In Brightest Day, In Darkest Night

by Gary D. Snyder

Part 6:

The metal monstrosity paused at the sudden and unexpected appearance of Dyno Lad. For a second it paused as thought thinking, and then spoke. "I'm sorry, but have we ever…umm…umm…" Once again Calamitous struggled to complete his thought.

"'Shared drinks on the veranda'?" Sheen suggested.

"'Danced with the devil in the pale moonlight'?" offered Carl.

"No! Umm…umm…" Calamitous faltered.

"'Met before'?" guessed Ernest.

"Yes! That one! Have we ever met before?"

Ernest considered it. "No. I don't think so."

"Then this must be none of your business," the irritating voice replied as a huge mechanical foot came down towards Ernest with terrifying swiftness. As fast as the move was, however, Dyno Lad was even faster. Almost faster than the eye could follow he zipped past the foot, and as the massive metal foot shattered the street he wound up and struck the mechanical appendage from behind with all his might. The foot and leg to which it was attached flew up from under Calamitous' machine and the huge contraption, its balance lost, fell over backwards and struck the ground with a deafening crash. The crowd of onlookers cheered and the spontaneous applause made Ernest's head swim. A sudden shout quickly brought him back to his senses.

"Hey! Hero boy! You want to remember that we're still here as well?" Ernest looked at Cindy who was still firmly in the metal monster's grip. "No pressure or anything, but do you suppose you could get us out before you start knocking this thing around like that?"

That stumped Ernest. In most of the comics he had read the hero simply used brute force to smash whatever villain was facing him, but the subject of hostages was something that had never been covered. Calamitous seemed to sense Ernest's indecision, for as his machine clambered back to its feet he said, "Well, well…in something of a quandary are we?" He moved Cindy and Jimmy up and down slightly as if getting the heft of his prisoners. "It seems that as long as my hands are full, your hands are…umm…umm…"

"'The devil's tools'?" someone in the crowd called out.

"'Like blades of steel'?" another suggested.

"'Tied'," replied Ernest grimly.

"Exactly! Tied! But I admit that it is a little unsporting to keep you at a disadvantage by holding hostages like this. Perhaps I really should give you a chance." Calamitous paused as though weighing his options. "I'll tell you what. I've always wanted to learn juggling." The giant arms moved as though getting ready to toss both hapless captives into the air. "I suppose now is as good a time as any. "

"No!" shrieked Cindy.

"You fiend!" shouted Jimmy.

Despite his newfound powers Ernest had never felt so powerless. If Calamitous did toss them into the air, was he fast enough to catch them both before they either fell to the ground or Calamitous attacked him? And if he did catch them, could he protect both himself and them from any attack that the evil professor launched? Ernest began to feel the terrible weights of responsibility and decision settle on him. If only Cindy and Jimmy were free he was sure that he could defeat Calamitous' terrible invention. But how could he free them? Calamitous paused, savoring his advantage.

"What's he doing?" Cindy called to Jimmy in frustration.

"As long as Calamitous is inside and we're his prisoners there's nothing he can do," Jimmy answered. "He know that Calamitous can crush us like a couple grapes if Dyno Lad tries to take this contraption down."

"Isn't there anything we can do?" Cindy's voice was desperate.

Jimmy only answer was to close his eyes. Come on, he told himself. Think. Think! Think!

No pressure or anything…

With a short and messy ending…

You see, this time I made quite sure to put in…a bathroom…

"Brain blast!" he cried. Twisting around as far as he could go he strained to get a look at the back of Calamitous' machine. After a few seconds he spotted what he was searching for – a small vertical pipe extending from the metal surface. He twisted back around again and called down. "Dyno Lad! Get a pressurized fire extinguisher up here! A big one!"

Startled, Ernest looked up. A fire extinguisher? he thought. What for? Jimmy, sensing his bewilderment, merely nodded urgently. Rather than waste time asking questions he nodded back and sped off in a crimson blur. Calamitous chortled wickedly at his nemesis' abrupt departure.

"Now that that's over," he began, "we can get back to –"

He was cut off by the sudden reappearance of Dyno Lad, who was carrying the large fire extinuisher that Jimmy had requested. "Now what?" he asked Jimmy.

"Fasten the nozzle of the extinguisher over that metal pipe on the back of this thing," Jimmy instructed. "And then discharge the extinguisher." Ernest sped to comply as Calamitous finally reacted to the situation.

"Just what do you think you're…umm…umm…" he stammered.

"Yes, Neutron, what's going on?" Cindy demanded.

"That pipe on the back is the vent for Calamitous' internal septic tank," Jimmy explained. "When Dyno Lad fires the extinguisher it will pressurize the tank and force the contents back up into the –"

Cindy suddenly realized what Jimmy was talking about. "Eww!" was all she could say as a hissing noise informed her that Dyno Lad had activated the extinguisher. "Too much information!"

"Hey, you asked!" was Jimmy's defensive response. "In any case, I'd say that in about five seconds the interior of this thing will be completely untenable."

He had scarcely finished speaking when there was a sudden rumble from deep inside the giant machine. Less than a second later Calamitous let out a scream of horror as his machine released Jimmy and Cindy and began to stumble blindly around. While Jimmy and Cindy were still in the air Ernest swooped down and caught them, depositing them gently on the ground. Once he was sure they were safe he squared his shoulders and clenched one fist. "And now," he announced grimly, "it's time to take care of some unfinished business."

"Don't bother," said Jimmy easily. "If I'm not mistaken Calamitous will be out any second now."

"Oh!" they could hear the professor shrieking. "This is – it's disgusting – the smell is - I can't – let me out of here!" With a hiss of escaping pressure the chest plastron of the mechanical device and Calamitous emerged to descend on the loading platform. He was much as Jimmy remembered him, except that his clothes were heavily spattered with some foul-smelling substance that Cindy didn't care to identify. The police quickly rushed up to take the villain into custody but slowed as they caught a whiff of him.

"All right, Lou and Eddie," the police chief instructed two of the officers, holding his noise. "Take him away."

"Not in my car, Chief," said one of the officers.

"Fighting crime is a dirty business, Lou."

"Not that dirty," Lou responded.

Eventually the fire department was called in to hose down Professor Calamitous so that he could be handcuffed and transported to prison. As he was being escorted away Sheen called, "Hey, Professor! Does Beautiful Gorgeous ever mention me? You know, a handsome Hispanic fellow, 22 years old but who looks considerably younger and more handsome than his years? Could you tell her that I'm still waiting for her and counting the seconds until we're together again?" He caught Libby's icy stare and spread his hands innocently. "What? She's just a friend." As Libby shook her head in disgust and turned away Sheen pointed to her and mouthed to Calamitous, "She's just a friend."

Calamitous, however, had little to say except to Ernest. "Well, Dyno Lad," he snarled. "Trust me when I say you've made a very dangerous…umm…umm…"

"'Career choice'?" suggested Lou, who had Calamitous by one arm.

"'High-speed manuever'?" proposed Eddie, who was holding Calamitous' other arm.

"'Enemy'?" answered Ernest.

"Yes! The third one," Calamitous retorted. "I'll be back very soon. They won't keep me in prison long."

"No doubt," replied Cindy with a smirk. "I think you've clearly demonstrated to everyone that you're a man of great effluence." She and the others nearby laughed as Calamitous snarled and was led away to a police vehicle. After Calamitous was gone Cindy turned to Ernest. "I just wanted to thank you," she said, suddenly feeling very awkward and shy, "for saving my life."

Ernest smiled. "No need for thanks, miss. All in a day's work."

Cindy smiled back. "You still deserve it. Without you, Jimmy and I could have been killed. Right, Jimmy?" There was no answer. "Jimmy?" She looked around and was surprised to see that Jimmy was not there. "Now where could he have gone?" she asked with considerable annoyance.

"Maybe he's checking out the hovercraft," suggested Carl. "It sort of got flattened when Professor Calamitous' robot landed on it."

"Maybe," Cindy said. "But it's awfully rude for him to not thank Dyno Lad for all he did."

In fact Jimmy was not at the ruins of his hovercraft. He was instead examining Professor Calamitous' mechanical construct. Of particular interest to him was the septic vent pipe and fire extinguisher nozzle that had been crimped together by Dyno Lad's extraordinary strength, crushed like a half-empty tube of toothpaste.

"Ernest," he said softly.

End of Part 6.