A/N: Okay. Alright. Here's the deal. I take time out of my very busy
schedule (and you better *believe* that my schedule is very busy) to bring
you another installment of these delightful adventures, and you take ten
seconds to REVIEW. Is that so hard? Do you find that unfair to you??? If
not, then why the fuck aren't more people doing it?!?!?!
Disclaimers: The second I transmogrify into J.R.R. Tolkein, I'll let you know.
Chapter 20: Just Before the Underground Fight ~ ~ ~
Gimli ran (waddled) into an adjoining room, screaming and sobbing and wailing about something or another. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" he cried, falling onto his knees in front of a slab of stone. "NOOOOOOO!!!!! Not Cousin Balin!!!!!!!! You can't be dead, dearest cousin, you just can't be!!!!!!!!!! You're not!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, yes he his. Or else will be shortly, because there can't be too much oxygen in that tomb-type thingy there.
Legolas frowned. "Even I find that to be a bit too harsh, Evil Ring..."
"NO! MY COUSIN!!!!!!!!!! There will never be another dwarf like you, Balin! Never!!! No one can equal your skill and daring, and no one is as good at the art of dwarf-loving!"
Eeeeuuuuggghhhhh, nasty!!! You red-neck creep, banging your cousin! That is just the most disgusting thing ever---not only two dwarves naked, but too dwarves naked and *related*. That is, like, a whole new level of 'so gross I wanna rip my eyes out'.
Gimli sniffed. "It wasn't like that! Any sex we had was purely platonic, done out of brotherly love."
Even Legolas looked nauseated by this. And me? If I had legs, I would have been out of there hours ago.
"Well, then," Gandalf said, shaking the appalled look off his face. "I think we've heard enough about Neanderthal dwarf practices to last us several life times." He pushed his way out of the group to stand near Gimli. "Come now, look. I found a big book. I do believe it's the Official Dwarf Records." He opened it up and began to read from it.
Great, just what I want to here all about. How dwarves spend their days. Dear Diary, today, I smelled bad and fucked my cousin.
Gandalf cleared his throat, and started a long and dramatic entry, detailing the attack that left everyone dead. It consisted mostly of "THEY'RE COMING!!!!!!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HIIIIIIIILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" so I tuned out pretty quickly. Instead, I looked around the chamber. Isn't it strange how your brain ignores things once you become used to them? Like, I'm so used to seeing dead dwarf skeletons everywhere now, they've become part of the average landscape. And my brain just glosses over them, like I don't really see them. I think it would actually feel strange to walk into a skeleton-less room; I'd feel like something was missing. Funny how that is.
"They are coming..." Gandalf finished with that ominous, theatrical voice he was so good at. You know, the one he uses when he tells people that I have the power to rain evil upon the world? Yeah, that one. I felt Frodo shudder, and I looked and saw that everyone looked terrified. Even the O Great Fearless Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, looked a little worried. So perhaps I should be?
Suddenly, a loud, crackling, sharp noise came from the back of the room, and everyone whipped their heads around. Whoa, tense, are we? It was only Pippin, who had sent a dwarf skeleton crashing and jingling, armour and all, down a well that was at least 200 metres deep. Hmm. Good going, Pippin. Try for the stealth approach when dealing with monsters who wiped out a whole entire cousin-fucking clan of dwarves.
Gandalf swore creatively, and then said "Fool of a Took! What have you done now?"
Desecrated the dead? Disrespected a vengeful spirit? Pissed off Gimli? Awoken freaky monsters?
Legolas paled. He must have paled a lot for me to have noticed, because his normal complexion is already pretty white. "We should not linger here," he whispered, turning wide eyes to Aragorn.
A deep rumbling shook the room. Like, literally *shook* the room, like thunder from the deepest depths of hell. You could feel it, hear it, and even taste it. See, guys? This is what true evil is like, NOT ME.
Everyone conveniently ignored me. "Something's coming," Sam pointed out unnecessarily.
Aragorn sent Boromir to check it out, adding "and I hope you don't come back" under his breath, for effect. Legolas and I couldn't help but smile at that, but Merry and Pippin were all worried for his safety. Good god, what did he do to those little things to make them fancy him?
Boromir sidled up against a pillar, Mission:Impossible spy style, and immediately two arrows whizzed by, landing just millimeters from his face. Better luck next time, I wished the archer.
Meanwhile, Legolas's eyes lit up. "Oooh, arrows!" he squealed.
"Baby-love, arrows are only good when they're being shot *from* us, not against us," Aragorn explained carefully.
That's right. And axes are definitely only good when they're being thrown *from* us, and not at us. And orcs are most definitely never good when they're attacking us. Boromir ran back into the room, and slammed the door shut. "Danger," he announced. Must we all be painfully obvious today?
Strider the Heroic Ranger immediately herded all of the tiny hobbits into the back of the room, along with Gandalf. He put Gimli and Boromir near the front (so they'll get shot first), and he situated himself in front of his precious elf. We could hear the small army of orcs getting closer and closer, and the atmosphere was getting pretty nerve-racking in there. Fucking Christ, we were all gonna die before we saw daylight again.
"If anyone has a battle plan, now would be the time to speak up," Aragorn suggested.
We could always rush them and take down as many as we can before they slaughter us, I said brightly.
Gimli, obviously displeased with the idea, yelled, "Are you on drugs?!?!"
No, but I wouldn't say no to some right now, if you've got any.
Frodo shushed me. "Legolas needs to concentrate," he said, pointing to said elf-wonder-boy, who was placing his freakishly accurate aim with his bow and arrow. He was eyeing a little tiny hole in the door. You hush, I said to Frodo.
