A/N: Sorry, sorry. I know. It's been an *insanely* long time since I last
updated. But you know, I started a new school, and I've been up to my ears
in work, so I never got the time to write. Plus, the damn school is a 1
and a half hour bus ride from my house, which totally eats into my time.
Anyhow, I've worked out sort of a rough writing schedule now. I can't
promise anything, but perhaps the updates won't be so few and far in
between now.
And, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed. You guys really motivate me, you really do.
Disclaimers: I own everything in the LOTR universe!!!!!! Mwahahaha! ( see, that's what I would be saying if I were J.R.R. Tolkein. But I'm not. Go figure.
Chapter 19: Still On a Long Underground Walk ~ ~ ~
We had some peace and quiet for, oh, maybe ten whole minutes. Which, if you look back at the records, is pretty good for this group. But all good things come to an end.
Boromir took it upon himself to get up and announce that the smoking break was over. Which basically translates into "Boromir took it upon himself to get up and start our 472 957 238th group fight."
"Who made you the boss?" Sam challenged, staring up at the man considerably bigger than him. (For once, I found myself rooting for Sam. He was the perfect height to just can that dirty old bastard.)
"I think I have plenty of right to leadership decisions. After all, if a mere Ranger such as Aragorn can lead us, then I can too."
Legolas immediately got up from Aragorn's lap. "Excuse me? That is no *mere* Ranger! Firstly, he is the BEST Ranger this land has ever seen. Secondly, he is also your KING. And thirdly, he possesses more masculinity than you could ever hope to imagine, and I daresay that your 'Horn of Gondor' is not nearly as impressive as---"
Once he got going, there was only one possible way to shut him up; Aragorn quickly crushed his mouth over the elf's. But not before the damage was done.
"What does he mean, I wonder, about the size of his Horn of Gondor?" Pippin asked Merry.
Merry said back, in that stage-whisper the hobbits used, so that everyone could hear, "You silly twit, he means his peewee. His Little Boromir. His family jewels?"
Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! My ears!!!!!!! My virgin ears!!!!!!! My poor, traumatized soul!!!!!!!!!!!! I really don't need to here Merry talking about Boromir's twiddly bits, if ya know what I mean. Goddammit, I think I'm gonna be sick!!!
"Oh come off it, Ring. As though you don't like it," Boromir said indignantly.
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!!!!! Oh, gods, strike me down and kill me, if only to spare me from all this!!!!!
Frodo rubbed his temples. He got up from his rock, and walked to the edge of some crevasse. "All I wanted was a moment's peace," he sighed. "I never thought the day would come that I would seriously contemplate jumping off this ledge and be done with it."
Hey, you and me both, pal. Boromir. Christ. ::shudder::
Suddenly, Frodo grabbed me. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. "Look, Ring!" he gasped. "Something is moving!"
I looked, and there he was. Gollum. My ex. Well, doesn't this freakshow adventure just keep getting better and better. The slimy little creature (sadly, I'm not even exaggerating this description of him) was crawling around, hiding in shadows and running back and forth like no one could see him. Like his wet skin wasn't reflecting light and making him as obvious as a neon-signpost in the middle of the road.
Frodo ran to Gandalf and told him about Gollum. "Why is he back?"
Gandalf nodded sagely. "He has been following us for the past three days. He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He'll never be rid of his need for the Ring."
Well, what can I say, I said modestly. I'm like a narcotic. Everyone waaaaants me, my love is like a drug.
Gandalf and Frodo both rolled their eyes, even though it was *TRUE*.
"It's a pity that Bilbo did not kill him when he had the chance..."
Oh my god, this is like a freaky soap opera gone mad! Three of my love interests are converging into one conversation!
Gandalf muttered something I deigned not to hear, and said in his 'wise' voice, "Some that die deserve to live. Many that live deserve to die---" here, he shot Merry and Pippin the tiniest of looks, but I caught it. He then continued his long speech.
Frodo looked very depressed after it. Legolas glared at Gandalf for making Frodo all sad, and Gandalf quickly said "But you know, evil isn't the only force at work. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and therefore you were too."
See!!! Even Gandalf says so! We were meant to be, Frodo! Meant to be!!!!!! So maybe we should just forget about this whole mission to kill me thing and go and live happily ever after. I shot Gandalf a look. Feel free to help me anytime, you evil old bag.
"Right. The Ring may even have to potential to become good!"
The Ring may even be NOT EVIL!!!
Frodo shook his head. "No, I shall see my duties to the fullest and make sure the Ring's powers are put to rest forever."
There *ARE* no powers!!!!!!!!!! I practically sobbed.
"Um..." Gandalf looked around awkwardly. "Oh look! I know which way we should go!"
Everyone brightened up quickly. "He remembered!" Gimli said, happy to be out of here before he got dragged into another catfight with Legolas.
"No, the air just smells less foul this way."
Everyone got up to follow Gandalf, but then I was hit with an epiphany.
Hey, wait a minute! If we're going to some dwarf centre, shouldn't the air smell fouler? All that dwarf stench and stuff?
Everyone stopped. Legolas stared at me. "Good point!!! Excellent thinking, dear Ring! We should be going in the *other* direction."
Gimli looked like he would burst, or perhaps massacre us all. But then Gandalf agreed with me too, so we all went the other way. Excuse me if I was kinda brutal, but the truth is the truth, right? Dwarves stink.
It turns out, I was right. The dwarf city was in the opposite direction. Ha! In your face, Gimli, you can't deny it now!!! Anyhow, yes. Dwarrowdelf. Gandalf cranked up his wizard light a couple of notches, and the gloom was lifted. Everyone was duly impressed. The place was huuuuuuuuuuuge. Fancy stone pillars, high ceilings, the whole shebang. Yep, it was one underground feat of engineering. We all gaped, and Gimli looked much too smug for my liking.
And then he went apeshit.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Hey, by the by, here's a little tip. I'm probably going to be updating at all sorts of inopportune times, so if you're seriously following this story, 1) I love you! and 2) either put me on your favourites lead or check back very frequently.
And, a great big THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed. You guys really motivate me, you really do.
Disclaimers: I own everything in the LOTR universe!!!!!! Mwahahaha! ( see, that's what I would be saying if I were J.R.R. Tolkein. But I'm not. Go figure.
Chapter 19: Still On a Long Underground Walk ~ ~ ~
We had some peace and quiet for, oh, maybe ten whole minutes. Which, if you look back at the records, is pretty good for this group. But all good things come to an end.
Boromir took it upon himself to get up and announce that the smoking break was over. Which basically translates into "Boromir took it upon himself to get up and start our 472 957 238th group fight."
"Who made you the boss?" Sam challenged, staring up at the man considerably bigger than him. (For once, I found myself rooting for Sam. He was the perfect height to just can that dirty old bastard.)
"I think I have plenty of right to leadership decisions. After all, if a mere Ranger such as Aragorn can lead us, then I can too."
Legolas immediately got up from Aragorn's lap. "Excuse me? That is no *mere* Ranger! Firstly, he is the BEST Ranger this land has ever seen. Secondly, he is also your KING. And thirdly, he possesses more masculinity than you could ever hope to imagine, and I daresay that your 'Horn of Gondor' is not nearly as impressive as---"
Once he got going, there was only one possible way to shut him up; Aragorn quickly crushed his mouth over the elf's. But not before the damage was done.
"What does he mean, I wonder, about the size of his Horn of Gondor?" Pippin asked Merry.
Merry said back, in that stage-whisper the hobbits used, so that everyone could hear, "You silly twit, he means his peewee. His Little Boromir. His family jewels?"
Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! My ears!!!!!!! My virgin ears!!!!!!! My poor, traumatized soul!!!!!!!!!!!! I really don't need to here Merry talking about Boromir's twiddly bits, if ya know what I mean. Goddammit, I think I'm gonna be sick!!!
