I didn't do it!
by a very dead chibilinnet
Poor Ansem! Every other fic I read, he's always after Riku's ass! But what happens when everything goes way out of hand and he gets jailed for crimes he didn't commit? :O
A sad little defense story so that not every fanfic portrays Ansem as a slut.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Ansem, Riku, or any other character from Kingdom hearts, Disney and/or Square-Enix do. I'm merely doing this as a fan tribute for my favorite character and it's all for pure amusement. I wanna share the love!
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Today started out as a nice day.
Of course, a few mistakes were made during the day that made the day not so nice. One of them, and perhaps the most fatal mistake of all, was waking up.
Ansem deduced this while he was sitting in his cold jail cell, shivering, alone, and wearing horrible hot pink clothing. Well, he didn't have anything against the color, it's just that with the horrible cold dark surroundings around him, the color pink didn't really help boost his morale. It actually made him sadder. Maybe that was supposed to be the overall effect, but it still didn't help one bit.
But yes, his first mistake was waking up. If he didn't wake up, he wouldn't be here right now, seething over with inner hatred for all living things. In fact, he could have been dreaming about something nice. Maybe something to do with fuzzy bunnies or unicorns or something pleasant like that. Hell, he would take a nightmare too. Anything was better than .... this.
At least... he pondered to himself. At least, if he made the initial mistake of waking up, maybe he should have stayed in bed. After all, if he stayed in bed, instead of answering the knocking on his door, he would have been in his nice warm toasty bed watching some TV. On a nice plasma screen. That hooked up nicely to the wall.
And if he DID make the mistake of waking up, he pondered even more, he should not have gone downstairs. Oh, no, going downstairs caused this whole mess. Nay, he should have stayed in his room, or at least the top floor. In his room, there was a PS2, Gamecube, and his wonderful little Sony VAIO waiting for him there. He would have been entertained, and there would have been no need to go downstairs.
Unless he was hungry. Yes, hunger would have been a problem. Well, he thought, if he went downstairs, it should have only been for the sole purpose of gathering food from the fridge. There was no need for him to hear, nor respond to the knocking on his door. In fact, that brings him back to the point of how he should not have woken up that day, for if he was asleep, there was no need to hear the knocking, and that would have made him feel much better.
"Oh... who am I kidding??" Ansem moaned sadly. "If I didn't answer the damn door, they would have broken the stupid thing down and dragged me out! I'd end up in jail anyway!" The villain was at the point to tears, which was a very rare thing for him to do. Then again, he never found himself in a dire situation that he couldn't get himself out of.
Perhaps the reader would understand the story better if we told it from the beginning. right to the part where Ansem made the mistake of waking up for the purpose of answering the doorbell, followed by the knocking.
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Ansem hated that stupid doorbell.
First off, it was very loud. There was no room in the house where you could not hear it clearly. Not even the attic, nor the basement. It would haunt you wherever you went. Furthermore, it wasn't even that pleasant ringing tone. Noooo, it was that obnoxious buzzing noise that sent people scurrying to the door, ready to let the Devil himself him if it would make the buzzing stop.
Ansem hated it a lot.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" He grumbled, throwing the covers of his comfy bed off as he leaned over the side to check the clock. 6:59. It was six fifty-nine in the morning and some idiot wanted him to come out and play or whatever.
Ansem contemplated bringing along a fire poker so he could stab the offender.
He decided not to.
Thinking back, Ansem deduced this was also a mistake, though maybe it was better if he did forget it, because then he wouldn't be 100% innocent and still have his ass in jail. Although it would be a legitimate reason, so perhaps he wouldn't be feeling so bad.
But anyway, Ansem swung his legs over, blinked a few times to adjust himself to waking up so early in the morning, and then proceeded to lazily stroll down the hall and down the stairs, still dressed in boxers, some stupid expensive bathrobe he was compelled to buy because it looked (and felt) silky and shiny, and boots. Can't forget the boots. It was a sin to forget the boots.
However, just as Ansem reached the brass doorknob to answer the knocking, he felt this sudden tingle in his spine. That sort of "You're really going to regret this tingle" that people choose to ignore because some stupid part of their brain that is supposed to acknowledge this sort of tingle ran an error and was forced to shut down.
Oh, how he wished he listened to the tingle, because when he threw open the door, he found two police cars, a VERY disgruntled police officer (and she was female too! The horrors!), a sobbing silver haired boy who was doing a very bad job at it, and some weird hippie/lawyer lady, if such a thing was possible, attempting to console the boy and also doing a very bad job at it.
"... What did I do?" were the first words that spewed forth from Ansem's mouth. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say, but that very thought just happened to be on Ansem's mind at the time.
The female officer just glared and looked back at the sobbing boy.
"Is this the man?" She asked, in a nice tone Ansem figured she didn't use very often.
"Y-Yes Ma'am... t-t-that's him..." The boy sniffled, shooting a nasty glance at Ansem when both women weren't looking.
Ansem just froze. For the sobbing boy who was at his doorstep with two very important figures capable of mass emotional, financial, and physical damage was... Riku!!! There was no mistaking it! Those bright aqua eyes sneered at him, while he went back to faking sobs (and still doing a horrible job at it).
The amber-eyed villain was snapped back to reality when he felt himself being spun around harshly and smashed against his doorpost. Then he felt cold metal against his wrists and a clicking sound.
"Ansem, you are under arrest with the charges of aggravated assault, rape, and the destruction of private property. You have the right to remain silence, anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law."
"... WHAT????"
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The next few moments were a blur. All that Ansem really knew was that the police cruiser he was hastily shoved into was speeding towards the Destiny Islands Police Department, and he still had no clue what was going on.
"Um, excuse me, can you repeat those charges again?" he cautiously asked the driver, who was still that militant female cop, as they sped down the highway.
"Rape. Aggravated assault. Destruction of private property. Funny how you don't remember the crimes you committed." The female spat back at him, the sweetness in her tone completely gone. Ansem sort of expected that.
"Innocent until proven guilty." Ansem shrugged. And then his brain registered what she just said and he wasn't quite liking it. That tingle shot through his spine, but then his brain did another malfunction. "I don't even remember doing any of those things. When did you say I supposedly did these things?"
"You'll find out. In court." The female replied with her teeth clenched. "You do know you have the right to remain silent. I suggest you use it." She added dangerously.
Ansem just nodded. She was in a foul mood, but then again, so was he.
"Well, you know, I also just wanted to know if I could get a lawyer. I sure as hell can afford one." Ansem grumbled, shifting around in his seat. The seatbelt he had was rather tight, and he had the slight feeling if he moved his head around, the edge of it would slice his neck. Yes, he was wearing one of those weird ones with two straps.
The female's eyebrow twitched. Ansem saw this through the rear-view mirror. His eyebrow twitched back.
"Yes, you do. Now shut the hell up before I stop the car and beat you." She warned, waving her nightstick just so Ansem got the message.
"Ah, but I'm a minority. If you beat me, the media will be on your ass like a fly on garbage." Ansem pointed out, glad for once that he looked like some Asian-Hispanic-Italian-Canadian-Jamaican freak.
The cop sighed, knowing she was defeated.
The rest of the car ride was filled with silence from both parties, the only noise being the rumbling of the engine and the loud roar of 70's music spewing out of the cop's radio.
Somewhere in Destiny Islands, an author was shot.
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Alas, as the car pulled up to the station, Ansem looked around, hoping that the cop at least had the consideration of remembering that his wrists were bound together by metal he could probably melt, and thusly could not get out of his seat.
She didn't.
"Son of a bitch." He grumbled, and waited, sulking in the car. None of this still made sense, Ansem thought angrily. He was a nice guy, didn't litter, didn't scare small children or kill anyone like Sephiroth does. He was just some actor paid to act like some pseudo-villain who was important, yet at the same time not.
More importantly, just WHAT the hell was Riku doing? Granted, he and Riku didn't get along well, since Riku was, in his very objective opinion, a headstrong brat who was extremely angry he wasn't cute enough to get the starring role. Their brief parts together caused both parties a lifetime of grief, and Ansem ran straight to a holy place to praise whatever deity he lived through the filming.
Apparently, that deity must have been greatly offended, because now Ansem was here being accused of assault and RAPE, of all things! He probably did the destruction of Private Property bit when he tripped over Riku's ferret and snapped the thing's neck, but that was Riku's fault he let the damn thing out in the first place.
To make things worse, the stupid feminist cop was back.
"Get out of the car." She grumbled.
"How the hell am I supposed to do that? I'm locked in here with my wrists bound and a high chance of being beheaded by your razor sharp seatbelt." Ansem shot back, his amber eyes turning into a deep red hue. It was meant for intimidation, but lately people have been attributing his color changing eyes to 'mood-matching' contact lenses. Stupid people.
"Don't give me that lip. Get out of the car." The officer snapped, although she was unlocking the door and undoing the seatbelt as she said this. Ansem greatly resisted the urge to bite her as she leaned over and did so.
And so, being free from the evil razor sharp life-saving beheading tool, Ansem sadly trudged to the Police department, glaring at the small children playing happily on the side of the street and wishing some drunk driver would run over them.
In the Destiny Islands General Hospital, an author was shot yet again.
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:O I hope I'll be able to keep up with this fic XD the reason for my long absence was because of Gaia Online. Nice place, addicting, and the fact I'm working on my lacking artistic abilities. Since I hit an art block, I finally have passion to write again! JUST NOT ON LITTLE BLOND PRANCING BOY!
.On another note, Quick Preview sucks. NO MORE SPECIAL CHARACTERS FOR CHIBI! That means no more pretty dividers! I can't even use half the fucking emoticons anymore!! OR asterisks! Rant bitch whine!