A/N: Let me share with you a lesson that I've learnt--- do not post a LOTR
fic on the weekend, because that's when everyone does it and no one will
notice it, meaning you will get next to no reviews. No, I'm not bitter.
I'm not, really. I still got like...three reviews. Meh.
Disclaimers: There is no way that the characters and LOTR trilogy is not not mine. This fictional story, however isn't not mine. Work out the double negatives yourself.
Chapter 2: Technically Still the Beginning ~ ~ ~
I managed to stay alive, lying to this guy, bribing this gal, threatening to magically chew the nose off this person...you know, making myself indispensable. I'm good.
But then some dumb git drops me in a pond and doesn't even notice. Yeah, that was pleasant. This slimy little bi-polar bit of a furless gremlin found me and decided to keep me as a pet in his dank underground cave. Brrr. That was a pretty creepy period of my life. Not that Gollum wasn't nice to me, of course. He was very sweet, very caring, downright smothering. Gawd, was he clingy! Every day, every minute, very second, he'd be petting me and kissing me and calling me by nicknames borne of love. It was all very flattering, but ssooooo not what I needed in a relationship. Way too stifling. After some years, I really needed to get away from him, so I decided to hitch a ride off the next person who passed by.
Who would've thought that no one passes by a weird, slimy little gremlin's dank underground cave?
Several decades later, a bunch of short little men passed through, and I convinced one of them to get me out of there. We had some fun times together, that short little man and I.
Bilbo had a good heart, but a fear of commitment. He wasn't what I needed in a relationship either. I'm sure he didn't mean to make me feel this way, but I wasn't really the love of his life. He was just using me. It was always, "Ring, be quiet," "Ring, make me invisible," "Ring, do this," "Ring, do that," and it got just a tad tiring after a while. That, and the fact that Bilbo was very boring, and---let's be frank, he was damn ugly and a little too hairy, too. Anyhow, all of these reasons drove me to look for a new and different companion.
On Bilbo's birthday, I made him invisible one last time, then sat him down in front of the fire and had a good long talk with him. I gave him the usual shit about how "it's not you, it's me," and some "I think it would be for the best if we both tried something new." I may or may not have even thrown in a "look, you're old and stinky. Let me the fuck go!" Eventually, he saw things my way, wiped his tears away, and set goodbye to me. He set off to that elf place, and left me to pick up my new boy- toy...er, that is, my new *companion*.
I had my eyes set on the little old man's yummy nephew for a while already. With his uncle gone, the pretty hobbit was all mine for the taking. I skillfully persuaded Gandalf the Wizard into helping me coerce the sweet Frodo to bear my children---figuratively speaking, of course. Gandalf did a fantastic job of getting Frodo to take me, even if he did have to pull the good ol' "This ring has the evil power of world domination...It must be destroyed!" ---Waaaaaaaait a second. Excuse me? "It must be destroyed"?!?! Thanks a lot, old geezer. I think he got a bit too caught up in the dramatics there. Frodo took me, but not out of lust or love, or even slight sexual interest. He took me out of a sense of duty---the duty to kill me. Fuck you too, Gandalf.
At least the old jerk-off felt sufficiently guilty afterwards, and tried to make it up to me. He told Frodo to keep me reeeeeeaaaal close, as in touching his skin close. Because, said Gandalf, evil people will be trying to get me. Yeah, right. What the hell for? Most people don't even have the fortune of knowing that my beautiful self exists. I was glad of Gandalf's gesture anyways, because Frodo did indeed keep me reeeeeeaaaal close. Oh yeah. Mmm...the warmth of that soft, creamy skin, the way his voice would vibrate against my outer layer of polish whenever he talked. Sigh. Ahem.
Anyhow, Gandalf sent Frodo and his little love slave, Samwise, off on a happy little trek to some town called Bree. The plan was to meet there, so that the damned wizard could tell them some sort of excuse to get me off the hook for execution ("hey, I did some reading up, and the funniest thing is, it turns out that this ring *won't* destroy us all! Isn't that a bit of luck!") it was all his fault in the first place, getting me into this, and he promised that he'd get me out of it. Too bad it had slipped my mind that Gandalf's a fuckin' liar.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
TBC
Disclaimers: There is no way that the characters and LOTR trilogy is not not mine. This fictional story, however isn't not mine. Work out the double negatives yourself.