"Oh come off it, Ring. As though you don't like it," Boromir said indignantly.
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!!!!! Oh, gods, strike me down and kill me, if only to spare me from all this!!!!!
Frodo rubbed his temples. He got up from his rock, and walked to the edge of some crevasse. "All I wanted was a moment's peace," he sighed. "I never thought the day would come that I would seriously contemplate jumping off this ledge and be done with it."
Hey, you and me both, pal. Boromir. Christ. ::shudder::
Suddenly, Frodo grabbed me. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. "Look, Ring!" he gasped. "Something is moving!"
I looked, and there he was. Gollum. My ex. Well, doesn't this freakshow adventure just keep getting better and better. The slimy little creature (sadly, I'm not even exaggerating this description of him) was crawling around, hiding in shadows and running back and forth like no one could see him. Like his wet skin wasn't reflecting light and making him as obvious as a neon-signpost in the middle of the road.
Frodo ran to Gandalf and told him about Gollum. "Why is he back?"
Gandalf nodded sagely. "He has been following us for the past three days. He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He'll never be rid of his need for the Ring."
Well, what can I say, I said modestly. I'm like a narcotic. Everyone waaaaants me, my love is like a drug.
Gandalf and Frodo both rolled their eyes, even though it was *TRUE*.
"It's a pity that Bilbo did not kill him when he had the chance..."
Oh my god, this is like a freaky soap opera gone mad! Three of my love interests are converging into one conversation!
Gandalf muttered something I deigned not to hear, and said in his 'wise' voice, "Some that die deserve to live. Many that live deserve to die---" here, he shot Merry and Pippin the tiniest of looks, but I caught it. He then continued his long speech.
Frodo looked very depressed after it. Legolas glared at Gandalf for making Frodo all sad, and Gandalf quickly said "But you know, evil isn't the only force at work. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, and therefore you were too."
See!!! Even Gandalf says so! We were meant to be, Frodo! Meant to be!!!!!! So maybe we should just forget about this whole mission to kill me thing and go and live happily ever after. I shot Gandalf a look. Feel free to help me anytime, you evil old bag.
"Right. The Ring may even have to potential to become good!"
The Ring may even be NOT EVIL!!!
Frodo shook his head. "No, I shall see my duties to the fullest and make sure the Ring's powers are put to rest forever."
There *ARE* no powers!!!!!!!!!! I practically sobbed.
"Um..." Gandalf looked around awkwardly. "Oh look! I know which way we should go!"
Everyone brightened up quickly. "He remembered!" Gimli said, happy to be out of here before he got dragged into another catfight with Legolas.
"No, the air just smells less foul this way."
Everyone got up to follow Gandalf, but then I was hit with an epiphany.
Hey, wait a minute! If we're going to some dwarf centre, shouldn't the air smell fouler? All that dwarf stench and stuff?
Everyone stopped. Legolas stared at me. "Good point!!! Excellent thinking, dear Ring! We should be going in the *other* direction."
Gimli looked like he would burst, or perhaps massacre us all. But then Gandalf agreed with me too, so we all went the other way. Excuse me if I was kinda brutal, but the truth is the truth, right? Dwarves stink.
It turns out, I was right. The dwarf city was in the opposite direction. Ha! In your face, Gimli, you can't deny it now!!! Anyhow, yes. Dwarrowdelf. Gandalf cranked up his wizard light a couple of notches, and the gloom was lifted. Everyone was duly impressed. The place was huuuuuuuuuuuge. Fancy stone pillars, high ceilings, the whole shebang. Yep, it was one underground feat of engineering. We all gaped, and Gimli looked much too smug for my liking.
And then he went apeshit.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Hey, by the by, here's a little tip. I'm probably going to be updating at all sorts of inopportune times, so if you're seriously following this story, 1) I love you! and 2) either put me on your favourites lead or check back very frequently.