The months have been long and hard, feeling like years and yet in a quiet moment, when Elaina was alone, it was also like no time had passed at all and the memory of her final encounter with Edwin, was too real. It often came to a point where if she closed her eyes, Elaina could convince herself that if she reached out to touch him, he would be there to receive it…
It would be a frantic search for him there in the confines of her room, making her wave her hand like a mad woman. Then the loss became anew and she would remain in the confines of her room for a day or so, taking her meals there and no visitors save for Gwen, to check in on her.
Her behaviour had been tolerated by the king and Morgana, who left Elaina to her own means, not knowing what to say or how to respond to the looks she drew them when on the rare occasion she was in their presence. Morgana merely scuttered off as far as she could, never meeting her eye for too long, as it screamed wit accusation that felt like a noose around her neck. she was after all the fool to blame for all Elaina's grief, she and their elder sister who she had become so closely bonded with, despite Elaina being who she had shared a childhood with. Morgana spoke of betrayal so often but she neglected her own delivery of it and in the countless attempts of bloodshed she had committed, though Elaina might not have been the intended suffer, she became the victim to her sister's evil nonetheless.
Whereas Uther, he was content to ignore Elaina for another statue decorating his halls, letting her fritter about in doing what she wanted for the first time since her arrival in the castle. His lack of care for her might be bordering on guilt now for her so nearly passing after his promise to protect her, which he made to her father Gorlois, or maybe disappointment she had not died that fateful day and be rid of him an inconvenience.
It took Elaina awhile to try and make something of her days when all she looked forward to when waking, was the moment she could return to sleep and its sweet oblivion, where nothing hurt anymore and no one pestered her with their worries on her behalf. Tucked away in her sheets, she used her room as a haven waiting for that magic moment, she would just suddenly transform in a being that would make Edwin proud. She didn't want to work through the pain she felt or want to accept that she must learn to carry it with her until she could find a way to help heal from what she endured, to make the image of his face be one of fondness and not torture.
Grief was a terrible thing. Like a boulder in your pocket, there to remind you that no matter what you were doing it would always be there with you, so that if you did happen to forget for a second and smile, it would remind you that you felt no right to do so.
Elaina had to take each day at a time, scared that the people she loved would lose their patience with her when they had their own lives to lead and not waste them worrying about her. She often gave them that reassurance to do it, less they hold her in contempt for her weakness when she wasn't ready or even knew if she could spring back into the person they remembered.
Truth is, though Edwin saved her from death in taking her place as a sacrifice; some part of her still died that day that would forever alter who she was and she was only discovering for herself who this new side of her was.
Once, she felt a little courage to take a walk into new surroundings away from the same stone walls she had been furiously staring at. Aimless on where to go, she knew that beyond the castle was of no appeal to her because of the trauma she carried the last time she left the city gates and knew it would not be until she had become a lot stronger she would dare to do so again. Nevertheless, it had been a good move for her, because within the gardens of the castle she began noticing the plants sprouting all around and took note of their medicinal properties. It was a strange development, since the knowledge came without her poking at her gift as a grimoire, that made her a vessel of all magical knowledge as it were. since the incident, she had not actually felt the pull of her powers not had she experienced any visions so this took her by surprise when as what she connected with herbology became second nature, though she had never studied it. This became a daily routine and what eventually built her confidence to go outside into the forest around the city, with her satchel overflowing by the time she returned to Camelot and she stored all her plants and fungi away into a fine collection, with informative notes scattered everywhere bordering on obsession.
This interest progressed and she braved Gaius's chambers refusing to take notice of the bed which Elaina had occupied as a patient or acknowledge how her mind tricked her into thinking the scar left behind from that ordeal seemed to pulsate when in there. Instead, with his permission, she perused his books adding to her journals their findings as well as making her own comments. It was a curious thing to witness for Gaius, more and more as she asked him questions on subjects revolving around his practice and seeing what she had learnt on her own. He had been quite impressed by Elaina and shocked that she insisted to use his equipment to make remedies, amplifying his medicines at a standard he had never been able to maintain at his old age, or with merlin refusing or forgetting to restock his supplies. From there she insisted she see if they worked for herself what she managed to create, finding joy in remedying ailments or easing pain among the terminal. Unknowingly, he had under his wing the most unlikely of apprentices and an advanced one at that, who quickly was sowing flesh together, popping in back dislocations and assisting him in surgeries…
Finally, Elaina had found purpose that made her get up in the morning and the day wasn't daunting with the distractions she had ahead of her to take her away from the past events which haunted her.
What's more, though the people of Camelot had always seen themselves reflected in her more than with any other noble, now she simply blended in and they called her their own and saviour for the miracles she could perform. more than once she had heard them say that the lord had saved her for their sakes, to remain among them as his angel to do good onto them, however they did not know that it was actually a man who had rescued her and who was the true angel.
Beyond medicinal reasons she tended to their needs wherever she could, refusing to leave anyone hungry or without coin.
A tired mother might find Elaina at their table bouncing their babes on her knee or teaching their children to read. A man without work wouldn't be long in the predicament if she knew about it and if rent was too high, she would buy the home and sign the contract in the people's name.
Any grievances the common people could think of, they only had to discuss it with Elaina and she became their representative, disturbing council meetings to ensure they addressed the issues she had been told about, not leaving until she and an answer and was promised action.
But still; no matter how far she felt she had come, without warning she could fall right back to the beginning again. Which made Elaina push herself that much harder and without realising it, the pressure to be worthy of Edwin's sacrifice was making her lose all sense of self…
the story is the second part to one already created which can be found on my profile, as this is a continuation of Elaina's journey...