A/N: Okay, here's the deal. I was writing midterms, which is why I haven't
updated for an embarrassingly long time. I've been studying, working
really hard and whatnot, but now my exams are finally over! Meaning more
frequent updates, hopefully. I know I'm notoriously bad with updating on
time, but if you truly love me, you'll bear with me. Quick shout-outs to
Destria for following me all the way from the nasty Fandomination.net,
Volinde for reviewing despite hating to, and Chaosti for remember the name
of Gandalf's hat.
PS- there's a surprise for y'all at the end of this chappie ^__
Disclaimers: Hi, my name is J.R.R. Tolkein, I own everything in the LOTR universe, and I am now writing a strange parody of my own creation in a completely different writing style. ...And you thought I was dead. Pfft.
Chapter 24: Entering the Woods
"Lothlórien is one of the last great elven cities. The magic here is ancient, even by the standards of immortals. All within the land fall under the watchful eye of the Lady of the Wood, whose power is so strong that I cannot even begin to explain. The forests of Lórien are enchanted, with an awe-inspiring beauty that brings forth wonder in even the hardest of hearts. In the autumn, when the leaves turn to gold, the woods become so beautiful that one can hardly stand it; men have been known to fall to their knees at the extraordinary sight of it. Lothlórien is---"
Alright, what are you, their Minister of Tourism?!
"No," Legolas pouted. "It is only that I have yearned to see Lothlórien since I was but a child. Ever since I was young, I have been struck by the tales of this glorious city, the magnificent realm of---"
Okay, okay! You like this place. Got it. Thank you.
"You know what I have heard?" Gimli leaned in to whisper to Frodo and me. "This Lady of the Woods woman is a psycho. She has the power to turn anybody who is not an elf into her slaves. And she does. These magic forests are very dangerous. In fact, we should never have come at all."
Legolas sniffed indignantly, looking insulted. "I will have you know, Dwarf, that these woods are the safest thing for miles---surely much less dangerous than your dwarf mines, from whence we came."
Before Gimli could come up with a snappy comeback, all of us suddenly found ourselves surrounded by a bunch of Legolas-clones wielding sharp arrows. Whoa now, boys, no need to pull out your toys. We're only looking for a place to stay for the night.
"Haldir," Aragorn greeted the leader of the Legolas-clone pleasantly.
"The Lady of the Woods wishes to see you. *All* of you," he replied, glaring straight at Frodo. Oh wait, he's glaring straight at me! What does she want with me?!
"You bring great evil to this place, Frodo of the Shire," a whispery but sort of sexy voice murmured, cutting through the trees eerily. And that would be the Lady, I assume. The immortal lady with psychic abilities who thinks I'm evil, even though she's never met me. The lady who waaaaants me. Wait, have I met you before? Have I done you?
"What?"
Y'know, have I banged you? Gone out with you? Shown you the privilege of my sweet, sweet love? Because it's been a while, and my lifespan's really long...I can't really remember all the ladies I've had.
"Excuse me?!?! You have most certainly never 'banged' me, thankyouverymuch," the luscious psychic voice boomed. Haldir looked annoyed.
...Would you like me to?
All eyes, immortal or otherwise, turned to me.
"Ring, I just *know* that you're not crudely hitting on the highly- respected Lady of the Woods," Aragorn said, looking at me pointedly.
Frodo coughed, looking embarrassed. He flicked me. Ow, what? I can't even try for her? A guy gets desperate, okay? And it's not like you're putting out any, Mister Baggins.
"Ring!" Sam was horrified. "Mr. Frodo is not that kind of person!"
Yeah, he's not that kind of person for *you*, Samwise! And I don't blame him.
"What are you implying?" Sam asked testily, pretending to not be lusting after Frodo. Even though everyone already knows. The whole Company, all the orcs, Gollum, that Balrog back there, the elves around us, the moss under our feet---we can all tell you're just waiting for the first chance to jump Frodo.
"I am not! Mr. Frodo, you musn't believe him!"
Aragorn made that exasperated sound that means he wants to stab us all repeatedly. Haldir cleared his throat. "The Lady awaits," he ventured, sounding less eager to lead us into the woods.
We were escorted through a long and complicated series of winding paths and staircases that eventually lead to some sort of glasshouse/pagoda/courtyard- looking sort of building-ish type thing. It was covered with little vines and flowers, and had a kind of magical glow about it.
"Oooooh...pretty!" Merry and Pippin stared, jaws slack with awe. Boromir nudged them out of their trance when they started drooling.
"Here dwell the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien," Haldir said majestically, somehow managing not to get tripped up in the long tangle of ridiculously fancy elf-names. We went forth to meet them.
Whoooaaaaa, Galadriel, baby! Aren't you a beautiful thang?
Celeborn looked affronted. Haldir looked affronted. All the other elves looked affronted. In fact, everyone but Boromir looked affronted. Boromir looked like he was thinking along the same lines I was.
A couple of elves moved forward to shut me up. "No, leave it be. I shall ignore him and remain professional," Galadriel said regally.
You're classy...I like that!
Everyone (except Boromir) whirled to glare at me. Frodo sighed, and without a word, tucked me into his shirt. Hey, I was just *complimenting* her--- Gimli called her a psycho witch back there, and no one's punishing him!
True to her word, Galadriel ignored me. She launched into a long speech instead, about how Sauron was regaining power and how important the quest to KILL ME was. She observantly mentioned that Gandalf was missing.
No shit, I grumbled from the confines of Frodo's shirt. Took you that long to notice?
Aragorn told her he got into a fight with a Balrog, and was probably still back there fighting for all we know. Galadriel nodded sagely, and then told us that we were in danger and had to be careful. Then, she looked into the eyes of each one of the others and did freaky mind things to them. She couldn't do it to me, though, because I don't have a brain in the normal sense of anatomy. I could still hear what she was doing, though. The Lady of the Woods used her telekinetic powers to talk to eight people at once, so it was hard for me to eavesdrop, but the general gist of it was this: she'd show them their greatest weakness, and they'd hang their head in shame.
And then that was it. We were dismissed.
Okay, so you dragged us all the way up here so that you could tell us that our trip is dangerous and then embarrass us? That's it?!?!?!
Aragorn tapped Frodo on the shoulder and jerked his head to indicate a discreet corner of the...whatever we were in. "Frodo? A word with the Ring, please?"
Frodo complied, and Aragorn fished me out, dangling me inches in front of his face. "Listen to me closely, Ring. You cannot just go around antagonizing everyone you meet, okay? You keep on insisting that you're not evil. That's all well and good, but how are we supposed to believe you when you keep on making enemies? That attitude is going to put us in deep trouble, even deeper than the trouble we're already in. You have to stop and learn to keep silent sometimes, alright?"
Yes, father.
"I'm serious, Ring. We're getting into the thick of this really fast. I don't have time to put up with your crap."
Look, Strider, Aragorn, Elessar, Elfstone, whatever the fuck you wanna be called. I really respect you. I do. I know I don't act like it, but I actually do. But you have to keep in mind that I'm a PRISONER, okay? You KIDNAPPED me, and you plan to MURDER me. Excuuuuuse me if I'm a little snarky. This attitude of mine has been the only thing keeping me alive for centuries. If you're gonna try to assassinate me, don't expect me to just take it. You can give me as many ultimatums as you want, but *nothing* is going to make me your little docile hostage, okay?
"Well. Now that we've aired out our feelings, do you suppose we can all come to a compromise?" Frodo looked back and forth between me and the Ranger.
Aragorn sighed, caught between his duty to make peace and his urge to smack me. "Fine. The Ring may continue its foul-mouthed ways, as long as none of them are directed to Lady Galadriel. Not while we're still within her realm, anyway. Because we are her *guests*, and this is an *honour*. Will you agree to that, Ring?"
Yes. I'll be polite to the Lady while we're here, okay? Happy?
"Yes. Especially since you mentioned you respect me," Aragorn smirked.
Don't ever bring that up again, or I'll take it back, I warned.
The three of us returned to the rest of the Company, conflict more or less resolved. "We have decided to spend the night here," Legolas began.
Haldir interrupted. "No, *we* have decided to *let* you spend the night here," he corrected haughtily, giving Gimli a dirty look.
"I do not have to take this insolence from an elf!" Gimli roared, face turning red. The elf standing closest to him mimed the action of shooting an arrow at his head. "Thank you for the accomodations," Gimli said, subdued.
We were shown to 'Hotel Lothlórien', a.k.a. a clearing beneath the canopy some giant trees, with cozy nooks and crannies in the roots and trunks in which we were expected to burrow like rodents. I'm sure Gimli and the hobbits felt right at home.
The second it got dark, some elves started chanting in the distance. Dude, are they like practicing voodoo? They're trying to hex us, aren't they?
"Um, no. It is a song of mourning for Gandalf the Gray," Legolas explained. He gave a delicate sniffle.
"There, there," Aragorn hugged him. And then just like that, they were making out.
Okay, then. Time for us to go to bed, huh, Frodo?
"Indeed." He climbed into a hollow tree, wrapping us snugly with his blankets. We were quiet, waiting for sleep to come, when we began to hear...sounds. Like, wet sounds, coupled with moaning and grunting. Argh, Aragorn and Shagolas are at it again!
Frodo hushed me. "Maybe they'll stop soon." Yeah, I don't think so. The sounds continued, and then a rhythmic thumping started dangerously close to our tree. Christ, the smut-bunnies are doing it right beside us!!! I can't stand this, Frodo. If I have to listen to one more second of this, I'm gonna go insane, and you're gonna have to put up with a psychopathic-me instead of just annoying-me.
"Alright already!" he stumbled out of the hollow. Don't look at the hole next to ours, I cautioned him. "I'm not," he assured me. "We'll just go out for a little walk. Perhaps they'll be finished when we come back."
Good plan. And with that, we started down one of the many twisting paths leading away from the clearing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Okay, everyone. Here's your surprise: LoTR fanart!!! Yes, I drew fanart. It's based on the characterizations in "Alfonso the Ring," but it's not an actual scene from the fic. Just a companion piece really, but you can picture it happening during any chapter of the fic. Anyhow, copy-paste the URL to your address bar and take a look, and tell me what you think! ?pid=47127
PS- there's a surprise for y'all at the end of this chappie ^__
Disclaimers: Hi, my name is J.R.R. Tolkein, I own everything in the LOTR universe, and I am now writing a strange parody of my own creation in a completely different writing style. ...And you thought I was dead. Pfft.
Chapter 24: Entering the Woods
"Lothlórien is one of the last great elven cities. The magic here is ancient, even by the standards of immortals. All within the land fall under the watchful eye of the Lady of the Wood, whose power is so strong that I cannot even begin to explain. The forests of Lórien are enchanted, with an awe-inspiring beauty that brings forth wonder in even the hardest of hearts. In the autumn, when the leaves turn to gold, the woods become so beautiful that one can hardly stand it; men have been known to fall to their knees at the extraordinary sight of it. Lothlórien is---"
Alright, what are you, their Minister of Tourism?!
"No," Legolas pouted. "It is only that I have yearned to see Lothlórien since I was but a child. Ever since I was young, I have been struck by the tales of this glorious city, the magnificent realm of---"
Okay, okay! You like this place. Got it. Thank you.
"You know what I have heard?" Gimli leaned in to whisper to Frodo and me. "This Lady of the Woods woman is a psycho. She has the power to turn anybody who is not an elf into her slaves. And she does. These magic forests are very dangerous. In fact, we should never have come at all."
Legolas sniffed indignantly, looking insulted. "I will have you know, Dwarf, that these woods are the safest thing for miles---surely much less dangerous than your dwarf mines, from whence we came."
Before Gimli could come up with a snappy comeback, all of us suddenly found ourselves surrounded by a bunch of Legolas-clones wielding sharp arrows. Whoa now, boys, no need to pull out your toys. We're only looking for a place to stay for the night.
"Haldir," Aragorn greeted the leader of the Legolas-clone pleasantly.
"The Lady of the Woods wishes to see you. *All* of you," he replied, glaring straight at Frodo. Oh wait, he's glaring straight at me! What does she want with me?!
"You bring great evil to this place, Frodo of the Shire," a whispery but sort of sexy voice murmured, cutting through the trees eerily. And that would be the Lady, I assume. The immortal lady with psychic abilities who thinks I'm evil, even though she's never met me. The lady who waaaaants me. Wait, have I met you before? Have I done you?
"What?"
Y'know, have I banged you? Gone out with you? Shown you the privilege of my sweet, sweet love? Because it's been a while, and my lifespan's really long...I can't really remember all the ladies I've had.
"Excuse me?!?! You have most certainly never 'banged' me, thankyouverymuch," the luscious psychic voice boomed. Haldir looked annoyed.
...Would you like me to?
All eyes, immortal or otherwise, turned to me.
"Ring, I just *know* that you're not crudely hitting on the highly- respected Lady of the Woods," Aragorn said, looking at me pointedly.
Frodo coughed, looking embarrassed. He flicked me. Ow, what? I can't even try for her? A guy gets desperate, okay? And it's not like you're putting out any, Mister Baggins.
"Ring!" Sam was horrified. "Mr. Frodo is not that kind of person!"
Yeah, he's not that kind of person for *you*, Samwise! And I don't blame him.
"What are you implying?" Sam asked testily, pretending to not be lusting after Frodo. Even though everyone already knows. The whole Company, all the orcs, Gollum, that Balrog back there, the elves around us, the moss under our feet---we can all tell you're just waiting for the first chance to jump Frodo.
"I am not! Mr. Frodo, you musn't believe him!"
Aragorn made that exasperated sound that means he wants to stab us all repeatedly. Haldir cleared his throat. "The Lady awaits," he ventured, sounding less eager to lead us into the woods.
We were escorted through a long and complicated series of winding paths and staircases that eventually lead to some sort of glasshouse/pagoda/courtyard- looking sort of building-ish type thing. It was covered with little vines and flowers, and had a kind of magical glow about it.
"Oooooh...pretty!" Merry and Pippin stared, jaws slack with awe. Boromir nudged them out of their trance when they started drooling.
"Here dwell the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel of Lothlórien," Haldir said majestically, somehow managing not to get tripped up in the long tangle of ridiculously fancy elf-names. We went forth to meet them.
Whoooaaaaa, Galadriel, baby! Aren't you a beautiful thang?
Celeborn looked affronted. Haldir looked affronted. All the other elves looked affronted. In fact, everyone but Boromir looked affronted. Boromir looked like he was thinking along the same lines I was.
A couple of elves moved forward to shut me up. "No, leave it be. I shall ignore him and remain professional," Galadriel said regally.
You're classy...I like that!
Everyone (except Boromir) whirled to glare at me. Frodo sighed, and without a word, tucked me into his shirt. Hey, I was just *complimenting* her--- Gimli called her a psycho witch back there, and no one's punishing him!
True to her word, Galadriel ignored me. She launched into a long speech instead, about how Sauron was regaining power and how important the quest to KILL ME was. She observantly mentioned that Gandalf was missing.
No shit, I grumbled from the confines of Frodo's shirt. Took you that long to notice?
Aragorn told her he got into a fight with a Balrog, and was probably still back there fighting for all we know. Galadriel nodded sagely, and then told us that we were in danger and had to be careful. Then, she looked into the eyes of each one of the others and did freaky mind things to them. She couldn't do it to me, though, because I don't have a brain in the normal sense of anatomy. I could still hear what she was doing, though. The Lady of the Woods used her telekinetic powers to talk to eight people at once, so it was hard for me to eavesdrop, but the general gist of it was this: she'd show them their greatest weakness, and they'd hang their head in shame.
And then that was it. We were dismissed.
Okay, so you dragged us all the way up here so that you could tell us that our trip is dangerous and then embarrass us? That's it?!?!?!
Aragorn tapped Frodo on the shoulder and jerked his head to indicate a discreet corner of the...whatever we were in. "Frodo? A word with the Ring, please?"
Frodo complied, and Aragorn fished me out, dangling me inches in front of his face. "Listen to me closely, Ring. You cannot just go around antagonizing everyone you meet, okay? You keep on insisting that you're not evil. That's all well and good, but how are we supposed to believe you when you keep on making enemies? That attitude is going to put us in deep trouble, even deeper than the trouble we're already in. You have to stop and learn to keep silent sometimes, alright?"
Yes, father.
"I'm serious, Ring. We're getting into the thick of this really fast. I don't have time to put up with your crap."
Look, Strider, Aragorn, Elessar, Elfstone, whatever the fuck you wanna be called. I really respect you. I do. I know I don't act like it, but I actually do. But you have to keep in mind that I'm a PRISONER, okay? You KIDNAPPED me, and you plan to MURDER me. Excuuuuuse me if I'm a little snarky. This attitude of mine has been the only thing keeping me alive for centuries. If you're gonna try to assassinate me, don't expect me to just take it. You can give me as many ultimatums as you want, but *nothing* is going to make me your little docile hostage, okay?
"Well. Now that we've aired out our feelings, do you suppose we can all come to a compromise?" Frodo looked back and forth between me and the Ranger.
Aragorn sighed, caught between his duty to make peace and his urge to smack me. "Fine. The Ring may continue its foul-mouthed ways, as long as none of them are directed to Lady Galadriel. Not while we're still within her realm, anyway. Because we are her *guests*, and this is an *honour*. Will you agree to that, Ring?"
Yes. I'll be polite to the Lady while we're here, okay? Happy?
"Yes. Especially since you mentioned you respect me," Aragorn smirked.
Don't ever bring that up again, or I'll take it back, I warned.
The three of us returned to the rest of the Company, conflict more or less resolved. "We have decided to spend the night here," Legolas began.
Haldir interrupted. "No, *we* have decided to *let* you spend the night here," he corrected haughtily, giving Gimli a dirty look.
"I do not have to take this insolence from an elf!" Gimli roared, face turning red. The elf standing closest to him mimed the action of shooting an arrow at his head. "Thank you for the accomodations," Gimli said, subdued.
We were shown to 'Hotel Lothlórien', a.k.a. a clearing beneath the canopy some giant trees, with cozy nooks and crannies in the roots and trunks in which we were expected to burrow like rodents. I'm sure Gimli and the hobbits felt right at home.
The second it got dark, some elves started chanting in the distance. Dude, are they like practicing voodoo? They're trying to hex us, aren't they?
"Um, no. It is a song of mourning for Gandalf the Gray," Legolas explained. He gave a delicate sniffle.
"There, there," Aragorn hugged him. And then just like that, they were making out.
Okay, then. Time for us to go to bed, huh, Frodo?
"Indeed." He climbed into a hollow tree, wrapping us snugly with his blankets. We were quiet, waiting for sleep to come, when we began to hear...sounds. Like, wet sounds, coupled with moaning and grunting. Argh, Aragorn and Shagolas are at it again!
Frodo hushed me. "Maybe they'll stop soon." Yeah, I don't think so. The sounds continued, and then a rhythmic thumping started dangerously close to our tree. Christ, the smut-bunnies are doing it right beside us!!! I can't stand this, Frodo. If I have to listen to one more second of this, I'm gonna go insane, and you're gonna have to put up with a psychopathic-me instead of just annoying-me.
"Alright already!" he stumbled out of the hollow. Don't look at the hole next to ours, I cautioned him. "I'm not," he assured me. "We'll just go out for a little walk. Perhaps they'll be finished when we come back."
Good plan. And with that, we started down one of the many twisting paths leading away from the clearing.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Okay, everyone. Here's your surprise: LoTR fanart!!! Yes, I drew fanart. It's based on the characterizations in "Alfonso the Ring," but it's not an actual scene from the fic. Just a companion piece really, but you can picture it happening during any chapter of the fic. Anyhow, copy-paste the URL to your address bar and take a look, and tell me what you think! ?pid=47127