A/N: Hey people! Summer rocks, you know that? Just thought you'd like to
know. Winter's great too, but the two weeks off have nothing on the two
months off you get in the summer. Alright then, down to business. Cookies
go out to Late Blake's Assistant, darkcherry, and biisis. And welcome
aboard, Sunrunner of Summer, haven't seen you before, but thanks for
checking out my fic. And a really major, great, big, *huge* cookie with
toppings on top for Paige Darke, for giving me great review for just about
every chapter. And the rest of you wankers who read but don't review? I
love you anyway, but review! I'm at 93 reviews, and I wanna hit triple
digits!
Disclaimers: I think I've been over this enough for anyone with even half a brain cell to know that I don't own a goddamned thing. But in case you're Wilson Tso, or George W. Bush, or some other person born with less than half a brain cell, here it is. I DO NOT OWN THE LOTR UNIVERSE.
Chapter 15: Down the Big Mountain ~ ~ ~
After some long moments of hacking and struggling and writhing and all that fun stuff you get to do when you're on the brink of dying, we managed to fight our way through the snow enough to allow us to breathe. Aragorn, like his predecessor Isildur, was prone to wheezing, and that's what I got to listen to while watching Gimli waddle his way out of snow, panting and heaving. Speaking of heaving, I don't recall ever having been so thankful for the fact that I have no mouth and can't eat, because if I did and could, I would have been vomiting all over the snow right then. Gimli and Aragorn separately were a lot to take. Together? It took all of my self- control to not make loud retching sounds.
Legolas, of course, took everything in stride. The wheezing of Aragorn, he probably hears every night, and Gimli was too short for him to see. And the snow? Not a problem. He went right on, frolicking around in it, squealing in delight.
"WHEEEEEE!!! This is FUN! Oh, isn't this fun, Gandalf?" our blonde three- year-old asked. Gandalf growled.
"The weather is too bad for us to go on! I say we go through the Mines of Moria! I used to date this chick there, and she can get us rooms for next to nothing," Gimli said. I immediately had to chase out images of Gimli getting hot n' heavy with some lady dwarf. Oh, fuck, that's nasty.
Apparently, Gandalf thought so too. He visibly paled at the thought of being stuck underground with women who would date *Gimli*, and vehemently said, "No! We will go over the mountain and tempt certain death instead! Anything but the Mines of Moria!"
Boromir agreed. "We will *not* go into the Mines. How about we take the Gap of Rohan?"
"That takes us too close to the big scary dude," Sam said, shaking his head.
"Alrighty, mountain and certain death it is," Boromir said, ready to set off again.
Through all of this discussion, Merry and Pippin watched Legolas nance around like a demented fairy out of hell in the snow. Pippin poked Merry, made a motion with his head, and on some creepy, unspoken hobbit agreement, the both of them joined Legolas. Oh, gawd, would y'all just stop with that?! Now, there were three of them, bouncing around like idiots, joyously shouting "Whee! Fun! Fun!"
This proved to be too much for everyone. "See? Mines of Moria are the way to go!" Gimli said smugly.
"Let the Ringbearer decide," Gandalf compromised, begging Frodo with his eyes to get us off this damned mountain and away from the snow.
"Mines of Moria." Frodo looked at Pippin and Merry and Legolas. "And quickly, too."
"A wise choice," Aragorn commended. "Boromir? Are we in agreement?"
"Fiery demons and hideous dwarf-women be damned! I'll take them over watching those three fucking fairies nancing in the snow any day!"
"Legolas, the love of my life," he called out, "we're leaving the mountain to go through the Mines of Moria."
Legolas pouted. "But there is no snow down in the depths of the Earth. No snow in which I can play!"
Exactly, I muttered. Aragorn glared at me. "But honey, it's too cold up here for Frodo. You don't want your puppy to get sick, do you?"
"Hey, wait a sec---"
"Quiet, Frodo," Aragorn hissed. "Do you want to get off the mountain or not?" That shut him up. Frodo gave a puppy-like whimper and chattered his teeth.
Legolas sighed, and skipped back. Disappointed, Pippin and Merry followed him.
"Poor Fido. If you really cannot bear the cold, we will take a warmer route." He patted Frodo's head.
"There's a good elfie," Aragorn said. "Such selfless action. My babylove is so mature and considerate." This was, of course, followed by lots of wet kissing. Aragorn was still carrying poor Fido, so it happened over his head. And since I was on his neck, I could see all of it just fine, too. Oh, man, save it for the bedroom! Knock it out! Frodo scrunched up his eyes, and Sam came to his rescue (of course).
"Hey! Cold hobbits need to get off the mountain, remember?" he yelled.
Legolas pulled away. "Okay. How shall we descend?"
"We're going to walk, sugarplum."
"Walk? How horribly boring!"
"I can shove you down the mountain, if you want," Gimli offered. "I'm sure hurling down the side, screaming and scrabbling desperately for a handhold, would be much more exciting than just plain walking."
Legolas looked like he was actually considering the offer, but Aragorn got all wonky and possessive. "Did you just threaten the bane of my existence? The core of my heart? The heater of my bed? Did you?! Did you just express wishes to endanger his life? Did you?!?! Huh? DID YOU?!?!?! ANSWER ME!!!!!"
"Estelly-welly, darling, just let it go."
"He *threatened* you!!!"
"Hmm...indeed, he did! Why, you stinky dwarf!" And the two of them lunged at Gimli together. Sam and Frodo, still in Aragorn's arms, gave frightened yelps.
Dude! We're supposed to be getting off the fucking mountain, remember? The storm's getting worse, the avalanche is starting up again, the wind's setting in, and I really don't wanna get squished between the gayest gay elf *ever* and the nastiest nasty dwarf *EVER*, okay?
"Fine!" Legolas stalked off, miffed.
"Ring..." Aragorn began. Don't even start with me, okay? I have more of a right to bitch than any of you, so just save it. Aragorn shut his mouth, and we began walking down the way we came.
"Hey! I have an idea!" Oh, great. That was Legolas's 'I'm so brillian' tone, meaning he has another crazy-ass suggestion. Yeah, it was in that tone of voice that he suggested making Frodo his puppy. And it was probably also in that tone of voice that he asked Aragorn out for the very first time.
"What is it?" the rest of us asked, some sounding more terrified than others.
"Look at Boromir's large shield."
Boromir immediately got on the defensive. "Ohhhhh no. No. You are not doing anything that involves me or my weaponry. The answer is final. No."
"But it would be so much fun!"
"What is it, exactly," Aragorn asked warily.
"We could toboggan down the side of the mountain in the shield. It is sufficiently spacious, and would make a rather good toboggan, would it not?" he said proudly, happy he came up with such a brilliant idea.
"NO!!!" Boromir clamped his hands firmly around his shield and shook his head violently. "Absolutely not! No way in hell!"
Hey, if it'll make Boromir mad, then I'm all for it. Boromir shook his fist at me, but from our earlier encounter, I knew that he couldn't throw a punch for shit.
"Isn't that a little dangerous? It would kill me if you got hurt, Legolas. It would absolutely break my heart. You don't want to break my heart, do you?" Aragorn asked.
"No, I suppose not." Legolas looked at the shield longingly. "We are almost at the bottom, anyhow."
Gandalf, Boromir, and Gimli all breathed audible sighs of relief. Trust Aragorn to be able to totally manipulate Legolas. I so have to learn how to do that to Frodo. Oh, the possibilities... Anyhow, we reached the entrance of the Mines of Moria without any further kafuffle, and we all sat down for a well-deserved rest by some dirty puddle near the entrance, waiting for Gandalf to open the doors to this new hell.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Disclaimers: I think I've been over this enough for anyone with even half a brain cell to know that I don't own a goddamned thing. But in case you're Wilson Tso, or George W. Bush, or some other person born with less than half a brain cell, here it is. I DO NOT OWN THE LOTR UNIVERSE.
Chapter 15: Down the Big Mountain ~ ~ ~
After some long moments of hacking and struggling and writhing and all that fun stuff you get to do when you're on the brink of dying, we managed to fight our way through the snow enough to allow us to breathe. Aragorn, like his predecessor Isildur, was prone to wheezing, and that's what I got to listen to while watching Gimli waddle his way out of snow, panting and heaving. Speaking of heaving, I don't recall ever having been so thankful for the fact that I have no mouth and can't eat, because if I did and could, I would have been vomiting all over the snow right then. Gimli and Aragorn separately were a lot to take. Together? It took all of my self- control to not make loud retching sounds.
Legolas, of course, took everything in stride. The wheezing of Aragorn, he probably hears every night, and Gimli was too short for him to see. And the snow? Not a problem. He went right on, frolicking around in it, squealing in delight.
"WHEEEEEE!!! This is FUN! Oh, isn't this fun, Gandalf?" our blonde three- year-old asked. Gandalf growled.
"The weather is too bad for us to go on! I say we go through the Mines of Moria! I used to date this chick there, and she can get us rooms for next to nothing," Gimli said. I immediately had to chase out images of Gimli getting hot n' heavy with some lady dwarf. Oh, fuck, that's nasty.
Apparently, Gandalf thought so too. He visibly paled at the thought of being stuck underground with women who would date *Gimli*, and vehemently said, "No! We will go over the mountain and tempt certain death instead! Anything but the Mines of Moria!"
Boromir agreed. "We will *not* go into the Mines. How about we take the Gap of Rohan?"
"That takes us too close to the big scary dude," Sam said, shaking his head.
"Alrighty, mountain and certain death it is," Boromir said, ready to set off again.
Through all of this discussion, Merry and Pippin watched Legolas nance around like a demented fairy out of hell in the snow. Pippin poked Merry, made a motion with his head, and on some creepy, unspoken hobbit agreement, the both of them joined Legolas. Oh, gawd, would y'all just stop with that?! Now, there were three of them, bouncing around like idiots, joyously shouting "Whee! Fun! Fun!"
