A/N: ::makes the usual excuses about SCHOOL:: That place is evil, I tell
you. Exams and assignments and projects and stupid teachers who delight in
your pain. Curse them all!!! Curse them all to HEL!!!!!!!!!!! Hey, it's
my author's notes, I can say whatever the hell I want, right? I noticed
that some beloved readers asked me questions, so I suppose I'll answer them
now. Yes, the story is moving slowly. So? I feel like it. Some other
parts are gonna get glossed over quickly, so it'll all balance out. And
yes, I reread LOTR every time I write a new chapter---not the whole book,
but just the scene I'm doing. And every now and then I'll re-watch a scene
from the movie to see if anyone says a line I can make fun of. And no,
there is nothing on this Earth that I can't make sound exceedingly dirty.
Disclaimers: See LOTR. See author. See no connection whatsoever. See Tolkein estate lawyers back away without making a fuss.
Chapter 21: Big Fight Scene ~ ~ ~
The next minute was all very tense. There was silence, and everyone was standing stock-still. Then, all of a sudden, there's this huge loud rumbling, and the ground vibrated with the scraping and scrabbling of many, many feet.
"Oh shit," Aragorn whispered.
Lovely. If the resident he-man is scared, then there's pretty much no hope for the rest of us, right?
Aragorn and Boromir quickly ran up to the door and started blockading it with whatever they could grab. Like that's gonna help. Still, when you're desperate, you'll do anything that might give you an edge. Legolas moved to help. That scrawny little wisp of a boytoy is stronger than he looks. He effortlessly picked up an axe with one hand, and threw it to Boromir. Or perhaps *at* Boromir...I'm still undecided over the matter. Regardless, Boromir caught it, and barred the door with it.
By the time Aragorn and Boromir ran back to stand in front of the group, the orcs were almost at the door. The next few moments were a bit of a blur, but the general gist of it involves lots of manly grunting and thrusting of swords, and arrows whizzing around. Everyone got ready to fight, even old Gandalf and the tiny hobbits. I wasn't much help though, since I had no hands, no powers, no weapons, and no damn idea which side I was supposed to be fighting for. Like, there's the orcs, who work for my master who loves me and would never hurl me into a volcano. But my master's gone kind of nuts ever since he got impaled by Aragorn's great- great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-grandfather. Besides, I still kinda wanted to get with Frodo, and I couldn't do that if the orcs killed him. ::sigh:: Decisions, decisions.
While I was busy deciding, the doors broke down and the fighting broke out in earnest. A giant beast thing crashed into the room, lead by this ugly twisted thing (oh, it was an orc) via a collar and chain. It towered several feet over us, roaring and flailing its arms menacingly.
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir screamed as the monster took a swing at us.
No shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam got all excited, bodily shoving Frodo against a pillar to "protect" him. My ass. Sam, you fucker, hands off the goods! Sam shot me/Frodo's chest a dirty look, but went away.
The whole fight was just basically one big free-for-all. Random hacking and thwacking, and lots of running around screaming. Frodo made the wise decision of hiding us in a corner and letting everyone else do the dirty work. Legolas and Aragorn both looked like they were enjoying it a tad too much, though. Really, did Legolas have to nance around going "hee!" and laughing with joy? Like, I know the elf likes arrows and shooting them, but the whole "This is fun!!!" attitude was too much. And how *does* one manage to still look like a pretty princess while straddling a cave troll's head?
There was a shift in the fight as more orc troops (if the undisciplined thrashings of broken garden gnomes can be called "troops") arrived. The cave troll was left in favour of orc-stabbing, which was a really bad idea. It got bored, and found Frodo and me.
Thus started a long and twisted game of cat-and-mouse. And I thought *yesterday* was a weird day. Today, I get to run around a big stone pillar with a gigantic ball of flab drooling after me. Whee. Fun. Frodo did some fancy manoeuvering, but it just got the troll all frisky. It swatted us out into the open, and STABBED US.
Holy fucking shit. No you didn't. You did not just STAB me. My father (or maker, really, but I'm on a rampage here) will have you killed. If there is even one tiny little scratch on my delectably perfect surface, there will be hell to pay, you ass-ugly barbarian. I cannot believe you just tried to skewer Frodo and me---oh, yeah. Frodo? You alright?
The sweet little hobbit didn't answer. Fuck. Frodo?!?!
Everyone turned at my slightly panicked tone. They fervently killed what orcs remained, and then Legolas finally does his whole big-game hunter thing and nails the motherfucker in the head. The cave troll toppled, nearly squishing Merry and Pippin (damn, so close!). Right, Legolas. Take it down with one arrow *after* it stabs us. Excellent timing.
Aragorn dragged his eyes over his elfei-welfie, giving Legolas a quick once- over to make sure he was okay. Then, he scrambled over to us, Frodo still lying prone on the ground. I wasn't that worried anymore, because I had slid over his chest, closer to his heart, and it was still beating. I figured if there was no blood a pulse was present, he probably just passed out from shock or something. Of course no one listened to me when I tried to point this out. They were halfway in mourning already, all "No, Frodo, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" And of course, it was all about Frodo. Nobody bothered to check if *I* was okay. Hmphf.
Aragorn reached over to grasp Frodo's shoulder. His eyes fluttered open.
"He lives!" Aragorn gasped.
I told you so! But would you believe me? Nooooooo. You didn't even listen long enough to hear what I was saying.
"Shut up, Ring," he said, but almost good-naturedly. Yes, sharing a death- defying experience does that to you, makes you feel almost brotherly towards the people you shared it with. Well, maybe not Gimli. But everyone else, there was this sort of bond that wasn't there before.
"You should be dead!" Aragorn continued, in wonder.
Thank you, Strider. Thank you for that sentiment. I think Gimli should be dead too, but we can't always have what we want, now can we?
"No! I mean, Frodo, that would've skewered a wild boar! How did you survive that?"
Frodo looked up blearily. Aragorn reached into the hobbit's shirt.
Ho! Stop right there, Ranger boy! Aren't you happily attached to not one, but two lovely elves? Leave the hobbit to me!
Aragorn rolled his eyes, grasping Frodo's collar to reveal shiny armour. Oh.
"It's Mithril!" Gimli gasped. "The finest chain mail ever made!"
Everyone looked muchly impressed. By the fact that Frodo had chain mail on. It's not like he made it...he didn't even buy it! His uncle gave it to him, and told him to put it on. It's not like he survived by deflecting the spear with his bare chest. Come on! *I* had no Mithril on, and I'm still alive! Does anyone care?!?!?!
They all ignored me. Before I could complain some more, though, a distant rumbling started up again. Aw, fuck, not more! There is no way in hell we can survive another one of those attacks.
Gandalf agreed. He straightened his pointy hat in a business-like way, holding up his wizard light-on-a-stick. "To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!!!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
PS- Hey, since my big exam period is over, I shan't be busy for a little while. You can look forward to more regular updates from yours truly. Ooh, and don't forget to review!
Disclaimers: See LOTR. See author. See no connection whatsoever. See Tolkein estate lawyers back away without making a fuss.
Chapter 21: Big Fight Scene ~ ~ ~
The next minute was all very tense. There was silence, and everyone was standing stock-still. Then, all of a sudden, there's this huge loud rumbling, and the ground vibrated with the scraping and scrabbling of many, many feet.
"Oh shit," Aragorn whispered.
Lovely. If the resident he-man is scared, then there's pretty much no hope for the rest of us, right?
Aragorn and Boromir quickly ran up to the door and started blockading it with whatever they could grab. Like that's gonna help. Still, when you're desperate, you'll do anything that might give you an edge. Legolas moved to help. That scrawny little wisp of a boytoy is stronger than he looks. He effortlessly picked up an axe with one hand, and threw it to Boromir. Or perhaps *at* Boromir...I'm still undecided over the matter. Regardless, Boromir caught it, and barred the door with it.
By the time Aragorn and Boromir ran back to stand in front of the group, the orcs were almost at the door. The next few moments were a bit of a blur, but the general gist of it involves lots of manly grunting and thrusting of swords, and arrows whizzing around. Everyone got ready to fight, even old Gandalf and the tiny hobbits. I wasn't much help though, since I had no hands, no powers, no weapons, and no damn idea which side I was supposed to be fighting for. Like, there's the orcs, who work for my master who loves me and would never hurl me into a volcano. But my master's gone kind of nuts ever since he got impaled by Aragorn's great- great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-grandfather. Besides, I still kinda wanted to get with Frodo, and I couldn't do that if the orcs killed him. ::sigh:: Decisions, decisions.
While I was busy deciding, the doors broke down and the fighting broke out in earnest. A giant beast thing crashed into the room, lead by this ugly twisted thing (oh, it was an orc) via a collar and chain. It towered several feet over us, roaring and flailing its arms menacingly.
