A/N: I swear, it's like a law of nature or something. Every time I get
around to updating, fanfiction.net decides to go down. Damn. But I won't
complain, because, get this, WE HAVE OVER 50 REVIEWS!!!!!!!! Y'know, not
to brag or anything.
Disclaimers: ::singsong voice:: I don't oo~oo~own LOTR, dooh dah dooh dah, I don't oo~oo~own LOTR, dooh dooh dooh dah daaaaay.
Chapter 8: Right Before the Council Thingy ~ ~ ~
A few more days, maybe a week or two, passed by, and not a thing happened. Well, Aragorn/Strider shagged like a bunny, but I got so used to walking in on him that even *that* became same old, same old. When it became pretty clear that Frodo wasn't going to die, I began to seek out revenge on Gandalf.
One night, I ran into a scruffy-looking human, very much like Strider in all respects but two: he was dry, and he had his pants on.
"Hi, Evil Ring. I heard from the ol' elf grapevine that you're looking for someone to do a number on that Gandalf."
"Er...well, yeah. But I never considered hiring a hit-man for it..."
"But I'm your man! I, Boromir of Gondor, can dispose of that pesky wizard for you, free of charge."
Huh. It's one of them Gondor freaks. "That's very gracious of you, Boromir......so, what's the catch?"
Boromir shrugged. "Oh, nothing. Out of the goodness of my heart, happy to provide a service, that sort of thing."
"You wanna rule the world, don't you?" Rhetorical question, really.
"Yeah."
I thought so. "Look. Listen very closely, because I'm only telling you once. I do not possess *anything* that will help you rule the world, okay? Nothing. At. All."
"I don't believe you, because if that were true, Elrond wouldn't have called a meeting for the representatives of all the Free Peoples," Boromir insisted annoyingly.
"Whatthefuck???"
"Yeah, that's right. We're going to discuss how to destroy you, but if you side with me, I promise you'll not come to harm."
"You guys call yourselves the 'Free Peoples'?!?!"
Boromir gave me a weird raising-of-the-eyebrows-sideways-glance-impatient- glare look that seemed to look kind of painful. "Of all the important things to pick out of my sentence..."
"But it's so cheesy!"
"The point is, your only hope is to strike a deal with me," he said with a waggle of his bushy eyebrows.
"Ew. No, thank you. I'd rather risk it."
"Risk what?" a high, silvery voice asked. Oh look, Legolas has managed to stumble out of his bedroom long enough to join us. Surprise, surprise.
"Risk whatever you decide to do with me at that meeting Elrond planned," I answered.
"You weren't supposed to know about that," Legolas shot Boromir a pointed look. Boromir mouthed "fuck you" at him, and he stuck out his tongue in retaliation. "We thought you'd try to run away if you found out," he continued.
"Nah, I'll stay and risk it. Rivendell's pampered me too much---I'm too fat and lazy to run away. Besides---" well, no one's listening to me anymore. Everyone was too busy engaged in a catfight to. Boromir was sticking up both middle fingers at Legolas, who was making faces back at him. This exchange probably could've gone on for a few more days if Strider's voice hadn't floated out from a room high above. "Hunnybunny? What's taking you so long?"
And just like that, Legolas disappeared. Damn lovebirds. Before Boromir could resume begging me to *pretty please* make him king of the world, Gandalf came around. I pounced on him with all the growling fury of a ring scorned.
"Al! Calm down! Alfonso! Christ, get off me you little rabid Chihuahua of a trinket. Ow! Watch the beard! What is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me?! What the fuck is wrong with you? You abandon me to the wolves and expect me to be perfectly okay with that?!?!?! Do you really? Well, I'm not okay with it, and I want you to DIIIIEEEE!!!"
"Dammit, Ring! Stop it! If you kill me, there will be no one else for a 100 000 000 miles who believes in your inability to dominate the world."