This proved to be too much for everyone. "See? Mines of Moria are the way to go!" Gimli said smugly.
"Let the Ringbearer decide," Gandalf compromised, begging Frodo with his eyes to get us off this damned mountain and away from the snow.
"Mines of Moria." Frodo looked at Pippin and Merry and Legolas. "And quickly, too."
"A wise choice," Aragorn commended. "Boromir? Are we in agreement?"
"Fiery demons and hideous dwarf-women be damned! I'll take them over watching those three fucking fairies nancing in the snow any day!"
"Legolas, the love of my life," he called out, "we're leaving the mountain to go through the Mines of Moria."
Legolas pouted. "But there is no snow down in the depths of the Earth. No snow in which I can play!"
Exactly, I muttered. Aragorn glared at me. "But honey, it's too cold up here for Frodo. You don't want your puppy to get sick, do you?"
"Hey, wait a sec---"
"Quiet, Frodo," Aragorn hissed. "Do you want to get off the mountain or not?" That shut him up. Frodo gave a puppy-like whimper and chattered his teeth.
Legolas sighed, and skipped back. Disappointed, Pippin and Merry followed him.
"Poor Fido. If you really cannot bear the cold, we will take a warmer route." He patted Frodo's head.
"There's a good elfie," Aragorn said. "Such selfless action. My babylove is so mature and considerate." This was, of course, followed by lots of wet kissing. Aragorn was still carrying poor Fido, so it happened over his head. And since I was on his neck, I could see all of it just fine, too. Oh, man, save it for the bedroom! Knock it out! Frodo scrunched up his eyes, and Sam came to his rescue (of course).
"Hey! Cold hobbits need to get off the mountain, remember?" he yelled.
Legolas pulled away. "Okay. How shall we descend?"
"We're going to walk, sugarplum."
"Walk? How horribly boring!"
"I can shove you down the mountain, if you want," Gimli offered. "I'm sure hurling down the side, screaming and scrabbling desperately for a handhold, would be much more exciting than just plain walking."
Legolas looked like he was actually considering the offer, but Aragorn got all wonky and possessive. "Did you just threaten the bane of my existence? The core of my heart? The heater of my bed? Did you?! Did you just express wishes to endanger his life? Did you?!?! Huh? DID YOU?!?!?! ANSWER ME!!!!!"
"Estelly-welly, darling, just let it go."
"He *threatened* you!!!"
"Hmm...indeed, he did! Why, you stinky dwarf!" And the two of them lunged at Gimli together. Sam and Frodo, still in Aragorn's arms, gave frightened yelps.
Dude! We're supposed to be getting off the fucking mountain, remember? The storm's getting worse, the avalanche is starting up again, the wind's setting in, and I really don't wanna get squished between the gayest gay elf *ever* and the nastiest nasty dwarf *EVER*, okay?
"Fine!" Legolas stalked off, miffed.
"Ring..." Aragorn began. Don't even start with me, okay? I have more of a right to bitch than any of you, so just save it. Aragorn shut his mouth, and we began walking down the way we came.
"Hey! I have an idea!" Oh, great. That was Legolas's 'I'm so brillian' tone, meaning he has another crazy-ass suggestion. Yeah, it was in that tone of voice that he suggested making Frodo his puppy. And it was probably also in that tone of voice that he asked Aragorn out for the very first time.
"What is it?" the rest of us asked, some sounding more terrified than others.
"Look at Boromir's large shield."
Boromir immediately got on the defensive. "Ohhhhh no. No. You are not doing anything that involves me or my weaponry. The answer is final. No."
"But it would be so much fun!"
"What is it, exactly," Aragorn asked warily.
"We could toboggan down the side of the mountain in the shield. It is sufficiently spacious, and would make a rather good toboggan, would it not?" he said proudly, happy he came up with such a brilliant idea.
"NO!!!" Boromir clamped his hands firmly around his shield and shook his head violently. "Absolutely not! No way in hell!"
Hey, if it'll make Boromir mad, then I'm all for it. Boromir shook his fist at me, but from our earlier encounter, I knew that he couldn't throw a punch for shit.
"Isn't that a little dangerous? It would kill me if you got hurt, Legolas. It would absolutely break my heart. You don't want to break my heart, do you?" Aragorn asked.
"No, I suppose not." Legolas looked at the shield longingly. "We are almost at the bottom, anyhow."
Gandalf, Boromir, and Gimli all breathed audible sighs of relief. Trust Aragorn to be able to totally manipulate Legolas. I so have to learn how to do that to Frodo. Oh, the possibilities... Anyhow, we reached the entrance of the Mines of Moria without any further kafuffle, and we all sat down for a well-deserved rest by some dirty puddle near the entrance, waiting for Gandalf to open the doors to this new hell.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC