A/N: So. This is the last chapter. After this, we move onto a whole new
series for book two. I'd like to thank everyone who has stuck with me
through this whole thing, putting up with the lateness of my updates and
the longness of my author's notes. Special thanks go out to everyone who
has ever taken time to review. And extra special thanks go out to Manda
and Chaosti---the first for helping me keep track of everything, and the
second for being there since before Al came along. Now, if everyone will
kindly direct their attention to my review counter, you'll see that I am at
the cusp of reaching 200. Please help me reach the big two-oh-oh: for the
love of Tolkein, REVIEW!
Additional notes: I'll never understand why ff.net does what it does. Whatever it is they've done this time, they've made it so that I can't use like half of the symbols anymore. There will be no more of those wiggly thingies at the end of every chapter, nor will there be asterisks/stars to denote bold words. I'll just be using a lot of dashes and equal signs, now. Damn, and I liked the asterisks, too...equal signs look retarded. I'll be using them for emphasis, though, like =this=. They're better than capitalization, because that looks more like yelling. Also, and I've mentioned this before, but since this is the last chapter, it's a Very Special one. It's long. And...well, that's about it. It's long, and it's damn good, so sit back and enjoy.
Disclaimers: I'm just playing...they still belong to J.R.R.
Chapter 30: End of the First Book - - -
Frodo held his breath, waiting for Aragorn to say something. It was very tense. I would've held my breath too, except I don't have lungs, so that wouldn't have worked out too well. But I digress. Actually, I had plenty of time to digress, because the wet Ranger was taking a really, reeeally long time to respond.
"I had suspected as much," Aragorn said at last, with a heavy sigh and a solemn nod.
...Wait...What?!?!?! What the hell are you talking about, Strider? Has all that water finally soaked through your scalp and drowned your brain? You want to kill me, remember? K-I-L-L. That's why we set out on this long journey. So you can play the "manly hero" and kill an innocent ring. You have not been "suspecting as much," as you claim you have.
"Yes I have," Aragorn countered. "In fact, Legolas and I have been discussing the matter lately. Through out our journey, we have both come to note that you seemed to share some sort of pact with Gandalf. Since his fall into Shadow, we have begun to suspect that perhaps you are not as you seem."
Wait. See, that just pisses me off even more than when people insist I'm evil. What you're basically saying is, "Oh, we've known for a long time that you're not evil, but we haven't said anything about it, and I've continued to lead a group dedicated to your demise." Am I the only one who finds that really, really fucking cruel?
Aragorn sighed. "It is unjustifiably cruel to you, Ring, and for that I am truly sorry. But you must understand that things are not that simple. Even though you have no evil powers, you still represent the epitome of all that is evil in this world. In order to bring peace back to the land, the peoples must see this evil symbolically destroyed."
This is the second time I've heard this speech, and I hate it even more than the first time around. Because it involves me dying, even though my killers know it's pointless. How come things can't be that simple? Why can't you just tell "the peoples" that they've got the wrong idea? I mean, c'mon, you're gonna be king someday, and---
He began to protest, "I will not---"
Shut up, Aragorn. Don't deny it. I read the newspapers. I keep up with politics. I know that you're gonna be king someday. So when you're king, you can just royally decree that I'm not evil or whatever, and then all our problems will be solved!
"The peoples will think that I have been taken in by the influence of the Ring. They will think that I do not want to destroy you, because you give me my kingly powers. There will be those who seek to own that power. Civil war will break out, the land will be torn by conflict. This plan of yours would never work. Besides," he added, "I have no plans to accept the throne."
Okay, first of all, what the fuck is up with your king-denial??? Do you know how many people would give anything just to have the rights to the throne?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?!?! And secondly, I HATE YOU. Not you specifically, of course. That comment was directed at the populated land as a whole. I. Fucking. HATE. Everyone. I hate being their scapegoat, and I hate that they can't solve their own problems, and I really hate that they think killing me is the way out.
I could see that my rant had had an effect on the King-to-be. His expression changed, and he was about to say something, but Frodo interrupted.
"I hate to be a bother, as I can see that this is important, but I really must intrude." He waited until he had our full attention, then pulled out his glowing blue sword. "To quote Legolas, ORCS!!!!!"
Like Pavlov's dog responding to a bell, Aragorn responded to that magic word without a second thought. In a flash, he had his big sword ripped out, ready to spill orc-blood all over the ground. He turned to Frodo, eyes serious. "Frodo, you must leave. Take the Ring with you, and fly."
Frodo looked up at the Ranger, equally somber. "I have to go alone. The others would never understand...especially Sam. He would just think that the power of the Ring has overtaken me. I must go alone and think of a way to save both the Ring and the free world, without having to compromise either one."
I sent a quick word of thanks to all the levels of heaven, hell, and everything in between. Finally, they were coming to their senses!!!
Not too far off, dark forms began to move out from the shadows of the forest. "May good fortune smile down upon you," were Aragorn's parting words, before he turned to engage in his favourite past time: yay, looking rugged and manly while wielding a large weapon and raining violence upon the unfortunate.
Frodo turned and ran. "I feel a little cowardly, abandoning my friends in a time of need," he commented as he ran.
I guess you should've thought about that before you dragged them into this whole 'let's kill the ring' adventure, hmm?
"Right, make this my fault, as though I don't have enough to worry about," he muttered.
Well, it certainly ain't my fault. And I think I have more to worry about than you, thankyouverymuch. At least you're seen as the good guy in popular opinion.
Frodo slid down a grassy hill and quickly hid behind a tree. "I am so not playing the one-upping game with you right now," he said, then tucked me into his shirt. Before I could protest, he shushed me. "This is serious now, Ring. One noise from you could mean death for the both of us."
Well, that shut me up right quick. Frodo carefully peered around the tree's broad trunk. Aragorn was still stabbing away, and Legolas and Gimli had joined him. Legolas looked like he was in a state of absolute bliss, repeatedly plunging his arrows into evil monsters. It made me wonder about what constituted as a date for the two of them. Like, do they go out for romantic, candle-lit dinners where they hunt, stab, and kill their own meat? Or maybe they frequent archery ranges where the targets are all stuffed orcs. Do they ever integrate orc costumes and role-playing in the bed---
"Psst! Frodo!"
I will be forever grateful to Pippin and Merry, for interrupting me before my mind could go down =that= path.
Frodo turned. The two littlest hobbits were tucked into some sort of hollow. "You can hide here!" Merry said to Frodo, delighted with himself for having thought of such a brilliant idea. Frodo shook his head and mouthed "I can't." Merry and Pippin looked confused. Frodo attempted to communicate, in signs and mouthed words, that he had to go on by himself, and that he had to carry the burden of the Ring alone, and that he would reach Mount Doom without their help. Merry and Pippin continued to look confused.
This could take a while.
Finally, they got the general gist of the first part of it. They understood, more or less, that Frodo was going off with no one but me. They also saw that we couldn't escape alive at the moment, because an orc army was chasing us. Merry and Pippin, bless them, weren't awfully smart, but they were brave. They jumped up from their hollow, waving their arms and screaming, diverting attention away from us. Immediately, all the Orcs turned towards them. The hobbits lead them away from us.
"Okay, now I really feel like a coward," Frodo said, getting up and running in the direction of the river.
Oh, not this again. Look, your alternative is staying here, getting stabbed, being responsible for my death, and then being responsible for the war between Sauron and the "Free Peoples" that will undoubtedly ensue.
"Well, when you put it that way..."
Frodo managed to get us all the way to the river without getting shot. He clambered gracelessly into one of the boats and pushed off. I heaved a sigh of relief.
"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" an annoyingly familiar voice grated on my nerves. Sam. I groaned and let out a long string of creative curses.
Just keep paddling, Frodo. Remember, you were going to leave him behind anyway. Just stick with the original plan, and for godsakes, do not stop paddling.
