See Chapter 1 for headers.
Lex gave Pamela a quick peck on the cheek after entering the door. She rattled off some quick, but loud, statements that he heard but wouldn't listen to until later, when he had the time and energy to process it. Then he headed up the stairs, the long trip only made more laborious by the military regulation knapsack on his back that was holding laundry, books, and a medley of assorted "stuff" that defies the laws of space of time. He collapsed into bed, exhausted, but mostly bored.
He hated to think it, but this place was feeling less and less like home. He had been so tempted to stay the weekend in his dorm. But he knew two weekends in a row was too long a time away.
There was a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" Lex yelled. Without answering, Julian opened the door and came in. "You're supposed to say Lee, Lee," Lex said exasperated.
"Can you read me a story?" Julian asked.
"I don't know," Lex said, some of Pamela's words already reappearing, "Did you behave yourself this week?"
"Yes?" Julian said, sincerely unsure of the truth.
"That's not what Pam said," Lex said, with the best scolding face he could muster. Julian seemed unfazed, and crawled onto the bed.
"Read me this, Alexander," he said, big book in hand. Lex thought he probably should press the issue, but didn't.
"What do we have here?" he asked, taking the book into his hands. "Where is My Mother, by PD Eastman." Julian snuggled in, ready to be read a story. "Mother bird sat on her egg. The egg jumped. 'OH OH!' said the mother bird." Julian erupted into laughter. "What?" Lex asked.
"That was funny," Julian said, still giggling. Lex shook his head and resumed reading.
" 'My baby will be here! He will want to eat. I must get something for my baby bird to eat!' she said. 'I will be back!' So away she went. The egg jumped. It jumped, and jumped, and jumped! Out came the baby bird! 'Where is my mother?' he said. He looked for her. He looked up. He did not see her. He looked down. He did not see her. 'I will go and look for her," he said. So away he went. Down, out of the tree he went."
"Alexander?" Julian suddenly interrupted, pensively.
"Yeah?" Lex replied.
"Can Pamela be my mother?" he asked. Lex sighed, a little uncomfortable. "For play-play?"
"Yeah, Lee, she can be your mother," he answered hesitantly, and kept reading. "Down, down, down! It was a long way down. The baby bird could not fly. He could not fly, but he could walk. 'Now I will go and find my mother,' he said."
"Alexander?" Julian said.
"Yes, Lee?" Lex said, terrified of his next words.
"Can you marry Pamela, then she can be my mom, and you can be my dad?"
"Lee!" Lex exclaimed, horrified at the thought. He closed the book and spun around looking Julian in the eyes. "I am your brother, Pamela is - " he paused. He didn't know what to call her. "Pamela is awesome. We both love you very much. That's all that matters." Julian seemed a little shell-shocked but otherwise calm. His big brother, on the other hand, was on the verge of a coronary. "Put this book up and go get another one."
"But I wanna read this one," Julian said, bottom lip hanging down to his chin. Lex handed him the book.
"Go get another book, Julian, or I'm not reading you anything," he said, sterner this time.
"But I wanna read this one," he repeated, on the verge of tantrum.
"Fine then, you don't get anything. Bye," Lex said sternly. Julian grabbed the book and stormed off into the corner crying.
"You never want to play with me," he said, arms crossed and tears gushing.
"Julian, that's not it," Lex pleaded, but by this point, Julian was a puddle of tears. Lex relented. "Uuugghhh! Come here," he said, desperately wishing for the PlayStation back in his dorm. He'd even settle for his Calculus book at this point. "But you have got to stop crying and you have got to stop asking questions."
"OK," Julian whimpered. He got up, wiped his tears on his sleeve and dramatically made his way back to the bed. Reluctantly, Lex opened the book back up, and continued reading for a third time. "He did not know what his mother looked like. He went right by her. He did not see her. He came to a kitten." And then the line Lex dreaded. "'Are you my mother?'"
"Where's Mommy?" Julian asked, right on cue.
Lex had told him before...many times. He somehow thought honesty would have saved him from discussions like this one.
"She passed, remember? Now you said you weren't gonna ask anymore questions." He turned to Julian, who was staring right through him.
"Then where's Daddy?"
Lex was silent for a long time. He had answered this one many times before too. But it always bothered him more. It made him angry that it always got to him. Every. Single. Time. Maybe because the answer wasn't so simple. Or so honest.
"He passed too," Lex said finally. Julian looked up at Lex, a little sad.
"I know," he said. Lex looked off into the distance, his thoughts elsewhere. "Keep reading, Alexander," Julian prodded.
"I can't Lee. I don't feel good, I'm sick, OK?" Lex said.
"Want me to get you some medicine?" Julian offered.
"No, just go play in your room quietly."
Julian took his book, and walked out of the door.
Lex laid back in his bed and stared at the ceiling, just thinking. His father was dead. That much was true. But passed? That was just a euphamism for the ghastly reality. A reality he could never picture himself telling Julian. How could he ever tell Julian the truth? When would that day ever come? When would he be comfortable saying "Julian, the night before your baptism, your mother shot your father. She wasn't a bad person, just postpartum and depressed, and she went to a mental institution, where she died eight months later. Oh, and don't feel too bad for Dad, because Pamela says that Lionel was an evil man, and tormented Lillian, so that's why she did it. OK, go run and play now"?
Lex still remembered the night it happened. Or actually the morning after. At least he assumed he still did, because he never thought about it. Why should he? It's nightmarish and grisly, and he had enough stuff to worry about.
There are two things that sometimes haunted him, though, when he rode the subway, or waited in line, or ate by himself. The first was how his Mom could have done it. Lex remembered her being loving and sweet, and nurturing, and sometimes really sick, but always...just wonderful. He can't reconcile the person he knew with the woman who died - broken, insane and alone - in Belle Reve.
He also couldn't reconcile the father he knew with the person Pamela described. They had even argued about it once. Well, Lex argued, Pamela watched. She had a pitiful expression on her face. The same way you look at someone who speaks of a dead person in the present tense or talks to a headstone. Lex remembered his father being strict, even harsh sometimes. But Pamela talked about him like he was Satan. Lex supposed there are things that he didn't remember, or that he hadn't understood as a child. Still, it bothered him that he couldn''t judge for himself, because he couldn't 't believe Pamela's version, and didn't trust his own. He wished he knew the truth.
And maybe Julian did too. Maybe that's why he kept asking, and asking and asking. Maybe he knew a half-truth when he heard one, even if he was only six years old.
Lex would tell him the truth. One day. Maybe.
He leaned off the bed and started rummaging through his impossibly disorganized knapsack, before reaching for his cell-phone.
"Hey babe," he said into the phone, after a small wait, "It's Lex...I know you recognize my voice, but still...I'm alright...Lee's cool too...I am alright, it's just - " he sighed, "I guess I just needed somebody to talk to."