A/N: The fates must against me or something. That last chapter was updated
right before fanfiction.net went off line to go give birth to fictionPress.
Damn. So, yeah, I got next to no reviews, and dear readers, you really
should make it up to me (hint hint).
Disclaimers: I woke up this morning, and a sudden thought hit me: I do not own the LOTR Universe. Strange, isn't it. I am seriously convinced that I do not own these characters. How weird.
Chapter 5: Oh look, Still Further ~ ~ ~
Maybe I was a bit too quick to pass judgment on Strider. I mean, yeah, he's a skank who's seriously lacking in the hygiene department, he stole the hobbit I was after, and he's trying to kill me, but other than that, he's pretty cool. First of all, he didn't try to jump Frodo or anything. Actually, he let him sleep in a separate bed. That in itself was impressive---Lord knows I wouldn't have that amount of control if I had a body to jump Frodo with. I told Strider so, and he laughed and "tsk tsk"ed at me.
"Evil Ring, Evil Ring," (for the record, I interrupted him and told him that my name is Alfonso, but he ignored me and went on) "I'm not interested in Frodo. I have a perfectly nice elf waiting for me back home. The only reason I picked Frodo up in some seedy bar and brought him to my room is because it's my duty to help him rid the world of your evil powers. I am definitely not a pervy hobbit-fancier."
Yeah, suuuuuure. I didn't believe him. But that's totally okay, because he didn't believe me when I told him that I don't actually have any evil powers, so we're even. Besides, it's nice to have someone who was willing to talk to me without throwing either blatant accusations or death threats at me every second sentence. Good to finally have a friend on this fucking, godforsaken, pointless---oh, look. The Ringwraiths are in our old hotel room. What are they doing...? Larry's raising his sword...and he's...jabbing. All of them were, actually, over and over again, right where we wouldn't been had we not been in Strider's room instead. Have I mentioned that I really really love Strider?
Damn, I take that back. Everyone knows that the Morning After usually sucks, right? Well, this one would've put most vacuums to shame. After that whole Strider-saved-us-from-a-horrible-death-by-hacking thing, all of the hobbits (and not just Frodo) became completely enamoured with him. Damn the man, why can't *I* do something to impress them??? Unfair! When Strider asked Frodo to come away with him, guess what Frodo said? Did he say "No, you're wet all the time, a little crazy, and I'm with Al"? Noooooooo. He said "YES! YES! YEEEEEEES!!!" with just a touch of desperation.
Which is how we ended up traipsing up and down mountains. Strider's a bit of an outdoorsy type. His idea of fun is to trudge through the wet, wet woods and eat bugs. And I can respect that, really...but not if he has to drag me with him. That's where I draw the line. I joined Pippin in complaining about every aspect of our little walk, but everybody ignored us. :(
That night, Sam, Merry, and Pippin made a fire and cooked some dinner. Yes, Strider, some people actually eat their dinners cooked. Anyhow, Strider's paranoia seems to have rubbed off on Frodo, because he leapt up and stomped the fire out, babbling incoherently about Ringwraiths seeing us. Maaaaaaaaa...why are they still following us? Why would Sauron want me back so badly? Can't he just get Sarumon, his own personal lapdog, to make him an eyebrow ring instead?
::sigh:: Frodo was right. The damn things saw us, and came after us. The hobbits scattered, and where the hell is a wet ranger when you need one? Wasn't he supposed to be keeping an eye on us? Crap. The three little guys crowded around Frodo, protecting me. Aw, how sweet. Too bad they got tossed aside like the beanbags they are. Frodo backed up and cowered against the rocks.
"Unhand the Ring!" Ringwraith #2 commanded majestically. To Frodo, it just sounded like a series of low hisses. He gave #2 a blank look. #2 hissed some more, then tried to jab him with his sword. Frodo put me on, and I dutifully turned him invisible. That didn't really help matters too much, because #2 was fine with settling for making random pokes in our general direction. When one such poke came dangerously close to scratching my shiny finish, I decided to pipe up.
"Yo! Would you leave off with the stabbing? You're gonna take out an eye!"
#2 paused. "Alfonso?"
"Finally! Someone gets my name right! Yes, it's me. What the hell are you doing here?"
"What am *I* doing here? What about you? What are *you* doing with the enemy?!?! Sauron's not too happy that you're frolicking in the woods with the people who're plotting his downfall. He's a little hurt, really; he thought your loyalty ran deeper than that. So he sent us to come get you."
"Well it's not like I want to be here. They kidnapped me! They're taking me to Mordor to kill me! They say they'll be doing the world a favour, getting rid of me."
#2 rolled his non-existent eyes. "Not the old 'power of world domination' thing again."
"Yes! Again! Damned people. So c'mon. Help me out here. Save me from these freaks and bring me back to Sauron. I'm sure he'll reward you with...with...um...a...big, juicy steak...or whatever." Okay, cut me some slack---this was my only chance to save my ass, excuse me if I'm too nervous to come up with a brilliant speech.
"Glue! I want glue! The purple kind, with glitter in it!!!" He actually began to salivate.
"Yes. Well. Huh. Save me, and I'll see to it that Sauron gives you your glue, alright?" he nodded enthusiastically. "On the count of three, I'll make us visible again, and at the same time, you grab me."
