Disclaimers: Same as always, if you need to be reminded, see earlier chapters.
Author's Note: Here's number two of two chapters. Enjoy! :) And remember to REVIEW!
Summary: What would happen if Nynaeve discovered she was pregnant the day before the Last Battle? Will she fight or stay behind?
Rating: PG (will be PG-13 later on)
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NYNAEVE'S DECISION
CHAPTER FIVE -Emotions
by neela
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"Why didn't you say you weren't feeling well?" Lan's voice was just as expressionless as the rest of him.
Nynaeve let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, heart thumping quickly, and her eyes found the floor. It was covered in carpets with many elegant patterns, and she found herself studying one of them; she didn't dare to look at Lan, she would just begin to cry. Time seemed to stand still.
Light! said that little voice in the back of her head. Get a grip on yourself, Nynaeve! He's your husband! The love of your life! How can you not look at him and answer his question?
I- I don't know, she answered nervously.
You know perfectly why, the voice said firmly. You just don't want to admit it, you think it will make you weak and vulnerable.
No.
Yes you do, admit it! It will not be the end of the world if you admit it!
Nynaeve could hear other voices talking in the tent, but they were so far away, it sounded just like a muffled whisper. Her eyes were still trained on the patterns, no, they were drowning in them. All she saw was the shapes and curves in different colours melt together with the background, slowly blurring her eyesight while going around in circles like a hurricane. She felt dizzy and her hand automatically reached up to her head. Her breath was coming in quick intakes. The world seemed to go upside down, and as blackness surrounded her, she heard herself say:
"I'm just so scared." And then she passed out.
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Her eyes grew wide as realisation came to her. A flood of memories flashed through her mind in slow-motion: Min's viewing telling her she was expecting and that it would make the renewing of Malkier possible; Min embracing her as she cried out in sadness but also happiness; Egwene telling about her dreams, indicating that if something happened to her, Malkier would be lost forever; Elayne weaving flows of something she had called Caressing the Child, and finding out she was pregnant with twins, who was both healthy and at least seven weeks old; Lan appearing in the tent entrance, his face and eyes expressionless, staring at her; the hurricane of colours before everything went black; her own voice saying out loud she was scared. The memory of her husband replayed in her head, along with her own voice saying 'I'm just so scared', and she soon found herself crying.
Light, she was scared of Lan! Lan, her own husband! Lan, the man who had taken her heart, who loved her back and couldn't live without her! How could she be scared of him?
And saying it out loud for all the world to hear! Nynaeve wanted to die out of embarrassment and guilt. She buried her face in her hands. How could I be scared of him?! And why do I feel I still am?!
The sobs she had managed to keep inside while in Elayne's tent, finally escaped. Salty tears rolled down her cheeks in streams, and she shut her eyes tightly to make them stop, but it was a wasted try. She threw her arms around her body, holding almost painfully as the sobs tore at her.
If anyone heard her outside, she didn't care. All she wanted was to cry until she had no tears left, even if it could mean to cry her soul out. And she wanted Lan to hold her. She wanted his arms to embrace her tightly; his hands to caress her hair and rubbing her back to soothe her; his lips to place gentle kisses at the top of her head; his soft voice murmuring how much her loved her.
But he wasn't there she was alone in the dimly-lit-up tent and that fact made her only cry harder, and louder. Nynaeve threw herself face-down in the bed, her feet tangling themselves into the bed covers, but she didn't bother to remove them.
Time seemed to pass painfully slow. Apart from her own sobs, there was an utter silence both inside and outside the tent. dinner-time was fast approaching and all of the camps would soon eat around the fires, which many of them -too many to Nynaeve's opinion- were placed just paces away from hers and Lan's tent.
Our tent, she thought sadly and broke into another series of sniffing and crying. Their tent and Lan wasn't even there. He's angry at me... Angry because I didn't tell him about the morning sickness and the fainting. He must have known it all along that I wasn't feeling well. The bed cover beneath her was soaked with tears, but she didn't move to a drier spot. She had discovered she was lying on Lan's side of the bed, and it was like she wanted to show her husband it was his fault she was crying. That he had done this to her.
Nynaeve wanted to curse him, but at the same time she wanted everything to be like they were before Min had told of her viewing. Then she could have figured out she was with child herself and told Lan, and escape all this mess. But she knew she couldn't turn back time, and in the end, her only wish was for her husband to hold her in his safe embrace.
"Oh, Lan," she moaned down in the bed. "Why cant you just be here and hold me? I need you..." Her cries continued as there was no reply, no movement. She buried herself deeper into the bed covers.
Then suddenly she was caught off guard as two strong arms pulled her up from the wet covers and into a tight embrace. She didn't resist; she knew who it was the second she caught the persons scent. Instead Nynaeve cradled herself in the protective arms of the person, her head resting on one shoulder, hands clutching the opposite arms as she continued to cry.
"I'm- I'm so scared, L- Lan." Her voice was weak from sobbing and her body began to tremble heavily. Her husband held her more tightly, his hands beginning to rub her back in comfort.
"Sh..." Lan hushed softly, intending to soothe her. There was no trace in his voice or appearance that he was still angry, but Nynaeve felt tears escape her eyes none the less. She sniffed deeply before speaking again, her voice still trembling but gaining strength.
"I'm s- so afraid of l- losing them, or -or y- you. I- I love you so m- much. I cant live without you." He kissed the top of her head. Suddenly it felt like Lan was shaking, but Nynaeve thought it was just her own imagination. Her husband never let emotion overcome him that much, even though his stone heart had slowly gone softer.
"I," Lan coughed, "I love you too, my heart." And as he spoke those words, Nynaeve realised he actually was shaking!
Her sobs suddenly turned into short hiccups, she pulled back to look at Lan's face, and was amazed and shocked at what she saw.
Lan was staring at the tent wall, obviously not noticing she was looking at him, his ice blue eyes clouded as the result of all the emotion flowing through him, and down his nose she traced the path to one, single tear.
She moved in his arms, drawing his attention, and he looked down at her, warmth and love in his eyes, no trace of anger. She reached out a finger to wipe away his tear, but he caught it in mid-air and pulled it softly down, kissing it gently.
"Please don't." His voice was steady again, Nynaeve noted surprisingly. "Sometimes a man has to let down the defensive walls around his heart and for once be a real man. I must be allowed to feel these tears on my face, as I have never experienced it before." She looked disbelieving at him.
"I have never cried before in my life, Nynaeve, never. I grew up among soldiers and became one of the hardest, and coldest." Another tear ran down his nose, and she held back the urge to wipe that away too. His eyes locked with hers, and she drowned in the ice blue pools of warmth, passion and sadness. She gulped down a gasp, and reached out to stroke his hair in an attempt to stop her from start crying again because of her own sadness.
"You know how I am, my heart. You saw how I was before my love for you grew stronger, and I let worry and all other warm emotions I knew nothing about into my life. I have been cold and hard as long as I can remember, and I know I am still, even though you make me smile and laugh more often. I have been a blind fool to not let those feelings earlier into my life, and now I see it more difficult to do so than if I had been younger." He paused, watching her reaction. She said nothing, she was too shocked. Lan had just revealed things he would never had done before, and what she wanted most was to kiss him, but she knew he wasn't finished, and therefore she waited. Her husband understood, and sent her a warm smile. Nynaeve smiled back, her hand gliding down to his neck and resting there, ready to pull him into a kiss the instant he was finished.
"I am sorry to have caused you fear and tears today, my heart. Do not protest, I know it was I and the way I confronted you in Elayne's tent that is the reason why you have been crying. I am sorry not to have been here the moment you woke up, but I needed to sort out my own feelings."
"And have you?" Nynaeve asked, her voice shaking a bit.
The love of her life looked long at her, then nodded with a small smile.
"My feelings got the better of me, and climbed over the walls around my heart, and I know that they wont stay outside them for long, so therefore I need to do this now."
Nynaeve was about to ask what he needed to do, but she closed her mouth, only to open it slightly, as her beloved husband began to cry. Not sobbing, just tears rolling down his face in thick streams from his watery eyes. She sat up straight, and drew her arms around his neck, determined to comfort Lan as he had done so many times to her. He answered by hugging her back, his body trembling but no sound escaped his mouth except his heavy breathing.
"I am scared too, Nynaeve," Lan murmured into her hair. She felt her own tears start falling. "Terrified. I cannot loose you, or the babes; I will die without you. My love for you is greater than my will to live."
"Oh, Lan!" she cried and buried herself deeper into his neck, unable to say anything else.
Darkness crept over them as the afternoon sky slowly faded into a darkening twilight.
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"Lan?" Nynaeve asked quietly. Their tears had stopped, and now they just laid still in each others arms, comforting. Both were still sad, as the reminders of the following future came back to them. Not a single moment of happiness had been in that tent since Nynaeve was brought there.
"Yes?" Lan replied softly. He had let his emotions climb back over his walls, but Nynaeve noticed he was softer than before, which made her smile inwardly.
She moved in his arms and looked up at him. "You do remember what Rand made us -well me, actually- promise before the march began?"
Lan nodded thoughtfully. "He wanted a last meal with his friends from Emonds Field before the Battle." Then it dawned to him, and he looked surprised at her, even twitching his lips in a smile. "And that meal was at sunset, which would mean at least a few minutes ago." She smiled back at him, but it was a sad smile.
"Love, I just want to forget about the bloody Last Battle for a night, and be happy of bearing our children." Lan traced his finger down her nose, and smiled. It was not a sad smile, it was a happy smile.
"Our children." He began grinning and it made Nynaeve smile too. His hand moved down to her belly and laid there gently, as if he was awaiting a confirmation that there really was a child in there. Both had their eyes at his hand for a few moments, studying it as realisation crept into their minds.
Nynaeve looked up at her husband, now happy because he was happy, and she leaned in, her hands pulling his face closer.
"Our children, Lan." Then she kissed him.
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TO BE CONTINUED
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Author's Note: This chapter almost makes me cry every time I read it. This is what's called "fluff" in the fan fiction world! Please let me know what you think!
!!IMPORTANT!! Do you people want the sequel before I've finished this story, or straight afterwards? I really would like to know! !!IMPORTANT!!