Chapter 4- Never Ending Nightmares

Harry found himself studying in the library once again. It had become something of a routine in the last few weeks. Hermione had finally convinced them that their grades would improve if they followed her studying time table. And so he began to work relentlessly at raising his grades, attending as many late night study sessions as possible. It became somewhat of a passion for him. He was so tired of the chaos that reined throughout his life that he found comfort in the pursuit of education. It was something that he was actually capable of controlling. Something he could possibly be good at. Something that could help take his mind off everything else that was plaguing him.

His best friends were sitting across the table from him bickering slightly. Ron had not taken to the new study schedule as well as Harry had. He complained about it more than anything else. The red haired boy had not written much of anything in the last two hours that they were there and Hermione was trying to get him to look up the research he would need in order to complete the assignment.

"Mione, can't we take a break? Its getting really late and I can't concentrate on this stuff anymore. It's so boring!"

Hermione sighed heavily in frustration and threw her hands up in the air. "Fine! See if I care when you fail all of your classes. You should be more like Harry. At least he is trying to improve his grades."

The couple looked over at their dark haired friend at the mention of his name. They noticed that he was holding his body upright with a great deal of weariness. In addition, dark circles under his eyes were present against his pale skin. They looked back as one another silently communicating that they were each concerned about him. Saying that he looked so exhausted would be an understatement.

In fact, Harry's eyes had begun to swim in and out of focus as he pored over his History of Magic textbook. He had already completed the two feet of parchment required on the Wizard's Rebellion, but he wanted to make sure that he hadn't left anything of significance out.

"Hey mate, I think it's about time that we got ourselves off to bed. You look like your about to drop off to sleep right here," said Ron.

"I'm fine. You guys can go on without me. I want to get this assignment done."

"Maybe we should leave, Harry," tried Hermione. "Madame Pince keeps looking our way. Besides it is close to curfew and McGonagall isn't going to be happy if she catches us out after hours again."

Harry looked at his best friend's determined faces and knew there wasn't a point in arguing. He began to pack up his things into his school bag and returned the books that he had borrowed from the librarian on her counter. The three friends walked out into the corridor silently.

Harry followed Ron and Hermione towards the Gryffindor tower in complete silence. He dreaded going back to the dorm because he didn't to want to fall asleep or be alone in his thoughts. Thinking quickly, he reached in his school bag and brought out his father's invisibility cloak.

"Hey, listen. Draco was supposed to serve detention tonight with Professor Snape for that prank he pulled on those Slytherins the other day. He should be done by now. I am going to go and see if I can catch up with him," said Harry.

"You really shouldn't be walking around this late. We are prefects, Harry, and I can't keep letting you sneak around like this. You are going to be caught eventually," said Hermione.

"That is why I have this," said Harry as he lifted up the precious cloak. The silvery fabric shined in the light given off by the torches.

"Alright, Harry. Just be careful," said Ron, as he grabbed Hermione's arm.

She looked like she was about to protest, but then saw the look Ron gave her. She set her lips firmly together and turned to walk away with her boyfriend. As they walked, she looked over her shoulder at Harry still standing in the hallway and softly said, "Goodnight."

He nodded at her. Harry marveled at the way his best friends interacted with each other now. They had become closer than ever before since the recent events in their lives. They acted just like an old married couple. Sure, they argued all the time, but they truly cared about one another a great deal. The looks they gave one another spoke volumes, and they always seemed to know what the other was thinking. Harry had always known that they were right for another, and he was glad that they had finally come to realize what everyone else had already understood.

Harry threw the cloak about him and disappeared into the night. He walked slowly down the hall thinking about his friends. He hated lying to them about seeing Draco. The blonde did have to serve detention with Snape, but Harry was not going to see him. Instead, he was on his way to once again to plead his case with the school nurse. If Ron and Hermione knew the real reason why he had lied to them, there would be no end to their pestering questions.