Chapter 2: Technically Still the Beginning ~ ~ ~
I managed to stay alive, lying to this guy, bribing this gal, threatening to magically chew the nose off this person...you know, making myself indispensable. I'm good.
But then some dumb git drops me in a pond and doesn't even notice. Yeah, that was pleasant. This slimy little bi-polar bit of a furless gremlin found me and decided to keep me as a pet in his dank underground cave. Brrr. That was a pretty creepy period of my life. Not that Gollum wasn't nice to me, of course. He was very sweet, very caring, downright smothering. Gawd, was he clingy! Every day, every minute, very second, he'd be petting me and kissing me and calling me by nicknames borne of love. It was all very flattering, but ssooooo not what I needed in a relationship. Way too stifling. After some years, I really needed to get away from him, so I decided to hitch a ride off the next person who passed by.
Who would've thought that no one passes by a weird, slimy little gremlin's dank underground cave?
Several decades later, a bunch of short little men passed through, and I convinced one of them to get me out of there. We had some fun times together, that short little man and I.
Bilbo had a good heart, but a fear of commitment. He wasn't what I needed in a relationship either. I'm sure he didn't mean to make me feel this way, but I wasn't really the love of his life. He was just using me. It was always, "Ring, be quiet," "Ring, make me invisible," "Ring, do this," "Ring, do that," and it got just a tad tiring after a while. That, and the fact that Bilbo was very boring, and---let's be frank, he was damn ugly and a little too hairy, too. Anyhow, all of these reasons drove me to look for a new and different companion.
On Bilbo's birthday, I made him invisible one last time, then sat him down in front of the fire and had a good long talk with him. I gave him the usual shit about how "it's not you, it's me," and some "I think it would be for the best if we both tried something new." I may or may not have even thrown in a "look, you're old and stinky. Let me the fuck go!" Eventually, he saw things my way, wiped his tears away, and set goodbye to me. He set off to that elf place, and left me to pick up my new boy- toy...er, that is, my new *companion*.
I had my eyes set on the little old man's yummy nephew for a while already. With his uncle gone, the pretty hobbit was all mine for the taking. I skillfully persuaded Gandalf the Wizard into helping me coerce the sweet Frodo to bear my children---figuratively speaking, of course. Gandalf did a fantastic job of getting Frodo to take me, even if he did have to pull the good ol' "This ring has the evil power of world domination...It must be destroyed!" ---Waaaaaaaait a second. Excuse me? "It must be destroyed"?!?! Thanks a lot, old geezer. I think he got a bit too caught up in the dramatics there. Frodo took me, but not out of lust or love, or even slight sexual interest. He took me out of a sense of duty---the duty to kill me. Fuck you too, Gandalf.
At least the old jerk-off felt sufficiently guilty afterwards, and tried to make it up to me. He told Frodo to keep me reeeeeeaaaal close, as in touching his skin close. Because, said Gandalf, evil people will be trying to get me. Yeah, right. What the hell for? Most people don't even have the fortune of knowing that my beautiful self exists. I was glad of Gandalf's gesture anyways, because Frodo did indeed keep me reeeeeeaaaal close. Oh yeah. Mmm...the warmth of that soft, creamy skin, the way his voice would vibrate against my outer layer of polish whenever he talked. Sigh. Ahem.
Anyhow, Gandalf sent Frodo and his little love slave, Samwise, off on a happy little trek to some town called Bree. The plan was to meet there, so that the damned wizard could tell them some sort of excuse to get me off the hook for execution ("hey, I did some reading up, and the funniest thing is, it turns out that this ring *won't* destroy us all! Isn't that a bit of luck!") it was all his fault in the first place, getting me into this, and he promised that he'd get me out of it. Too bad it had slipped my mind that Gandalf's a fuckin' liar.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
TBC