We go into a whispered 'you!' 'no, you!' fight, and Aragorn turned around and shushed both of us. The time had come.
Disclaimers: The second I transmogrify into J.R.R. Tolkein, I'll let you know.
Chapter 20: Just Before the Underground Fight ~ ~ ~
Gimli ran (waddled) into an adjoining room, screaming and sobbing and wailing about something or another. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" he cried, falling onto his knees in front of a slab of stone. "NOOOOOOO!!!!! Not Cousin Balin!!!!!!!! You can't be dead, dearest cousin, you just can't be!!!!!!!!!! You're not!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, yes he his. Or else will be shortly, because there can't be too much oxygen in that tomb-type thingy there.
Legolas frowned. "Even I find that to be a bit too harsh, Evil Ring..."
"NO! MY COUSIN!!!!!!!!!! There will never be another dwarf like you, Balin! Never!!! No one can equal your skill and daring, and no one is as good at the art of dwarf-loving!"
Eeeeuuuuggghhhhh, nasty!!! You red-neck creep, banging your cousin! That is just the most disgusting thing ever---not only two dwarves naked, but too dwarves naked and *related*. That is, like, a whole new level of 'so gross I wanna rip my eyes out'.
Gimli sniffed. "It wasn't like that! Any sex we had was purely platonic, done out of brotherly love."
Even Legolas looked nauseated by this. And me? If I had legs, I would have been out of there hours ago.
"Well, then," Gandalf said, shaking the appalled look off his face. "I think we've heard enough about Neanderthal dwarf practices to last us several life times." He pushed his way out of the group to stand near Gimli. "Come now, look. I found a big book. I do believe it's the Official Dwarf Records." He opened it up and began to read from it.
Great, just what I want to here all about. How dwarves spend their days. Dear Diary, today, I smelled bad and fucked my cousin.
Gandalf cleared his throat, and started a long and dramatic entry, detailing the attack that left everyone dead. It consisted mostly of "THEY'RE COMING!!!!!!!!!!! RUN FOR THE HIIIIIIIILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" so I tuned out pretty quickly. Instead, I looked around the chamber. Isn't it strange how your brain ignores things once you become used to them? Like, I'm so used to seeing dead dwarf skeletons everywhere now, they've become part of the average landscape. And my brain just glosses over them, like I don't really see them. I think it would actually feel strange to walk into a skeleton-less room; I'd feel like something was missing. Funny how that is.
"They are coming..." Gandalf finished with that ominous, theatrical voice he was so good at. You know, the one he uses when he tells people that I have the power to rain evil upon the world? Yeah, that one. I felt Frodo shudder, and I looked and saw that everyone looked terrified. Even the O Great Fearless Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, looked a little worried. So perhaps I should be?
Suddenly, a loud, crackling, sharp noise came from the back of the room, and everyone whipped their heads around. Whoa, tense, are we? It was only Pippin, who had sent a dwarf skeleton crashing and jingling, armour and all, down a well that was at least 200 metres deep. Hmm. Good going, Pippin. Try for the stealth approach when dealing with monsters who wiped out a whole entire cousin-fucking clan of dwarves.
Gandalf swore creatively, and then said "Fool of a Took! What have you done now?"
Desecrated the dead? Disrespected a vengeful spirit? Pissed off Gimli? Awoken freaky monsters?
Legolas paled. He must have paled a lot for me to have noticed, because his normal complexion is already pretty white. "We should not linger here," he whispered, turning wide eyes to Aragorn.
A deep rumbling shook the room. Like, literally *shook* the room, like thunder from the deepest depths of hell. You could feel it, hear it, and even taste it. See, guys? This is what true evil is like, NOT ME.
Everyone conveniently ignored me. "Something's coming," Sam pointed out unnecessarily.
Aragorn sent Boromir to check it out, adding "and I hope you don't come back" under his breath, for effect. Legolas and I couldn't help but smile at that, but Merry and Pippin were all worried for his safety. Good god, what did he do to those little things to make them fancy him?
Boromir sidled up against a pillar, Mission:Impossible spy style, and immediately two arrows whizzed by, landing just millimeters from his face. Better luck next time, I wished the archer.
Meanwhile, Legolas's eyes lit up. "Oooh, arrows!" he squealed.
"Baby-love, arrows are only good when they're being shot *from* us, not against us," Aragorn explained carefully.
That's right. And axes are definitely only good when they're being thrown *from* us, and not at us. And orcs are most definitely never good when they're attacking us. Boromir ran back into the room, and slammed the door shut. "Danger," he announced. Must we all be painfully obvious today?
Strider the Heroic Ranger immediately herded all of the tiny hobbits into the back of the room, along with Gandalf. He put Gimli and Boromir near the front (so they'll get shot first), and he situated himself in front of his precious elf. We could hear the small army of orcs getting closer and closer, and the atmosphere was getting pretty nerve-racking in there. Fucking Christ, we were all gonna die before we saw daylight again.
"If anyone has a battle plan, now would be the time to speak up," Aragorn suggested.
We could always rush them and take down as many as we can before they slaughter us, I said brightly.
Gimli, obviously displeased with the idea, yelled, "Are you on drugs?!?!"
No, but I wouldn't say no to some right now, if you've got any.
Frodo shushed me. "Legolas needs to concentrate," he said, pointing to said elf-wonder-boy, who was placing his freakishly accurate aim with his bow and arrow. He was eyeing a little tiny hole in the door. You hush, I said to Frodo.
We go into a whispered 'you!' 'no, you!' fight, and Aragorn turned around and shushed both of us. The time had come.