A/N: I may've said something in passing about regular reviews. ...Yeah.
Sorry about that, everyone, but I was jumped by a sudden bout of busy-ness.
I'm back, though, with promises for *consecutive weeks* with updates.
Haven't seen those for a while, eh? But hey, 'tis the season. Consider it
a gift from yours truly.
Special Shoutout: To Chaosti, for always sticking with this. Thanks a million for the reviews---they always bring a smile. And I didn't notice until now, but you're from way back in my "Q & A" days! Hello!
Disclaimers: Ohh yeah, I'm so brave, so daring. Watch me! Look, ma, no disclaimer!
Chapter 22: In Between the Fight and Something More Exciting ~ ~ ~
Alright, "to the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!!!" may *sound* like a good plan, but in practice, it was a liiiiiiiiiittle less clear-cute. The inside of a dwarf mine is like a demented labyrinth from architecture hell, okay? Beautiful, ornate, and abso-fucking-lutely senseless. We ran helter- skelter through like five billion hallways, and up some stairs, down some stairs, through secret passages, into rooms, out of rooms---Gandalf, dude, please. Do you even know where the bridge is?
"Actually," he panted as we ran, "Gimli knows this place better than I do, so we are technically following his instructions."
Wait, wait, hold up. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
"I said, we are technically following Gim---"
I heard you the first time! Although I wish I hadn't!!! Dammit, we're following that half-brained disgrace to noble dwarves everywhere? He's probably leading us to the nearest rotting food source or something! How the hell do you know we're going the right way?!?! We could be running *away* from the bridge, for all anyone knows. This is insane! This is stupid!!!
"Ring," Legolas said grimly, not winded at all from all the running. "If I am willing to take the chance, I am dragging everybody with me. Including you."
Oh great, the Ranger's fucktoy all of a sudden decides to go from the considerate one to the "If I have to die, so does everyone else" one.
"I hate to interrupt this...delightful conversation," Frodo said, not seeming to hate it at all, "but do you hear rumbling?"
Aragorn and Boromir twisted around. And swallowed audibly. "Don't look now, but there are swarms of orcs closing in on us from every direction," Boromir said. We all looked.
Oh fuck.
I didn't even know there were that many living things on this planet. There were literally tens of thousands of those twitchy little varmints, covering everything like flies at a picnic. They screeched and hollered and drooled. And we were surrounded by them. They crowded us into a small circle, our backs to each other so that we could face them on all sides. Y'know, musk oxen go into this defensive position too...right before they get EATEN BY WOLVES.
"I feel I speak for everyone here when I say shut the hell up, Ring," Aragorn said, losing his stoic cool. He quickly regained it, and drew his sword. Legolas drew an arrow. I looked around at the gazillions of orcs surrounding us. Oh yeah, Legolas, that's really gonna help. He spared a second to roll his eyes at me.
I could feel everyone shaking, all of us about to piss ourselves. Well, all of us except Legolas. His shaking was of a different kind, more of a gleeful, excited shaking, because yay, yet another opportunity for him to inflict violence with his arrows. Joy.
"Everyone?"
We all turned towards Pippin to shush him. But he simply pointed in the direction of another one of those huge corridors. "What's that?"
There was a bright, devilish light, getting bigger and bigger like some giant flaming creature was coming closer. Unless Sauron suddenly learned my handy trick of rolling around freely, we are in deep shit.
"We'd be in deep shit anyway, if it were Sauron," Boromir grumbled.
Well, excuuuuuse me for siding with my creator and the one guy who doesn't want to kill me.
"Now, now children," Aragorn admonished sarcastically. "I believe the current situation calls for more of our attention."
The glowing light drew even closer, and all the orcs quieted. And then they all ran away and left us there to deal with whatever the hell was coming. We all looked at each other, and made our very first unanimous decision. We ran too.
Did I mention that I HATE running? Hate it. Abhor it. Detest it. Loathe it. If it were a person, I would kill it. In fact, my hatred for it runs so deeply that---
"Good God, you're not even running. You're around my neck," Frodo said between his strides.
Exactly! Do you know what it's like to bounce around like this? Do you know those big plastic globes they use for Bingo? They put all the little numbers inside, and grind it around so that those numbers go tumbling around. It's kinda like that. Only sometimes, you get suffocated by the material of someone's shirt. Or you whack his chin. Not that you don't have a lovely chin, of course, because you do. But during all this bouncing, the bony part of a chin isn't exactly the most comfortable place to hit.
"Ring," Aragorn sounded like he was gritting his teeth.
Yes?
"Please..."
I'm coping. Complaining is my defense mechanism. It's either that, or murder you all with my non-existent powers and roll all the way to Sauron myself.
They all chose to ignore me. We kept running, and then all of a sudden we heard Boromir shout. We stumbled through an intricate stone archway to see him balance precariously on the edge of a 400-foot drop.
I'll give Legolas the benefit of the doubt. The elf spent a lot of time with Strider, after all. Maybe all of that heroicness rubbed off on him, like a contagious disease or something. Maybe he just couldn't help it, and acted out of pure instinct. He sprang forward and grabbed Boromir around the shoulders, pulling him back to safety.
There was a moment of silence as everyone, even the glowy-thing and the Gollum-thing following us, all contemplated the weight of what the elf of Mirkwood had just done.
Boromir looked relieved, yet shocked. Legolas looked traumatized.
"Dear heavens, what have I done?!" he exclaimed in his effeminate voice. His voice was shaky. "I could have---by gods, he was on the brink of death right in front of me! I could have rid us all of this nuisance, and make it look like an accident. Instead, I-I-I saved him! *Him*!!! That dirty rascal who dares insult my noble Elfstone and who will not stop ogling my firm posterior. I let the chance slip through my fingers!" He sounded like he was going to cry.
Aragorn quickly wrapped him up in a hug. You could tell Legolas was reeeeaally upset, because they didn't start shagging like bunnies right away.
There there, now. We all make mistakes. The important thing is to not repeat them. The next time Boromir loses his balance on a jagged ledge, nudge him over.
Sam cleared his throat. "Well, it's good to see that the Company of Nine is so concerned with each other's welfare. Really, what would we do without this sense of team unity?"
Gandalf looked deeply engrossed in thinking. He stared at the broken stone staircases, already narrow but now also crumbling, long drops to death and molten lava on either side. "Aragorn," he mused. The Ranger looked up from over Legolas's shoulder. "Should anything happen to me, you must lead them on," he said cryptically. Aragorn nodded.
Excuse me. Gandalf. You are NOT planning to take a dive off a bridge on me, are you? Because you can't. You're the only one who knows I'm innocent and harmless. You're my only chance of coming out of this alive without me having to grovel embarrassingly in front of Sauron. Without you, they'll throw me into a volcano. Even Legolas isn't that nice. He'll do whatever Aragorn wants, and the wet psycho wants me dead, okay?
"With luck, Al, we'll all be fine," he replied grimly.
Great. Luck. Because, y'know, our journey's been full of that stuff. And right on cue to my sarcastic comment, the stairs we were walking on began to collapse. And for added fun, arrows began to whiz at us from above. Yay.
Yup, I can feel that luck kicking in already.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Extra A/N: I re-read the book, and I've decided I like book-Legolas a lot more than the movie-Legolas. He's more fun. That's why he has a bigger part now. But I still hate Boromir.
Special Shoutout: To Chaosti, for always sticking with this. Thanks a million for the reviews---they always bring a smile. And I didn't notice until now, but you're from way back in my "Q & A" days! Hello!
Disclaimers: Ohh yeah, I'm so brave, so daring. Watch me! Look, ma, no disclaimer!
Chapter 22: In Between the Fight and Something More Exciting ~ ~ ~
Alright, "to the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!!!" may *sound* like a good plan, but in practice, it was a liiiiiiiiiittle less clear-cute. The inside of a dwarf mine is like a demented labyrinth from architecture hell, okay? Beautiful, ornate, and abso-fucking-lutely senseless. We ran helter- skelter through like five billion hallways, and up some stairs, down some stairs, through secret passages, into rooms, out of rooms---Gandalf, dude, please. Do you even know where the bridge is?
"Actually," he panted as we ran, "Gimli knows this place better than I do, so we are technically following his instructions."
Wait, wait, hold up. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
"I said, we are technically following Gim---"
I heard you the first time! Although I wish I hadn't!!! Dammit, we're following that half-brained disgrace to noble dwarves everywhere? He's probably leading us to the nearest rotting food source or something! How the hell do you know we're going the right way?!?! We could be running *away* from the bridge, for all anyone knows. This is insane! This is stupid!!!
"Ring," Legolas said grimly, not winded at all from all the running. "If I am willing to take the chance, I am dragging everybody with me. Including you."
Oh great, the Ranger's fucktoy all of a sudden decides to go from the considerate one to the "If I have to die, so does everyone else" one.
"I hate to interrupt this...delightful conversation," Frodo said, not seeming to hate it at all, "but do you hear rumbling?"
Aragorn and Boromir twisted around. And swallowed audibly. "Don't look now, but there are swarms of orcs closing in on us from every direction," Boromir said. We all looked.
Oh fuck.
I didn't even know there were that many living things on this planet. There were literally tens of thousands of those twitchy little varmints, covering everything like flies at a picnic. They screeched and hollered and drooled. And we were surrounded by them. They crowded us into a small circle, our backs to each other so that we could face them on all sides. Y'know, musk oxen go into this defensive position too...right before they get EATEN BY WOLVES.
"I feel I speak for everyone here when I say shut the hell up, Ring," Aragorn said, losing his stoic cool. He quickly regained it, and drew his sword. Legolas drew an arrow. I looked around at the gazillions of orcs surrounding us. Oh yeah, Legolas, that's really gonna help. He spared a second to roll his eyes at me.
I could feel everyone shaking, all of us about to piss ourselves. Well, all of us except Legolas. His shaking was of a different kind, more of a gleeful, excited shaking, because yay, yet another opportunity for him to inflict violence with his arrows. Joy.
"Everyone?"
We all turned towards Pippin to shush him. But he simply pointed in the direction of another one of those huge corridors. "What's that?"
There was a bright, devilish light, getting bigger and bigger like some giant flaming creature was coming closer. Unless Sauron suddenly learned my handy trick of rolling around freely, we are in deep shit.
"We'd be in deep shit anyway, if it were Sauron," Boromir grumbled.
Well, excuuuuuse me for siding with my creator and the one guy who doesn't want to kill me.
"Now, now children," Aragorn admonished sarcastically. "I believe the current situation calls for more of our attention."
The glowing light drew even closer, and all the orcs quieted. And then they all ran away and left us there to deal with whatever the hell was coming. We all looked at each other, and made our very first unanimous decision. We ran too.
Did I mention that I HATE running? Hate it. Abhor it. Detest it. Loathe it. If it were a person, I would kill it. In fact, my hatred for it runs so deeply that---
"Good God, you're not even running. You're around my neck," Frodo said between his strides.
Exactly! Do you know what it's like to bounce around like this? Do you know those big plastic globes they use for Bingo? They put all the little numbers inside, and grind it around so that those numbers go tumbling around. It's kinda like that. Only sometimes, you get suffocated by the material of someone's shirt. Or you whack his chin. Not that you don't have a lovely chin, of course, because you do. But during all this bouncing, the bony part of a chin isn't exactly the most comfortable place to hit.
"Ring," Aragorn sounded like he was gritting his teeth.
Yes?
"Please..."
I'm coping. Complaining is my defense mechanism. It's either that, or murder you all with my non-existent powers and roll all the way to Sauron myself.
They all chose to ignore me. We kept running, and then all of a sudden we heard Boromir shout. We stumbled through an intricate stone archway to see him balance precariously on the edge of a 400-foot drop.
I'll give Legolas the benefit of the doubt. The elf spent a lot of time with Strider, after all. Maybe all of that heroicness rubbed off on him, like a contagious disease or something. Maybe he just couldn't help it, and acted out of pure instinct. He sprang forward and grabbed Boromir around the shoulders, pulling him back to safety.
There was a moment of silence as everyone, even the glowy-thing and the Gollum-thing following us, all contemplated the weight of what the elf of Mirkwood had just done.
Boromir looked relieved, yet shocked. Legolas looked traumatized.
"Dear heavens, what have I done?!" he exclaimed in his effeminate voice. His voice was shaky. "I could have---by gods, he was on the brink of death right in front of me! I could have rid us all of this nuisance, and make it look like an accident. Instead, I-I-I saved him! *Him*!!! That dirty rascal who dares insult my noble Elfstone and who will not stop ogling my firm posterior. I let the chance slip through my fingers!" He sounded like he was going to cry.
Aragorn quickly wrapped him up in a hug. You could tell Legolas was reeeeaally upset, because they didn't start shagging like bunnies right away.
There there, now. We all make mistakes. The important thing is to not repeat them. The next time Boromir loses his balance on a jagged ledge, nudge him over.
Sam cleared his throat. "Well, it's good to see that the Company of Nine is so concerned with each other's welfare. Really, what would we do without this sense of team unity?"
Gandalf looked deeply engrossed in thinking. He stared at the broken stone staircases, already narrow but now also crumbling, long drops to death and molten lava on either side. "Aragorn," he mused. The Ranger looked up from over Legolas's shoulder. "Should anything happen to me, you must lead them on," he said cryptically. Aragorn nodded.
Excuse me. Gandalf. You are NOT planning to take a dive off a bridge on me, are you? Because you can't. You're the only one who knows I'm innocent and harmless. You're my only chance of coming out of this alive without me having to grovel embarrassingly in front of Sauron. Without you, they'll throw me into a volcano. Even Legolas isn't that nice. He'll do whatever Aragorn wants, and the wet psycho wants me dead, okay?
"With luck, Al, we'll all be fine," he replied grimly.
Great. Luck. Because, y'know, our journey's been full of that stuff. And right on cue to my sarcastic comment, the stairs we were walking on began to collapse. And for added fun, arrows began to whiz at us from above. Yay.
Yup, I can feel that luck kicking in already.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Extra A/N: I re-read the book, and I've decided I like book-Legolas a lot more than the movie-Legolas. He's more fun. That's why he has a bigger part now. But I still hate Boromir.