A/N: Sorry about the lengthiness of this author's note, but I gotta get
three things clear before we move on to the story. First off, does anyone
here actually read my A/N and disclaimers? Just wondering. Show of hands?
Second, I know that it's been a loooooong while since I last updated, but
life and shit get in the way, what can you do. (I thought I'd be way less
busy after midterms...am slowly finding out just how mistaken I am.) And
third, the Rivendell part is where the movie starts to really really differ
from the book. I'm sort of mixing the two with some original things of my
own. If that really bugs anyone, well suck it up princess.
Disclaimers: Pardon me, *four* things before we move on to the story. Apparently, people all around the world agree with me when I say that I do not own the LOTR universe. You learn something new everyday, I guess.
Chapter 7: At the Elf Place ~ ~ ~
So. Um, hi...? Gandalf fixed me with a glare. "What?! You're the one who didn't show up! I should be the one glaring!"
"And how do you explain this?" he made a sweeping gesture towards Frodo, shivering and whimpering on the bed. Along the way, his huge sleeve caught a vase and knocked it over, but we won't go into that.
"Explain what? It's not like I stabbed him. Look at me, see hands? Noooooo. You need hands to stab someone. I don't see why everyone has to blame me for the shit that happens just because I'm Sauron's spoiled little pet. Why don't you go ask your boy Strider to explain it, you evil stander- upper? I'm feeling too betrayed at the moment to talk to you," and I flounced out of the room. What, so I have some powers normal rings don't have. So? They're not *evil* powers.
The second we set foot in Rivendell, grabby elf hands felt me up while they stripped Frodo. Sheesh. I mean, I understand that elves have needs too, and it must be hard to go without some action for so long (some rule Lord Elrond made up about how if elves can't die, maybe they should lay off sex so they don't overpopulate and eat themselves to extinction), but to jump any foreigner the nanosecond he comes in? That's just a little needy there. And then Gandalf shows up from god knows where, looking all righteous with his elf friends and shooing me out of the room, saying he has important stuff to attend to. He doesn't show up to save my life, then kicks me out because I'd get in the way of him saving someone else's life, and he doesn't expect me to be pissed?
So I go off like he asked, figuring I'll go kill him after he heals Frodo, when I roll into a scene that'll be forever burned into my brain. Like one of those painful brands dungeons use to torture their prisoners. Except more painful. I walked into Strider fornicating with some elf.
"Er..."
"Oh! Alfonso! Um, yeah, here, let me get some pants on. Okay. This is Legolas, youngest prince of Mirkwood and my boyfriend. Legolas, this is the Evil Ring that will most definitely not tell Arwen about our relationship."
The blond studmuffin shifted to get a better view of me. He squinted. "Are you sure, sweetie? Because that's a really small ring. How can someone that small be the key to the end of the world?"
EXACTLY!!! "Dude, that's what I've been telling all of 'em. I like you already, elfboy."
Strider frowned ominously at his elf. "But that is where you are wrong, my love. The powers of this ring stretch beyond its size. It can use its Voice (note the capital "v") to persuade you to do things you never thought you would do. It will be the downfall of man and elf alike. It must be destroyed."
See, this is the kind of shit that keeps being circulated. And given a choice between believing his gorgeous wet lover and a sparkly little hoop, Legolas stays true to his dick and not to his brain. Can't say I blame him, though, because he's probably not used to relying on his brain. Very pretty, but not all that bright, that elf.
Stupid world, always against me. Damn, I sound like a really bad punk- angst song. Crap. I rolled outside and wandered in some garden somewhere. No, I did not appreciate all the gasping and pointing I received from those damn prissy elves. Are any of them *not* naturally blond? God. When I cleared my head enough, I went back to check on Frodo only to have Gandalf try and pin everything on me. Go figure. None of the fucking things that happen in this shithole they call MiddleEarth is my fault. Ever. Well, I mean, I sometimes help some stuff along, but I never actually start anything. Everything just ends up looking like it's my fault because everyone's damn paranoid. Sauron's not good enough at magic to actually give me those powers, okay? You think he ever paid attention to his lessons? If he did, he wouldn't be reduced to the burning eyeball he is now.
So, yeah. I flounced out of the room in a huff, and for the love of! Not again! The second time today! "You two are the horniest slut-puppies I've ever seen, and I have been alive for a reeeeeeeeaaal long time, so that's saying something."
"Hey, Estel's been gone for a while! I missed him!" Legolas defended with a little pout. And hot damn if it's not a nice pout. But---
"Estel?"
