"Master…Mistress Kaho had known long ago that this might happen. Her life was already threatened by cancer early on—that was what Kinomoto Touya told us," said Spinel quietly after the burial ceremony that only the three of them witnessed.

Though he made no response whatsoever, the feline continued. "She knew how much you wanted a child, so she decided to bear one so that even if she leaves, a memory of her will remain with you."

"A murderer," he spoke lowly. "That is what I am. I murdered my wife and child."

"You didn't know, Master," said Nakuru, trying her hardest not to cry.

He suddenly got up, eyes blazing in anger. "And that is my biggest stupidity, Nakuru! I didn't know! How could I not know, a reincarnation of the wise Clow Reed?" he yelled, raw pain in his face and hoarse voice. "Here I was, pressuring her silently for a child that placed her life on jeopardy, and I didn't even know its implications! How the hell did I fail to know?" His chest constricted as he sat back on his seat defeatedly. "And why did I learn of that only when it was too late? Why wasn't I able to save the most important person in my life, with all my knowledge, my power…" His voice broke. "Why…?"

The servants could only watch the disillusioned young mage cry his heart out in anguish. Not even the highest form of his magic could undo history—including the deaths of the people he loved the most, Mizuki Kaho and the child in her womb.

=======================

What I Really Want: chapter 8

At last, the chapter update…and it's not as long as it should be. Nweiz, the author dedicates this to all the readers and reviewers who didn't give up on this fanfic even if Syao-chan couldn't update it as promptly as she used to do (hey, back then, she didn't have 15 other fics to worry about . She had learned her lesson though; don't start what you can't finish -) .

Special shoutouts: omitot (kaulayaw ko sa YM at pinagtyatyagaan ang aking open worship service sa Naruto bishies ko, lalo na kay Surrrr Kakashi), StinkerBW (don't lose your heart on ET despite the recent tragic endings of my fanfics. You know that syao-chan is a freak and will always be ), and Soulmates (I have another dedication for you in my Ren/Piri ficcie, if ever I finish it .. I'm not sure if I would upload it so I greeted you here already just to say thanks for the rave! ). Kyte-chan…ah…may the love of Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears fill your soul with peace doubles over, laughing her small and large intestines out My sis sends her thanks for your lyrics help!

=======================

Tomoyo placed the cup of steaming black coffee on Eriol's study table, and at the same time, wondered where could have her husband gone to this early in the morning. The bed was perfectly made, as if it hadn't been slept on. His table was cluttered with papers and sharpened remains of his light blue pencil, suggesting that he had been at work there.

But where was Hiiragizawa Eriol anyway?

Her eyes traveled to the music sheets.

She was aware of his job as a writer of gospel songs, so she wasn't surprised at all to see them. However, her attention was immediately arrested by the first two lines—they didn't exactly sound like church lyrics.

when autumn comes again,

you want me to embrace love with a smile on my face.

Autumn. Nakuru did mention that Kaho and Luna died on this gloomy season. She immediately understood what the song was. Pain crossed her heart as she read the two little lines yet made two not-so-little impacts on her.

This song was for Mizuki Kaho, a sign that he had not yet let go.

And that realization made her ache so much.

"Snooping around?" Eriol entered the room from the bathroom, wrapped only with a towel to cover his lower body. Before she could control herself, her eyes scanned the proud protuberance behind his towel.

"Never got a chance yet to examine a live male anatomy, dear wife?" he asked mockingly.

She felt her cheeks turn hot. If it was for him catching her looking at his thing…er, things (as in object, she added quietly in her mind), or him catching her in this situation while covered only by a meagerly-cut fabric, she didn't bother to contemplate on. She immediately excused herself, wanting to get out of the room as soon as possible. The humiliation was simply too much for her to bear.

"Hold it." She felt his hand stop her arm. Yet she refused to meet his gaze; she knew she would lose grip on her remaining composure if she allowed herself the audacity to face this man.

"I brought coffee," she mumbled. "I didn't know you weren't here, so I left it on the table."

"And how would you explain your eyes on my…" He chuckled as he watched her face burn some more. "…music sheets?"

"C-Curiosity," she choked.

"Curiosity," he said, nodding. "Why don't we satisfy that queer, little curiosity of yours, wife?" He sat down on his study table, not caring to put on his clothes yet. As a result, she couldn't lift her eyes from the marble flooring of the master's bedroom.

"I took that line from the last love letter Kaho gave me. She was on the final trimester of her pregnancy, and perhaps she knew things that even Clow Reed didn't. she told me that she would be leaving me soon, somewhere in the autumn season. She would pass away with the falling leaves, so she could come down on me as snow just in time for winter and keep me company. But she told me not to let her fate frighten me from experiencing falling in love again." He exhaled audibly. "That was the hardest thing she had asked of me, you know."

She smiled thoughtfully.  "It shouldn't be, because autumn is the real season of living and accepting. Autumn exists to welcome and to say goodbye to hard winter and sweet summer and spring respectively. Autumn is the difference between romance and love, of hope and disenchantment. It is the essence of bittersweetness, losing one thing to gain more in life." She turned to him, beaming. "I admire Mizuki-sensei for saying that, even if she knew how her fate would be in this lifetime."

He paused, then chuckled. "You remind me of that impossible shoujo optimism heroines show in Nakuru's manga collections."

"You read shoujo comics?" Her eyes widened. Hiiragizawa Eriol was no enigma for nothing.

"That's beside the point. What I am saying is you can only say those things because you haven't loved and lost, like me." He couldn't explain why he couldn't stop himself from engaging her in this casual conversation—about Kaho, at that! He had never managed to talk to anyone about his deceased wife in this manner, as if it was a perfectly ordinary talk.

But he actually loved hearing her chirp about the honey-flavored sermons on life and its mechanics from Tomoyo. She spoke every statement as if she believed them with all her soul, and that was what he liked most in this exchange.

Tomoyo, on the other hand, was happy that for once, they were able to talk like they used to do back in elementary school. No talks about sex, child-seeding, or insults. Just…just a conversation. An open, honest dialogue. She flipped her hair over her shoulders. "You're not the only one who experienced love lost, Hiiragizawa Eriol, so don't act all-knowing. And I don't call it shoujo manga optimism. It's called hope. And no, I'm not talking about cigarettes." She cupped her chin with her hand as she thought about what she should say next. "When people hope, people learn courage. If they lost it, they could find it again. If it was weakened, it would be renewed. Anyway, Kaho-sensei must want you to understand what hope is. Hope that could make us look forward even if circumstances push us two steps backward."

"Hopes that could disappoint too," he pointed out.

"Hey, at least you gave it a shot."

"At least," he said. He had to smile at that.

She grinned. "And you know, it's much, much better to hope. You know why, Hi-kun?"

"Tell me."

"Hope runs eternal, so you will live longer. Isn't that good news?" she giggled.

"You don't possess a viewpoint of a man reincarnated so you wouldn't understand why I couldn't share your opinion." But his controlled smile blossomed into a full one, brimming with amusement. Good lord, when had he last felt this relaxed?

Her eyes softened. "Hey, husband dear, I just realized something."

"Hmm?"

"I know this would kind of…uh…ruin the first good mood between us but…" she cleared her throat. "…I just want to ask if…if you wouldn't be so selfish as to keep this side of your personality to yourself?" She smiled uncertainly.

"Are you suggesting that I have schizophrenia?" His forehead creased.

"N-No, only multiple personalities," she murmured, laughing.

"Pardon?"

She cleared her throat again. "N-Nothing. I-I mean, maybe it would be nice if we can always be like this."

"This?" He feigned ignorance, entertained by the discomfort on her face. He was still at lost though –genuinely—with how she was able to shift his perpetually dark mood within a few moments.

It was as incredible as how she could easily make him rock hard without even trying.

That last thought made him groan inwardly. Perhaps, if there was one thing his infamous wisdom couldn't explain, it was his body's traitorous reaction whenever he looks at his wife as a woman, a woman whose beauty was the only one he noticed after Kaho died.

Fortunately, she spoke, breaking his train of thoughts.

"This…comfortable," she said, smiling sheepishly. "I know you said that you can't love me, and you won't believe me when I said that I feel for you…" she inhaled shakily. "N-Not that I'm blaming you or anything because it is indeed, impossible for something deep a bond as that in a short period of time…"

"Yes, Tomoyo?" His eyes were asking her to go straight to the point.

"Can we at least be friends?" she asked, almost beggingly.

"No."

Her face fell. "Oh Eriol…"

"There are many disadvantages to that. We can't have emotional attachment…" We? Where did that word come from?

"Look, if ever it comes to that point, it would be no problem. If you tell me that we have to end it, I won't argue," she reasoned.

"Secondly, even if we do form friendship, it won't survive. It wasn't pure, unadulterated affections that bound us together in the first place. Would you like something as shaky and ruthless as a child-seeding deal to be the foundation of our amity?" he asked.

She looked down sadly. "I see…"

He got up and sat down beside her. "Most importantly…" His hands cupped her face tenderly. "Friends can't kiss friends…" His face lowered to hers.

"They could too!" she protested weakly, but he knew it was out of desperation—a last-ditch effort of her pride to stop what would happen.

He smiled in silent delight as he felt her soft body tremble as his semi-naked form enveloped her.  He knew she was frightened, but the excited fire in her eyes conveyed otherwise.

"Well, dear wife, not this way…"

She felt her heart spin dizzily as his hot tongue sought entrance to her mouth carnally, wanting to taste its corners, explore its depths no other man was permitted to go. Her arms encircled around his neck, pulling him closer. His kiss grew more urgent as the kiss went deeper, more passionate.

Both were aware of the heated electricity flowing within them, making them both feel very alive in a very sensual fashion.

His mouth left hers for a moment, and he seized the chance to gaze at her face. Her cheeks were flushed, her lustrous curls tousled wildly and beautifully, and her mouth slightly swollen. At that moment, he knew he had seen the goddess of love.

"Tomoyo…"

"Y-Yes?"

"Let's do it," he whispered, eyes lit up in excitement.

Her cheeks turned redder, if that was possible. "Wha…Eriol…" She wasn't ready, but if he was going to ask one more time, she didn't think she would have the heart to refuse him. Her body was yearning for his too.

"Let's—" All of a sudden, he sneezed.

Her mouth dropped open, then she burst into laughter. How glad she was for this little accident! The erotica spirit that had seemingly came out of nowhere and possessed her awhile ago was successfully exorcised. She pushed him away lightly and fixed her rumpled dressing robe. "You'll catch cold if you insist to remain in that getup."

"Cold nothing." He didn't look too mad though. In fact, she swore she detected a smile on his lips.

"Let's have breakfast." She kissed his forehead—the chastest one she could offer. "Get dressed, husband."

"Breakfast in bed?" he asked teasingly.

"I love you," she said softly.

It was enough for all the colors on his face to drain.

"You don't have to say anything, Eriol. I just…wanted to get that out of my chest." She forced a smile. "No expectations, don't worry. I understood what you told me about this matter." She blushed. "I-I'm already babbling…bad sign." She walked out of the room, humming.

For a second, he couldn't move. All of a sudden, he groaned in frustration.

"Damn you, Tomoyo. How could you do this…this pointless absurdity?" he asked the empty master's bedroom. "Women! All they want is complications!"

And once more, his powers and his knowledge were useless in giving enlightenment to his situation, let alone what he should do next.

---------------

to be continued