walking, without a destination, and find myself going to the city park. I feel like walk, get some wind, to cool down my head… and also to feel myself back home…
It's early in the morning, the streets are empty. Far from here, quite far, I hear a dog barking.
I pace the shadowy streets, and for moments, I forget the darkness that plagues me.
I discover myself in the play park, and I sit in the swing set (AN: I'm not sure of the name of it…). I glance around me…
So many memories… so many remembrances… I spent a great part of my childhood here, in this park, a time when the world was soft and careless, when everything was in its right place, when the world was happy and full… at a very long, long time ago…
And then, I cried, stubborn tears and at the same time, insecure…
I stay there for a long time. Then, I return home, and make my entry without even glance around me, to the so-known objects of my home. I went straight to my room, my refuge, my world. But, to my disillusion, I didn't find there the security that I was looking forward and that I desired.
I lay myself on my bed and my lost glance rested upon a photo, near me. I reach for it. That world was so distant now. Me and Misanagi… Together, happy and smiling… I put it back, with the face down, so I didn't have to look to it again.
Near it, there was a thing to burn incense that Tomoe once gave me. The two of us had born in the same day, so we use to say that we are twin sisters. Before the trip we had been a little apart, but although that, we know that we can always count in each other. Just like real sisters…
Thinking about her brought to my head Kenshin's memories, that boy that now I consider one of the best friends I ever had, a real heart friend, mainly because of everything that he had done for me during the trip.
I held my breath for long seconds. Just then all made sense and I was able to take conscience of the alarming and disturbing thought that I've been unconsciously trying to save, even from myself, how long, I've no idea…
And then I cried…
Before this trip I had two excellent girl friends! Now, one of them had completely disappointing me… and the other... I'm seriously in risk of loosing her…
…And is totally my fault…
How did I come so near of the edge? How did I let this happen?
I'm deeply and madness in love with my best friend boyfriend!
I couldn't take the pressure anymore. I lost and I break myself, letting the tears flooding from my eyes, bitter tears… until that sleep caught me… and I went to the Dream land, hoping to find some comfort and peace there…
----------------To be continued--------------------------------------------------------------------
Author note:
Sorry if this fic is kind of confusing. This will be a kind of dramatic story, playing with Kaoru's psychologically ache, for be betraying her best friend, by loving her boyfriend… Hope you like it and proceed reading it…
Chapter two is coming pretty soon!
Please, leave a review if you may, I would like to hear your opinion.
PS: English is not my native language, so sorry for any mistake…