"My other name. Long story. I'll tell it to you someday, if you'll just leave us for an hour."
Don't ask, don't tell.
All this fucking is making me feel lonely and unloved. So much so that I almost began to miss Gollum's petting. Needless to say, all that lonely- and-unlovedness kept me up far into the night. I made the mistake of wandering outside and (you'd think I'd start learning by now) walked into. Um. Yeah.
"Strider? Do you sleep?"
"Oh! Evil Ring! Go away, we're busy."
"Shut up, Arwen, I wasn't talking to you."
Strider rolled his eyes. "Yes, Ring, I do sleep. Every now and then. When I'm not busy with Le---um, lovely Arwen here."
Arwen shot him a suspicious glare. "Aragorn? We need to talk. Make the Evil Ring go away."
"Aragorn?"
"Another name of mine. Don't even start. Just go, and I'll explain everything in the morning, okay?"
"Sure." Mm-hmm. I left the pagoda or whatever it was, and hid behind a tree. Like I was gonna miss this.
"Aragorn," Arwen started once she was sure I'd left (there's times being the size of a nickel really pays off) "You seem to like Legolas more than me. Is there a particular reason for that? Anything you'd like to talk about?"
"Um...no," he said convincingly, scuffing his toe on the ground and not meeting Arwen's eyes to emphasize his point.
"Because you know that I've given you my heart and soul, right? That I'm willing to die an icky death the way all mortals do, just to be a queen someday. And that I'll be with you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Ever since my dad practically adopted you when you were little, you've been the one I loved most. Besides myself and my dad and my best friend and my pet rock. But you're up there. And to show you just how devoted I am, take this necklace as a symbol of my immortal heart---I'm turning it over to you."
Man, that's disturbing. Why can't Strider or whatever he calls himself stick to people of his own species? First hobbits, then elves. What's next? Wait, don't answer that. And Elrond adopted him, too? Eww...that would mean he was banging his sister just now! Nasty!
"I cannot accept this gift."
That's right, you tell her.
"My heart is mine to give away," she insisted, shoving the necklace into his face. He cringed back to avoid getting an eyeball poinked out.
Lady. That was a rejection, okay? Get over it and find someone of your species who isn't your brother.
Strider grudgingly accepted the necklace, but said, "Look, don't be surprised if things between us aren't the same from now on. I'll keep this thing as a sign of friendship, but nothing more."
Arwen just smiled sweetly (are elves ever *not* pretty???) and tried to kiss him. He ran away in the direction of Legolas's room, muttering something about "getting a pretty penny when I pawn this baby."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Disclaimers: Pardon me, *four* things before we move on to the story. Apparently, people all around the world agree with me when I say that I do not own the LOTR universe. You learn something new everyday, I guess.
Chapter 7: At the Elf Place ~ ~ ~
So. Um, hi...? Gandalf fixed me with a glare. "What?! You're the one who didn't show up! I should be the one glaring!"
"And how do you explain this?" he made a sweeping gesture towards Frodo, shivering and whimpering on the bed. Along the way, his huge sleeve caught a vase and knocked it over, but we won't go into that.
"Explain what? It's not like I stabbed him. Look at me, see hands? Noooooo. You need hands to stab someone. I don't see why everyone has to blame me for the shit that happens just because I'm Sauron's spoiled little pet. Why don't you go ask your boy Strider to explain it, you evil stander- upper? I'm feeling too betrayed at the moment to talk to you," and I flounced out of the room. What, so I have some powers normal rings don't have. So? They're not *evil* powers.
The second we set foot in Rivendell, grabby elf hands felt me up while they stripped Frodo. Sheesh. I mean, I understand that elves have needs too, and it must be hard to go without some action for so long (some rule Lord Elrond made up about how if elves can't die, maybe they should lay off sex so they don't overpopulate and eat themselves to extinction), but to jump any foreigner the nanosecond he comes in? That's just a little needy there. And then Gandalf shows up from god knows where, looking all righteous with his elf friends and shooing me out of the room, saying he has important stuff to attend to. He doesn't show up to save my life, then kicks me out because I'd get in the way of him saving someone else's life, and he doesn't expect me to be pissed?
So I go off like he asked, figuring I'll go kill him after he heals Frodo, when I roll into a scene that'll be forever burned into my brain. Like one of those painful brands dungeons use to torture their prisoners. Except more painful. I walked into Strider fornicating with some elf.
"Er..."
"Oh! Alfonso! Um, yeah, here, let me get some pants on. Okay. This is Legolas, youngest prince of Mirkwood and my boyfriend. Legolas, this is the Evil Ring that will most definitely not tell Arwen about our relationship."
The blond studmuffin shifted to get a better view of me. He squinted. "Are you sure, sweetie? Because that's a really small ring. How can someone that small be the key to the end of the world?"
EXACTLY!!! "Dude, that's what I've been telling all of 'em. I like you already, elfboy."
Strider frowned ominously at his elf. "But that is where you are wrong, my love. The powers of this ring stretch beyond its size. It can use its Voice (note the capital "v") to persuade you to do things you never thought you would do. It will be the downfall of man and elf alike. It must be destroyed."
See, this is the kind of shit that keeps being circulated. And given a choice between believing his gorgeous wet lover and a sparkly little hoop, Legolas stays true to his dick and not to his brain. Can't say I blame him, though, because he's probably not used to relying on his brain. Very pretty, but not all that bright, that elf.
Stupid world, always against me. Damn, I sound like a really bad punk- angst song. Crap. I rolled outside and wandered in some garden somewhere. No, I did not appreciate all the gasping and pointing I received from those damn prissy elves. Are any of them *not* naturally blond? God. When I cleared my head enough, I went back to check on Frodo only to have Gandalf try and pin everything on me. Go figure. None of the fucking things that happen in this shithole they call MiddleEarth is my fault. Ever. Well, I mean, I sometimes help some stuff along, but I never actually start anything. Everything just ends up looking like it's my fault because everyone's damn paranoid. Sauron's not good enough at magic to actually give me those powers, okay? You think he ever paid attention to his lessons? If he did, he wouldn't be reduced to the burning eyeball he is now.
So, yeah. I flounced out of the room in a huff, and for the love of! Not again! The second time today! "You two are the horniest slut-puppies I've ever seen, and I have been alive for a reeeeeeeeaaal long time, so that's saying something."
"Hey, Estel's been gone for a while! I missed him!" Legolas defended with a little pout. And hot damn if it's not a nice pout. But---
"Estel?"
"My other name. Long story. I'll tell it to you someday, if you'll just leave us for an hour."
Don't ask, don't tell.
All this fucking is making me feel lonely and unloved. So much so that I almost began to miss Gollum's petting. Needless to say, all that lonely- and-unlovedness kept me up far into the night. I made the mistake of wandering outside and (you'd think I'd start learning by now) walked into. Um. Yeah.
"Strider? Do you sleep?"
"Oh! Evil Ring! Go away, we're busy."
"Shut up, Arwen, I wasn't talking to you."
Strider rolled his eyes. "Yes, Ring, I do sleep. Every now and then. When I'm not busy with Le---um, lovely Arwen here."
Arwen shot him a suspicious glare. "Aragorn? We need to talk. Make the Evil Ring go away."
"Aragorn?"
"Another name of mine. Don't even start. Just go, and I'll explain everything in the morning, okay?"
"Sure." Mm-hmm. I left the pagoda or whatever it was, and hid behind a tree. Like I was gonna miss this.
"Aragorn," Arwen started once she was sure I'd left (there's times being the size of a nickel really pays off) "You seem to like Legolas more than me. Is there a particular reason for that? Anything you'd like to talk about?"
"Um...no," he said convincingly, scuffing his toe on the ground and not meeting Arwen's eyes to emphasize his point.
"Because you know that I've given you my heart and soul, right? That I'm willing to die an icky death the way all mortals do, just to be a queen someday. And that I'll be with you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Ever since my dad practically adopted you when you were little, you've been the one I loved most. Besides myself and my dad and my best friend and my pet rock. But you're up there. And to show you just how devoted I am, take this necklace as a symbol of my immortal heart---I'm turning it over to you."
Man, that's disturbing. Why can't Strider or whatever he calls himself stick to people of his own species? First hobbits, then elves. What's next? Wait, don't answer that. And Elrond adopted him, too? Eww...that would mean he was banging his sister just now! Nasty!
"I cannot accept this gift."
That's right, you tell her.
"My heart is mine to give away," she insisted, shoving the necklace into his face. He cringed back to avoid getting an eyeball poinked out.
Lady. That was a rejection, okay? Get over it and find someone of your species who isn't your brother.
Strider grudgingly accepted the necklace, but said, "Look, don't be surprised if things between us aren't the same from now on. I'll keep this thing as a sign of friendship, but nothing more."
Arwen just smiled sweetly (are elves ever *not* pretty???) and tried to kiss him. He ran away in the direction of Legolas's room, muttering something about "getting a pretty penny when I pawn this baby."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC