"Dumply-Dumbles!" screeched Harry, "These brutes are breaking and entering!"

Dumbledore chuckled, "No, no, Harry, they are clearly new students." The fellowship looked confused, Harry looked upset, and Malfoy could see the wheels turning in Dumbledore's head. "However, it is necessary that they be sorted into houses by The Great Sorting Hat!" The hat appeared out of nowhere with a sound like a computer when it's being turned on. Dumbledore unrolled a scroll and called out names. "Aragorn –!"a broom whizzed by and his last name could not be heard. Aragorn sat on the stool and began trembling like a thing that trembles.

"AAAAAhhhhh..." began The Great Sorting Hat, "Very good at sword fighting, potentially dangerous, hmmm... GRIFFINDOR!" Aragorn leaped up and sprinted into a random dungeon, then he went to stand next to Harry.

"Frodo Baggins!" Frodo waddled to the stool (still covered in smoldering poo) and struggled to scale it. The hobbits quickly rigged up an elaborate system of pulleys and hoisted him onto the stool.

"Hmmm, very short, very short indeed. I know just where to put you! HUFFLE!puff." Frodo squelched off the stool and sat dejectedly in the corner. Dumbledore decided to switch around the list order so all the hobbits could go in a row so they wouldn't have to takedown the elaborate system of pulleys.

"Sam Gamgee!"

"This is a no-brainer, all gardeners go to Hufflepuff."

"Pippin Took!"

"HUFFLE!"

"Merry-"

"HUFFLE!" Boromir went to Griffindor with Aragorn, Gandalf went to Ravenclaw, and Legolas and Gimli went to Slytherin with Malfoy (nobody quite understood that logic). They all traipsed along to their common rooms.

IN THE GRIFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

"This is enjoyment!" screamed Boromir as he hurled himself through the portrait hole.

"What are you talking about? This sucks," Aragorn countered," we must find a way to escape!" his voice lowered slightly and he said dramatically, "The fate of Middle Earth depends on it!" he then had a hacking fit.

"So what are we going to do?" asked Boromir, "Dumbly-whatever seemed pretty spiffed up about us being here."

"I know-HACK-that's what I'm so-HACK- worried a-HACK-bout. HACK!"

"Well I don't know about you," said Boromir," but I'm going to sleep." He pulled a stuffed bunny out of his pocket and curled up with it. Soon massive snores were in the air and no one could sleep until Hermione whacked him over the head with her wand while chanting some incantation. Aragorn sat in a chair looking melodramatically at the fire while thinking about how his planned vacation to the famed Middle Earth Spa was going to be canceled because of this.

IN THE HUFFLEPUFF COMMON ROOM

"I'm hungry!" whined Pippin.

"I'm hungrier!" protested Merry.

"I know!" shrieked Frodo, "Let's order pizza!"

"Yay! You aren't allowed to order it though," said Sam.

"Why not?" pouted Frodo.

"Because you suck!" yelled Merry jumping in front of Frodo and waggling a finger in front of his face. Merry then began to cackle like a madman.

"Because you have flaming stag crap on your tunic, dur." Replied Sam tying a pizza order onto a random owl. "Away!" Sam said softly to the beautiful bird. It hooted happily and soared out the window... WHAM! ...headlong into a tree.

"This burning stag poo is quickly becoming a problem," said Pippin, trying to sound smart.

"What to do, what to do, what to do?!? This is such a difficult problem I can't even think!!!" wailed Frodo.

"Maybe we could find some Q-tips, mark out strategic points, drill with a 1/8 inch drill bit, tunnel our way through with our homemade shovels, puncture the surface with toothbrushes sharpened to a point, do an army crawl and emerge victors!" exclaimed Merry finally coming to his senses (or something).

"Maybe," said Frodo, "but it might be difficult to find Q-tips." They pondered and pondered and pondered some more.

IN THE RAVENCLAW COMMON ROOM

"What's with the old guy?" inquired a confused Ravenclaw.

"I'm not old! I'm cool! ...And hip! ...And rad! Watch me!" Gandalf began attempting the worm and failed miserably.

"Let's kick the old guy!" announced the confused Ravenclaw. There was a kicking fest. Enough said.

IN THE SLYTHERIN COMMON ROOM

Legolas and Gimli were having a considerably better time in Slytherin than any other members of the fellowship were having in their houses. Well, at least Gimli was. He had a circle of girls around him because the Slytherin girls were so ugly that Gimli was the only one who would even talk to them voluntarily. Legolas decided to hang out with Malfoy in order to escape the drool (from the rest of the female Slytherin population). As they stood in the corner armed with bow and wand, they heard snatches of conversation from the advancing female army.

"He's really hot."

"I know! And his ears are really pointy!"

"He's hotter than Malfoy!"

"He's hotter than the sun!"

"He's hotter than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest!" At that, Legolas shifted uncomfortably and tightened his grip on the bow.

And there we leave them for now. Aragorn and Boromir plotting escape. The hobbits trying to find a way to get rid of the poo. Gandalf being kicked mercilessly. Gimli, having his way with the ladies. And Legolas trying not to let the ladies have their way with him. See what happens in the next chapter of Lederhosen.