A & D, and A & D, and A & D . . .
I do not own anybody in here except Griffin, Vannie, Jack, and anyone else I add.
Note: I have never played the game that Alucard is from, so if I get something totally wrong, I'm sorry. (The game is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night) Oh yeah, this Alucard is NOT the Hellsing Alucard . . .
Oh yeah, to make things easier, I own nothing in here except above mentioned characters. There.
Chapter 3: Things Get Ten-Times More Confusing.
"Eew, eew, eew, eew, eew, EEEEEEEEEWW!!" it won't come off!!"
Vannie was hogging the shower in the room that Alucard and D had just rented. D was outside, since the hotel management wouldn't let him while covered with the green goop from Dornkirk. Vannie had snuck in through the window and was trying to remove said goop.
"It won't come OOFFF!!" she shrieked.
"Will you shut up?!" demanded Alucard, banging on the door, "I heard you already!"
"But it's SOOOO nasty!" she protested.
Sighing in frustration, Alucard flopped on the bed and buried his head under the pillows.
Meanwhile, outside, D had found a water hose and was himself trying to get rid of the filth.
"What the Hell?" he griped, "It won't come off!"
"What won't come off?"
D whirled around to see a young woman dressed in a Chinese outfit. She had one yellow and one purple eye, and long, light pink nails. Grasped in one hand was a box of raspberry and cream-filled chocolates with some fancy French name, and in the other was one of said sweets with a bite in it.
"What, you can't see this disgusting green slime I'm wallowing in right now?" he snapped, "The damn stuff won't come off!"
"I see," said the Chinese woman. A small, rabbit like creature with bat wings, horns, and duck feet landed on her shoulder and squeaked. Now that he thought about it, this woman sure didn't have a very good figure . . . no waist, no hips, and no boobs.
"May I ask how you found yourself drenched in that mess?"
"No. And you don't want to know, anyway. Say, what are you doing out here anyway?"
"I was going for a walk," she smiled sweetly, "and then I noticed you and was just curious. Say, do you know what that . . . l . . .iquid (?). . . is made from?"
"No. Although it might be really old, putrefied blood or something," he mused.
"Oh dear," the stranger finished off her sweet delicately, "well, I suppose that if it's organic you could try some Oxi-Clean or something, but maybe bleach would be better."
"I don't care WHAT the stuff is, so long as I get this shit off me!"
"HOORAY!!!"
"GAAH!" Alucard jumped and pillows went flying in every direction. He covered his X-vein with his hair before looking at D.
"Hooray, what?" he grumbled.
"The crap's off! Look at me!" D fairly hopped up and down, "I'm clean!"
"Zippidee doo DAH," grumbled Alucard, "In the meantime, our resident spaz fangirl has taken over the shower, and I can't get her out. And I need to wash my hair."
"Ooh! What do you use?"
"What the crap?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.
"Oh, Alucard, 'Dee' here helped get rid of that stuff."
D stepped out of the way to reveal what looked to Alucard like a pretty young Chinese woman wearing a Cheongsam. He raised an eyebrow.
"Uh . . . hi."
"How long has she been in there?" D wondered, breaking the awkwardness.
"Since we got here," Alucard grumbled, resting his chin in his hand, "I'm sure that all the hot water's gone—"
"AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!! C-C-COLD!!"
"Or, well, NOW it's gone."
"Damn," D cursed, walking over to the door. He slammed on it with his palm.
"Damn it, D! My nose!" Left Hand scolded.
"Get out now!"
'Dee' sat on the bed next to Alucard and shot him a sidelong glance.
"So . . . what kind of shampoo do you use?"
"Huh?" Alucard asked, raising an eyebrow, "mostly Paul Mitchell, why?"
"Ooh! I love his stuff! Oh! My manners, would you like a chocolate?"
"I'm a vampire. I don't 'do' chocolate," Alucard said, waving off the offered piece. For some reason, he was sure that there was something weird about this girl . . . and it wasn't the rabbit/bat/duck thing that was sitting on her shoulder.
"DAMN IT, VANNIE!! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE PAYING FOR THIS ROOM!!"
"Go away!" she screamed through the door, "I'm not leaving until I can get this crap off!"
"Oh dear," 'Dee' noted, "her too?"
"Yeah, we both got drenched. Say, do you suppose that you could help get it off of her, too?" D asked.
"Why certainly," 'Dee' smiled sweetly, "But I'm afraid we're going to have to buy more bleach."
"Sure . . . whatever . . . Hey! Vannie! There's this lady I met that can—"
"Excuse me?"
"—get rid of this shit! We're going to go get some more bleach and battery acid. We'll be right back!"
"Excuse me!"
"Come on, let's go."
"JUST A MOMENT!!"
"What?" D asks. The Oriental stands and clears her throat.
"I am not a lady."
"O . . .K . . ." D says, clearly not getting it. Alucard doesn't pick up on it either, since he's so worried about his hair.