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir screamed as the monster took a swing at us.
No shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam got all excited, bodily shoving Frodo against a pillar to "protect" him. My ass. Sam, you fucker, hands off the goods! Sam shot me/Frodo's chest a dirty look, but went away.
The whole fight was just basically one big free-for-all. Random hacking and thwacking, and lots of running around screaming. Frodo made the wise decision of hiding us in a corner and letting everyone else do the dirty work. Legolas and Aragorn both looked like they were enjoying it a tad too much, though. Really, did Legolas have to nance around going "hee!" and laughing with joy? Like, I know the elf likes arrows and shooting them, but the whole "This is fun!!!" attitude was too much. And how *does* one manage to still look like a pretty princess while straddling a cave troll's head?
There was a shift in the fight as more orc troops (if the undisciplined thrashings of broken garden gnomes can be called "troops") arrived. The cave troll was left in favour of orc-stabbing, which was a really bad idea. It got bored, and found Frodo and me.
Thus started a long and twisted game of cat-and-mouse. And I thought *yesterday* was a weird day. Today, I get to run around a big stone pillar with a gigantic ball of flab drooling after me. Whee. Fun. Frodo did some fancy manoeuvering, but it just got the troll all frisky. It swatted us out into the open, and STABBED US.
Holy fucking shit. No you didn't. You did not just STAB me. My father (or maker, really, but I'm on a rampage here) will have you killed. If there is even one tiny little scratch on my delectably perfect surface, there will be hell to pay, you ass-ugly barbarian. I cannot believe you just tried to skewer Frodo and me---oh, yeah. Frodo? You alright?
The sweet little hobbit didn't answer. Fuck. Frodo?!?!
Everyone turned at my slightly panicked tone. They fervently killed what orcs remained, and then Legolas finally does his whole big-game hunter thing and nails the motherfucker in the head. The cave troll toppled, nearly squishing Merry and Pippin (damn, so close!). Right, Legolas. Take it down with one arrow *after* it stabs us. Excellent timing.
Aragorn dragged his eyes over his elfei-welfie, giving Legolas a quick once- over to make sure he was okay. Then, he scrambled over to us, Frodo still lying prone on the ground. I wasn't that worried anymore, because I had slid over his chest, closer to his heart, and it was still beating. I figured if there was no blood a pulse was present, he probably just passed out from shock or something. Of course no one listened to me when I tried to point this out. They were halfway in mourning already, all "No, Frodo, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" And of course, it was all about Frodo. Nobody bothered to check if *I* was okay. Hmphf.
Aragorn reached over to grasp Frodo's shoulder. His eyes fluttered open.
"He lives!" Aragorn gasped.
I told you so! But would you believe me? Nooooooo. You didn't even listen long enough to hear what I was saying.
"Shut up, Ring," he said, but almost good-naturedly. Yes, sharing a death- defying experience does that to you, makes you feel almost brotherly towards the people you shared it with. Well, maybe not Gimli. But everyone else, there was this sort of bond that wasn't there before.
"You should be dead!" Aragorn continued, in wonder.
Thank you, Strider. Thank you for that sentiment. I think Gimli should be dead too, but we can't always have what we want, now can we?
"No! I mean, Frodo, that would've skewered a wild boar! How did you survive that?"
Frodo looked up blearily. Aragorn reached into the hobbit's shirt.
Ho! Stop right there, Ranger boy! Aren't you happily attached to not one, but two lovely elves? Leave the hobbit to me!
Aragorn rolled his eyes, grasping Frodo's collar to reveal shiny armour. Oh.
"It's Mithril!" Gimli gasped. "The finest chain mail ever made!"
Everyone looked muchly impressed. By the fact that Frodo had chain mail on. It's not like he made it...he didn't even buy it! His uncle gave it to him, and told him to put it on. It's not like he survived by deflecting the spear with his bare chest. Come on! *I* had no Mithril on, and I'm still alive! Does anyone care?!?!?!
They all ignored me. Before I could complain some more, though, a distant rumbling started up again. Aw, fuck, not more! There is no way in hell we can survive another one of those attacks.
Gandalf agreed. He straightened his pointy hat in a business-like way, holding up his wizard light-on-a-stick. "To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!!!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
PS- Hey, since my big exam period is over, I shan't be busy for a little while. You can look forward to more regular updates from yours truly. Ooh, and don't forget to review!