Frodo followed my advice, paddling urgently. Sam ran to the water's edge. "Mr. Frooooodoooooooo!!!" he called.
"Stay back, Sam!" Frodo ordered him.
Nooo!!!!! Ignore him, Frodo, ignore him! You really shouldn't have acknowledged him...he's like a stray cat---feed him once, and he'll never go away. Now that you've recognized his existence, he's gonna keep at it. See?!
Sam had jumped into the river. He swam pathetically towards our boat, arms and legs flailing.
"Sam! You can't swim!"
Fuck, Frodo, don't you know what the word 'ignore' means?
But it was too late. Frodo, seeing that Sam wasn't doing too well (by that, I mean Sam was completely submerged and not breathing...), immediately took it upon himself to do the heroic thing. Christ. Sometimes, he's so predictable, it makes me want to eviscerate myself. Like, do you really have to go and throw yourself into the river in order to rescue someone who's just gonna try to rape you in the future? And more importantly, do you have to drag me with you?!?!?!
Frodo dove deep into the water, with me still around his neck. He grabbed Sam, hauled him into the boat, then climbed in himself. The three of us sat, spluttering, cold and wet.
Dammit, Frodo, I can't believe you just went and did that!!!!! I really did =not= fucking appreciate that little caper in the water. Oh my god, what if I oxidize?!?!?! You really should've just let him drown.
"He's my =friend=, Ring. You can't just let your friends drown."
"Don't waste your breath explaining to the Evil Ring, Mr. Frodo, because it won't understand. It has no friends."
Why you little---
"It's just angry that you managed to resist its powerful Voice," Sam continued, sickeningly obsequious.
Stop sucking up to Frodo! Can't you see he's not interested? He's been resisting your advances since the beginning of this trip, and you know why? Because you're ugly!!!!!!! And you smell bad!
"=I'm= ugly? Have you seen yourself? You don't even have facial features!"
Frodo sighed and rubbed his temples. "Children. Please. I'm already feeling bad enough about leaving the Company behind to fend for themselves. I beg you to give me a few moments of peace."
If you're just feeling bad about that, I can always take a look for you, see how they're doing. And then I shot a sideways look at Sam...ha, I can do telepathic favours for Frodo. Beat that, fat hobbit!
Sam growled, but Frodo was all for it. I took a deep breath and concentrated.
Okay, um, right now, they're killing orcs. Exactly like they were doing ten minutes ago, when we left them. Except...ooh. Boromir just got shot. Dammit, they shot Boromir without me! Okay, so yeah, he's down. Let's see...we've also got your hobbit friends. Oh no. It seems that Boromir's death wasn't entirely a good thing after all---imagine that. Boromir was actually defending Merry and Pippin. Now that he's incapacitated, the orcs have got them.
"What?!"
The orcs. They've taked Merry and Pippin.
"WHAT?!"
The orcs---look, Frodo, do you really need me to repeat that? Or are you just lacking something else to say?
"Yeah, don't repeat that. I---I just can't believe that I left my friends to such a fate!" He wrestled with his guilt, then came to a conclusion. "We have to go back. We must help them."
Before I could protest, Sam beat me to the punch. "No, Mr. Frodo! It isn't wise! It's obviously just a ploy...the Ring would do anything to get you to turn from your quest. We must hold true to our objectives!"
Shut the fuck up, Sam. First of all, that's so not true. I don't want Frodo to go back either. I'd rather take my chances out here. And second, I'm not lying, because if I were, I'd make up something ten times better than a kidnapping. Kidnappings are so overdone---I'd be more original, and make up something big and dramatic and convincing. Besides, it doesn't matter whether you believe me. The problem is being taken care of.
"What?"
Boy, that's your new favourite word, huh?
Frodo spared a moment to roll his eyes at me, then said "No, really, what do you mean?"
I mean you don't have to worry about the Merry and Pippin situation anymore. Aragorn and Legolas are off to take care of it. Gimli's tagging along, too. Which, okay, is probably a bad thing, but Aragorn's and Legolas's enthusiasm for the sport of orc-stabbing more than makes up for any inefficiency on the part of Gimli. Oh, Boromir's dead, by the way.
"Wha---" Frodo caught himself. "Um, pardon?"
Boromir. The fucker went and died without letting me watch! And to make sure he's really dead and stays that way, Aragorn strapped him to a raft and sent him off a waterfall. Wise decision on his part, if you ask me.
Frodo looked confused. "I'm sorry, but your narrative is a bit disjointed. You've lost me."
Well sor-ry. You wanna try and take a look with your mind's eye at something several miles away? And through dense foliage, too. I'd like to see you do better.
Sam got ready to snark something in response, but Frodo placed a hand on his arm to still him. He was too distracted by the fact that Frodo was touching—touching!—him to do anything else other than drool. Frodo quickly took his hand away.
"Ring, I am simply asking you, in a civilized and polite manner, to summarize what has befallen our friends in a coherent fashion," Frodo said patiently.
Well, when you ask so nicely, how can I refuse? Merry and Pippin, as of this moment, are tied up in sack cloth and are being carried over the rolling countryside by what is left of the orc army. Meanwhile, our dear Ranger and his elf-muffin are tracking them, and slowly but surely gaining on them. Gimli is trailing behind, for lack of anything else to do. Is it quite clear now?
"Crystal clear. Thank you." There was a pause. "If we could continue speaking to each other like this, for the rest of our journey, I believe we'll get along quite well."
"Or," Sam suggested, "the Ring could just not speak to us at all."
'Us'? As in you, plural? Okay, that can be arranged. I'll just talk to Frodo and ignore you. But only if you promise to ignore me back.
Sam huffed, then discreetly gave me the finger.
It was at that moment, stuck in a small boat with two hobbits (one of which was flipping me off); surrounded by nothing but water as far as the eye could see; the shadow of Mount Doom looming in the distance; that it hit me.
This was gonna be one looooooooooooong trip.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
End Part I ::bows::
ps- Mark your calendars! The first chapter of "Alfonso the Ring: Part II" will be posted on the evening of July the 13th. Don't you dare miss it!
Additional notes: I'll never understand why ff.net does what it does. Whatever it is they've done this time, they've made it so that I can't use like half of the symbols anymore. There will be no more of those wiggly thingies at the end of every chapter, nor will there be asterisks/stars to denote bold words. I'll just be using a lot of dashes and equal signs, now. Damn, and I liked the asterisks, too...equal signs look retarded. I'll be using them for emphasis, though, like =this=. They're better than capitalization, because that looks more like yelling. Also, and I've mentioned this before, but since this is the last chapter, it's a Very Special one. It's long. And...well, that's about it. It's long, and it's damn good, so sit back and enjoy.
Disclaimers: I'm just playing...they still belong to J.R.R.
Chapter 30: End of the First Book - - -
Frodo held his breath, waiting for Aragorn to say something. It was very tense. I would've held my breath too, except I don't have lungs, so that wouldn't have worked out too well. But I digress. Actually, I had plenty of time to digress, because the wet Ranger was taking a really, reeeally long time to respond.
"I had suspected as much," Aragorn said at last, with a heavy sigh and a solemn nod.
...Wait...What?!?!?! What the hell are you talking about, Strider? Has all that water finally soaked through your scalp and drowned your brain? You want to kill me, remember? K-I-L-L. That's why we set out on this long journey. So you can play the "manly hero" and kill an innocent ring. You have not been "suspecting as much," as you claim you have.
"Yes I have," Aragorn countered. "In fact, Legolas and I have been discussing the matter lately. Through out our journey, we have both come to note that you seemed to share some sort of pact with Gandalf. Since his fall into Shadow, we have begun to suspect that perhaps you are not as you seem."
Wait. See, that just pisses me off even more than when people insist I'm evil. What you're basically saying is, "Oh, we've known for a long time that you're not evil, but we haven't said anything about it, and I've continued to lead a group dedicated to your demise." Am I the only one who finds that really, really fucking cruel?
Aragorn sighed. "It is unjustifiably cruel to you, Ring, and for that I am truly sorry. But you must understand that things are not that simple. Even though you have no evil powers, you still represent the epitome of all that is evil in this world. In order to bring peace back to the land, the peoples must see this evil symbolically destroyed."
This is the second time I've heard this speech, and I hate it even more than the first time around. Because it involves me dying, even though my killers know it's pointless. How come things can't be that simple? Why can't you just tell "the peoples" that they've got the wrong idea? I mean, c'mon, you're gonna be king someday, and---
He began to protest, "I will not---"
Shut up, Aragorn. Don't deny it. I read the newspapers. I keep up with politics. I know that you're gonna be king someday. So when you're king, you can just royally decree that I'm not evil or whatever, and then all our problems will be solved!
"The peoples will think that I have been taken in by the influence of the Ring. They will think that I do not want to destroy you, because you give me my kingly powers. There will be those who seek to own that power. Civil war will break out, the land will be torn by conflict. This plan of yours would never work. Besides," he added, "I have no plans to accept the throne."
Okay, first of all, what the fuck is up with your king-denial??? Do you know how many people would give anything just to have the rights to the throne?! What the hell's wrong with you?!?!?! And secondly, I HATE YOU. Not you specifically, of course. That comment was directed at the populated land as a whole. I. Fucking. HATE. Everyone. I hate being their scapegoat, and I hate that they can't solve their own problems, and I really hate that they think killing me is the way out.
I could see that my rant had had an effect on the King-to-be. His expression changed, and he was about to say something, but Frodo interrupted.
"I hate to be a bother, as I can see that this is important, but I really must intrude." He waited until he had our full attention, then pulled out his glowing blue sword. "To quote Legolas, ORCS!!!!!"
Like Pavlov's dog responding to a bell, Aragorn responded to that magic word without a second thought. In a flash, he had his big sword ripped out, ready to spill orc-blood all over the ground. He turned to Frodo, eyes serious. "Frodo, you must leave. Take the Ring with you, and fly."
Frodo looked up at the Ranger, equally somber. "I have to go alone. The others would never understand...especially Sam. He would just think that the power of the Ring has overtaken me. I must go alone and think of a way to save both the Ring and the free world, without having to compromise either one."
I sent a quick word of thanks to all the levels of heaven, hell, and everything in between. Finally, they were coming to their senses!!!
Not too far off, dark forms began to move out from the shadows of the forest. "May good fortune smile down upon you," were Aragorn's parting words, before he turned to engage in his favourite past time: yay, looking rugged and manly while wielding a large weapon and raining violence upon the unfortunate.
Frodo turned and ran. "I feel a little cowardly, abandoning my friends in a time of need," he commented as he ran.
I guess you should've thought about that before you dragged them into this whole 'let's kill the ring' adventure, hmm?
"Right, make this my fault, as though I don't have enough to worry about," he muttered.
Well, it certainly ain't my fault. And I think I have more to worry about than you, thankyouverymuch. At least you're seen as the good guy in popular opinion.
Frodo slid down a grassy hill and quickly hid behind a tree. "I am so not playing the one-upping game with you right now," he said, then tucked me into his shirt. Before I could protest, he shushed me. "This is serious now, Ring. One noise from you could mean death for the both of us."
Well, that shut me up right quick. Frodo carefully peered around the tree's broad trunk. Aragorn was still stabbing away, and Legolas and Gimli had joined him. Legolas looked like he was in a state of absolute bliss, repeatedly plunging his arrows into evil monsters. It made me wonder about what constituted as a date for the two of them. Like, do they go out for romantic, candle-lit dinners where they hunt, stab, and kill their own meat? Or maybe they frequent archery ranges where the targets are all stuffed orcs. Do they ever integrate orc costumes and role-playing in the bed---
"Psst! Frodo!"
I will be forever grateful to Pippin and Merry, for interrupting me before my mind could go down =that= path.
Frodo turned. The two littlest hobbits were tucked into some sort of hollow. "You can hide here!" Merry said to Frodo, delighted with himself for having thought of such a brilliant idea. Frodo shook his head and mouthed "I can't." Merry and Pippin looked confused. Frodo attempted to communicate, in signs and mouthed words, that he had to go on by himself, and that he had to carry the burden of the Ring alone, and that he would reach Mount Doom without their help. Merry and Pippin continued to look confused.
This could take a while.
Finally, they got the general gist of the first part of it. They understood, more or less, that Frodo was going off with no one but me. They also saw that we couldn't escape alive at the moment, because an orc army was chasing us. Merry and Pippin, bless them, weren't awfully smart, but they were brave. They jumped up from their hollow, waving their arms and screaming, diverting attention away from us. Immediately, all the Orcs turned towards them. The hobbits lead them away from us.
"Okay, now I really feel like a coward," Frodo said, getting up and running in the direction of the river.
Oh, not this again. Look, your alternative is staying here, getting stabbed, being responsible for my death, and then being responsible for the war between Sauron and the "Free Peoples" that will undoubtedly ensue.
"Well, when you put it that way..."
Frodo managed to get us all the way to the river without getting shot. He clambered gracelessly into one of the boats and pushed off. I heaved a sigh of relief.
"Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!" an annoyingly familiar voice grated on my nerves. Sam. I groaned and let out a long string of creative curses.
Just keep paddling, Frodo. Remember, you were going to leave him behind anyway. Just stick with the original plan, and for godsakes, do not stop paddling.
Frodo followed my advice, paddling urgently. Sam ran to the water's edge. "Mr. Frooooodoooooooo!!!" he called.
"Stay back, Sam!" Frodo ordered him.
Nooo!!!!! Ignore him, Frodo, ignore him! You really shouldn't have acknowledged him...he's like a stray cat---feed him once, and he'll never go away. Now that you've recognized his existence, he's gonna keep at it. See?!
Sam had jumped into the river. He swam pathetically towards our boat, arms and legs flailing.
"Sam! You can't swim!"
Fuck, Frodo, don't you know what the word 'ignore' means?
But it was too late. Frodo, seeing that Sam wasn't doing too well (by that, I mean Sam was completely submerged and not breathing...), immediately took it upon himself to do the heroic thing. Christ. Sometimes, he's so predictable, it makes me want to eviscerate myself. Like, do you really have to go and throw yourself into the river in order to rescue someone who's just gonna try to rape you in the future? And more importantly, do you have to drag me with you?!?!?!
Frodo dove deep into the water, with me still around his neck. He grabbed Sam, hauled him into the boat, then climbed in himself. The three of us sat, spluttering, cold and wet.
Dammit, Frodo, I can't believe you just went and did that!!!!! I really did =not= fucking appreciate that little caper in the water. Oh my god, what if I oxidize?!?!?! You really should've just let him drown.
"He's my =friend=, Ring. You can't just let your friends drown."
"Don't waste your breath explaining to the Evil Ring, Mr. Frodo, because it won't understand. It has no friends."
Why you little---
"It's just angry that you managed to resist its powerful Voice," Sam continued, sickeningly obsequious.
Stop sucking up to Frodo! Can't you see he's not interested? He's been resisting your advances since the beginning of this trip, and you know why? Because you're ugly!!!!!!! And you smell bad!
"=I'm= ugly? Have you seen yourself? You don't even have facial features!"
Frodo sighed and rubbed his temples. "Children. Please. I'm already feeling bad enough about leaving the Company behind to fend for themselves. I beg you to give me a few moments of peace."
If you're just feeling bad about that, I can always take a look for you, see how they're doing. And then I shot a sideways look at Sam...ha, I can do telepathic favours for Frodo. Beat that, fat hobbit!
Sam growled, but Frodo was all for it. I took a deep breath and concentrated.
Okay, um, right now, they're killing orcs. Exactly like they were doing ten minutes ago, when we left them. Except...ooh. Boromir just got shot. Dammit, they shot Boromir without me! Okay, so yeah, he's down. Let's see...we've also got your hobbit friends. Oh no. It seems that Boromir's death wasn't entirely a good thing after all---imagine that. Boromir was actually defending Merry and Pippin. Now that he's incapacitated, the orcs have got them.
"What?!"
The orcs. They've taked Merry and Pippin.
"WHAT?!"
The orcs---look, Frodo, do you really need me to repeat that? Or are you just lacking something else to say?
"Yeah, don't repeat that. I---I just can't believe that I left my friends to such a fate!" He wrestled with his guilt, then came to a conclusion. "We have to go back. We must help them."
Before I could protest, Sam beat me to the punch. "No, Mr. Frodo! It isn't wise! It's obviously just a ploy...the Ring would do anything to get you to turn from your quest. We must hold true to our objectives!"
Shut the fuck up, Sam. First of all, that's so not true. I don't want Frodo to go back either. I'd rather take my chances out here. And second, I'm not lying, because if I were, I'd make up something ten times better than a kidnapping. Kidnappings are so overdone---I'd be more original, and make up something big and dramatic and convincing. Besides, it doesn't matter whether you believe me. The problem is being taken care of.
"What?"
Boy, that's your new favourite word, huh?
Frodo spared a moment to roll his eyes at me, then said "No, really, what do you mean?"
I mean you don't have to worry about the Merry and Pippin situation anymore. Aragorn and Legolas are off to take care of it. Gimli's tagging along, too. Which, okay, is probably a bad thing, but Aragorn's and Legolas's enthusiasm for the sport of orc-stabbing more than makes up for any inefficiency on the part of Gimli. Oh, Boromir's dead, by the way.
"Wha---" Frodo caught himself. "Um, pardon?"
Boromir. The fucker went and died without letting me watch! And to make sure he's really dead and stays that way, Aragorn strapped him to a raft and sent him off a waterfall. Wise decision on his part, if you ask me.
Frodo looked confused. "I'm sorry, but your narrative is a bit disjointed. You've lost me."
Well sor-ry. You wanna try and take a look with your mind's eye at something several miles away? And through dense foliage, too. I'd like to see you do better.
Sam got ready to snark something in response, but Frodo placed a hand on his arm to still him. He was too distracted by the fact that Frodo was touching—touching!—him to do anything else other than drool. Frodo quickly took his hand away.
"Ring, I am simply asking you, in a civilized and polite manner, to summarize what has befallen our friends in a coherent fashion," Frodo said patiently.
Well, when you ask so nicely, how can I refuse? Merry and Pippin, as of this moment, are tied up in sack cloth and are being carried over the rolling countryside by what is left of the orc army. Meanwhile, our dear Ranger and his elf-muffin are tracking them, and slowly but surely gaining on them. Gimli is trailing behind, for lack of anything else to do. Is it quite clear now?
"Crystal clear. Thank you." There was a pause. "If we could continue speaking to each other like this, for the rest of our journey, I believe we'll get along quite well."
"Or," Sam suggested, "the Ring could just not speak to us at all."
'Us'? As in you, plural? Okay, that can be arranged. I'll just talk to Frodo and ignore you. But only if you promise to ignore me back.
Sam huffed, then discreetly gave me the finger.
It was at that moment, stuck in a small boat with two hobbits (one of which was flipping me off); surrounded by nothing but water as far as the eye could see; the shadow of Mount Doom looming in the distance; that it hit me.
This was gonna be one looooooooooooong trip.
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End Part I ::bows::
ps- Mark your calendars! The first chapter of "Alfonso the Ring: Part II" will be posted on the evening of July the 13th. Don't you dare miss it!