Hey Hi howdy there all you...nice...people!!! Sorry to say this but this story is not completed!! BUT PWEEEZZEE!!! STILL READ IT AND TELL ME IF I'M WRITING OK!!!! I always love reviews. Oh, and if you feel like flaming me. Be ready for one helluva ride. Your flames will be gladly used to roast marshmallows then unshamefully made fun of publicly. So HA! HAHAHAHAHAA!! Please please please REVIEW!!!! Or I will shrivel up into nothing!!! NNOOOOoooooo.....Oh yeah! I also do not own any of the FF8 characters!! WAH!!!! Not even a little crumb....
Title: The Fire Within
Author: Blu X
Category: Final Fantasy 8
Rating: PG-13 [Bad language] (For now...It might get a little lemony and yaoi later..depends on how many reviews I get)
Pairing: Squall/Zell
Plot: Basically Balamb burns, Zell gets saved, bad stuff happens, and Zell and Squall end up in the infirmary. Also Zell has a secret everyone knows, except for Squall!!! OH NO!!!
The Fire Within
It was that fateful day that he had changed. He had turned from caring to something...different. He had been so good, so kind and outgoing. Now he had changed to something bottled up. Something just waiting to be unleashed. I knew it better than anyone, better than all the rest of them. They knew all right, but to no extent. They knew not of the depth of the wound that had scratched itself into the boys soul. They had tried many times to help him, but to no avail. He would put on that heart-wrenchingly-fake smile and change the subject. It had all started with one thing, one life-changing thing. I remember how it all went. Almost all down to the last detail. It had all started one day, just like this...
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The whole group of us had woken early and gone out for some early training. While fighting a (gimme a clue as what to put here...I'm clueless), a very easy challenge if you ask me, Selphie looked over in the direction of Balamb and yelled. Finishing the battle quickly we all looked over at where she was pointing and shouting indecipherable gibberish. A black smoke was rising from that direction.
"Shit! You guys Balamb is smokin'!! C'MON!!" Zell shouted and started sprinting toward the city. As we ran we fended off various monsters and watched as we neared the great black cloud rising from the town. /Please don't let the town be on fire/, I thought to myself, /Please Please Please!!/
But as we neared the black looming smoke, my thoughts were answered. The town was in flames. The fire had overtaken the whole town and the red and yellow hands of it seemed to make a new place out of Balamb, Hell. Zell stood dumbfounded for a moment, choking on any words that were apparently trying to escape. Everyone stood silent for a moment.
Seeming to me like a sign or symbol, a window burst above us and showered us with sharp bits of glass. Slashing Zell across the cheek, the non-tattooed one. Some stuck into my jacket but none pierced my skin. Selphie screamed. But it all seemed far away then, like a cloud of thick cotton had settled over everything. The fire crackling and the noises of exploding things faded, and the screams lulled almost to nothing. The only thing that seemed normal was Zell.
Zell was standing tall a look of pure panic in his eyes, his fists clenched as well as his teeth. I could tell because his cheekbones jutted out and moved back and forth sharply. Then without warning he charged into the fire. My vision seemed to focus clearly on him and nothing else. The fire seemed to just blur together and blend, but the picture in my mind still haunts me so clearly. Everything about him was sharpened, every detail of him was accented so that it hurt to even look. But I had no time to look away for it only lasted bare seconds. He hurdled the wall of flame and ran the main street. Irvine yelled for him to come back. I could hear Selphie scream again. It was sharp and earsplitting this time. Snapping me out of my dumbfoundedness.
/I have to go after him/, I thought to myself. I quickly jumped the now growing wall of fire as Zell did. Running down that main street was like taking a stroll in Hell. Flames kicked on both sides and stung at my heels. My skin felt like it was shrinking and tight. My eyes stung with heat, not daring to open my mouth. I was getting hot really quickly. Having black leather touching on all sides doesn't help a situation dealing with fire. I could see him ahead dodging the bursts of windows here and there. Oh how much I was going to yell at him later for this.
I was catching up to him, quickly. I yelled out his name, but seeming as an omen, a window nearby burst, drowning out my call with a sharp shattering sound. The heat was getting more intense as we went along. I felt like a walking furnace, it was so hot. He stopped and turned toward a building to the left for a second, just enough time for me to scoop him under my arm, like a child. A very big struggling child. I tackled him down and picked him up. It slackened my pace because of his weight and his fighting to get free.
He was yelling, but I couldn't hear it. The crackling of the fire was to loud for me to hear it. I didn't care though, all I wanted to do was get the hell outa there. I could see the blue sky nearing. Just minutes inside a living hell was enough for me, that blue sky was very welcoming. Telling me I was close to the end. Zell suddenly stopped yelling, sniffing the air. I stopped my thoughts and sniffed too. What I smelled then I bet that I could have compared to death any day. /Gas!! Fuck!!/, I thought as I tried to kick my legs into a higher gear. As I looked down, I saw something that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
I looked down and everything seemed to slow down. The ground and fire seemed to fuse together and Zell's face seemed to stick out sharply against the blended colors. The look on his face broke my mind from all thoughts. Pure death was the look on his face. His eyes were wide, fear was mixed with an emotion I had never seem before. His lips were parted slightly, chapped with the heat. His cheeks flushed with the intense heat. But his eyes, his eyes were the only thing that caught my eye. The things reflected in those eyes was frightening. It was me, flames everywhere, a look of total panic on my face. And as I jumped into the coolness of clean air, the town seeming to explode behind me, I finally realized the look in Zell's eyes. It was readiness, he was ready to die. Die with me in his eyes. And as I hit the ground with Zell in my arms and my mind went black, I was thinking about where Zell had stopped. /Right in front of his house.../ Then everything lulled into one and faded to nothing...
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I remember...
I remember dreaming about...
About lots of things. I guess the things that were screaming through my head couldn't be called dreams in any case. They were more like hellish nightmares, one right after the other. Agonizing and horrible snippets of that time in Hell flashed before my eyes. A slide show made especially for me, by the devil, telling me what it would be like in hell if I were there at the moment. Yeah, little snippets of my own personal hell, if you could call it that. The screams of Selphie rang loud in my head, like a pure silver bell. A Hell...that I could never escape from.
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I never knew the white lights of reality would ever be as welcoming as they were now. My vision started out as black, lightened to red, then brightened to a gray before I finally tried to open my eyes. It was painful, and I knew it would be, but I knew that I had to open them. I knew that I had to get Zell some help, I didn't know if he had hurt himself from the dive I took. Then I heard voices...
"Hey, you guys...I think he's wakin' up..." I heard someone say, I couldn't tell who yet. My ears seemed clogged or fitted with plugs. Everything was muffled quite soundly. Then I heard another voice, this one I could recognize.
"Squall..." It was Quistis. "Squall can you hear me..." Same old demanding Quistis. But there was a faint tinge of concern I had never heard from her before. I struggled feebly to answer. All that would surface from my throat was a low moan. I realized then that I wasn't lying on hard ground or sand. It felt like the same kind of mediocre as Dr. Kadowaki's(sorry I don't know how to spell her name and I am too fat and lazy to go start the game and find it out) infirmary bed, the same one I had been in when...when Seifer had fought with me. /How long have I been unconscious?/, I had asked myself.
I heard a gasp. Then the room somewhat cleared. I could see everyone almost clearly. All of them hovering over me. Quistis, Selphie, Irvine...
"Zell..," my voice whispered. I tried to get up. I had to get to him. I HAD to help him. Quistis and Irvine pushed me back down.
Quistis said firmly, "Squall lye back down. Zell is right next door. He is doing okay. Now, you both need some rest." I looked over at the wall facing the next room, the glass wall helped me see Zell more clearly.
Zell looked horrible, of course I probably looked a lot worse considering I took the hardest blow on ground contact. He had a bandage wrapped around his forehead. His eyes were closed, sleeping probably. His arms were bandaged also, I guessed from burns. The smooth bedsheets tucked perfectly under his arms kept me from measuring any further damage to the shorter boy. He looked fine other than that. That's when the questions started flowing into my mind.
/How long have I been out? What happened while I was unconscious? How hurt is Zell? How hurt am I?/ All the questions came in a wave. Flooding all other thoughts out. The one that most frequently floated by, the one that nagged at every available part of my mind. /What did Zell think he was doing?/ The lights went to dark as I yet again passed into the dead world of unconsciousness. The question taking sentence form behind my eyelids. Forming a kind of mind barrier. With one single question that would be unanswered for some time.
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The dreams came again. Only another slide was added. A boy, bandaged up, lying in a infirmary bed. The mental pain that this was causing me, I wondered if I would be scared for life. Just like the real one I had. I would hate to have this happen whenever I closed my eyes. These agonizing sights...almost unbearable...
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I don't think anything could compare to the pain I was in when I woke up. A hellish stabbing sensation in my right bicept, my legs and arms were burning from overexhaustion, my skin felt tight, probably from overexposure to heat. I couldn't move my hip even a centimeter without pain, my arm in a cast, and all because that idiot next door decided to pull an "Evil Kenevil." I could just strangle him, not once, not twice, but five times in a row if I could just get up, let alone move my arms. Just pick me up, wheel me over, and let me do the rest.
But I know, I know I could never do something like that. Well, maybe I could strangle him with words, but never physically. All the questions that I had been suppressing finally caught up with me, floating back into my head. All hell broke loose in my mind as the questions passed back and forth, swaying, just like my vision. But I fight it, I want to stay awake, I want to know what happened. I have a right to know.
My eyes roamed the small little cube-like room. All that was in the tiny section was monitors of different sizes, all beeping differently, and charting different things. The small bed I was lying on, a chair to my right, and a bedside table to the right of my head. Upon the table were spread two vases, one with roses and another with white ones, daisies. I could tell the daises were from Selphie, she would do something like that.
There were no humans in sight, not even the doctor. Damn, I wanted some answers too. Oh well. I went to sleep. Luckily, dreamless.
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I woke to the sound of muffled yelling in the other room. I turned my head, ignoring the pain. Everybody's gotta be curious. It was Zell. He was yelling at Quistis who was standing next to his bed. Quistis was standing stout and strong, her eyes closed and her hands clasped together to her front. Zell was sitting up in his bed his face in his hands still somewhat yelling, but now it was choked and muffled.
Quistis reached down and tried to touch Zell on the shoulder but he pushed her away. Quistis said something quietly and frowned. She walked out of the room, head lowered. As she stepped outside the door to Zell's room she stopped, looked up, took a deep breath, then hurried out of the infirmary wing.
Looking back at Zell, his face was still in his hands. His shoulders were shaking violently. I knew he was crying, I had never seen Zell cry before though. I always thought sadness wasn't an emotion that could play on the always-cheerful face of Zell Dincht. There was something wrong, I knew it. I had had the same feeling back when I had been chasing after him in the fire. I had known something had been terribly wrong. And it was all coming back to me now.
I tried to sit up to go over to him but something happened. My hip made a sickening pop like as if you were popping your knuckles and a pain suddenly ripped through the right side of my body. Like a red fire it seemed, the tips of my fingers went cold and numb and a cold sweat immediately broke out all over my skin. The pain was so much it numbed my body so much that I couldn't feel it. I tried to move my hand to touch it but it was too late, I had already passed from the world of light.
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White and red lights flashed through my dreams. They were like seeing far off streetlights through a rain-slicked window. Dulled and murmured were the lights and sounds they gave off. Only small whispers and murmurs were to be heard following the lights.
It was an odd dream. It made no sense. But yet it was better than the other dreams I had had. Everything was warm and homely. This was much better than before.
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I awoke in the afternoon. I remember because of the light streaming in the windows making everything almost unbearably white. Dr. Kadowaki came in when she saw that I was awake and closed the blinds to dampen the brightness.
"How do you feel?" The Doctor asked. I had a horrible feeling of déjà vu.
After calculating the pains I had I replied, "Bad." The doc just laughed.
"I'm not surprised from the dive you took," The Doctor explained to me. "When you jumped up to get away from the city with Zell you turned and took most of the fall. You landed on bottom hitting your head and knocking you clear out. All the while getting the injuries you have now." She paused to glance at the cast that was lying atop the sheets of the bed. "As you can tell you have a broken arm and you pretty much shattered your hip. You were overexposed to the heat and now on will have a nice tan for awhile. And it might take you a bit to get used to walking again since you hurt your legs running so hard."
"Is that all?" I asked, being my casual self.
"Well, yes. I guess so." Dr. Kadowaki said. "Hopefully I can keep you lying down from now on. You have a tendency to get up for no apparent reason." She said as she walked out the door.
I let my head slump back on my pillow. Getting used to walking again. Hell, I'd be lucky if I can even think straight again. I though as I dozed off to sleep.
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As it turned out Zell had gotten some of the hit to the ground too, as I learned from Irvine. He had come in that evening to see how I was. He was sitting in the chair that was to the right of my bed, leaned forward elbows on knees.
"Yeah, Selph was havin' a fit. Wanted me to come see ya. And you know Selphie, when she's in that mood, there is no disagreein' with her." Irvine shook his head and laughed to himself.
"I know exactly what you mean," I said. Irvine was my friend, I have a right to talk to my friends.
"Heh. So how do ya feel? Better?" Irvine asked.
"Still pretty bad," I replied. "But getting better."
"Well, that's good ta hear." Irvine grinned his cowboy grin. "Ya still look kinda bad."
"What exactly do you mean by that?" I asked jokingly.
Irvine held up his hands defensivly, "Nuthin!" I just laughed, even though it hurt, I still did it because it made me feel a little better.
Irvine smiled, "Well, at least ya still have a sense of humor." Irvine gripped the edge of his hat and tipped it back as he sat back in the chair. "At least we know you're on the right track of healin'." Our small laughs were far, like distant thunder..
"So how is he doin'?" I asked as I glanced over at the glass wall. Zell was asleep.
"Ok. He's still got some pains," Irvine said. Starring over at the sleeping boy on the other room.
"So what are all of his injuries from the dive I took?" I asked Irvine. His eyes reverted back to me.
"Well, he got a pretty bad whack on the head. Broke one of his ankles. Burns on his arms and legs were kinda bad, he didn't have a coat on like you. Apparently all that leather pays off sometimes." We both laughed a little.
"Anything else?" I asked. Yet again, everybody has to be curious sometimes.
"There is one thing more. But it wouldn't be a good idea to tell ya while you're in the state you're in." Irvine looked back at Zell through the glass wall. I did also, the tattoo on his face a dark outline on his newly tanned skin. So peaceful, in contrast from the sight I had seen of him not too long ago.
"Well," Irvine shook from the trance both of us had been in. "It's real good to know you're doin' better. Hope you're outa here soon. An infirmary bed just dosen't fit ya." He smiled as he stood from the chair. He tipped his hat to me before he left.
I knew that something was wrong, that had just proved me right. A situation that I couldn't even fathom was happening before me. And I just couldn't see it. But I would find out. I had my own little plan, and it was just starting to go into play.
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The road to recovery went faster than I had expected. Along the long and torturous days and weeks that passed. My arm healed very fast. Kadowaki said it was because of how it had been broken, it wasn't that bad in the first place. I think it was because of my determination to get the hell out of that place.
Over that time Zell had gotten better and better. His head had healed and the bandage removed. No scarring I could see. His arms healed, and those bandages removed also. His skin was tanned, as was mine. He was well enough to sit up in his bed some nights and read a book Selphie had gotten from the library for him.
I had accumulated flowers, along with Zell. My room constantly having the intoxicating smell of flowers filling it. A variety of people had come to see me, including Headmaster Cid. He had had nothing really to say other than I was brave and that I did a courageous thing. That's what I got from a lot of people.
Still not one person had told me about what exactly was wrong with Zell. What the big pain was. He had left one day, they had taken him out and a few hours later brought him back. As soon as he had lay down and the doctor had left, he began crying. He cried all night. I had asked many times yet gotten no responses other than you're not feeling well enough to know. Yet, I still had my plan, and I was going to carry it out...soon.
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Walking was a pain in the ass for me. The hip was well healed and walking was just the next step of the healing. So close to getting this over with. Zell was still in room next door, his head wasn't completely healed and the burns still had to be treated. Daily I would get up and walk around my little cubicle, it was getting easier. Every time I would get up, I could feel Zell staring at me. Probably if I fell he would be there to slam the nurse button so I wouldn't hurt myself again.
My chance to carry out my plan was getting closer. Oh, so closer. Just a few more days of walking and I would be free to do what I felt like. Time seemed to be on my side.
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Zell had been closed off all day. Quistis had come in again to see him and he had just lie there, silent. Quistis had done exactly what she had last time. Hang head, walk out door, sigh, then leave. All day he had lye and stare at the ceiling. This was the day. This was the day I was going to do what I had planned.
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It was night, usually Kadowaki would check on us and then lock up for the night. Which is exactly what she did. I waited impatiently for her to check on me, then Zell, then finally leave and lock down the wing.
I glanced over at Zell, his eyes closed, but I knew he wasn't asleep yet. I sat up in the infirmary bed and scooted off the edge. Standing up, I glanced over at Zell. His eyes still closed. Good, Perfect. I scuffled out the door of my room and turned to my left. There I stood in front of the door of Zell's room. This was going to be hard. But I was determined, I had to get answers.
I entered the room.
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All I could do was stand there. I knew I had a reason, a good reason, to be there. I had a job to do. Yet, I was frozen. All I could do was watch the placid face as he slept on. His tanned skin, smooth, as the moonlight flowing through the window, played shadows on all else. But Zell's peaceful expression seemed to glow with the blue light of the moon. Suddenly he stirred, I started, frozen. He gracefully rolled over onto his other side, his body the only part of him moving, his head only staying in the same place. Then his head turned.
His smooth porcelain head turned on the pillow. My stomach shrank and my chest tightened. As his head turned his tattoo came into clear view. I had always though of it to make him manlier and beautiful, a sign of bravery. But now it was something else.
It seemed to stick out like a black bird on a white sky. It twisted Zell's face. It's greedy black fingers reaching across his face and around his eye, invading his tanned skin. A bad omen, I though. I had never seen anything so horrifying.
I panicked, I looked to each side. I saw my bed, flooded with blue moonlight bringing out a white glow. It reminded me of a glowing saintly like thing. Inviting it looked. I glanced back at Zell, the tattoo. My mind raced, maybe I shouldn't do this. I should go back to bed and try to forget that this ever happened. Forget everything that I had planned and hoped for, live the rest of my life wondering. That wouldn't bother me at any rate. Then it happened.
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"Squall," Zell said plainly. My head shot in his direction. His eyes were closed, no sign that he was even awake. I wondered if he had even said it when his eyes opened slowly and his eyes shifted to focus on me. I stood, not realizing my soldier face was already put in place.
I tended to do that. In times of immediate action without thought, my poker face came up. It consisted of no emotion whatsoever, a placid face with no coherent or incoherent thought passing by it. It always came up when I least expected it and least wanted it. Right now I was actually glad it came up, because I was here for business and that was exactly what I was going to do.
"What are you here for?" Zell asked. He stared at me as I stared back. There was nothing to really say to answer that question. But I was here and I had to speak.
"Answers." Was all that came to me that made sense in this situation. When I was in plight such as this one, I resorted to using one-word answers. But I wasn't the one who was supposed to be answering. We were both silent.
"You know why I'm here," I said. Zell looked at me then slowly sat up, he looked weary, he knew what I wanted. He was silent, I chose to speak. "There is something wrong, I know it, I feel it. No one will tell me. You know what it is," I paused after every sentence, let it sink in. I paused to give him time to acknowledge what I said, he stayed silent as he set his pillow up behind him and leaned against it and the blue headboard of the infirmary wing beds.
"Are you sure you really want to know?" Reverse psychology. Dammit, Zell this is not the time for play. Instead of resorting to crude words I walked over to the chair situated by the side of his bed and sat.
"Humor me," was all I had to say to get him talking. My placid face on, I was ready for anything that was put infront of me. Yet, I had no idea what was coming and how much of a toll it would take on us all.
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A pained look swept over Zell's face as he grinned and shrugged it off. He sighed and looked straight ahead. I sat in silence, waiting patiently.
Zell laughed shortly and pathetically, "Where should I start?" The smile on Zell's face was so fake it was heartbreaking.
"At the beginning," Of course, I always state the obvious. Zell glanced over at me and lowered his chin.
"That morning," He took for granted I knew what day he was speaking of. "I had a feeling that something was gonna happen. My mother..." Zell paused. "She had always said that that was called premonition. A feeling kinda like déjà vu, but it hangs with you for awhile, like a bad dream. Anyway, I felt it, but ignored it. Which was really dumb on my part." He paused for a moment to get a good breath.
'Well, you know when we all went out to fight some monsters and later maybe get an ice-cream cone in Balamb." He paused, I nodded. "Well, when I saw the Balamb was burning, that feeling came back full force. And as I was running this little voice inside was talking. It was sayin' how I should'a listened. I should'a said something or done something different." Zell's voice was beginning to waver, his eyes getting glazed over. "And right as I stopped in front of the-that...Balamb, I thought. I thought about my mother. And then it hit me." A few tears had managed to fall from his eyes, he just let them fall, his voice getting thick. I was beginning to understand.
'It hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. My mother was in there. I knew it. I could feel it. And I had to go get her, or die trying." Zell looked up at me with the ugliest expression of sadness twisted with pain and blind fury. " And YOU!! YOU had to stop me!!! YOU had to save me! YOU had to be the hero!!"
By now Zell was almost shaking with hate and tears. "And as soon as I woke up in this fucking infirmary, I knew. I fucking KNEW that she was dead! And there wasn't goddamn thing I could do about it." I finally understood totally. I knew all, he ran into that fire trying to find his mother and I had stopped him.
'And then the flowers came, and just to make it final Quistis came in and told me. Told me that my mother had died in the fire. She had been trying to get some kids to safety when a roof had collapsed atop of her. No one was there to save her." Zell was shaking fiercely with sobs. I finally knew why he had been crying himself to sleep some nights. And god, I felt so bad for him. "I got to go to her funeral, they wouldn't let anybody see her. Jesus I cried like a fucking baby." I sat like a dumbass as one hurt and confused Zell sat and cried.
All I knew what to do was to get up, sit on the bed, and offer the best I had. I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. He just gave in, setting his head under my chin.
'Every day that voice tells me how much I screwed up. Tells me how stupid I am for not thinking." He sobbed. " I could have saved her, Squall..." Suddenly he broke out into another fit of sobs.
I sat with him in my arms. I reached up and ran my hands through his tousled hair and whispered soothing things. He cried and cried, and I sat with patience. I knew there was nothing Zell could have done. He is beating himself up over nothing. Yet, this answered all of my questions.
Zell's crying turned to sobbing and then quieted to nothing. He was asleep in no time. I sat with him a little longer, loving the warmth that emitted from Zell. Finally I began to doze off a little bit. So I carefully lay him back down and gently tuck him in. I walk quietly back over to my bed and flop down in it. Too tired to think anything, dreaming of Zell and cozy warmth.
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The next day Zell was gone. As soon as I woke up, I looked over and there was nobody there. The bed was all made up pretty. Totally sanitary and boring. They had let him out. But I was still stuck in here till I could walk right. Dammit.
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The days passed by so slowly. Walking and waiting seemed to be the only things I could waste away time with. Walking constantly. Getting out of bed and walking a lap around the Garden, laying down again, waiting, getting up and walking again.
How boring can life get at one time?
Thinking also took up time. It kept my mind off of how repetitive my life had become. Walking, waiting, walking, waiting. Nope. Thinking, pondering, questioning, thinking, wondering, thinking. That's how it went.
Thinking about Zell. Thinking about his situation, his hurt. Thinking of how much he was right. I was the hero. I always was the hero. No matter what. I HAD to be the hero. I was the one that saved people. I was the one that did everything brave. Zell got nothing. I hated myself, that's why I kept going. I wanted to live, just to torture myself. Torture myself almost as bad as Zell was tortured.
Sleeping, walking, thinking, waiting, pondering, walking, thinking, waiting, questioning, walking, thinking, waiting, sleeping, thinking, dreaming, walking, waiting...how long could this go on?
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Alrighty, I don't really enjoy the end of this Chapter. But don't worry, I'll try and come up with something for a Chapter 2. A big thanks for the reviews to Jenihenpen, Meilan Firaga, Glass Castle, Comin1StepCloser, Renee, HootHoot, Yunchan, and redrum. Luv you all for reviewing! And if your not one of these people, of if you are, please review!!
Title: The Fire Within
Author: Blu X
Category: Final Fantasy 8
Rating: PG-13 [Bad language] (For now...It might get a little lemony and yaoi later..depends on how many reviews I get)
Pairing: Squall/Zell
Plot: Basically Balamb burns, Zell gets saved, bad stuff happens, and Zell and Squall end up in the infirmary. Also Zell has a secret everyone knows, except for Squall!!! OH NO!!!
The Fire Within
It was that fateful day that he had changed. He had turned from caring to something...different. He had been so good, so kind and outgoing. Now he had changed to something bottled up. Something just waiting to be unleashed. I knew it better than anyone, better than all the rest of them. They knew all right, but to no extent. They knew not of the depth of the wound that had scratched itself into the boys soul. They had tried many times to help him, but to no avail. He would put on that heart-wrenchingly-fake smile and change the subject. It had all started with one thing, one life-changing thing. I remember how it all went. Almost all down to the last detail. It had all started one day, just like this...
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The whole group of us had woken early and gone out for some early training. While fighting a (gimme a clue as what to put here...I'm clueless), a very easy challenge if you ask me, Selphie looked over in the direction of Balamb and yelled. Finishing the battle quickly we all looked over at where she was pointing and shouting indecipherable gibberish. A black smoke was rising from that direction.
"Shit! You guys Balamb is smokin'!! C'MON!!" Zell shouted and started sprinting toward the city. As we ran we fended off various monsters and watched as we neared the great black cloud rising from the town. /Please don't let the town be on fire/, I thought to myself, /Please Please Please!!/
But as we neared the black looming smoke, my thoughts were answered. The town was in flames. The fire had overtaken the whole town and the red and yellow hands of it seemed to make a new place out of Balamb, Hell. Zell stood dumbfounded for a moment, choking on any words that were apparently trying to escape. Everyone stood silent for a moment.
Seeming to me like a sign or symbol, a window burst above us and showered us with sharp bits of glass. Slashing Zell across the cheek, the non-tattooed one. Some stuck into my jacket but none pierced my skin. Selphie screamed. But it all seemed far away then, like a cloud of thick cotton had settled over everything. The fire crackling and the noises of exploding things faded, and the screams lulled almost to nothing. The only thing that seemed normal was Zell.
Zell was standing tall a look of pure panic in his eyes, his fists clenched as well as his teeth. I could tell because his cheekbones jutted out and moved back and forth sharply. Then without warning he charged into the fire. My vision seemed to focus clearly on him and nothing else. The fire seemed to just blur together and blend, but the picture in my mind still haunts me so clearly. Everything about him was sharpened, every detail of him was accented so that it hurt to even look. But I had no time to look away for it only lasted bare seconds. He hurdled the wall of flame and ran the main street. Irvine yelled for him to come back. I could hear Selphie scream again. It was sharp and earsplitting this time. Snapping me out of my dumbfoundedness.
/I have to go after him/, I thought to myself. I quickly jumped the now growing wall of fire as Zell did. Running down that main street was like taking a stroll in Hell. Flames kicked on both sides and stung at my heels. My skin felt like it was shrinking and tight. My eyes stung with heat, not daring to open my mouth. I was getting hot really quickly. Having black leather touching on all sides doesn't help a situation dealing with fire. I could see him ahead dodging the bursts of windows here and there. Oh how much I was going to yell at him later for this.
I was catching up to him, quickly. I yelled out his name, but seeming as an omen, a window nearby burst, drowning out my call with a sharp shattering sound. The heat was getting more intense as we went along. I felt like a walking furnace, it was so hot. He stopped and turned toward a building to the left for a second, just enough time for me to scoop him under my arm, like a child. A very big struggling child. I tackled him down and picked him up. It slackened my pace because of his weight and his fighting to get free.
He was yelling, but I couldn't hear it. The crackling of the fire was to loud for me to hear it. I didn't care though, all I wanted to do was get the hell outa there. I could see the blue sky nearing. Just minutes inside a living hell was enough for me, that blue sky was very welcoming. Telling me I was close to the end. Zell suddenly stopped yelling, sniffing the air. I stopped my thoughts and sniffed too. What I smelled then I bet that I could have compared to death any day. /Gas!! Fuck!!/, I thought as I tried to kick my legs into a higher gear. As I looked down, I saw something that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
I looked down and everything seemed to slow down. The ground and fire seemed to fuse together and Zell's face seemed to stick out sharply against the blended colors. The look on his face broke my mind from all thoughts. Pure death was the look on his face. His eyes were wide, fear was mixed with an emotion I had never seem before. His lips were parted slightly, chapped with the heat. His cheeks flushed with the intense heat. But his eyes, his eyes were the only thing that caught my eye. The things reflected in those eyes was frightening. It was me, flames everywhere, a look of total panic on my face. And as I jumped into the coolness of clean air, the town seeming to explode behind me, I finally realized the look in Zell's eyes. It was readiness, he was ready to die. Die with me in his eyes. And as I hit the ground with Zell in my arms and my mind went black, I was thinking about where Zell had stopped. /Right in front of his house.../ Then everything lulled into one and faded to nothing...
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I remember...
I remember dreaming about...
About lots of things. I guess the things that were screaming through my head couldn't be called dreams in any case. They were more like hellish nightmares, one right after the other. Agonizing and horrible snippets of that time in Hell flashed before my eyes. A slide show made especially for me, by the devil, telling me what it would be like in hell if I were there at the moment. Yeah, little snippets of my own personal hell, if you could call it that. The screams of Selphie rang loud in my head, like a pure silver bell. A Hell...that I could never escape from.
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I never knew the white lights of reality would ever be as welcoming as they were now. My vision started out as black, lightened to red, then brightened to a gray before I finally tried to open my eyes. It was painful, and I knew it would be, but I knew that I had to open them. I knew that I had to get Zell some help, I didn't know if he had hurt himself from the dive I took. Then I heard voices...
"Hey, you guys...I think he's wakin' up..." I heard someone say, I couldn't tell who yet. My ears seemed clogged or fitted with plugs. Everything was muffled quite soundly. Then I heard another voice, this one I could recognize.
"Squall..." It was Quistis. "Squall can you hear me..." Same old demanding Quistis. But there was a faint tinge of concern I had never heard from her before. I struggled feebly to answer. All that would surface from my throat was a low moan. I realized then that I wasn't lying on hard ground or sand. It felt like the same kind of mediocre as Dr. Kadowaki's(sorry I don't know how to spell her name and I am too fat and lazy to go start the game and find it out) infirmary bed, the same one I had been in when...when Seifer had fought with me. /How long have I been unconscious?/, I had asked myself.
I heard a gasp. Then the room somewhat cleared. I could see everyone almost clearly. All of them hovering over me. Quistis, Selphie, Irvine...
"Zell..," my voice whispered. I tried to get up. I had to get to him. I HAD to help him. Quistis and Irvine pushed me back down.
Quistis said firmly, "Squall lye back down. Zell is right next door. He is doing okay. Now, you both need some rest." I looked over at the wall facing the next room, the glass wall helped me see Zell more clearly.
Zell looked horrible, of course I probably looked a lot worse considering I took the hardest blow on ground contact. He had a bandage wrapped around his forehead. His eyes were closed, sleeping probably. His arms were bandaged also, I guessed from burns. The smooth bedsheets tucked perfectly under his arms kept me from measuring any further damage to the shorter boy. He looked fine other than that. That's when the questions started flowing into my mind.
/How long have I been out? What happened while I was unconscious? How hurt is Zell? How hurt am I?/ All the questions came in a wave. Flooding all other thoughts out. The one that most frequently floated by, the one that nagged at every available part of my mind. /What did Zell think he was doing?/ The lights went to dark as I yet again passed into the dead world of unconsciousness. The question taking sentence form behind my eyelids. Forming a kind of mind barrier. With one single question that would be unanswered for some time.
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The dreams came again. Only another slide was added. A boy, bandaged up, lying in a infirmary bed. The mental pain that this was causing me, I wondered if I would be scared for life. Just like the real one I had. I would hate to have this happen whenever I closed my eyes. These agonizing sights...almost unbearable...
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I don't think anything could compare to the pain I was in when I woke up. A hellish stabbing sensation in my right bicept, my legs and arms were burning from overexhaustion, my skin felt tight, probably from overexposure to heat. I couldn't move my hip even a centimeter without pain, my arm in a cast, and all because that idiot next door decided to pull an "Evil Kenevil." I could just strangle him, not once, not twice, but five times in a row if I could just get up, let alone move my arms. Just pick me up, wheel me over, and let me do the rest.
But I know, I know I could never do something like that. Well, maybe I could strangle him with words, but never physically. All the questions that I had been suppressing finally caught up with me, floating back into my head. All hell broke loose in my mind as the questions passed back and forth, swaying, just like my vision. But I fight it, I want to stay awake, I want to know what happened. I have a right to know.
My eyes roamed the small little cube-like room. All that was in the tiny section was monitors of different sizes, all beeping differently, and charting different things. The small bed I was lying on, a chair to my right, and a bedside table to the right of my head. Upon the table were spread two vases, one with roses and another with white ones, daisies. I could tell the daises were from Selphie, she would do something like that.
There were no humans in sight, not even the doctor. Damn, I wanted some answers too. Oh well. I went to sleep. Luckily, dreamless.
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I woke to the sound of muffled yelling in the other room. I turned my head, ignoring the pain. Everybody's gotta be curious. It was Zell. He was yelling at Quistis who was standing next to his bed. Quistis was standing stout and strong, her eyes closed and her hands clasped together to her front. Zell was sitting up in his bed his face in his hands still somewhat yelling, but now it was choked and muffled.
Quistis reached down and tried to touch Zell on the shoulder but he pushed her away. Quistis said something quietly and frowned. She walked out of the room, head lowered. As she stepped outside the door to Zell's room she stopped, looked up, took a deep breath, then hurried out of the infirmary wing.
Looking back at Zell, his face was still in his hands. His shoulders were shaking violently. I knew he was crying, I had never seen Zell cry before though. I always thought sadness wasn't an emotion that could play on the always-cheerful face of Zell Dincht. There was something wrong, I knew it. I had had the same feeling back when I had been chasing after him in the fire. I had known something had been terribly wrong. And it was all coming back to me now.
I tried to sit up to go over to him but something happened. My hip made a sickening pop like as if you were popping your knuckles and a pain suddenly ripped through the right side of my body. Like a red fire it seemed, the tips of my fingers went cold and numb and a cold sweat immediately broke out all over my skin. The pain was so much it numbed my body so much that I couldn't feel it. I tried to move my hand to touch it but it was too late, I had already passed from the world of light.
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White and red lights flashed through my dreams. They were like seeing far off streetlights through a rain-slicked window. Dulled and murmured were the lights and sounds they gave off. Only small whispers and murmurs were to be heard following the lights.
It was an odd dream. It made no sense. But yet it was better than the other dreams I had had. Everything was warm and homely. This was much better than before.
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I awoke in the afternoon. I remember because of the light streaming in the windows making everything almost unbearably white. Dr. Kadowaki came in when she saw that I was awake and closed the blinds to dampen the brightness.
"How do you feel?" The Doctor asked. I had a horrible feeling of déjà vu.
After calculating the pains I had I replied, "Bad." The doc just laughed.
"I'm not surprised from the dive you took," The Doctor explained to me. "When you jumped up to get away from the city with Zell you turned and took most of the fall. You landed on bottom hitting your head and knocking you clear out. All the while getting the injuries you have now." She paused to glance at the cast that was lying atop the sheets of the bed. "As you can tell you have a broken arm and you pretty much shattered your hip. You were overexposed to the heat and now on will have a nice tan for awhile. And it might take you a bit to get used to walking again since you hurt your legs running so hard."
"Is that all?" I asked, being my casual self.
"Well, yes. I guess so." Dr. Kadowaki said. "Hopefully I can keep you lying down from now on. You have a tendency to get up for no apparent reason." She said as she walked out the door.
I let my head slump back on my pillow. Getting used to walking again. Hell, I'd be lucky if I can even think straight again. I though as I dozed off to sleep.
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As it turned out Zell had gotten some of the hit to the ground too, as I learned from Irvine. He had come in that evening to see how I was. He was sitting in the chair that was to the right of my bed, leaned forward elbows on knees.
"Yeah, Selph was havin' a fit. Wanted me to come see ya. And you know Selphie, when she's in that mood, there is no disagreein' with her." Irvine shook his head and laughed to himself.
"I know exactly what you mean," I said. Irvine was my friend, I have a right to talk to my friends.
"Heh. So how do ya feel? Better?" Irvine asked.
"Still pretty bad," I replied. "But getting better."
"Well, that's good ta hear." Irvine grinned his cowboy grin. "Ya still look kinda bad."
"What exactly do you mean by that?" I asked jokingly.
Irvine held up his hands defensivly, "Nuthin!" I just laughed, even though it hurt, I still did it because it made me feel a little better.
Irvine smiled, "Well, at least ya still have a sense of humor." Irvine gripped the edge of his hat and tipped it back as he sat back in the chair. "At least we know you're on the right track of healin'." Our small laughs were far, like distant thunder..
"So how is he doin'?" I asked as I glanced over at the glass wall. Zell was asleep.
"Ok. He's still got some pains," Irvine said. Starring over at the sleeping boy on the other room.
"So what are all of his injuries from the dive I took?" I asked Irvine. His eyes reverted back to me.
"Well, he got a pretty bad whack on the head. Broke one of his ankles. Burns on his arms and legs were kinda bad, he didn't have a coat on like you. Apparently all that leather pays off sometimes." We both laughed a little.
"Anything else?" I asked. Yet again, everybody has to be curious sometimes.
"There is one thing more. But it wouldn't be a good idea to tell ya while you're in the state you're in." Irvine looked back at Zell through the glass wall. I did also, the tattoo on his face a dark outline on his newly tanned skin. So peaceful, in contrast from the sight I had seen of him not too long ago.
"Well," Irvine shook from the trance both of us had been in. "It's real good to know you're doin' better. Hope you're outa here soon. An infirmary bed just dosen't fit ya." He smiled as he stood from the chair. He tipped his hat to me before he left.
I knew that something was wrong, that had just proved me right. A situation that I couldn't even fathom was happening before me. And I just couldn't see it. But I would find out. I had my own little plan, and it was just starting to go into play.
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The road to recovery went faster than I had expected. Along the long and torturous days and weeks that passed. My arm healed very fast. Kadowaki said it was because of how it had been broken, it wasn't that bad in the first place. I think it was because of my determination to get the hell out of that place.
Over that time Zell had gotten better and better. His head had healed and the bandage removed. No scarring I could see. His arms healed, and those bandages removed also. His skin was tanned, as was mine. He was well enough to sit up in his bed some nights and read a book Selphie had gotten from the library for him.
I had accumulated flowers, along with Zell. My room constantly having the intoxicating smell of flowers filling it. A variety of people had come to see me, including Headmaster Cid. He had had nothing really to say other than I was brave and that I did a courageous thing. That's what I got from a lot of people.
Still not one person had told me about what exactly was wrong with Zell. What the big pain was. He had left one day, they had taken him out and a few hours later brought him back. As soon as he had lay down and the doctor had left, he began crying. He cried all night. I had asked many times yet gotten no responses other than you're not feeling well enough to know. Yet, I still had my plan, and I was going to carry it out...soon.
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Walking was a pain in the ass for me. The hip was well healed and walking was just the next step of the healing. So close to getting this over with. Zell was still in room next door, his head wasn't completely healed and the burns still had to be treated. Daily I would get up and walk around my little cubicle, it was getting easier. Every time I would get up, I could feel Zell staring at me. Probably if I fell he would be there to slam the nurse button so I wouldn't hurt myself again.
My chance to carry out my plan was getting closer. Oh, so closer. Just a few more days of walking and I would be free to do what I felt like. Time seemed to be on my side.
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Zell had been closed off all day. Quistis had come in again to see him and he had just lie there, silent. Quistis had done exactly what she had last time. Hang head, walk out door, sigh, then leave. All day he had lye and stare at the ceiling. This was the day. This was the day I was going to do what I had planned.
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It was night, usually Kadowaki would check on us and then lock up for the night. Which is exactly what she did. I waited impatiently for her to check on me, then Zell, then finally leave and lock down the wing.
I glanced over at Zell, his eyes closed, but I knew he wasn't asleep yet. I sat up in the infirmary bed and scooted off the edge. Standing up, I glanced over at Zell. His eyes still closed. Good, Perfect. I scuffled out the door of my room and turned to my left. There I stood in front of the door of Zell's room. This was going to be hard. But I was determined, I had to get answers.
I entered the room.
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All I could do was stand there. I knew I had a reason, a good reason, to be there. I had a job to do. Yet, I was frozen. All I could do was watch the placid face as he slept on. His tanned skin, smooth, as the moonlight flowing through the window, played shadows on all else. But Zell's peaceful expression seemed to glow with the blue light of the moon. Suddenly he stirred, I started, frozen. He gracefully rolled over onto his other side, his body the only part of him moving, his head only staying in the same place. Then his head turned.
His smooth porcelain head turned on the pillow. My stomach shrank and my chest tightened. As his head turned his tattoo came into clear view. I had always though of it to make him manlier and beautiful, a sign of bravery. But now it was something else.
It seemed to stick out like a black bird on a white sky. It twisted Zell's face. It's greedy black fingers reaching across his face and around his eye, invading his tanned skin. A bad omen, I though. I had never seen anything so horrifying.
I panicked, I looked to each side. I saw my bed, flooded with blue moonlight bringing out a white glow. It reminded me of a glowing saintly like thing. Inviting it looked. I glanced back at Zell, the tattoo. My mind raced, maybe I shouldn't do this. I should go back to bed and try to forget that this ever happened. Forget everything that I had planned and hoped for, live the rest of my life wondering. That wouldn't bother me at any rate. Then it happened.
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"Squall," Zell said plainly. My head shot in his direction. His eyes were closed, no sign that he was even awake. I wondered if he had even said it when his eyes opened slowly and his eyes shifted to focus on me. I stood, not realizing my soldier face was already put in place.
I tended to do that. In times of immediate action without thought, my poker face came up. It consisted of no emotion whatsoever, a placid face with no coherent or incoherent thought passing by it. It always came up when I least expected it and least wanted it. Right now I was actually glad it came up, because I was here for business and that was exactly what I was going to do.
"What are you here for?" Zell asked. He stared at me as I stared back. There was nothing to really say to answer that question. But I was here and I had to speak.
"Answers." Was all that came to me that made sense in this situation. When I was in plight such as this one, I resorted to using one-word answers. But I wasn't the one who was supposed to be answering. We were both silent.
"You know why I'm here," I said. Zell looked at me then slowly sat up, he looked weary, he knew what I wanted. He was silent, I chose to speak. "There is something wrong, I know it, I feel it. No one will tell me. You know what it is," I paused after every sentence, let it sink in. I paused to give him time to acknowledge what I said, he stayed silent as he set his pillow up behind him and leaned against it and the blue headboard of the infirmary wing beds.
"Are you sure you really want to know?" Reverse psychology. Dammit, Zell this is not the time for play. Instead of resorting to crude words I walked over to the chair situated by the side of his bed and sat.
"Humor me," was all I had to say to get him talking. My placid face on, I was ready for anything that was put infront of me. Yet, I had no idea what was coming and how much of a toll it would take on us all.
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A pained look swept over Zell's face as he grinned and shrugged it off. He sighed and looked straight ahead. I sat in silence, waiting patiently.
Zell laughed shortly and pathetically, "Where should I start?" The smile on Zell's face was so fake it was heartbreaking.
"At the beginning," Of course, I always state the obvious. Zell glanced over at me and lowered his chin.
"That morning," He took for granted I knew what day he was speaking of. "I had a feeling that something was gonna happen. My mother..." Zell paused. "She had always said that that was called premonition. A feeling kinda like déjà vu, but it hangs with you for awhile, like a bad dream. Anyway, I felt it, but ignored it. Which was really dumb on my part." He paused for a moment to get a good breath.
'Well, you know when we all went out to fight some monsters and later maybe get an ice-cream cone in Balamb." He paused, I nodded. "Well, when I saw the Balamb was burning, that feeling came back full force. And as I was running this little voice inside was talking. It was sayin' how I should'a listened. I should'a said something or done something different." Zell's voice was beginning to waver, his eyes getting glazed over. "And right as I stopped in front of the-that...Balamb, I thought. I thought about my mother. And then it hit me." A few tears had managed to fall from his eyes, he just let them fall, his voice getting thick. I was beginning to understand.
'It hit me like a fucking ton of bricks. My mother was in there. I knew it. I could feel it. And I had to go get her, or die trying." Zell looked up at me with the ugliest expression of sadness twisted with pain and blind fury. " And YOU!! YOU had to stop me!!! YOU had to save me! YOU had to be the hero!!"
By now Zell was almost shaking with hate and tears. "And as soon as I woke up in this fucking infirmary, I knew. I fucking KNEW that she was dead! And there wasn't goddamn thing I could do about it." I finally understood totally. I knew all, he ran into that fire trying to find his mother and I had stopped him.
'And then the flowers came, and just to make it final Quistis came in and told me. Told me that my mother had died in the fire. She had been trying to get some kids to safety when a roof had collapsed atop of her. No one was there to save her." Zell was shaking fiercely with sobs. I finally knew why he had been crying himself to sleep some nights. And god, I felt so bad for him. "I got to go to her funeral, they wouldn't let anybody see her. Jesus I cried like a fucking baby." I sat like a dumbass as one hurt and confused Zell sat and cried.
All I knew what to do was to get up, sit on the bed, and offer the best I had. I wrapped my arms around him and let him cry. He just gave in, setting his head under my chin.
'Every day that voice tells me how much I screwed up. Tells me how stupid I am for not thinking." He sobbed. " I could have saved her, Squall..." Suddenly he broke out into another fit of sobs.
I sat with him in my arms. I reached up and ran my hands through his tousled hair and whispered soothing things. He cried and cried, and I sat with patience. I knew there was nothing Zell could have done. He is beating himself up over nothing. Yet, this answered all of my questions.
Zell's crying turned to sobbing and then quieted to nothing. He was asleep in no time. I sat with him a little longer, loving the warmth that emitted from Zell. Finally I began to doze off a little bit. So I carefully lay him back down and gently tuck him in. I walk quietly back over to my bed and flop down in it. Too tired to think anything, dreaming of Zell and cozy warmth.
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The next day Zell was gone. As soon as I woke up, I looked over and there was nobody there. The bed was all made up pretty. Totally sanitary and boring. They had let him out. But I was still stuck in here till I could walk right. Dammit.
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The days passed by so slowly. Walking and waiting seemed to be the only things I could waste away time with. Walking constantly. Getting out of bed and walking a lap around the Garden, laying down again, waiting, getting up and walking again.
How boring can life get at one time?
Thinking also took up time. It kept my mind off of how repetitive my life had become. Walking, waiting, walking, waiting. Nope. Thinking, pondering, questioning, thinking, wondering, thinking. That's how it went.
Thinking about Zell. Thinking about his situation, his hurt. Thinking of how much he was right. I was the hero. I always was the hero. No matter what. I HAD to be the hero. I was the one that saved people. I was the one that did everything brave. Zell got nothing. I hated myself, that's why I kept going. I wanted to live, just to torture myself. Torture myself almost as bad as Zell was tortured.
Sleeping, walking, thinking, waiting, pondering, walking, thinking, waiting, questioning, walking, thinking, waiting, sleeping, thinking, dreaming, walking, waiting...how long could this go on?
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Alrighty, I don't really enjoy the end of this Chapter. But don't worry, I'll try and come up with something for a Chapter 2. A big thanks for the reviews to Jenihenpen, Meilan Firaga, Glass Castle, Comin1StepCloser, Renee, HootHoot, Yunchan, and redrum. Luv you all for reviewing! And if your not one of these people, of if you are, please review!!