As he walked along the corridors he thought about his relationship with Draco. If someone had asked him about it two years ago, he would have laughed in their face at their audacity. Now he could not imagine an existence without Draco present. He had been more patient and supportive than Harry could have ever asked for. Things always seem easier when Draco was around. He understood Harry in ways that no one else could. Maybe it was because they shared a similar past and could identify with each other's pain. Maybe it was because they were basically halves of the same whole. Yin and Yang. Black and White. Or maybe it was because of their unexplainable bond as soul mates. Harry could in no way begin to fathom how to explain their love, but he knew that it was pure. Something good in all the bad that he could hold onto.

They had spent a lot of time together in the last few weeks. Draco's patience was unwavering. He was always there for whatever Harry needed at the time. Sometimes it would mean quietly sitting beside one another. Other times, it was cuddling before a fire. They had tried on a few occasions to become more intimate, but Harry was still struggling to overcome the sexual abuse he had endured while growing up. They never got farther than kissing. And it wasn't for a lack of trying. Harry desperately wanted to be something more to Draco, but the horrific memories were still too fresh in his mind after his experience in Limbo.

Harry had undergone a mixture of emotions as he began to understand the implications of what Draco had done when he cast the soul mate spell. In some ways, he wished that Voldemort had been successful in his attempt to kill him. At least then he would be with his parents. But then he remembered the prophecy and his role in everything, and he felt guilty. He knew that he was meant for something more, but he couldn't even begin to think about how he was going to bring about Voldemort's downfall when he was struggling with everything else.

Suddenly, Harry stopped in his tracks in the middle of the corridor feeling like something was amiss. He had been so lost in his thoughts that he had forgotten where he was going. Realizing where he was, he back tracked partly down the hall and opened the door that he had passed by mistake.

He took off the cloak and draped it over his arm as he entered the infirmary. After a brief search, he found Madame Pomfrey tidying up her office that was adjacent to the hospital ward.

"Mr. Potter, I am surprised to see you here at this late hour. Are you feeling well? Why are you out of bed?" asked the school nurse curiously as she wiped her hands on a towel. Harry had become a regular visitor while at Hogwarts, and she worried about his well being.

"Well… I was... uh… wondering…"

"Yes, what is it?" she asked firmly.

Harry mumbled something quickly under his breath and darted his eyes at the ground.

"What was that?" she asked again, tilting to her head to one side.

"I said I was wondering if I could have a dreamless sleep potion," said Harry.

The nurse looked at him intensely, her features masking her true emotions. "You know I can't do that, Harry. I can only give you the potion a few times a week, and even then it should be taken with great caution. Are you still having nightmares?"

Harry nodded numbly.

"Any visions?"

"No," he replied honestly.

"Well, I am sorry, but I will be unable to administer you anymore of the potion, unless I hear otherwise from the headmaster. You have already been taking too much of it. I fear that you may become addicted if I allow you take it any further."

"Alright, thank you anyway," said Harry as he turned to leave her office in apparent disappointment. She stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You know, Harry, you are only masking your problems by taking the potion. You need to begin to heal from all the traumas you have endure, not ignore it. Maybe you should speak to a counselor. I could…."

"I'm fine. Goodnight," said Harry angrily as he brushed her hand off of his shoulder. He walked out into the corridor as the heavy door slammed behind him and leaned his forehead against the cool stone wall. He could not determine why he was feeling so angry right now. He felt like punching something in frustration.

He had not slept properly since Halloween and he desperately wanted a good nights rest. He was functioning on so little sleep it was a wonder that he could even stand upright. He was beginning to wonder if he was even going to be able to play Quidditch. As much as he loved the sport, he wasn't sure that he would have enough energy to maneuver his broom properly. They had a big game coming up soon and Harry knew that he wasn't playing the way he used to. Because of his ban last year and his unwillingness to fall asleep at night, his skills had suffered somewhat. Fortunately, his teammates were really supportive and understood completely. They seemed to believe that Harry would come around in time.

Sighing deeply, Harry turned around and leaned his back against the wall. He looked both directions down the long corridor. One way would lead back to his dormitory, the other would lead to the Great Hall and the other house dormitories. A part of him wanted to see Draco again today, but he felt like he was more of a bother than anything to him. How can someone be in a relationship with a wonderful person, and yet feel so alone? He hated to be a burden, and that is how he often felt around Draco.