"Ok, we're back."
There can be heard a muffled something or under from underneath the pillows. 'Dee' giggles at the sight of two boots and some white hair sticking out of the mound (Alucard requested more pillows while D and 'Dee' were gone). D knocked on the door.
"Vannie? Vannie, we're back, and—damn it! Is the water still on?!"
"I got some out, but it's gonna clog the drain any minute!" came Vannie's voice.
"Look," D said, back to his normal, calm tone (and since no one can see the X-vein under his hat, no one would ever know he's irritated anyway), "we've got some stuff that'll make the gunk go away, will you open the door?"
"NO!!! I'm not dressed! I have no clean clothes! Go away! It'll just be a few more hours!"
"Damn it, Vannie!" D griped.
"Go in," D's hand said suggestively, "remember our talk about getting a girl?"
D clenched his hand. 'Dee' gets a sweat bead since no one had informed him . . . (A/N: damn! I just let it slip . . . not like anyone didn't already know who 'Dee' really was . . .) about Left Hand.
"Uh . . . you know, women can get touchy about you invading their space . . ." 'Dee' warned.
"Shut up," D griped, very tired of Vannie, "You have two seconds to open the door, just use one of the towels or something, ok?"
He got no response, and busted the door, dumped the stuff in, and slammed it shut again.
"Happy?" he said.
"Bastard," she mumbled.
"Good."
He turned to 'Dee'.
"Thanks for your help, we really would have been stuck if you hadn't turned up."
'Dee' smiled again.
"Doi tashimashite."
"Ciao," Alucard gave him a wimpy "Victory" sign.
"Hold on!"
At that instant the door to the shower flew open, and there stood what looked like a swamp monster in a towel.
"What's the idea of giving me three bottles of Clorox and a busted car battery? I could get killed with this shit! Don't you know what happens when you combine a powerful acid with a powerful base? Didn't you ever go to Chemistry class? And not to mention what it'll do to my . . .GOSH!! D!!!!"
"What?" D asked, noticing the sudden stars dancing around swamp monster's eyes and she clasped her hands together. She ran to 'Dee', trailing muck on the floor.
"COUNT D!! OHMYGOSH!! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUY SINCE FOREVER! AND I EVEN RBOUGHT YOU SOME CHOCOLATE, BUT THIS CREEPY OLD MAN ATE IT ALL, AND IT WAS GOING TO BE MY OFFERING TO YOU ON MY PILGRIMAGE TO SEE ALL OF THE WONDERFUL BISHONEN, BUT NOW IT'S GONE AND I'M SO SAD THAT I COULDN'T SAVE IT FOR YOU!" she took a deep breath, "PLEASE FORGIVE ME, COUNT D, BUT I HAVE NO GODIVA DARK CHOCOLATE WITH CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES OR THE MILKCHOCOLATE WITH RASBERRY TRUFFLES OR THE CARAMEL WITH THE—Ohmygosh! I've gotta do the bishie song!"
At once Vannie dropped to the ground, further sliming up the floor, and began waving her arms and singing,
"Oh!! Bishies are the greatest thing! Seeing them makes me want to sing!"
"What the crap?" Alucard sat straight up, sending pillows flying in all directions, "Who's dying?"
"No one's dying," Left Hand said, as if in a trance. Alucard caught sight of the bog monster dancing in circles around Count D shrieking like a drunk at a Karaoke bar.
Then he noticed the shower was free.
"Yes!"
He leapt to the door, slipped in the muck, and fell flat on his back.
"Count D! I have traveled far to find you, and although I regret that I do not have my Godiva chocolates for you, I have these!"
From behind her back she pulled a box of donuts. Sweat beads all around, especially when Alucard realized that he was stuck to the floor.
"My!" Count D touched his cheek with his hand, "Thank . . . you."
"Yay!"
"WAIT!!!!"
Everyone (except Alucard, who was trying to stand) looked at D, who was uncharacteristically freaked out.
"Are you telling me this is a . . . guy?"
"Yes! A gay one, but he's still a bishie!" Vannie smiled, but who could tell from under the goop?
"And /his/ name is D, too?"
"Yes! And you are also a bishie, but I was unable to go on a pilgrimage to see you, as I was stuck in school. So I'm afraid you missed it. You too, Alucard. So now I'm on my pilgrimage for the lovely Count D! And I found him!"
"HIM??"
"Why are you so annoyed anyway?" Alucard muttered, "So there's a freakish man in this room who looks like a woman, so what? No big deal . . . just as long as he leaves . . . why do you look like that, D?"
"What?" both D's asked.
"Gee . . . THIS is going to get confusing . . ." Alucard noted, getting exponentially more frustrated with the muck he was stuck in.
"What's wrong, D?" Vannie wondered.
"Well, I mean, I thought you were HOT, damn it!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh . . . . my."
Ok, it's lame, but I'm tired and I can't see straight, so there'll be more . . .and it'll be weird again . . . .zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz