A/N: It's my birthday today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I command you all to party!!!
Okay, that over with, I have a few matters of importance to address.
Firstly, the whole fanart thing. Yeah. The link doesn't work, does it.
I'm going to take Chaosti's suggestion and put the link as my URL on my
author's profile. Click on that, and then click on the picture labelled
"Legolas Spazzes". Secondly, I got my very first flame! Go me! Now I
feel like a legitimate writer...with street cred and all! If anyone's
curious, you can read it in my reviews---it's by someone who calls
him/herself Myler Hill. And third, the "secretary" position has been
filled by Manda. Big thank you to her, and to the rest of you who
expressed interest (yes, all two of you...). And then, some warm welcomes to
those who've just tuned in, as I seem to have sucked a lot of new readers
in with that last chapter, for some reason. And in reply to Chaosti's
question of "Will Al ever catch a break?", well, I can't give anything
away, but nice things are in the forecast for our shiny friend sometime in
the near future.
Disclaimers: The following is a work of fiction, and is not intended to infringe upon the rights of any individuals, groups, or mega-corporations, living, dead, or in between. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, and if you think you know someone in real life who is identical to someone in the following work, please be advised to stop taking hallucinogenic substances.
Chapter 27: Along the River ~ ~ ~
Finally, when I thought we'd never get away, we were officially out of the Land of the Mentally Unhinged. Which meant that my little deal with Aragorn about being nice to her while we were in her territory was *over*. I promptly launched into a long and eloquent speech, the main points of which were 1) We are NEVER going back there, 2) NEVER, you hear me? , 3) Galadriel is a fucking psycho, and 4) NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Are you quite finished?" Frodo asked me when I calmed down some.
Yes. Please let me out.
He obliged, pulling me out of his shirt and letting me breathe some fresh air, finally. I could now see that we were in a canoe on a grayish kinda sludgy-looking river, no doubt full of pollutants and mutated fish with five eyes. To our right were many trees, and to our left were...well, many more trees. How very scenic. Well, the view was no good, so I looked around to check out our canoe instead. Not surprisingly, we were with Aragorn, but what, no glossy-haired arm-candy?
"We put him in that canoe over there," Aragorn said. (I found it a little sad that he knew exactly who I was talking about.)
I looked over to the canoe he indicated, and---You put Legolas in a boat with Gimli?!?!?!?!
"I'm Frodo's designated guardian, and Sam insists on being near Frodo at all times. The other two hobbits are attached at the hip, and Boromir was adamant about being with hobbits...he seems to have developed an unhealthy fondness for them. I wouldn't have put him with them, except he can't be trusted with my dear Legolas, and he would team up with Gimli and eat all our supplies. Therefore, this arrangement is the best we could come up with. Besides, there's the chance that Legolas will kill Gimli, and that would be one more problem solved."
Sometimes, Aragorn's logic amazes me.
We drifted down the river in silence for a while. It was almost relaxing, really, kind of peaceful and tranquil. The soft sounds of the water rippling, the gentle motions of the canoe bobbing up and down, and the occasional birdcall were---
"I hear something in the forest," Legolas had to say, interrupting my one moment of calm. Can't I have at least ONE moment?!?!
"Wait, I think I hear something too!" Sam said, looking around. Great. Thank you, Legolas. Your paranoia is apparently contagious.
I didn't know if Aragorn was paranoid also, or if he just wanted to appease his elf-bunny, but he got everyone to paddle faster. Before long, we reached some sort of opening thing with two big stone figures on either side of it.
"It is The Argonath," Aragorn told everyone in hushed tones. "Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old."
I eyed the two statues. 'Kings of old'? Dude, your country's real old, isn't it? You've gone through two *whole* kings?
I was the only one not impressed with the statues, though. Everyone else was all "oooooooh," as we passed through the gate thing. Pfft, only the uncultured can be so easily impressed.
Beyond the big gate thing lay a long stretch of water, and beyond that was a large waterfall. And beyond *that* (what, I have good eyesight...) was a big lake. Under the instructions of Aragorn, we landed ashore for a rest. He then told us his plan. "We shall cross the lake at nightfall---" Because, y'know, it's not hard enough in the daylight, he has to up the challenge by doing it in the dark. He ignored me and continued with his plan. "---We shall hid the boats and carry on on foot. We will approach Mordor from the North."
Gimli made a derisive (and rather ugly) snorting sound. "From the North? Do you realize that we shall have to cross miles and miles of rugged wasteland, with prickly dead bushes and sharp rocks and not a living thing in sight? After that, we would have to travel on fiery terrain, and heat from the molten lava underneath the ground will melt the very soles of our shoes. Not to mention we would have to maintain constant stealth, for the Eye of Sauron will be watching for us."
"Shut up. I'll be fun!" Aragorn said, sounding disturbingly sincere about it. "And why is it that you are not dead yet? Why has Legolas not killed you?"
...Because Legolas has been way too busy suspecting foul play. Look.
Everyone turned to look. Legolas was standing a little bit apart from the rest of the group, peering intently into the woods behind us and frowning. Aragorn went over to see what's wrong, and Legolas pinned him with a stare. "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind," he said ominously.
Damn, Wonder Elf, you should really see a professional about this paranoia you have, because you're always worried about something. Like, *always*. First it was those crows, and then voices in the snow, and plus every second minute you're screaming "ORCS!!!!!!!!", and now you've got a thing about shadows. Relax, man. Chill. Pop a sedative. Have some Valium.
"Something draws near. I can feel it," Legolas continued, totally negating my advice. The hobbits start freaking out, and Aragorn knew he had to do something to contain the situation.
Minutes later, Aragorn managed to get everybody calmed down. That is to say, he took Legolas into the woods and shagged the living daylights outta him, so that he forgot everything stopped worrying everyone else.
Boromir and Aragorn pulled the whole rugged and manly thing, gathered some firewood and got a jolly ol' fire going. The Company settled down nicely. A comfortable silence fell over us. Pardon me for waxing sentimental, but there was a bit of a homey feeling there. A little warm and familiar, y'know? Because we'd been travelling together for quite a while, and even though I absolute abhor most of those wankers, they had become a bit like family. A really, really, *really* dysfunctional and incestuous family, but a family nonetheless. And the scene before me had become so normal and regular that I was almost a little tiny techy bit happy. There was Aragorn, his hair showing no sign of drying despite sitting so close to the fire, smoking his pipe. And there were Merry and Pippin, giggling while playing some sort of retarded form of tic tac toe in the dirt. And there was Boromir, watching the two hobbits while licking his lips. There were Sam and Gimli, arguing about how to cook a potato. There was Legolas, perched delicately on a log, meticulously checking his flawless locks for a split end. And then there was of course our dear Frodo, who---
Who got up and walked away from camp, and my small splinter of peace was effectively ruined for the second time that day. What gives, halfling?
"We're going for a walk."
Why?
"We need to have a talk."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Hey, don't forget to check out my fanart. You may actually see it after all this time!
Disclaimers: The following is a work of fiction, and is not intended to infringe upon the rights of any individuals, groups, or mega-corporations, living, dead, or in between. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental, and if you think you know someone in real life who is identical to someone in the following work, please be advised to stop taking hallucinogenic substances.
Chapter 27: Along the River ~ ~ ~
Finally, when I thought we'd never get away, we were officially out of the Land of the Mentally Unhinged. Which meant that my little deal with Aragorn about being nice to her while we were in her territory was *over*. I promptly launched into a long and eloquent speech, the main points of which were 1) We are NEVER going back there, 2) NEVER, you hear me? , 3) Galadriel is a fucking psycho, and 4) NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Are you quite finished?" Frodo asked me when I calmed down some.
Yes. Please let me out.
He obliged, pulling me out of his shirt and letting me breathe some fresh air, finally. I could now see that we were in a canoe on a grayish kinda sludgy-looking river, no doubt full of pollutants and mutated fish with five eyes. To our right were many trees, and to our left were...well, many more trees. How very scenic. Well, the view was no good, so I looked around to check out our canoe instead. Not surprisingly, we were with Aragorn, but what, no glossy-haired arm-candy?
"We put him in that canoe over there," Aragorn said. (I found it a little sad that he knew exactly who I was talking about.)
I looked over to the canoe he indicated, and---You put Legolas in a boat with Gimli?!?!?!?!
"I'm Frodo's designated guardian, and Sam insists on being near Frodo at all times. The other two hobbits are attached at the hip, and Boromir was adamant about being with hobbits...he seems to have developed an unhealthy fondness for them. I wouldn't have put him with them, except he can't be trusted with my dear Legolas, and he would team up with Gimli and eat all our supplies. Therefore, this arrangement is the best we could come up with. Besides, there's the chance that Legolas will kill Gimli, and that would be one more problem solved."
Sometimes, Aragorn's logic amazes me.
We drifted down the river in silence for a while. It was almost relaxing, really, kind of peaceful and tranquil. The soft sounds of the water rippling, the gentle motions of the canoe bobbing up and down, and the occasional birdcall were---
"I hear something in the forest," Legolas had to say, interrupting my one moment of calm. Can't I have at least ONE moment?!?!
"Wait, I think I hear something too!" Sam said, looking around. Great. Thank you, Legolas. Your paranoia is apparently contagious.
I didn't know if Aragorn was paranoid also, or if he just wanted to appease his elf-bunny, but he got everyone to paddle faster. Before long, we reached some sort of opening thing with two big stone figures on either side of it.
"It is The Argonath," Aragorn told everyone in hushed tones. "Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old."
I eyed the two statues. 'Kings of old'? Dude, your country's real old, isn't it? You've gone through two *whole* kings?
I was the only one not impressed with the statues, though. Everyone else was all "oooooooh," as we passed through the gate thing. Pfft, only the uncultured can be so easily impressed.
Beyond the big gate thing lay a long stretch of water, and beyond that was a large waterfall. And beyond *that* (what, I have good eyesight...) was a big lake. Under the instructions of Aragorn, we landed ashore for a rest. He then told us his plan. "We shall cross the lake at nightfall---" Because, y'know, it's not hard enough in the daylight, he has to up the challenge by doing it in the dark. He ignored me and continued with his plan. "---We shall hid the boats and carry on on foot. We will approach Mordor from the North."
Gimli made a derisive (and rather ugly) snorting sound. "From the North? Do you realize that we shall have to cross miles and miles of rugged wasteland, with prickly dead bushes and sharp rocks and not a living thing in sight? After that, we would have to travel on fiery terrain, and heat from the molten lava underneath the ground will melt the very soles of our shoes. Not to mention we would have to maintain constant stealth, for the Eye of Sauron will be watching for us."
"Shut up. I'll be fun!" Aragorn said, sounding disturbingly sincere about it. "And why is it that you are not dead yet? Why has Legolas not killed you?"
...Because Legolas has been way too busy suspecting foul play. Look.
Everyone turned to look. Legolas was standing a little bit apart from the rest of the group, peering intently into the woods behind us and frowning. Aragorn went over to see what's wrong, and Legolas pinned him with a stare. "A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind," he said ominously.
Damn, Wonder Elf, you should really see a professional about this paranoia you have, because you're always worried about something. Like, *always*. First it was those crows, and then voices in the snow, and plus every second minute you're screaming "ORCS!!!!!!!!", and now you've got a thing about shadows. Relax, man. Chill. Pop a sedative. Have some Valium.
"Something draws near. I can feel it," Legolas continued, totally negating my advice. The hobbits start freaking out, and Aragorn knew he had to do something to contain the situation.
Minutes later, Aragorn managed to get everybody calmed down. That is to say, he took Legolas into the woods and shagged the living daylights outta him, so that he forgot everything stopped worrying everyone else.
Boromir and Aragorn pulled the whole rugged and manly thing, gathered some firewood and got a jolly ol' fire going. The Company settled down nicely. A comfortable silence fell over us. Pardon me for waxing sentimental, but there was a bit of a homey feeling there. A little warm and familiar, y'know? Because we'd been travelling together for quite a while, and even though I absolute abhor most of those wankers, they had become a bit like family. A really, really, *really* dysfunctional and incestuous family, but a family nonetheless. And the scene before me had become so normal and regular that I was almost a little tiny techy bit happy. There was Aragorn, his hair showing no sign of drying despite sitting so close to the fire, smoking his pipe. And there were Merry and Pippin, giggling while playing some sort of retarded form of tic tac toe in the dirt. And there was Boromir, watching the two hobbits while licking his lips. There were Sam and Gimli, arguing about how to cook a potato. There was Legolas, perched delicately on a log, meticulously checking his flawless locks for a split end. And then there was of course our dear Frodo, who---
Who got up and walked away from camp, and my small splinter of peace was effectively ruined for the second time that day. What gives, halfling?
"We're going for a walk."
Why?
"We need to have a talk."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ TBC
Hey, don't forget to check out my fanart. You may actually see it after all this time!