Giving up on the chance of getting a dreamless sleep potion, he threw the cloak around his shoulders once again, and made he made his way back to Gryffindor. He was in no hurry, as he did not want to fall asleep without the aid of the wondrous drug he had come to rely on.

He felt himself go in a trance like state as he walked with heavy footsteps across the castle. Before he knew it, his body had carried him to the portrait that guarded the common room. He removed the cloak and uttered the password to the portrait. The fat lady seemed irritated to be bothered at such a late hour, but allowed him to enter without so much as a comment.

He was relieved to see that the common room was empty. He was about to sit down on chair near the fireplace, when he thought better about it. He knew that as tired as he was, that he was going to inevitably fall asleep. It might as well be in his own bed. He climbed the stone staircase that led to the boy's dorm rooms. Thankfully, his room mates were already asleep. He discarded his robes and got dressed in his pajamas.

Not wanting to wake anyone up if he had a nightmare, he pulled the bed curtains down around him as he climbed into bed. He then cast a silencing charm around his bed. The room was quite chilly, so he pulled the warm comforter close to his body. He desperately tried to keep his eyes open, but he knew that sleep would come despite his unwillingness to fall asleep naturally. In the end he succumbed to the slumber his mind had craved for so long.

At first, his dreams seemed to be flashes of long forgotten memories. A flash or green light… a woman's scream… Aunt Petunia…Dudley… the cupboard… Vernon… fear…Cedric… Sirius… Voldemort…hate… Images filled his brain like a strobe light in the darkness until finally a nightmare took hold. His nightmare's mainly consisted of his experiences with Voldemort or the abuse he endured at the hands of his uncle, but tonight was different. This time the monster took the form of his Aunt Petunia.

It was early Christmas morning, and little Harry could hear the sounds of everyone waking up in enthusiasm due to this special holiday. Although he had never been included in their celebrations, a small part of him felt swept up in the excitement. He secretly hoped that he would be getting something from Santa Claus this year. He had tried extra hard this year to be a good boy for his uncle.

He got dressed quickly and sat down on his little cot and waited until his Aunt Petunia to unlock the cupboard door. Harry listened as his relatives feasted on what smelled like a delicious Christmas breakfast. Later, he could hear his cousin beg his mother and father if he could open his presents as his plump body plodded across the hallway floor and into the living room. Harry waited and waited, but his aunt never came. He slid off of the cot and lay on the floor so that he could peek out through the vent at the bottom of the cupboard door. He could barely see what was happening in the living, but he heard the tell tale signs of wrapping paper being ripped off of numerous packages. He again began to wonder if Santa Claus had brought him any presents. Maybe his aunt and uncle hadn't seen them yet.

Finally the curiosity overtook his better sense of judgment and he knocked on his own door. When no one came, he knocked again. He heard the sound of his aunt approaching the cupboard and waited as she undid the lock.

"What is it?" she hissed. Harry knew from the expression on her face that he had interrupted their festivities.

"I… I … I was wondewing.. "

"Wondering what, boy? Spit it out!" she said angrily.

"I was w-wondewing if S-Santa had bwought me any pwesents," Harry said quietly.

"And why would he do that? You are nothing but a worthless freak."

"B-but…" he began.

"But what?"

"I thought that all good boys and giwls got pwesents from Santa. I have been a good boy this yeaw."

"You have not! Where would you get an idea like that?" asked Petunia.

"Uncle Vewnon…"

"What are you talking about?" His aunt looked bewildered at such a preposterous notion.

"Uncle Vewnon says I am a good boy….w-when…I …h-he," Harry was stuttering uncontrollably. He realized that he had almost told about the secret.

"When he what?" Her voice was now extremely quiet, but it was laced with venom. She grabbed by the shirt and waited for an answer.

"When he t-touches m-me…" Harry confessed out of fear. Deep down, he was hoping that if he told the truth that he would be rewarded for being a good boy. He knew in his heart that it was wrong, but his uncle had manipulated him into believing that that was all good little boys did.

"You foul little boy.How dare you!" Petunia struck her nephew hard against the cheek bringing tears instantly to Harry's eyes. His aunt had never been kind to him, but she had never hit him like this. "Don't you dare say something like that ever again….or…or… you know what will happen!"

"I'm sowwy," Harry tried to explain, but it was too late his aunt had already slammed the door shut. Harry lay down on his cot and curled up in misery. He didn't understand why he was always being treated this way. Didn't he always try to be a good boy and do everything that they asked? He had always felt lonely while at the Dursleys, but he had never felt this alone. He prayed that someone out there would rescue him. Maybe they would love him and treat him like a real family. Sobs began to rack his body as he began to pray.

Harry then felt like he was falling through the darkness. The endless abyss seemed to be swallowing him whole and reality as he knew it seemed to disappear. He could feel a presence in the darkness, but he could not decide if it was friend or foe. Lost in his thoughts he heard a voice calling his name.

"Harry? Harry!"

Harry jolted awake and squinted his eyes against the harsh light of the morning sun. He soon realized that the voice calling him had been Ron's. His bed curtains had been pulled back and he could see that the rest of their dorm room was empty. He fell back against his pillows and squeezed his eye lids tightly together to prevent the tears that had yet to fall. When he was sure that he would not cry in front of his friend, he turned towards him with a blank expression on his face.

"Harry, are you alright? Were you having a nightmare?" asked Ron, who was obviously concerned.

Harry looked a way knowing that he could not lie to him about the nightmare. Ron had shared a dorm with him long enough to know when he was dreaming. He felt Ron sit down on the side of the bed, but he said nothing. Ron's patience with him had increased over the last few years and he simply waited quietly.

"Harry?"

"Yes, I had a nightmare."

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Ron. Harry shook his head no.

"Do you want me to wait for you while you get ready?"

"No, I am alright, Ron."

"Are you sure?" asked his best friend. Harry shot him a frustrated look. "Alright, alright. I will leave you alone. But Harry, I care about you and I am worried that something may be wrong. You seem to be having nightmares all the time now. Can't you take a dreamless sleep potion?"

"Madame Pomfrey won't let me anymore," Harry said in a flat voice.

Ron looked at his friend with great sadness in his eyes. Harry looked away so that he didn't have to see that look again.

"You know, Ron, you don't have to pity me," Harry said in a distant voice.

Ron looked at him curiously and said, "Pity you?"

"Yeah, you always look so sad around me. You and Hermione both. I wish you wouldn't, it just makes things harder."

"I am sorry that I make you feel that way, but it is not pity that is upsetting me. Well, not really."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry sounding quite confused.

Ron rocked back on the bed and pulled his feet up so that he could rest his chin on his knees. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around his legs. Harry couldn't remember Ron ever looking so insecure.

After a long while, Ron finally answered. "I feel like I am a failure to you as your friend, Harry. I am so sorry about what happened to you."

"Sorry? Why would you be sorry? You didn't do anything!"

"That's exactly my point Harry. I didn't do anything. At all! I stupidly watched as my best friend suffered," said Ron looking teary eyed.

Harry looked at him dumbfounded. What was Ron trying to say?

"I should have known something was wrong at the Dursleys when you came back looking…. well looking the way you did every summer. I should have protected you from everything, but instead I went about my life being jealous of you instead. And then when we came back to school, I had a really bad feeling about going to Hogsmeade for the Halloween celebration. I even overhead Snape and Dumbledore talking about how dangerous it could be, but I ignored my instinct and allowed you to go the festival anyway. Don't you see! I could have prevented so many things and I didn't. I am so sorry, Harry!"

Ron put his head down in his arms just as the first tears began to fall. Luckily Harry hadn't noticed them in time. His head was trying to process everything his best friend had just said.

"Ron, none of that was your fault. You told me that you thought that it wasn't a good idea, but I wanted to go anyway. You couldn't have known about anything that has happened. You are the best friend I have ever had."

Ron tried to wipe his tears on his sleeve as he brought his reddened face up to look at his friend. "Yeah… but… I made myself a solemn promise that I would never let you be hurt again, and I couldn't even protect you from Voldemort!"

"Ron, Voldemort is extremely powerful and he used the killing curse. I thought I was as good as dead. I didn't even know there was a counter spell until Draco used the Solara Amicus. You wouldn't have been able to perform it yourself. We are best friends but we are not soul mates."

Ron looked like he was going to argue further, but Harry stopped by raising his hand. "Listen, I appreciate your concern, but don't feel guilty. I don't blame you and I never would. Okay?"

Ron nodded at him but he didn't look like he really believed it himself. Harry began to get up so that he could get ready. Ron stood up from his position on the bed.

"What about your nightmares? Will you please go and talk to Dumbledore about it? Maybe he can help."

Harry shrugged his shoulders. He honestly did not want to talk to Dumbledore about his nightmares, but he didn't think he could stand one more night of reliving all of his repressed memories that had awakened in his conscious mind. "Alright, I guess I will."

Ron smiled down at his friend and put a hand on Harry's shoulder. He left it there for an awkward amount of time before he left. Harry could tell that his friend wanted to comfort him by hugging or something, but he was still uncomfortable with touching. He only seemed to be relaxed about it around Draco.

As Ron left the room, Harry's thoughts turned back to his recent nightmare. He had forgotten all about that Christmas, and he was inwardly embarrassed about the comment he made to his aunt about being a "good boy." He was too young to understand what his uncle was doing to him, but it shamed him nonetheless.

Harry had not felt the need to cut himself in a very long while, but the mere thought running a cool blade across his arms right now was especially appealing. He just wanted to forget everything, but he had made a promise to Draco. He had finally found love that was true and unconditional, and he did not want to jeopardize the trust they had forged with each other.

He buried any lingering thoughts about cutting and quickly dressed. He didn't even bother with showering this morning. This simple act of proper hygiene seemed unimportant right now. He walked down the empty corridor towards the Great Hall and entered the enormous room. Finding his friends, he sat down beside them and looked across the hall for Draco at the Slytherin table.

Draco's eyes chose to look up at him at that instant. His expression changed softly from a smile to a look of concern. He tilted his head slightly to the side searching Harry's face for some sign in which he could discern what was troubling him. Harry simply smiled in his direction in his best attempt to look normal.

Later that evening, Harry worked up enough courage to go and speak to Professor Dumbeldore.

He approached the statue that guarded his office and uttered the password, "Peeps." The headmaster had given him the new password in case he needed to ever speak to him.

He climbed the stone stairway slowly, stalling the moment in which he would have to reveal his situation. He looked up when he reached the inner doors and knocked softly. He waited only a moment when he heard the old mad say "Enter."

Harry entered the headmaster's private office and quietly took a seat before his desk. "Ah, Harry my boy, how are you this evening?"

"A little tired, sir."

"Haven't you been sleeping well?"

"No," Harry replied shortly.

"Madame Pomfrey informed me that you requested another dreamless sleep potion. May I ask why?" asked Dumbledore.

"I have been having nightmares again, sir."

"Are they visions of Voldemort?" he asked seriously.

"No, I haven't seen anything since before Halloween. My scar has not even hurting."

"Really? Hmmmm…." The old man did not speak in a long while. He sat back in his chair and looked thoughtful. He even stroked his beard absentmindedly. A small twinkle was now evident in his eyes as he seemed to come to some conclusion.

"Professor?"

"Yes? Oh, I am sorry, I was just thinking about your scar. There is no way to be sure, but I have a theory about why you have not had any visions recently. I believe that when your soul was detached from you body and thrown into Limbo, that your link with Voldemort was severed. You were gone for so long that the connection may have not been re-established when you returned to your body."

Harry sat there in disbelief. Could what the professor was saying be really true? He felt almost happy that he wouldn't have to witness the horrors of Voldemort's actions, but he quickly squashed the happiness as a sense of guilt slowly set in.

"Harry? I thought you may be excited that the link was severed. What is wrong?"

"It was our only way to know what he was planning. Since Professor Snape has been discovered as a spy, we no longer have someone on the inside to keep us informed."

"You are right about that, but do not feel guilty about the link being destroyed, Harry. You did not willfully break the connection and besides your mental well being is what concerns me the most."

Harry nodded at the old man in understanding. "Will I have to continue taking occlumency lessons?"

"Well that remains to be seen. It is fortunate that the link has been severed, but if you were confronted by Voldemort in person he could just as easily possess your mind. So occlumency may still be useful. I will have to speak to Professor Snape about this manner."

Harry was clearly disappointed. He did not want the professor probing his mind again as he already knew too much about his past. He had begun to remember many repressed memories and he did not want the man to know anymore than he already did.

"Harry, if your dreams are not visions of Voldemort, may I ask what they are of?"

"To be honest they are really horrible. Mostly I dream about the Dursleys, but sometimes I dream about my parents, Cedric, and Sirius…"

"Ah… I was afraid of that. Harry, you have suffered a great deal. You endured not only physical abuse, but emotional and sexual abuse as well. I know you have refused counseling in the past, but I most stress that it is very important that you speak to someone about this…"

Harry was getting really agitated. Why can't everyone mind their own business? How did he know about the sexual abuse? There was no way that Ron or Draco would have said something. Snape must have told him about what he saw during their occlumency lessons. "No!"

"I'm sorry?"

"I said no. I don't want to talk about it. Okay? I don't have to and you can't make me!" Harry said angrily.

"Alright, calm down. It was only a suggestion, Harry. Maybe in time? Hmm?"

Harry looked away from the old man. He came here to try and solve the problem about his nightmares, but he only managed to become more upset in the process.

"Do you think I may get a dreamless sleep potion, sir?" he finally asked the headmaster.

"I am afraid that that would not be advisable. You have already become too dependent upon the substance."

"Fine," said Harry as he got up to leave.

"I do have an alternative, however," said Professor Dumbledore.

"What?" Harry asked as he sat back down.

"Well, the house elves have a lovely tea that will help you fall asleep more easily."

Harry rolled his eyes. There was no way that a tea would help him get over his nightmares.

"And… I have a gift for you."

"Really?" Harry asked. His face was a mixture of conflicting emotions. He was excited to receive a present, but he was afraid of what it might be.

Dumbledore rose from his desk and retrieved a package from a side table. Placing it upon the desk, he tapped the brown paper box with his wand and the wrappings magically disappeared. In its place was a pensieve, much like the one that headmaster himself used.

"A pensieve?"

"Yes, as you know you may retrieve memories from you mind and store them in here. That way you will have fewer things on your mind while you are falling asleep. I can't say that you will no longer have any nightmares, but I certainly believe that the number and severity will be greatly reduced."

Harry looked at the small stone bowl in wonder. The magical silvery liquid within the container shimmered as it moved in silent fluidity. This might actually work!

"You will also find a small wooden chest in your dorm room beside your bed when you return. It has a lock that only you can open so that you may store the pensieve without anyone prying into your memories."

Harry appreciated the fact that the headmaster had thought that far ahead. He seemed to know about his room mates inquisitive natures.

"Aren't they rather rare and expensive?" Harry asked uncertainly.

"Do you not want the gift?"

"Oh no, I think it is wonderful."

"Then what does it matter?"

Harry looked up at the headmaster and smiled genuinely. "Thank you," he said with as much appreciation as he could muster.

"You are welcome. I hope that you have pleasant dreams tonight."

A/N: Whoa, that was a really long chapter (14 pages). Did you like it? I know what you are all thinking…. Why can't this stupid author give poor Harry a break? Well, I agree with you all. There will be a lovely, happy, fluffy chapter coming that will help balance out all this angst. However, there are a few scenes I want to develop before that scene so it probably won't be out for a few more chapters.

Many thanks to all my reviewers. And to all you silent readers out there, thank you too!