#2 got ready.
"One...two..."
"Three!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Disclaimers: I woke up this morning, and a sudden thought hit me: I do not own the LOTR Universe. Strange, isn't it. I am seriously convinced that I do not own these characters. How weird.
Chapter 5: Oh look, Still Further ~ ~ ~
Maybe I was a bit too quick to pass judgment on Strider. I mean, yeah, he's a skank who's seriously lacking in the hygiene department, he stole the hobbit I was after, and he's trying to kill me, but other than that, he's pretty cool. First of all, he didn't try to jump Frodo or anything. Actually, he let him sleep in a separate bed. That in itself was impressive---Lord knows I wouldn't have that amount of control if I had a body to jump Frodo with. I told Strider so, and he laughed and "tsk tsk"ed at me.
"Evil Ring, Evil Ring," (for the record, I interrupted him and told him that my name is Alfonso, but he ignored me and went on) "I'm not interested in Frodo. I have a perfectly nice elf waiting for me back home. The only reason I picked Frodo up in some seedy bar and brought him to my room is because it's my duty to help him rid the world of your evil powers. I am definitely not a pervy hobbit-fancier."
Yeah, suuuuuure. I didn't believe him. But that's totally okay, because he didn't believe me when I told him that I don't actually have any evil powers, so we're even. Besides, it's nice to have someone who was willing to talk to me without throwing either blatant accusations or death threats at me every second sentence. Good to finally have a friend on this fucking, godforsaken, pointless---oh, look. The Ringwraiths are in our old hotel room. What are they doing...? Larry's raising his sword...and he's...jabbing. All of them were, actually, over and over again, right where we wouldn't been had we not been in Strider's room instead. Have I mentioned that I really really love Strider?
Damn, I take that back. Everyone knows that the Morning After usually sucks, right? Well, this one would've put most vacuums to shame. After that whole Strider-saved-us-from-a-horrible-death-by-hacking thing, all of the hobbits (and not just Frodo) became completely enamoured with him. Damn the man, why can't *I* do something to impress them??? Unfair! When Strider asked Frodo to come away with him, guess what Frodo said? Did he say "No, you're wet all the time, a little crazy, and I'm with Al"? Noooooooo. He said "YES! YES! YEEEEEEES!!!" with just a touch of desperation.
Which is how we ended up traipsing up and down mountains. Strider's a bit of an outdoorsy type. His idea of fun is to trudge through the wet, wet woods and eat bugs. And I can respect that, really...but not if he has to drag me with him. That's where I draw the line. I joined Pippin in complaining about every aspect of our little walk, but everybody ignored us. :(
That night, Sam, Merry, and Pippin made a fire and cooked some dinner. Yes, Strider, some people actually eat their dinners cooked. Anyhow, Strider's paranoia seems to have rubbed off on Frodo, because he leapt up and stomped the fire out, babbling incoherently about Ringwraiths seeing us. Maaaaaaaaa...why are they still following us? Why would Sauron want me back so badly? Can't he just get Sarumon, his own personal lapdog, to make him an eyebrow ring instead?
::sigh:: Frodo was right. The damn things saw us, and came after us. The hobbits scattered, and where the hell is a wet ranger when you need one? Wasn't he supposed to be keeping an eye on us? Crap. The three little guys crowded around Frodo, protecting me. Aw, how sweet. Too bad they got tossed aside like the beanbags they are. Frodo backed up and cowered against the rocks.
"Unhand the Ring!" Ringwraith #2 commanded majestically. To Frodo, it just sounded like a series of low hisses. He gave #2 a blank look. #2 hissed some more, then tried to jab him with his sword. Frodo put me on, and I dutifully turned him invisible. That didn't really help matters too much, because #2 was fine with settling for making random pokes in our general direction. When one such poke came dangerously close to scratching my shiny finish, I decided to pipe up.
"Yo! Would you leave off with the stabbing? You're gonna take out an eye!"
#2 paused. "Alfonso?"
"Finally! Someone gets my name right! Yes, it's me. What the hell are you doing here?"
"What am *I* doing here? What about you? What are *you* doing with the enemy?!?! Sauron's not too happy that you're frolicking in the woods with the people who're plotting his downfall. He's a little hurt, really; he thought your loyalty ran deeper than that. So he sent us to come get you."
"Well it's not like I want to be here. They kidnapped me! They're taking me to Mordor to kill me! They say they'll be doing the world a favour, getting rid of me."
#2 rolled his non-existent eyes. "Not the old 'power of world domination' thing again."
"Yes! Again! Damned people. So c'mon. Help me out here. Save me from these freaks and bring me back to Sauron. I'm sure he'll reward you with...with...um...a...big, juicy steak...or whatever." Okay, cut me some slack---this was my only chance to save my ass, excuse me if I'm too nervous to come up with a brilliant speech.
"Glue! I want glue! The purple kind, with glitter in it!!!" He actually began to salivate.
"Yes. Well. Huh. Save me, and I'll see to it that Sauron gives you your glue, alright?" he nodded enthusiastically. "On the count of three, I'll make us visible again, and at the same time, you grab me."
#2 got ready.
"One...two..."
"Three!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC