A/N: Arrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I had this all typed up on Wednesday, but my
concert band performance went until 9:00 pm and so I had no time to post
it, and I refuse to post after Thursday because too many people update on
the weekends. So sorry!!! Okay, I've got a lot of questions and comments
to address here. First of all, why do I enjoy bashing Boromir so? Well, he
annoys the hell outta me, that's why. The lady doth protest too much.
Things are always melodramatic with him, worrying about this and that,
always arguing and frowning and pondering. It makes my head hurt. And
anyone who gives me a headache is a prime target for mockery. Speaking of
melodramatic, why do I like book-Legolas more than movie-Legolas? Same
reason. In the book, he actually shows some semblance of emotions other
than 'tense,' 'watchful,' and 'grim'. In the book, he's cute. In fact,
that goes for all the characters in LOTR. In the books, they exhibit joy
every now and then, while in the movies, their lives are just never-ending
angst-fests. And no, I won't be putting in songs the way the books do.
And the whole question of Legolas's supply of arrows will be discussed in
this chapter, and then perhaps will be addressed in more detail in a near-
future chapter. I actually have a scene planned out for that, but I don't
know if it'll make the cut when I edit.
Disclaimers: I don't own LOTR...it owns me. I'm a slave to it, I tell you, SLAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 23: Gandalf Falls into a Hole
The staircase split right in front of our very eyes, and a large chunk of it fell away to leave a giant, gaping fissure centimetres our feet. Or, their feet, really, since I don't have feet and am dangling in midair. But screw the technicalities. We were in some deep shit here.
"Jump!" Legolas cried, leaping over the gaping hole and landing soundlessly on the other side. He turned and looked at us expectantly. We all gave him variations of the same one-eyebrow-raised look. Yeah, right. You expect us to just soar over like that? Aragorn will try, but not the rest of us. An orc screeched from above, and shot an arrow that whizzed by Frodo's ear and nearly took it off. Oooookay, there's some motivation for us to try, but---another arrow came, this time impaling Gandalf's pointy hat. Okay, okay, we're jumping!
The rest of the Company went one by one, so that eventually I was left with Frodo and Aragorn on our side of the ever-widening gap. The arrows were flying at us with more intensity, and every now and then Aragorn had to reach out and whack them away with his big sword to keep them from hitting us. Legolas kept his attention on Aragorn, but was shooting back the orcs. He managed to kill two with one arrow without even looking. He shot Gimli a cocky grin that was dismissed.
Another section of the stone stairs fell off. "Strider..." Frodo whimpered poutily. Aragorn slipped an arm around him. Watch it, I still want a shot at him, I warned half-heartedly.
"Frodo, you have to trust me. We cannot jump now, for the gap is too wide. We have to wait for the right moment, for our one opportunity. We'll need perfect timing, and you will have to put your faith in me."
*My* hobbit looked up at the damned Ranger with glowing eyes, and nodded. "What is the plan?"
"As the stairs continue to crumble, their foundation will break and cause them to be off balance. We will take advantage of this, throwing the balance in our favour and send our side crashing into the other side."
Do you realize that's FUCKING NUTS?!?!?! I tried not to sound too hysterical. I have to trust my would-be murderers and take part in some crazy-ass plan that could end up with me falling into a fiery pit?!?!
"Well, we *are* going to throw you into a fiery pit later on. This just happens to be the wrong fiery pit, that's all," Frodo said brightly. Dear hobbit, you have been such a comfort during these dangerous times.
Aragorn sighed. "I know you haven't had a lot of experience in the field of heroic deeds, Frodo, but that is not the type of thing one says when we are all just trying to get out of this alive."
Thank you, Aragorn.
"Even though we probably won't get out alive," Frodo added cheerfully.
...This is depressing. Can we just jump into the fire and put ourselves out of our misery?
"Evil Ring! Do not even dare to imply that my sweet Elessar cannot live through this!" Legolas admonished.
Me? Have you been listening??? Frodo's the doubter here.
"Both of you, then. Do not think that---ooh!" Legolas interrupted himself to look at the orc arrow that had flew in from somewhere and embedded itself in the rock, millimetres from his foot. "Look! 'Tis a Cerberon 12X! Excellently balanced and centred." He picked it up and pocketed it with obvious delight.
So *that's* where they all come from! I thought it was some fancy elf- magic that kept your quiver stocked 24/7, but no, you filch them off of others!
He picked up a different arrow off the stairs, notched it, and fired. An orc screamed and cursed and flailed his arms, then went careening into the depths of the fiery hole. "Well, it is not as though that Yrch will be needing his arrow back anymore."
Another tremor shook our side of the stairs, and Aragorn announced, "It is time."
We all braced ourselves. We all leaned forwards, and willed the stairs to fall into the other side. Without crushing the people on the other side. We waited and leaned, and waited and leaned. And suddenly, it happened. We jumped.
Legolas quickly steadied us, and he and his pussy-whipped Ranger shared a meaningful look. Sam tried to share one with Frodo, but failed. "Quickly now, to the Bridge!" Gandalf said, hurrying us along what was left of the narrow staircase.
"See, Ring? I told you to trust in me," Aragorn murmured smugly. Damn. I'm never gonna hear the end of it now.
We scurried along, dodging arrows and watching our step carefully. "We have come to the Bridge of Khazad-dûm," Gandalf announced grandly.
Dude. You call that a *bridge*?!?!?!?! Have you *seen* a bridge?!?! That is not a bridge. That is a little itty-bitty slab of rock slung across a giant canyon as an afterthought, when it occurred to the dwarves that they'd need to get back for dinner. That is not a bridge. And that is not something that we're gonna cross. No way in hell, man.
Legolas gripped Frodo's hand firmly and began pulling him across. "Unfortunately, you have very little say in the matter. You are merely an adornment on Frodo's neck, and wherever his neck goes, you must follow."
Ah, godammit. Frodo, if you fall and we have to live out the rest of our days in a dark cave with zombie-dwarves and scary troll-monsters, I will never speak to you again.
"That's supposed to be a threat of some kind? It seems more like a bribe to tempt me to fall," he retorted.
"Come on, less chit-chat, more running," Gandalf said, whacking at our heels with his big stick. We complied, and ran. We were juuuuust about to make it across, without any casualties whatsoever. So of course something horribly bad had to happen, to counter our moment of rare good luck.
A giant fire demon thing rose from the canyon and began its own private war with Gandalf. Just out of the blue, just like that. "A Balrog!"
The crazy geezer waved us on. Apparently, he was gonna try to fight the thingy by himself. We watched from a safe distance, while I quietly freaked. Dammit, what the hell? You have a fucking responsibility to keep me alive, Gandalf!!! Don't you dare do this to me now! The giant fire thingy paid no heed to me, and neither did Gandalf. For a moment, it looked as though he would win. He did some fancy trick with his big stick, causing the bridge to crack and part of it to break away with the Balrog still on it. But then the Balrog unfurled its long whip-thing and dragged Gandalf down with it. They both disappeared into the pitch blackness below.
There was nothing but shocked silence. "Well, the whip was kind of kinky..." Boromir began. That snapped me out of my trance.
Dammit!!! Frodo, you can't just leave him to die!!!!! He's *Gandalf*, for fuck's sakes! He's practically like an uncle to you! You have to help him! (I figured, hey, if it worked for everybody else, I could use the line about the whole "duty to mankind" to get Frodo to do what I wanted.) It's your duty to the Shire! You owe it to your people! Come on, do something!!!!!!!!!
And it worked. Frodo started forward. But then Aragorn the meddler just had to grab him. "No! Gandalf knew what he was doing. He has passed the leadership on to me, and I say that we move on."
No!
"Yes!" Aragorn said firmly.
NO!!!!!!
"YES!" he roared.
No, god-fucking-dammit, NO!!!
Gimli jumped in quickly. "Oh look, stairs leading to the great outdoors. Wouldn't you like to be outside again? And the hobbits must be hungry. We can make a fire outside, and cook."
"Yes, Gimli's right. We're all starving, let's go." Boromir bodily dragged both Aragorn and Frodo (and, by association, me) up the stairs and out of the wretched dwarf mines.
We all stood, and let the wind caress our faces. At least, those of us who weren't *swaddled in someone else's shirt* did.
"Alright already! Sorry," Frodo unbuttoned his collar and let me breathe.
I don't accept your apology! You let the wizard die! And for that, you will never be forgiven.
"Shut up!" Aragorn called. "We're trying to mourn over here!" He made a wide sweeping gesture to indicate the others, who were all in various stages of crying.
You have no right, fuckers! You all *let* him die!!! I hate you all!!!!!
"If you do not shut up, I will cry with my big puppy dog eyes," Frodo threatened.
Aragorn rolled his eyes and rubbed at his temples. "Get them up, Legolas," he ordered his bitch. Boromir looked like he would protest, but Aragorn said "We must move on to somewhere safer, put some distance between ourselves and the evil following us. We also need a place to rest for the night." Legolas did his bidding, to the surprise of all...not.
We all began walking towards a forest in the distance, where Aragorn claimed we'd be safe. His idea of safe involved holing up in a tree and eating swamp bugs and sleeping with one eye open, so we didn't really know what to think. Walking to the forest meant covering a lot of grassy terrain and crossing a lot of streams. Merry and Pippin quickly forgot their grief, and started running around like maniacs again. Aragorn was right in his element, his perpetually wet hair even wetter than usual and looking appropriately rugged and manly with some dirt smeared on his cheek. I was just beginning to enjoy being outside again, when Sam had to open his big fat mouth.
"Where are we going?"
"To Lothlórien," Legolas replied, making it sound as though it was the most wonderful paradise on this or any other Earth.
Shit. Yet another concentration of immortal elves with aims to kill me. And we were without Gandalf this time, so there'd be no one to stop them from melting me down and re-casting me as a doorknocker, should it strike their fancy to do so. Dammit Frodo, why didn't you fall off that bridge?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~TBC
Disclaimers: I don't own LOTR...it owns me. I'm a slave to it, I tell you, SLAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chapter 23: Gandalf Falls into a Hole
The staircase split right in front of our very eyes, and a large chunk of it fell away to leave a giant, gaping fissure centimetres our feet. Or, their feet, really, since I don't have feet and am dangling in midair. But screw the technicalities. We were in some deep shit here.
"Jump!" Legolas cried, leaping over the gaping hole and landing soundlessly on the other side. He turned and looked at us expectantly. We all gave him variations of the same one-eyebrow-raised look. Yeah, right. You expect us to just soar over like that? Aragorn will try, but not the rest of us. An orc screeched from above, and shot an arrow that whizzed by Frodo's ear and nearly took it off. Oooookay, there's some motivation for us to try, but---another arrow came, this time impaling Gandalf's pointy hat. Okay, okay, we're jumping!
The rest of the Company went one by one, so that eventually I was left with Frodo and Aragorn on our side of the ever-widening gap. The arrows were flying at us with more intensity, and every now and then Aragorn had to reach out and whack them away with his big sword to keep them from hitting us. Legolas kept his attention on Aragorn, but was shooting back the orcs. He managed to kill two with one arrow without even looking. He shot Gimli a cocky grin that was dismissed.
Another section of the stone stairs fell off. "Strider..." Frodo whimpered poutily. Aragorn slipped an arm around him. Watch it, I still want a shot at him, I warned half-heartedly.
"Frodo, you have to trust me. We cannot jump now, for the gap is too wide. We have to wait for the right moment, for our one opportunity. We'll need perfect timing, and you will have to put your faith in me."
*My* hobbit looked up at the damned Ranger with glowing eyes, and nodded. "What is the plan?"
"As the stairs continue to crumble, their foundation will break and cause them to be off balance. We will take advantage of this, throwing the balance in our favour and send our side crashing into the other side."
Do you realize that's FUCKING NUTS?!?!?! I tried not to sound too hysterical. I have to trust my would-be murderers and take part in some crazy-ass plan that could end up with me falling into a fiery pit?!?!
"Well, we *are* going to throw you into a fiery pit later on. This just happens to be the wrong fiery pit, that's all," Frodo said brightly. Dear hobbit, you have been such a comfort during these dangerous times.
Aragorn sighed. "I know you haven't had a lot of experience in the field of heroic deeds, Frodo, but that is not the type of thing one says when we are all just trying to get out of this alive."
Thank you, Aragorn.
"Even though we probably won't get out alive," Frodo added cheerfully.
...This is depressing. Can we just jump into the fire and put ourselves out of our misery?
"Evil Ring! Do not even dare to imply that my sweet Elessar cannot live through this!" Legolas admonished.
Me? Have you been listening??? Frodo's the doubter here.
"Both of you, then. Do not think that---ooh!" Legolas interrupted himself to look at the orc arrow that had flew in from somewhere and embedded itself in the rock, millimetres from his foot. "Look! 'Tis a Cerberon 12X! Excellently balanced and centred." He picked it up and pocketed it with obvious delight.
So *that's* where they all come from! I thought it was some fancy elf- magic that kept your quiver stocked 24/7, but no, you filch them off of others!
He picked up a different arrow off the stairs, notched it, and fired. An orc screamed and cursed and flailed his arms, then went careening into the depths of the fiery hole. "Well, it is not as though that Yrch will be needing his arrow back anymore."
Another tremor shook our side of the stairs, and Aragorn announced, "It is time."
We all braced ourselves. We all leaned forwards, and willed the stairs to fall into the other side. Without crushing the people on the other side. We waited and leaned, and waited and leaned. And suddenly, it happened. We jumped.
Legolas quickly steadied us, and he and his pussy-whipped Ranger shared a meaningful look. Sam tried to share one with Frodo, but failed. "Quickly now, to the Bridge!" Gandalf said, hurrying us along what was left of the narrow staircase.
"See, Ring? I told you to trust in me," Aragorn murmured smugly. Damn. I'm never gonna hear the end of it now.
We scurried along, dodging arrows and watching our step carefully. "We have come to the Bridge of Khazad-dûm," Gandalf announced grandly.
Dude. You call that a *bridge*?!?!?!?! Have you *seen* a bridge?!?! That is not a bridge. That is a little itty-bitty slab of rock slung across a giant canyon as an afterthought, when it occurred to the dwarves that they'd need to get back for dinner. That is not a bridge. And that is not something that we're gonna cross. No way in hell, man.
Legolas gripped Frodo's hand firmly and began pulling him across. "Unfortunately, you have very little say in the matter. You are merely an adornment on Frodo's neck, and wherever his neck goes, you must follow."
Ah, godammit. Frodo, if you fall and we have to live out the rest of our days in a dark cave with zombie-dwarves and scary troll-monsters, I will never speak to you again.
"That's supposed to be a threat of some kind? It seems more like a bribe to tempt me to fall," he retorted.
"Come on, less chit-chat, more running," Gandalf said, whacking at our heels with his big stick. We complied, and ran. We were juuuuust about to make it across, without any casualties whatsoever. So of course something horribly bad had to happen, to counter our moment of rare good luck.
A giant fire demon thing rose from the canyon and began its own private war with Gandalf. Just out of the blue, just like that. "A Balrog!"
The crazy geezer waved us on. Apparently, he was gonna try to fight the thingy by himself. We watched from a safe distance, while I quietly freaked. Dammit, what the hell? You have a fucking responsibility to keep me alive, Gandalf!!! Don't you dare do this to me now! The giant fire thingy paid no heed to me, and neither did Gandalf. For a moment, it looked as though he would win. He did some fancy trick with his big stick, causing the bridge to crack and part of it to break away with the Balrog still on it. But then the Balrog unfurled its long whip-thing and dragged Gandalf down with it. They both disappeared into the pitch blackness below.
There was nothing but shocked silence. "Well, the whip was kind of kinky..." Boromir began. That snapped me out of my trance.
Dammit!!! Frodo, you can't just leave him to die!!!!! He's *Gandalf*, for fuck's sakes! He's practically like an uncle to you! You have to help him! (I figured, hey, if it worked for everybody else, I could use the line about the whole "duty to mankind" to get Frodo to do what I wanted.) It's your duty to the Shire! You owe it to your people! Come on, do something!!!!!!!!!
And it worked. Frodo started forward. But then Aragorn the meddler just had to grab him. "No! Gandalf knew what he was doing. He has passed the leadership on to me, and I say that we move on."
No!
"Yes!" Aragorn said firmly.
NO!!!!!!
"YES!" he roared.
No, god-fucking-dammit, NO!!!
Gimli jumped in quickly. "Oh look, stairs leading to the great outdoors. Wouldn't you like to be outside again? And the hobbits must be hungry. We can make a fire outside, and cook."
"Yes, Gimli's right. We're all starving, let's go." Boromir bodily dragged both Aragorn and Frodo (and, by association, me) up the stairs and out of the wretched dwarf mines.
We all stood, and let the wind caress our faces. At least, those of us who weren't *swaddled in someone else's shirt* did.
"Alright already! Sorry," Frodo unbuttoned his collar and let me breathe.
I don't accept your apology! You let the wizard die! And for that, you will never be forgiven.
"Shut up!" Aragorn called. "We're trying to mourn over here!" He made a wide sweeping gesture to indicate the others, who were all in various stages of crying.
You have no right, fuckers! You all *let* him die!!! I hate you all!!!!!
"If you do not shut up, I will cry with my big puppy dog eyes," Frodo threatened.
Aragorn rolled his eyes and rubbed at his temples. "Get them up, Legolas," he ordered his bitch. Boromir looked like he would protest, but Aragorn said "We must move on to somewhere safer, put some distance between ourselves and the evil following us. We also need a place to rest for the night." Legolas did his bidding, to the surprise of all...not.
We all began walking towards a forest in the distance, where Aragorn claimed we'd be safe. His idea of safe involved holing up in a tree and eating swamp bugs and sleeping with one eye open, so we didn't really know what to think. Walking to the forest meant covering a lot of grassy terrain and crossing a lot of streams. Merry and Pippin quickly forgot their grief, and started running around like maniacs again. Aragorn was right in his element, his perpetually wet hair even wetter than usual and looking appropriately rugged and manly with some dirt smeared on his cheek. I was just beginning to enjoy being outside again, when Sam had to open his big fat mouth.
"Where are we going?"
"To Lothlórien," Legolas replied, making it sound as though it was the most wonderful paradise on this or any other Earth.
Shit. Yet another concentration of immortal elves with aims to kill me. And we were without Gandalf this time, so there'd be no one to stop them from melting me down and re-casting me as a doorknocker, should it strike their fancy to do so. Dammit Frodo, why didn't you fall off that bridge?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~TBC