**
~Chapter Eleven~
Tonks sat alone next to Remus' body, which Dumbledore had brought back to Grimmauld Place. They were going to bury him the next day, next to Lily and James.
-Poor Harry...- Tonks thought, wiping her eyes. She didn't want to admit, even to herself that she was missing Remus horribly. She still hadn't eaten, or thrown out, the hummus she saved for him. -He must feel horrible. Losing his parents, then his godfather, and now the only person who was the closest he had to true family.-
"Why did you go, Remus?" she said aloud, unaware that she was doing so. "Why did you leave us? Why did you leave-" she stopped, and jumped up out of her chair, landing on the bed next to Remus' body. Molly had just walked in the door and nearly dropped the pot of tea she had been carrying.
"TONKS?! What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
"I just saw him move his head."
**
The pain in Remus' head was excruciating. Every bone and muscle in his body protested violently as he tried to move. Muffled voices tried to penetrate his brain, though he couldn't exactly tell who they belonged to.
"W-what's going on?" he tried to ask, but all he got in reply were two excited screams.
"REMUS!!" a girl cried, and he felt himself being pulled upwards. Opening one eye, he focused groggily on her face. Bubble gum pink hair stood straight up on her head, and dark black eyes stared excitedly at him. "Oh, Remus, you're alive!"
Molly suddenly burst into tears, and ran out of the room.
"What's going on?" Remus said a little more clearly.
"You're alive! You're alive!" Tonks repeated, hugging Remus' tight. "You're not dead, you're alive! I thought I'd lost you!"
"Where am I?" he asked confused.
"Grimmauld Place, the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Oh, you're alive!" Tonks cried happily.
Remus sighed, and tried to lift himself into a sitting position. He fell back, unable to even sit up. Disbelief was etched across his face. He was alive. Angry tears stung the corner of his eyes, and rolled down his cheeks, yet he couldn't even turn his face to hide them from Tonks, who was watching him with a worried expression.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Happiness was fighting with worry for control of her. Remus said nothing. "Hey, you! What's the matter? Are you hurting?"
Again Remus said nothing. How could he explain to her how he felt? Yes, he was in physical pain, even his fingernails hurt, but the emotional torment he was going through was almost unbearable. Guilt stormed over him. Guilt for not killing Bellatrix, guilt at being happy when he was dead, guilt for not giving a rat's ass whether or not Harry needed him, just as long as he, Remus, was with Sirius. And swimming just below the surface of guolt was an enormously heavy, despairing sadness. He got to be with Sirius again, yet he couldn't stay. Why the hell did Sirius send him back?
"I er...saved you some hummus...if, er, you want..."Tonks said, smiling feebly.
"No," Remus snapped angrily. He could barely lift his hands to dry his face. "Go..."
Tonks face fell, all the joy she had felt fleeing as fast as a mouse when a cat approached. "Are you sure you don't want anything? Medicine? Molly has-"
"Go away, Nymphadora! Leave me be!" Remus glared. Tonks staggered as though she had been slapped in the face. Nobody called her by her first name like that. She stared at Remus, who stared moodily at the ceiling, a look of pain and confusion on her face, then turned and fled out of the room.
**
"Wow, Professor Lupin, I never thought you could be a complete git," Ginny said idly as she and Hermione walked into the room, a tea tray in hand.
"Why won't people leave me alone?" he exclaimed, rolling his eyes.
"Hmmm...let me think," Hermione said smiling. "We all thought you were dead, but you aren't. So naturally, we're happy." She glanced at Ginny. "Well, except for Tonks. She's locked herself in the study."
"What does she have to be uspet about?" he asked stupidly. "She's not the one who was happy to be dead, but was sent back to this place!"
Ginny rolled her eyes, looking to Hermione to see if she knew what chromosome caused the human male to be so oblivious. Must be the testosterone, Hermione mouthed. "Here, Mum would flay us alive if we didn't at least offer you some tea." Ginny held out a cup for him, which he ignored. "Here!"
"I don't want tea! All I want is to be left alone! What don't you people get about that? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive!" he yelled, hating everybody. He hated Hermione. He hated Ginny. He hated Tonks. He hated Dumbledore, and Harry, and everybody in the Order.
"But, what about the Order? What about stopping V-Voldemort?" Hermione asked dumbfounded. "What about Harry?"
"Screw Harry! Screw the Order! Screw Voldemort! Screw the whole damn world! It's not like they've done anything for me!"
"That is the most selfish thing I have heard anybody say..." Ginny said, wide-eyed in amazement.
"I'M ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH!!" Remus exploded. "Nobody cares how Remus feels or what Remus wants! Remus doesn't have a real life, he doesn't have a family, he doesn't have anybody who truly cares about him, so we can send him off on the most dangerous missions because nobody would miss him!"
"That's not true," Hermione whispered.
"Really?" he asked bitterly. "Who really cares about me?"
"Sirius..."
Remus avoided both girls eyes. The three sat in awkward silence, until finally, "Well, I still think you should apologize to Tonks. She cares about you, too," said Ginny. She and Hermione walked out of the room, shutting the rickety old door behind them.
-What do they know?- Remus thought moodily. But then he thought about Tonks, and how sweet she was, and a strange feeling came over him. Maybe he should apologize... suddenly sadness swept over him, bringing tears to his eyes. -Why did you do this to me, Padfoot?-
Exhausted from physical and mental stress, he closed his eyes, and hoping that sleep would bring him a repose from this emotional whirlwind he was stuck in, fell asleep.
**
~Chapter Eleven~
Tonks sat alone next to Remus' body, which Dumbledore had brought back to Grimmauld Place. They were going to bury him the next day, next to Lily and James.
-Poor Harry...- Tonks thought, wiping her eyes. She didn't want to admit, even to herself that she was missing Remus horribly. She still hadn't eaten, or thrown out, the hummus she saved for him. -He must feel horrible. Losing his parents, then his godfather, and now the only person who was the closest he had to true family.-
"Why did you go, Remus?" she said aloud, unaware that she was doing so. "Why did you leave us? Why did you leave-" she stopped, and jumped up out of her chair, landing on the bed next to Remus' body. Molly had just walked in the door and nearly dropped the pot of tea she had been carrying.
"TONKS?! What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
"I just saw him move his head."
**
The pain in Remus' head was excruciating. Every bone and muscle in his body protested violently as he tried to move. Muffled voices tried to penetrate his brain, though he couldn't exactly tell who they belonged to.
"W-what's going on?" he tried to ask, but all he got in reply were two excited screams.
"REMUS!!" a girl cried, and he felt himself being pulled upwards. Opening one eye, he focused groggily on her face. Bubble gum pink hair stood straight up on her head, and dark black eyes stared excitedly at him. "Oh, Remus, you're alive!"
Molly suddenly burst into tears, and ran out of the room.
"What's going on?" Remus said a little more clearly.
"You're alive! You're alive!" Tonks repeated, hugging Remus' tight. "You're not dead, you're alive! I thought I'd lost you!"
"Where am I?" he asked confused.
"Grimmauld Place, the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix. Oh, you're alive!" Tonks cried happily.
Remus sighed, and tried to lift himself into a sitting position. He fell back, unable to even sit up. Disbelief was etched across his face. He was alive. Angry tears stung the corner of his eyes, and rolled down his cheeks, yet he couldn't even turn his face to hide them from Tonks, who was watching him with a worried expression.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Happiness was fighting with worry for control of her. Remus said nothing. "Hey, you! What's the matter? Are you hurting?"
Again Remus said nothing. How could he explain to her how he felt? Yes, he was in physical pain, even his fingernails hurt, but the emotional torment he was going through was almost unbearable. Guilt stormed over him. Guilt for not killing Bellatrix, guilt at being happy when he was dead, guilt for not giving a rat's ass whether or not Harry needed him, just as long as he, Remus, was with Sirius. And swimming just below the surface of guolt was an enormously heavy, despairing sadness. He got to be with Sirius again, yet he couldn't stay. Why the hell did Sirius send him back?
"I er...saved you some hummus...if, er, you want..."Tonks said, smiling feebly.
"No," Remus snapped angrily. He could barely lift his hands to dry his face. "Go..."
Tonks face fell, all the joy she had felt fleeing as fast as a mouse when a cat approached. "Are you sure you don't want anything? Medicine? Molly has-"
"Go away, Nymphadora! Leave me be!" Remus glared. Tonks staggered as though she had been slapped in the face. Nobody called her by her first name like that. She stared at Remus, who stared moodily at the ceiling, a look of pain and confusion on her face, then turned and fled out of the room.
**
"Wow, Professor Lupin, I never thought you could be a complete git," Ginny said idly as she and Hermione walked into the room, a tea tray in hand.
"Why won't people leave me alone?" he exclaimed, rolling his eyes.
"Hmmm...let me think," Hermione said smiling. "We all thought you were dead, but you aren't. So naturally, we're happy." She glanced at Ginny. "Well, except for Tonks. She's locked herself in the study."
"What does she have to be uspet about?" he asked stupidly. "She's not the one who was happy to be dead, but was sent back to this place!"
Ginny rolled her eyes, looking to Hermione to see if she knew what chromosome caused the human male to be so oblivious. Must be the testosterone, Hermione mouthed. "Here, Mum would flay us alive if we didn't at least offer you some tea." Ginny held out a cup for him, which he ignored. "Here!"
"I don't want tea! All I want is to be left alone! What don't you people get about that? I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive!" he yelled, hating everybody. He hated Hermione. He hated Ginny. He hated Tonks. He hated Dumbledore, and Harry, and everybody in the Order.
"But, what about the Order? What about stopping V-Voldemort?" Hermione asked dumbfounded. "What about Harry?"
"Screw Harry! Screw the Order! Screw Voldemort! Screw the whole damn world! It's not like they've done anything for me!"
"That is the most selfish thing I have heard anybody say..." Ginny said, wide-eyed in amazement.
"I'M ALLOWED TO BE SELFISH!!" Remus exploded. "Nobody cares how Remus feels or what Remus wants! Remus doesn't have a real life, he doesn't have a family, he doesn't have anybody who truly cares about him, so we can send him off on the most dangerous missions because nobody would miss him!"
"That's not true," Hermione whispered.
"Really?" he asked bitterly. "Who really cares about me?"
"Sirius..."
Remus avoided both girls eyes. The three sat in awkward silence, until finally, "Well, I still think you should apologize to Tonks. She cares about you, too," said Ginny. She and Hermione walked out of the room, shutting the rickety old door behind them.
-What do they know?- Remus thought moodily. But then he thought about Tonks, and how sweet she was, and a strange feeling came over him. Maybe he should apologize... suddenly sadness swept over him, bringing tears to his eyes. -Why did you do this to me, Padfoot?-
Exhausted from physical and mental stress, he closed his eyes, and hoping that sleep would bring him a repose from this emotional whirlwind he was stuck in, fell asleep.
**