That settled me down a little. I detached myself from Gandalf and growled, "Watch it, old man. It's not an *inability* to dominate the world, I just don't want to make others do it."
"Yeah, whatever. Frodo's okay now, so if you'll reacquaint yourself with that chain around his neck, we can get on to that meeting you've no doubt heard about," Gandalf muttered, smoothing the wrinkles of his, um, whatever the hell he calls that dirty assortment of hand-me-down rags.
Gandalf has such a knack for making something as sexy as living on Frodo's porcelain throat sound as undesirable as living in Strider's soggy hair.
Boromir looked at Gandalf, shocked, and said, "You don't believe in the fact that the Ring has powers of pure evil?"
Heh, let's see you get yourself out of this one. Gandalf shuffled from foot to foot. "Oh, uh, of course I believe it, I just don't, that's all. Yeah. Why don't you just run along to your meeting?"
Boromir gave him another one of those weird looks that involved lots of painful-looking eyebrow movement, and stalked off. I tried to emulate the look, but the whole "I'm a ring, I don't have eyebrows" deal limited my success. Gandalf had left already, anyway, so it didn't matter. I went to Frodo's room and walked into...um, gee. I always had an idea that Sam fancied Frodo, but is he really trying to kiss him? Poor, clueless Sam. Frodo was basically ignoring his affectionate attempts, swatting him away and saying, "Not now, Sam, I'm busy looking for the Ring." Haha. Sam looks so crushed.
"Ah! There you are! I trust you haven't gotten yourself into too much trouble?" he asked while slipping me back onto that chain I'm starting to think of as home. I began telling him of Strider's happy adventures, but he interrupted me wryly. "Trust me, I know. Legolas's room wasn't too far from this one, and we could hear the non-stop banging at any given time."
Nice to know. Frodo and I left Sam in the room, because the meeting was apparently for Very Special Invited Guests only. Ha on Sam. We made our way to yet another gazebo (is it some sort of elvish fetish, these gazebos?), where Elrond's Very Special and Impressive Council sat waiting for us. Damn, I'm starting to get into these people's habit of capitalizing Everything.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Disclaimers: ::singsong voice:: I don't oo~oo~own LOTR, dooh dah dooh dah, I don't oo~oo~own LOTR, dooh dooh dooh dah daaaaay.
Chapter 8: Right Before the Council Thingy ~ ~ ~
A few more days, maybe a week or two, passed by, and not a thing happened. Well, Aragorn/Strider shagged like a bunny, but I got so used to walking in on him that even *that* became same old, same old. When it became pretty clear that Frodo wasn't going to die, I began to seek out revenge on Gandalf.
One night, I ran into a scruffy-looking human, very much like Strider in all respects but two: he was dry, and he had his pants on.
"Hi, Evil Ring. I heard from the ol' elf grapevine that you're looking for someone to do a number on that Gandalf."
"Er...well, yeah. But I never considered hiring a hit-man for it..."
"But I'm your man! I, Boromir of Gondor, can dispose of that pesky wizard for you, free of charge."
Huh. It's one of them Gondor freaks. "That's very gracious of you, Boromir......so, what's the catch?"
Boromir shrugged. "Oh, nothing. Out of the goodness of my heart, happy to provide a service, that sort of thing."
"You wanna rule the world, don't you?" Rhetorical question, really.
"Yeah."
I thought so. "Look. Listen very closely, because I'm only telling you once. I do not possess *anything* that will help you rule the world, okay? Nothing. At. All."
"I don't believe you, because if that were true, Elrond wouldn't have called a meeting for the representatives of all the Free Peoples," Boromir insisted annoyingly.
"Whatthefuck???"
"Yeah, that's right. We're going to discuss how to destroy you, but if you side with me, I promise you'll not come to harm."
"You guys call yourselves the 'Free Peoples'?!?!"
Boromir gave me a weird raising-of-the-eyebrows-sideways-glance-impatient- glare look that seemed to look kind of painful. "Of all the important things to pick out of my sentence..."
"But it's so cheesy!"
"The point is, your only hope is to strike a deal with me," he said with a waggle of his bushy eyebrows.
"Ew. No, thank you. I'd rather risk it."
"Risk what?" a high, silvery voice asked. Oh look, Legolas has managed to stumble out of his bedroom long enough to join us. Surprise, surprise.
"Risk whatever you decide to do with me at that meeting Elrond planned," I answered.
"You weren't supposed to know about that," Legolas shot Boromir a pointed look. Boromir mouthed "fuck you" at him, and he stuck out his tongue in retaliation. "We thought you'd try to run away if you found out," he continued.
"Nah, I'll stay and risk it. Rivendell's pampered me too much---I'm too fat and lazy to run away. Besides---" well, no one's listening to me anymore. Everyone was too busy engaged in a catfight to. Boromir was sticking up both middle fingers at Legolas, who was making faces back at him. This exchange probably could've gone on for a few more days if Strider's voice hadn't floated out from a room high above. "Hunnybunny? What's taking you so long?"
And just like that, Legolas disappeared. Damn lovebirds. Before Boromir could resume begging me to *pretty please* make him king of the world, Gandalf came around. I pounced on him with all the growling fury of a ring scorned.
"Al! Calm down! Alfonso! Christ, get off me you little rabid Chihuahua of a trinket. Ow! Watch the beard! What is wrong with you?"
"What's wrong with me?! What the fuck is wrong with you? You abandon me to the wolves and expect me to be perfectly okay with that?!?!?! Do you really? Well, I'm not okay with it, and I want you to DIIIIEEEE!!!"
"Dammit, Ring! Stop it! If you kill me, there will be no one else for a 100 000 000 miles who believes in your inability to dominate the world."
That settled me down a little. I detached myself from Gandalf and growled, "Watch it, old man. It's not an *inability* to dominate the world, I just don't want to make others do it."
"Yeah, whatever. Frodo's okay now, so if you'll reacquaint yourself with that chain around his neck, we can get on to that meeting you've no doubt heard about," Gandalf muttered, smoothing the wrinkles of his, um, whatever the hell he calls that dirty assortment of hand-me-down rags.
Gandalf has such a knack for making something as sexy as living on Frodo's porcelain throat sound as undesirable as living in Strider's soggy hair.
Boromir looked at Gandalf, shocked, and said, "You don't believe in the fact that the Ring has powers of pure evil?"
Heh, let's see you get yourself out of this one. Gandalf shuffled from foot to foot. "Oh, uh, of course I believe it, I just don't, that's all. Yeah. Why don't you just run along to your meeting?"
Boromir gave him another one of those weird looks that involved lots of painful-looking eyebrow movement, and stalked off. I tried to emulate the look, but the whole "I'm a ring, I don't have eyebrows" deal limited my success. Gandalf had left already, anyway, so it didn't matter. I went to Frodo's room and walked into...um, gee. I always had an idea that Sam fancied Frodo, but is he really trying to kiss him? Poor, clueless Sam. Frodo was basically ignoring his affectionate attempts, swatting him away and saying, "Not now, Sam, I'm busy looking for the Ring." Haha. Sam looks so crushed.
"Ah! There you are! I trust you haven't gotten yourself into too much trouble?" he asked while slipping me back onto that chain I'm starting to think of as home. I began telling him of Strider's happy adventures, but he interrupted me wryly. "Trust me, I know. Legolas's room wasn't too far from this one, and we could hear the non-stop banging at any given time."
Nice to know. Frodo and I left Sam in the room, because the meeting was apparently for Very Special Invited Guests only. Ha on Sam. We made our way to yet another gazebo (is it some sort of elvish fetish, these gazebos?), where Elrond's Very Special and Impressive Council sat waiting for us. Damn, I'm starting to get into these people's habit of capitalizing Everything.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC