A/N: Yay! This is my favourite chapter of this fic, and I've been excited
about posting it for at least two weeks coming. Dude, I should get out
more. Anyhow, hope you like it as much as I do.
Disclaimers: Hello. I am a lowly fic writer. I am not of legal age, own neither a house nor a car, and hold a minimum wage job. I receive no payment or special imbursement for writing this. Presented with these facts, would you assume that I own LOTR? I think not.
Chapter 9: The Council Thingy ~ ~ ~
Frodo and I arrived at the meeting, and damned if I've ever seen so many pretty blonds in one place before. Man! And ugh.what the hell are those things? With the chunky braids and huge noses and---are they dwarves? Or dead skunks?
"Silence!" Elrond commanded impressively. That tiara he was wearing, I could've sworn I'd seen that before. Oh that's right, Arwen was wearing it last night. Do you think Elrond borrowed hers, or do they have a matching father-daughter set or something?
"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo Baggins."
Oh no. No! You are not putting me on display so that all those dead skunks with sharp weapons can leap at me! No! Nonononononononono!!! Pretty please don't leave me here! Dammit. He left me on a pedestal in the middle of the meeting. I could here the dwarves licking their lips and sharpening their daggers already. Stupid Frodo, no sense of protection whatsoever.
No sooner had Frodo returned to his seat than Boromir stands up, with his brilliant plan of using me to win the war against Sauron. Gandalf pointed out that I was on Sauron's side. Everyone acknowledged him, nodded and told him it was a very good point. I pointed out that I didn't have the power to win the damn war. Everyone ignored me. Well, excuuu~uuuuuse me, but I thought my point was better than Gandalf's.
"Our people are dying, starving, uneducated, and poor. That really has more to do with bad governing than Sauron, but we can blame it on the eyeball and dominate the world at the same time if we use the ring! Think about the power!"
Someone, anyone, please get it through to Boromir that I lack the ability to do that! I could try, certainly, but I'd just end up straining something and failing. Please make him shut the fuck up! I think Aragorn/Strider took pity on me, because he spoke up. "No one can use the Ring," said he. Exactly! "It is too dangerous. It will take over your mind, take over your soul, and make you do unspeakable things. It will control you in every way. The Evil is too great for anyone to bear," he continued. Waaaaaaaait a minute. No I won't! Dammit! Why is everyone so hellbent on making me look bad?
Boromir scoffed. "What would some scruffy wet ranger know anything about anything?"
Oooooh...bad move on Gondor guy's part. I wouldn't insult the ranger when his boyfriend looks cranky.
"Shut the fuck up! Aragorn isn't wet! It's just an optical illusion! He looks ten times better than you could ever hope to, and plus he's next in line to the throne! Will you ever be on the throne? Noooooooooo!!! NEVER! All you'll ever get to do is blow that stupid horn, so in your face, Boromir!" Legolas is usually a very calm person, but he's also capable of expressing himself in sudden streams of boiling hatred. Not that his immediate defense of Aragorn wasn't cute...it's just that everyone started getting kinda nervous when he began to hiss and spit and swear in seventeen different languages.
"Why don't you sit down and take a deep breath, Legolas?" Aragorn said gently---or warily, you couldn't really tell. Legolas sat back down and smiled serenely, as though nothing had happened.
"Um...sorry?" Boromir said to Aragorn, more out of fear than a genuine need to apologize. "So, as I was saying, use the Ring to defeat Sauron, and then get lots of power."
No! No deal! You're not using me, and that's final.
"We cannot us the Ring, for it is too dangerous," Elrond decided, quite rightly I may add. "It must be destroyed."
What?!?! I change my mind! Usemeusemeusemeusemeuseme!!! USE ME!!!
Boromir seemed to be nearly as pissed as I was over the decision. "We're going to go and just waste an opportunity to rule the world? No way! And we're going to have to get into Mordor to do it? Is that even possible! The place looks like a victim of numerous and daily nuclear bombings, complete with rubble, fire, and animals that look like they've been exposed to too much radiation. And even if we got to it, we'd never get in, because now that Sauron's nothing but an eyeball, he's all-seeing. He'd spot us from a mile away."
Aren't we paranoid today...
Legolas stood up again, ready to go for round two. Did he not get laid last night or something? So much excess energy! "Were you not listening to Elrond? The Ring *must* be destroyed!"
Whoa, hey, fellas. "Must" is such a strong word. Let's rethink this. Let's not destroy me. Legolas? Please?
"I'm sorry, dear Ring, but you must die to make the world peaceful once more. At least your death will have meaning." Aww...he's so nice. Too bad he's entertaining the idea of KILLING ME.
"And who is going to do this task? You?" a dwarf asked.
"Maybe not me personally...I am not the most responsible person for the job. The only reason I am even at this meeting is because Daddy wanted me out of his way. He does not truly believe I will accomplish anything useful. However, another elf would be able to do the task." (of killing me, I might add. Are any of you people disturbed by the fact that you're discussing my murder in front of my face?!?!)
"I will die before I see the Ring in the dirty hands of elves!" another dwarf yelled. Oh boy. A dozen blond heads snapped up at that comment. Can we say "bar fight"?
"What did you just say?!?!?!" "You crawl in the dirt, and you call us dirty?" "How dare you insult this perfect specimen! I have abs of steel!" "Hey, I'm prettier than you!"
Aragorn leapt in. "Deep breaths, people. Deeeeep breaths."
"Shut up, wet ranger!" the second dwarf yelled. Um, hello...did we not learn a lesson earlier on? Did we not witness the vitriol Legolas is capable of? Do we really need to provoke him?
"He is neither wet nor a mere ranger, you ugly little earthdigger. You owe him your allegiance!"
"I owe him nothing, blondie!"
"You wanna go, bitch?"
In-ter-est-ing. Tall, slender, graceful Legolas, attempting to give a dead skunk with an axe a noogie. Aragorn let them fight, until the dwarf started retaliating. Then, he said, "Gimli! Legolas! Stop it! We're all grown-ups here---let's talk this out like sensible adults."
They broke apart, with some assistance and prying. Legolas made one last growly attempt to bite Gimli, then let Aragorn pull him off. At this rate, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. Chances are, they'll end up killing each other before they kill me.
Frodo came forward, inching sideways away from Legolas. "Um...if you guys are going to have huge brawls over this, why not just let me take the Ring?" Yes! Say yes! If you're gonna kill me, let me spend my last days on the neck I've grown comfortable on! Please! I'd be giving puppydog eyes if I could.
Elrond rubbed his temples. "Fine, whatever. Go get rid of the Ring, young Frodo, and good luck."
"You'd better not be leaving me to die, motherfucker," I snarled at Gandalf rather subtly.
He sighed. "I will help you on your journey, Frodo."
Boromir saw his chance to have at me some more and jumped in. "Me too!" No, goddammit, get away from me! What are you, a stalker?
Aragorn and Legolas communicated with their goo goo eyes like the annoying lovebirds they are, and both decided to join us. They squeezed in to stand between Boromir and me, bless them. Not to be left out, Gimli joined, making some sort of excuse about not trusting the elf to cover for his sheep-like behavior of mindless conformity.
And from out of nowhere, the three other hobbits came running out and insisted on joining. Now Merry and Pippin I don't mind, but Sam? No. Just to spite me, though, Elrond decided that Sam could most definitely go with us. ::sigh::
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Disclaimers: Hello. I am a lowly fic writer. I am not of legal age, own neither a house nor a car, and hold a minimum wage job. I receive no payment or special imbursement for writing this. Presented with these facts, would you assume that I own LOTR? I think not.
Chapter 9: The Council Thingy ~ ~ ~
Frodo and I arrived at the meeting, and damned if I've ever seen so many pretty blonds in one place before. Man! And ugh.what the hell are those things? With the chunky braids and huge noses and---are they dwarves? Or dead skunks?
"Silence!" Elrond commanded impressively. That tiara he was wearing, I could've sworn I'd seen that before. Oh that's right, Arwen was wearing it last night. Do you think Elrond borrowed hers, or do they have a matching father-daughter set or something?
"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo Baggins."
Oh no. No! You are not putting me on display so that all those dead skunks with sharp weapons can leap at me! No! Nonononononononono!!! Pretty please don't leave me here! Dammit. He left me on a pedestal in the middle of the meeting. I could here the dwarves licking their lips and sharpening their daggers already. Stupid Frodo, no sense of protection whatsoever.
No sooner had Frodo returned to his seat than Boromir stands up, with his brilliant plan of using me to win the war against Sauron. Gandalf pointed out that I was on Sauron's side. Everyone acknowledged him, nodded and told him it was a very good point. I pointed out that I didn't have the power to win the damn war. Everyone ignored me. Well, excuuu~uuuuuse me, but I thought my point was better than Gandalf's.
"Our people are dying, starving, uneducated, and poor. That really has more to do with bad governing than Sauron, but we can blame it on the eyeball and dominate the world at the same time if we use the ring! Think about the power!"
Someone, anyone, please get it through to Boromir that I lack the ability to do that! I could try, certainly, but I'd just end up straining something and failing. Please make him shut the fuck up! I think Aragorn/Strider took pity on me, because he spoke up. "No one can use the Ring," said he. Exactly! "It is too dangerous. It will take over your mind, take over your soul, and make you do unspeakable things. It will control you in every way. The Evil is too great for anyone to bear," he continued. Waaaaaaaait a minute. No I won't! Dammit! Why is everyone so hellbent on making me look bad?
Boromir scoffed. "What would some scruffy wet ranger know anything about anything?"
Oooooh...bad move on Gondor guy's part. I wouldn't insult the ranger when his boyfriend looks cranky.
"Shut the fuck up! Aragorn isn't wet! It's just an optical illusion! He looks ten times better than you could ever hope to, and plus he's next in line to the throne! Will you ever be on the throne? Noooooooooo!!! NEVER! All you'll ever get to do is blow that stupid horn, so in your face, Boromir!" Legolas is usually a very calm person, but he's also capable of expressing himself in sudden streams of boiling hatred. Not that his immediate defense of Aragorn wasn't cute...it's just that everyone started getting kinda nervous when he began to hiss and spit and swear in seventeen different languages.
"Why don't you sit down and take a deep breath, Legolas?" Aragorn said gently---or warily, you couldn't really tell. Legolas sat back down and smiled serenely, as though nothing had happened.
"Um...sorry?" Boromir said to Aragorn, more out of fear than a genuine need to apologize. "So, as I was saying, use the Ring to defeat Sauron, and then get lots of power."
No! No deal! You're not using me, and that's final.
"We cannot us the Ring, for it is too dangerous," Elrond decided, quite rightly I may add. "It must be destroyed."
What?!?! I change my mind! Usemeusemeusemeusemeuseme!!! USE ME!!!
Boromir seemed to be nearly as pissed as I was over the decision. "We're going to go and just waste an opportunity to rule the world? No way! And we're going to have to get into Mordor to do it? Is that even possible! The place looks like a victim of numerous and daily nuclear bombings, complete with rubble, fire, and animals that look like they've been exposed to too much radiation. And even if we got to it, we'd never get in, because now that Sauron's nothing but an eyeball, he's all-seeing. He'd spot us from a mile away."
Aren't we paranoid today...
Legolas stood up again, ready to go for round two. Did he not get laid last night or something? So much excess energy! "Were you not listening to Elrond? The Ring *must* be destroyed!"
Whoa, hey, fellas. "Must" is such a strong word. Let's rethink this. Let's not destroy me. Legolas? Please?
"I'm sorry, dear Ring, but you must die to make the world peaceful once more. At least your death will have meaning." Aww...he's so nice. Too bad he's entertaining the idea of KILLING ME.
"And who is going to do this task? You?" a dwarf asked.
"Maybe not me personally...I am not the most responsible person for the job. The only reason I am even at this meeting is because Daddy wanted me out of his way. He does not truly believe I will accomplish anything useful. However, another elf would be able to do the task." (of killing me, I might add. Are any of you people disturbed by the fact that you're discussing my murder in front of my face?!?!)
"I will die before I see the Ring in the dirty hands of elves!" another dwarf yelled. Oh boy. A dozen blond heads snapped up at that comment. Can we say "bar fight"?
"What did you just say?!?!?!" "You crawl in the dirt, and you call us dirty?" "How dare you insult this perfect specimen! I have abs of steel!" "Hey, I'm prettier than you!"
Aragorn leapt in. "Deep breaths, people. Deeeeep breaths."
"Shut up, wet ranger!" the second dwarf yelled. Um, hello...did we not learn a lesson earlier on? Did we not witness the vitriol Legolas is capable of? Do we really need to provoke him?
"He is neither wet nor a mere ranger, you ugly little earthdigger. You owe him your allegiance!"
"I owe him nothing, blondie!"
"You wanna go, bitch?"
In-ter-est-ing. Tall, slender, graceful Legolas, attempting to give a dead skunk with an axe a noogie. Aragorn let them fight, until the dwarf started retaliating. Then, he said, "Gimli! Legolas! Stop it! We're all grown-ups here---let's talk this out like sensible adults."
They broke apart, with some assistance and prying. Legolas made one last growly attempt to bite Gimli, then let Aragorn pull him off. At this rate, I'm not so worried about my life anymore. Chances are, they'll end up killing each other before they kill me.
Frodo came forward, inching sideways away from Legolas. "Um...if you guys are going to have huge brawls over this, why not just let me take the Ring?" Yes! Say yes! If you're gonna kill me, let me spend my last days on the neck I've grown comfortable on! Please! I'd be giving puppydog eyes if I could.
Elrond rubbed his temples. "Fine, whatever. Go get rid of the Ring, young Frodo, and good luck."
"You'd better not be leaving me to die, motherfucker," I snarled at Gandalf rather subtly.
He sighed. "I will help you on your journey, Frodo."
Boromir saw his chance to have at me some more and jumped in. "Me too!" No, goddammit, get away from me! What are you, a stalker?
Aragorn and Legolas communicated with their goo goo eyes like the annoying lovebirds they are, and both decided to join us. They squeezed in to stand between Boromir and me, bless them. Not to be left out, Gimli joined, making some sort of excuse about not trusting the elf to cover for his sheep-like behavior of mindless conformity.
And from out of nowhere, the three other hobbits came running out and insisted on joining. Now Merry and Pippin I don't mind, but Sam? No. Just to spite me, though, Elrond decided that Sam could most definitely go with us. ::sigh::
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC