Sirius couldn't tell them- he just couldn't. Not a word could be spoken of this unpleasant discovery. It's not as though he chose to be this way! And he could hide it. Oh you fool, he thought, when have you ever hidden? It was against his nature- but to tell James! He didn't expect James to understand… Remus would, but Remus was precisely why he couldn't say anything. It was all so complicated…
Remus was worried about Sirius. Just plain worried- Sirius hadn't been himself all morning. It was strange… Sirius never missed an opportunity to taunt Malfoy- they hated each other! And just walking off without a word… something was hovering around the surface of his mind, but he couldn't place it. The realization that he didn't know was even worse! So unpleasantly frustrating. He'd ask Cassandra, she might be able to help him. On queue, as usual, Cassandra walked through the portrait hole into the common room.
"Remus, darling- you look upset. Is there anything I could do to help"?
She asked, playfully biting at his neck. Though he shivered with pleasure, he kept his mind on the problem at hand.
"I wish we could carry on this way, but I do have an actual problem Cassy."
Cassandra tilted her head to the side and stepped around the chair to sit on his lap. She smiled at him.
"Tell me what it is then, so we can figure it out," then in a whisper, "and get back to playing."
Remus rolled his eyes dramatically.
"Honestly Sassy-Cassy. I need your help on this one."
"I know, Remus. I just wanted to see you smile in spite of your troubles. What is it"?
Remus took a deep breath to collect his thoughts.
"Well, it's Sirius. He's been…"
As though he'd heard them, Sirius came down the stairs. He looked at Remus and Cassandra, then opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again; thinking better of his words, and went for the door. He didn't, however, make it there. James walked in, flushed from Quidditch practice. He saw Sirius, and his expression became stern.
"Oh, no you don't Sirius. You're not walking out on us again."
Sirius's eyes narrowed slightly, and he growled menacingly at James
"Out of my way, James. Don't make me hurt you."
James was taken aback by the raw anger in his best friend's voice, but he stayed his ground.
"No Sirius. You will talk to us."
Remus and Cassandra had gotten up from their chair when James had come in. Now Remus spoke. He looked to Cassandra.
"Cass, you should go upstairs for awhile. I get the feeling Sirius'll calm down if you leave."
Cassandra looked a bit cheated, but left anyways. Remus walked over to his friend and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Sirius, if you'll just tell us…"
Sirius shied away from Remus's gentle hands.
"Don't touch me, Remus."
Remus looked hurt and James appeared merely confused. James tried to turn Sirius's attention away from Remus, sensing his growing hostility.
"Please Sirius. Listen to me- No matter what's bothering you, you can tell us. We're supposed to be friends. We'll understand."
Sirius's eyes were clouded with both confusion and pain. He knew he would have to tell them- he was trapped. But somehow, James's kind words infuriated him.
"Will you? I doubt that highly. Your words are merely insults."
Remus looked pleadingly at him. Tears of frustration sprang unbidden to his eyes. He checked them in time, but sought to use these weak emotions to his benefit. Turning Sirius gently to face him, he looked deep into his friend's hardened eyes.
"Please, Sirius, don't be mad. We're worried about you! And the pain you're harboring is hurting not only yourself, but us too. Let us help you."
Sirius was surprised. Remus looked so miserable, how could he hurt them this way? They would figure it out soon enough anyways. He sighed, and then licked his dry lips. He looked nearly helpless as he gazed at James and Remus. He whispered quietly, more to himself than his friends,
"This is a hard task I've been allotted."
James and Remus exchanged confused glances. Sirius led them over to the window. A soft breeze rippled his long, black hair. He closed his eyes.
Remus vaguely thought he looked beautiful. He'd always thought this about Sirius, but then, he found most people rather beautiful. He dismissed it as his inner wolf speaking out. Sirius spoke:
"No one would expect it of me, that's for sure."
James gave a small laugh,
"What's that, mate?"
Sirius turned to him, his shocking blue eyes with their deep, quiet fires burning into James soft hazel ones.
"James, I really would like to tell you and Remus both, but right now I just can't. I'm not sure if even I understand; whether or not it's just a phase." He turned to Remus. "I'm truly sorry to have acted so upset before- I'm just so confused lately."
Sirius smiled, and then wrapped his arms around Remus, then around James. But somehow Remus thought these hard times weren't quite over…